To tell him to stick his budget up his jacksie

[Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat]

I will start off to say I am aware that I am in a fortunate position financially so don’t wish to offend anyone.
DP and I are on the same pay scale within the NHS, however he earns about £300 a month more than me due to overtime. The trust I work for discourages payment for extra hrs so I tend to take time back for extra hours worked. I am happy with this.
we have separate bank accounts but share finances. Previous to this year DP paid the mortgage and I paid most of the bills. Food, petrol and living expenses went on my credit card which was paid off every month. The bill was divided into 2, with DP transferring his half to me. Now the mortgage has finished we looked at finances again. When I say we, basically DP came up with a plan and decided it was a done deal.
i will say that we would like to retire early 60’s. (We both have around 30 years NHS pension. ) Me hopefully at 60, DP a bit older as he hasn’t enough years for full state pension till 62. I have worked since I was 16, DP qualified at 26. Once DP gets something into his head that’s it he won’t listen to alternative views. Despite having NHS Pension and I also have a small private pension we need to, in DP’s head to save a good portion of our wages a month. I agree that we do need to save and I do need raining in a bit as I’m a bit of a spender, however DP is going completely over the top.
Basically what he has decided is, I will continue to pay bills and all of the food shopping petrol spends for the month which according to his budget spreadsheet should be around £3200 per month. As that is £400 more than I will earn he will transfer that to me, plus £1100 to pay for house renovations (our house is falling down around our ears since we prioritised paying off the mortgage) and money for holidays. So basically I have no money left for myself while he has approx £1700 left. He transfers that straight into our pension fund. If I overspend on our food and spends budget then DP says I just need to use the money he transfers for house and holiday fund.
Also both of our children are in university but at home. The youngest wants to go into student accommodation next year as it’s a bit of a trash for her to travel to university every day. DP has decided she’s a fool and has told her she can’t expect any money from us. At the back of my mind I am thinking he’s not concerned about her leaving home but more concerned that it may cost us money. The oldest he is also refusing to help out and has set up a spreadsheet for any money she owes us.
This is all doing my head in. I have told him there is times when you can’t help going over budget. I am aware however that I need to rain my spending in. He has become totally fixated on saving money but I have told him he’s coming across as a Scrooge, especially surrounding helping the DC’s financially through university. Or is he and I am the one being unreasonable.

Absolutely.

Once DP gets something into his head that’s it he won’t listen to alternative views
Not acceptable in a relationship that’s presumably meant to be equivalent to a marriage. It’s meant to be a partnership.

So basically I have no money left for myself while he has approx £1700 left.
Fuck that. How dare he.

Telling your kids they can’t expect money from you and setting up a spreadsheet for money they owe you - pardon my French but fucking hell. What an absolutely appalling bastard.

He wants to save your money as well as his, and deprive your kids of a reasonable level of financial support, to fill up his early retirement fund. I genuinely couldn’t live with this, I’d have to leave him.

I'm glad you do but you still need to look after yourself. You have no idea what might happen in the future, noone does.

And no, do not agree to that budget setup. I feel anxious just thinking about it and it's nothing to do with me.

Oh my god. My dh is on the stingy side but he would never, ever tell me I can’t buy a coffee. Surely you’re not going to go along with this and let him dictate to you in this way.

He sounds obsessive to me, it probably arises from worry that you won't have enough money. Organise to get some pension advice then you'll know your budget etc but def don't agree to hus plans.

I can’t fathom how your bills amount to £3k per month if you are mortgage free and don’t support the kids.

This is all very detailed, at the end of the day don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. It’s not up to him to dictate what what you do with your own money

He is being unreasonable and ridiculous. Life is for living and part of that is supporting our children.

I genuinely cannot imagine being able to support my dc but refusing to do it.

I do however, slightly have the same tendency as your DH in that I have a habit of prioritizing savings over other things. Not our dc though, they are both supported by us at university which is a hefty sum.

Dh and I have agreed we will look at our rough spending projection for the next year with holidays, house maintenance etc and then decide an amount we need to save from that. Currently I ensure we save nearly 25% of our monthly income and when the same again is going on the dses, it makes it tricky for actually living.

