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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband got Prosecution Notice for 5 and 7 yr old No Seat Belts

213 replies

PoppyMK · 03/11/2023 13:49

My husband received a Notice of Prosecution from the Police because he has apparently been caught driving on the M25 with our two children in the back of the car without seats belts (unclear which child it is, or whether it's both, from the notice).

I am concerned because we are in the process of separating and I want to know exactly what happened so i can make a judgement about whether my children are safe with him. AIBU or overreacting?

I have tried asking him about this - first he claimed he didn't know they had no seat belt on, then he claimed they wouldn't listen to him to stop trying to climb over the back of the seats.

I have no idea how to go about obtaining whatever evidence the Police have - but it would seem to be important that I have access to it as the co-parent of both children?

As an aside, I'm pretty certain he hasn't even responded to the notice by the deadline as I've seen what look like at least two further letters arrive for him, but as that is a problem for him and the consequences of which he will face, which will presumably be automatic points on his licence in addition to those he'll already get for the actual offence.

OP posts:
SingleMum11 · 04/11/2023 21:17

It’s 100% on him. He’s the parent and his kids were unsafe on his watch. Thank goodness this got picked up by the police and they won’t buy the ‘it wasn’t my fault’ excuse.

I found out after the fact that for a few months my Ex wasn’t ensuring seatbelt use in our child who was around 4 I think. He said he was, but he took a very ‘lax’ attitude and it wasn’t 100%. Is your DH lax in other areas? If he is then pull out everything to make him more safe with the kids. My ex wasn’t really awful - but in some areas like seatbelts there can be absolutely no room for error.

I have a child with SN who has to be very carefully monitored around seatbelts and car safety. It can be done even with a child who isn’t danger aware - so again no excuse!

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 04/11/2023 21:20

I'd try calling the police. They are your children so you could say you're entitled to know what happened. Just be really polite and sound very worried.

StarlightLime · 04/11/2023 21:28

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 04/11/2023 21:20

I'd try calling the police. They are your children so you could say you're entitled to know what happened. Just be really polite and sound very worried.

They're his children too, and she already knows what happened.

Cyb3rg4l · 04/11/2023 22:09

Do NOT contact social services. You absolutely do not want to invite social services into your family in the midst of a divorce unless it is completely unavoidable. Partners start chucking allegations around, escalates into tit for tat allegations because emotions are running high and there’s no telling where this could end. Let the police do their job and read your kids the riot act about seatbelts.

Soontobe60 · 04/11/2023 22:14

Blueink · 04/11/2023 19:06

It was his responsibility as the driver and as a parent to take decisive action at the time to ensure their safety, not blame them afterwards because he got caught.

Show quote history

We don't know that he didn't. If he were caught on camera he may not have known until the notice came through the post.

PrtScn · 04/11/2023 22:22

My son could get out of the car seat with those straps as well. He did it to me when he was about 2 on a 70mph dual carriageway that had no lay by, then tried to climb into the front. I had to drive for about 5 minutes before I could safely turn off and stop. I had to put his car seat in the front in the end so I could slap his hands whenever I saw him try and unclip. He was much better in the front but statistically would have been better in the back

Andistarr · 04/11/2023 23:38

This is driven by bitterness, I can see why you are splitting up.

Soulou · 04/11/2023 23:46

Surely unless they are very tall for their age they should be in a car seat. Also I believe you can now get things to cover seat belt to stop this happening. This will strengthen your case with divorce, make sure you tell your legal team

SingleMum11 · 05/11/2023 00:24

I have tried asking him about this - first he claimed he didn't know they had no seat belt on, then he claimed they wouldn't listen to him to stop trying to climb over the back of the seats. I can’t believe any posters would think you are unreasonable to be highly concerned about this. He cannot ensure your children are safe in the car, this is a huge concern and yes call social services if you want. The police should refer any safeguarding issue to social services but they may not.

wombat1a · 05/11/2023 01:13

100% on your kids this one if they were strapped in when he entered the motorway. If he stopped on the hard-shoulder becasue they were not strapped in then he would be fined for that as it would not be an emergency. The the new smart motorways around and about there not even have been a hard-shoulder to stop on.

This is a stupid as the one last month about someone complaing that their DH would not stop on the hard shoulder to allow them to go to the toilet.

You need to work on kids OP.

