To tell him to stick his budget up his jacksie

[Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat]

I will start off to say I am aware that I am in a fortunate position financially so don’t wish to offend anyone.
DP and I are on the same pay scale within the NHS, however he earns about £300 a month more than me due to overtime. The trust I work for discourages payment for extra hrs so I tend to take time back for extra hours worked. I am happy with this.
we have separate bank accounts but share finances. Previous to this year DP paid the mortgage and I paid most of the bills. Food, petrol and living expenses went on my credit card which was paid off every month. The bill was divided into 2, with DP transferring his half to me. Now the mortgage has finished we looked at finances again. When I say we, basically DP came up with a plan and decided it was a done deal.
i will say that we would like to retire early 60’s. (We both have around 30 years NHS pension. ) Me hopefully at 60, DP a bit older as he hasn’t enough years for full state pension till 62. I have worked since I was 16, DP qualified at 26. Once DP gets something into his head that’s it he won’t listen to alternative views. Despite having NHS Pension and I also have a small private pension we need to, in DP’s head to save a good portion of our wages a month. I agree that we do need to save and I do need raining in a bit as I’m a bit of a spender, however DP is going completely over the top.
Basically what he has decided is, I will continue to pay bills and all of the food shopping petrol spends for the month which according to his budget spreadsheet should be around £3200 per month. As that is £400 more than I will earn he will transfer that to me, plus £1100 to pay for house renovations (our house is falling down around our ears since we prioritised paying off the mortgage) and money for holidays. So basically I have no money left for myself while he has approx £1700 left. He transfers that straight into our pension fund. If I overspend on our food and spends budget then DP says I just need to use the money he transfers for house and holiday fund.
Also both of our children are in university but at home. The youngest wants to go into student accommodation next year as it’s a bit of a trash for her to travel to university every day. DP has decided she’s a fool and has told her she can’t expect any money from us. At the back of my mind I am thinking he’s not concerned about her leaving home but more concerned that it may cost us money. The oldest he is also refusing to help out and has set up a spreadsheet for any money she owes us.
This is all doing my head in. I have told him there is times when you can’t help going over budget. I am aware however that I need to rain my spending in. He has become totally fixated on saving money but I have told him he’s coming across as a Scrooge, especially surrounding helping the DC’s financially through university. Or is he and I am the one being unreasonable.

We are in a similar position to you op. Four DC between us. Two live with their mum, the one at uni gets a huge loan 10k and we still help her out. My two live away at uni but get £4.6k a year. DH insists that they get the same as his DD! And we also save. My point is. A loan does not cover much when kids are away at uni. Even with savings and working it’s nice to help them out x

He won't get a full state pension at 62, or any part of it. State pensions aren't paid until the correct age, whatever his contributions.

Zebedee55 yes the op said

We're in a small cul de sac nine properties. Two are owned by retired NHS workers. With their index linked pensions they're doing well. One couple spent £150k renovating their house and garden. The others both have new cars every three years and fly first class to Australia every two years.

It's bizarre that having paid off the mortgage he's so obsessed with income.

I also don't understand why you both prioritised paying off the mortgage early if it meant neglecting essential home repairs. No point owning something outright that is falling down.

It sounds like he had mental health issues that are manifesting themsleves in irrational anxiety about money.

I feel very sorry for your children. Our income was smaller than yours but our main priority was always to support our children.we supported then both through university with accomodation fees etc and wouldn't dream of keeping a spreadsheet of how much we gave them.
If you chose to have children then you have a responsibility to support them as much as you can to complete their education. It's very different of course if you don't have the means but you and your husband do.
I wouldn't accept his 'suggestion' it's mean, controlling and probably unnecessary.

This. Pensions are individual and you need to secure your own financial future. I’m concerned that you are paying into a form of investment that’s solely in his name? I had to fight tooth and nail to secure a reasonable proportion of my ex’s pension and we were married for 20 years and I trusted him till I found out I couldn’t. It’s really scary to be in your fifties and planning for a poor retirement. He’s being selfish towards your offspring so why do you expect open handedness towards you?

You need to get your half of the money into an account with your name on it.

You are not protected here.

and you are not hearing everyone.

You are in an incredibly precarious position with him being so mean and dictating what will and will not be allowed financially, and you trying to support your joint children out of your money on your own.

My dad screwed over my mum in this manner back in the day ... she did her best for us, then he waltzed off with the bulk of the money.

Don’t want to rain on your pension parade, but are you contracted out with having your nhs pensions?
If so, have you taken in to account that you will need to pay contributions to your state pension until you reach state pension age? I didn’t realise- I had 42 full years in but didn’t pay from when I left (62). I knew I had enough to cope on my public service pension and savings until I got to state retirement age. I discovered that I still have to pay around 800 a year for 5 years (62 - 67) as voluntary contributions if I want a full pension.