The difference between your DH and I is I don’t hassle my DH about spending and I do recognize my obsessive tendencies and am working hard to reign them in.

Please show him moneysavingexpert info on the parental expectation to top up student loan.

Everything else YANBU but he is.

No he's being collosally unreasonable. Leaving you with nothing while he Lords it over the spare cash. I know you trust him to save it but the thing is it leaves him with a cushion in case he wants or needs to spend some this month he just can and save a bit less. Whereas he's leaving you with no options.

As for not supporting kids at uni when the household can clearly afford it, that is mean mean mean. Technically they are adults but they can only get student loan based on parents income. If you can afford it you are MEANT to top them up. And it's he expecting them to pay him back? Seriously?

Finally having a "pension fund" such is just in a bank account is really fucking stupid (sorry). Do you both not realise if you put it into actual pensions you get tax relief on it??? You are utterly mad not to. Its the most effective way of saving.

Be careful. I know a couple who had this set up. She thought it was a joint account, but actually the account was in his name, with her as a signatory only. She had all the deposit and withdrawal powers of a joint account holder, except when they split, the money was in his name and legally his.

How are you spending £3200 on bills, petrol and food with no mortgage?

You do not have a joint pension savings account. Pensions are for individuals. You may have a joint savings account, but it isn’t a pension.

You are being really, really stupid.
Take half of those savings and put them in an account under your name only, he can have the rest to do what he wants with.

Everything else needs to be split accordingly to what your individual incomes are.

He could wake up tomorrow and take everything and you would have no recourse whatsoever.

Is your name on the deeds at least?

House is in both our names.
When he gets an idea in his head it’s impossible for him to see reason. He currently has YouTube on about financial advice. I’ve told him it’s not really Friday night TV.
so basically my bills from current account are £1100, monthly spends on credit card are £800 on food, petrol £240, £350 on entertainment, £100 for clothes and toiletries for both of us, £150 towards Christmas presents (not bought any yet so that money will only be from now till Xmas)

What was he like when the kids wanted to learn how to drive did he support them?

Can you say more about "your spending " you've mentioned this a few times.

What a twat. You need to help out your DCs at uni as they will get less loan BECAUSE of your earnings. The government assume you will help them so punish them accordingly.

I'm confused with the figures. You've got no mortgage and your bills are £3200 and he expects you to pay all those bills? He's covering the £400 shortfall and paying £1100 towards renovations.

So every month you pay all your wages of £2800 and he pays £1500.

What planet is he on?

I am a bit puzzled. You say he will get a state pension at 61? If he is in his fifties how he will not receive a state pension until he is 67.

If you are not married and that savings account is in his name you are not entitled to it. I think fondly of my savings that I never saw a penny of as they were in my ex's name. I trusted him implicitly right up until he started his affair.

You do realise that there is absolutely nothing to stop a person in a joint bank account just walking in and emptying the lot? This happened to me with ex-husband even though it was supposed to be joint signatures for any withdrawals. Don't do it. You are unmarried and just because you have been together 25 years does not guarantee you will be in future.

He sounds like a complete pain in the arse.

You're not married - make sure all household bills are covered and paid out of a joint account you pay into proportionate to your income.

Then sort out your own saving and pension plans separately from each other.

And yes - as pp has pointed out - put the money into an actual pension rather than a savings account.

Also, how's he aiming to get state pension at 62? Do you mean occupational pension through NHS?

NHS pension on the 1995 scheme can be taken earlier than a state pension.

I think as her partner qualified when he was 26 he needs to work to 62 to get all his state pension credits but he can get his NHS pension earlier then his state pension age.

Is the mortgage in both of your names?

With the mortgage being paid off, surely all remaining costs will should be split 50/50. You agree between you how much money to set aside for other things, like holidays, house renovation, rainy day savings etc and what is left is for each of you to spend as you wish? I don’t understand your DP’s current thinking. He paid off the mortgage, which surely was reducing as time went on and the amount owed reduced. The bills on the other hand will never be paid off and are becoming more expensive.

If I were you I’d challenge all of this and request an equal split.

Definitely bin the joint savings account. You need your own account. An NHS pension after 30 years plus state pension is surely plenty to live off in retirement, so I’m not sure why you need lots of extra pension savings as well?