JGRAN · 05/11/2023 03:04

Are you using this for your own agenda. Don't

JGRAN · 05/11/2023 03:23

Currently separated says it all

Userxyd · 05/11/2023 04:19

I doubt the police just happened to spot him - more like another driver saw the kids clambering about and reported it - which means they must've been doing it for a significant amount of time. Really dangerous

SparklyRainbows · 05/11/2023 06:26

I'd think this is something your divorce solicitor can advise on. Perhaps they can even get hold of the evidence.

LizzBurg · 05/11/2023 06:48

SparklyRainbows · 05/11/2023 06:26

I'd think this is something your divorce solicitor can advise on. Perhaps they can even get hold of the evidence.

Without a court order the police would not share any evidence with the solicitor. If he is convicted the result would be public record.

LizzBurg · 05/11/2023 06:53

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 04/11/2023 21:20

I'd try calling the police. They are your children so you could say you're entitled to know what happened. Just be really polite and sound very worried.

It’s nothing to do with her, he might be prosecuted and the children are unharmed.

Morechocmorechoc · 05/11/2023 07:07

It's against the law because it causes death. Its not acceptable and my kids wouldn't be going with him. It's pretty basic.

PrettyButterflies · 05/11/2023 07:17

Hi, I am sure it's probably been said somewhere in the thread but he wouldn't have gotten a NOIP if he hasn't been stopped. The police cannot fully see inside the vehicle when observing so they will use blue lights if they think a crime is being committed. The children may have been moving around, which is another reason they blue lighted. I say again, he would not have received this if he hadn't have been stopped - so him telling you that he has no knowledge of the incident or whatever - he is lying.

Edamfan · 05/11/2023 07:29

Does anyone have any stats for the safety of old-style hard shoulders?
we have pulled over on the hard shoulder in the rare event our sn child has undone their seatbelt.
But may not in future if what we are doing is statistically less safe than pulling off at the next junction.

H007 · 05/11/2023 08:29

How old are the Dc?

LizzBurg · 05/11/2023 08:34

PrettyButterflies · 05/11/2023 07:17

Hi, I am sure it's probably been said somewhere in the thread but he wouldn't have gotten a NOIP if he hasn't been stopped. The police cannot fully see inside the vehicle when observing so they will use blue lights if they think a crime is being committed. The children may have been moving around, which is another reason they blue lighted. I say again, he would not have received this if he hadn't have been stopped - so him telling you that he has no knowledge of the incident or whatever - he is lying.

They can be sent NIP if they haven’t been stopped. Usually when stopped they are given a verbal NIP.

AnRuaRi · 05/11/2023 08:40

I drive a minibus for an adventure centre. Im also a Dad o 4 unrully kids with additional needs that affect their behaviour.
this is a clear cut case of the dad has the wrong attitude. correct response is:
Stop the car till all seat belts are on. (many cas sound an alarm if a belt is unplugged)
even if this means on the hard shoulder. unbelted kids is reasonable to stop on hard shoulder as its illegal to drive on till fixed.

BeardieWeirdie · 05/11/2023 08:44

If my children had taken off their seatbelts when old enough to know better (and yours definitely are, my three-year-old knows the rule), I’d absolutely be yelling at them. He may well be a crap dad in other areas but they need to understand that this is absolutely unacceptable and a very naughty thing to do. Report him to social services so you like but be prepared for the little brats to do it in your car too if they behave like this with him.

WitsEnd10 · 05/11/2023 09:08

ChristmasPuddingFace · 03/11/2023 16:16

Stopping on the Hard Shoulder is an incredibly dangerous thing to do and should only be done in an absolute emergency.

@melj1213 So is driving with 2 kids not using seat belts, on a motorway.

Do you ever drive on motorways?

People stop on the hard shoulder to change a tyre, if their child is being sick, or even less than that.

It's VERY dangerous to have 2 children loose in the back of a car.
One sharp emergency stop for any reason and they could be out of the window, or brain damaged/dead from hitting their heads on the seat in front.

It's also illegal not to be strapped in.

Is that enough reason for you?

Having watched an episode of The Crash Detectives where 3 and 4 year old siblings died when their car, stopped on the hard shoulder because one of the children felt unwell, was smashed into by a van, no I absolutely wouldn’t stop on the hard shoulder for anything less than a vehicle failure. And I’d be getting out and clear of the car immediately.

drivinmecrazy · 05/11/2023 09:17

DDs screech at me to stop the car if I ever start leaving our driveway and they aren't clipped in.
They are now 22 & 18!!
I did have one incident when DD1 was around two and decided to unclip herself from her car seat and try and open the door while going round a roundabout.
Since then they've known the rules 😂