I agree we are fortunate with our NHS Pensions, however he says if we don’t plan we are going to be on the bones of our bums. I am trying to rationalise this with my colleagues who have retired and are having the time of their lives. His dad was the same, when they died there was thousands in the bank but you would not have thought it.
when we overpaid the mortgage he promised when it was paid off he would stop worrying about money but it’s still goes on, which worries me when we retire is he going to be the same.

NHS pensions are widely thought of as pretty decent, especially if you have been paid pretty well during your working life.

Also totally taking on board what everyone is saying and going to make appt with solicitor for wills. I want to make sure if I go first then the house goes to the kids when he dies, not some random woman he’s met.
I have already checked I have enough years in regards to state pension

Not married, a shared savings account that meant for retirement?

I'm not an expert but what you're saying is horrifying to me OP. You need you own savings account and that money needs to be split in 2.

What about suggesting opening a joint account and linked credit card for your joint bills- both pay in a fair share of the bills and most household bills, car expenses / travel season tickets etc are paid directly from that? You use the credit card as you do now for groceries and pay it off in full from the joint account. You could add the joint contribution to the house repairs as well and everything is paid from that account. Then it’s clearly joint financing for the joint purchases. He could see what is being spent on things- and he doesn’t “pay you” for the bills, he pays the joint account.
Then you open individual ISAs for your pension savings (forget the name but there’s one that can’t be accessed except on retirement or for a house purchase)
This means you each have control over your own pension savings (saves any disputes in the future and you each have one in your own name.)
You will also keep your own accounts, money going from this to the joint as soon as your salary is paid and where anything left over is yours to save, spend or support the children as you each choose.

This is news to me. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I wish so much I had been taught about pensions at school. I'm not thick but I struggle to understand it.

You might want to consider forming a civil partnership or getting married as it may give you the protections you want. The cheapest option would cost about £130 all in.

Martin Lewis, on his money saving expert website has a really useful section on pensions with links to the relevant government sites.
I’d start with his YouTube video called something like “aged between 45 and 74” For some reason I can’t link to it but it’s easy to find.

Glad to hear it OP. This happened twice in my family. Two lonely old men who met younger women, didn't make new wills when they got married. Then died intestate leaving everything to the new wives, who in turn left everything to their own children. What the children didn't want, they sold off or destroyed.
I have nothing at all to remember my grandparents by. Not even a picture, a piece of jewellery, a wedding ring. Nothing.

Please. Get. Independent. Financial. Advice.

If he loves you and wants the best for both of you, he won't have problem with your half of the money being in your name.

If otherwise... you stand to lose so much financially.

And it's no business of ours but when you say savings account I hope you mean thoughtfully invested, as that's what pensions are. Again - see. a. financial. advisor.

yes, agree, see an independant financial advisor - they will have no bias in the game whereas doing a DIY will mean that you are prioritising HIS views of what is the best, which may not necesarily be the best for you.

In regards the rest, well I agree with others that you should be paying proportionally into a joint account that covers all family outgoings, with an agreed amount maybe going into a holiday / renovation fund, and an amount from each of your excess going to a personal pension if needed. By all means use the credit card to top up, but if you are regularly needing to do this, then ideally you are going to need to pay a little more into the bills account each month.

This joint bill account also includes your kids outgoings too. Im sure they will have applied for student finance - so what did that come up with as the parental contribution? It likely would have been a lower rate due to being a home student and not living in halls, so their travel, food and expenses should be budgeted for out of that 'contribution' amount - if they need extra then they could look at part time work like other students.

I feel that you are only accused of being spendy because you have less income and have effectively been covering three people - its an easy trap to fall into, but think - if you had applied for child maintanance for the kids, how much would it be viewed that he should have paid each month, and perhaps hasnt, because youve been covering kid expenses.

You have a good combined income. Financially its simple to see how much he would be obliged to fork out, either by child maintanace or parental contributions - these figures are readily available online - how less 'spendy' if youd had even half that amount to contribute and not had to hide expenses for the children. They should be having driving lessons on that income, giving them independance to get to Uni, to look for jobs. To have £1700 spare from his wages, after squirrelling away some in a saving account - he can easily afford that. And as for a spreadsheet of what your kids will 'owe' - Jesus, thats disgusting.

Mmm just a thought, is he obsessed with saving hoping secretly to retire same time as you by using the extra savings?

As you are not married neither of you will get any IHT tax allowance. This would be something else to ask the financial advisor about. A solicitor is not a financial advisor, you need to speak to both. IFA about pensions and IHT, then a solicitor to make sure you both do your wills properly and understand what happens if either of you marry if/after one of you dies. It isn't an easy conversation, but the mess it causes if you don't have it is worse.

An excellent point @endofthelinefinally . That tax allowance when you are married is very important.

I have a friend who retired, was diagnosed with cancer and died within three months. Saving for a pension is all very well, but you have to have some fun with life beforehand, in the event that you don't make pension age.

@Startagainjanuary we obviously made different interpretations but I hope your sarcasm made your day. Do you feel big and clever? Do you feel like you put me in my place? 👏