Received a strange request in the post

[tmreunion]

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

I think I would have to help her. It’s her trauma not yours and 10 minutes could make such a difference to her.

You know who she is, ie it’s not a scam, and it’s a well written respectful letter. If it were me I would let her - you would be doing something good to help someone heal.

I’d also help. Nice to be nice

I would think she is genuinely trying to overcome her trauma and let her into the house accompanied.

I'd reply and invite her round. You feel tainted by her message, but seeing her won't make any difference and could be beneficial for her.

I had the opportunity to visit my childhood home. It was a difficult time as my DM lost three babies while we were there and she was regularly in mental hospitals. I really enjoyed seeing how the house had changed and it underlined that life moves on. I remembered the house as dismal, but it was a cheerful family home now.

If it were me, I’d allow her request. She’s not “trying to taint” the house for you - it’s not about you at all. I can’t think of any reasons why someone, 15 years later, would try to make you feel bad about the house you bought - someone having had a bad time in a house shouldn’t reflect on the new inhabitants experience of the house - especially if you’ve been there years and made memories of your own.

If you think actually she’s casing the joint to rob you then fair enough ignore it. But I’d be inclined to try to help - though you could ask her perhaps not to tell you all about it as she looks round, if you feel that would be very upsetting for you.

I don't think I would. You can choose to take the letter at face value or they may be something else going on.

The kind thing is to do is let her do it. It's not nice to think what went before you might not have been a happy time, but now you know that, you can't undo that knowledge anyway. The positive step forward is to help her, and take peace from that.

I would be inclined to facilitate this.

Agree that it is a very respectful letter and I would personally feel guilty ignoring it. To be honest the time id spend mulling it over and feeling bad would be far more than the ten minutes she's asked for so I'd just allow it. It will hopefully help her to heal and if you feel uncomfortable with it you could always sit somewhere else/go out and let your dh deal with it.

Let dh show her round as he's more comfortable with it.

I would because it sounds genuine.

Oh dear, that's a really tough one. My first reaction was that of course you should let her, it's not a massive inconvenience.
But then, putting myself in your shoes, I don't think I'd be happy having a stranger walking round my house tainting it. As in these bedrooms are my children's, not a strangers rooms where bad things happened. It's our home.
But at the same time, I'd want to help. If I did allow it, I might say something like not wanting to hear anything about why the house is traumatising to her. I don't know.
Either decision, you wouldn't be being unreasonable.

I would help her. In 2006 I had someone trying to get into the house,it was the old lady who lived here before she went to a nursing home. She had dementia and she had ran away from the nursing home and found herself at my door. That will stick with me forever ever. Help her please

I would probably say yes as I’d want to help someone overcome trauma, but appreciate that that’s an individual choice and wouldn’t recommend you do anything you’re uncomfortable with.

I don't think that's a strange request at all. It's well articulated and given context. I wouldn't hesitate to say it was fine for her to come round.

Don't understand your reaction at all.

It’s not the house that holds the trauma. Seeing the house as your home is going to help her as it will have a completely different vibe to when she lived their 15 years ago.

I'd help her. 100%. Her upbringing might have been tainted, it's nothing to do with your family life there.

I would totally let her. 10 minutes of your life to help someone.

Definitely help her

I think I would let her, but say you would rather not discuss details of her trauma. I don't think she would want to discuss that with you anyway, but just in case.

It is a very respectful letter and you could be really helping her.

Is it really a big problem to allow this? I mean perhaps it is, but it is worth exploring why it bothers you, I think. Because this isn't about you and her trying to 'taint' your house. It's about her trying to work through what sounds like some very painful issues.

I would want verification from the therapist this was in fact what they suggested and information about what exactly the daughter planned to do in the house before agreeing. And I would be watching her like a hawk while she was at the house.

You need to change your mindset, she's not trying to "taint" your home, what a selfish way to think.

Visiting places of trauma is well known in therapy, I hope she heals from it, although people never "heal" from trauma, we just learn to live with it and manage the best we can.

Having done similar as part of therapy I wouldn’t hesitate to help if it was me.

It played a huge part in my recovery although it was incredibly hard and painful.

I'd be minded to help, but I wouldn't rush. Take time to feel your own feelings about this.

You may want to prepare the house (remove family photos or very personal items).

You may want to ask if she would be happy with downstairs only. Or not allow access to your children's rooms.

You may want a friend to do the visit so you don't have to feel the impact of her response.

Or you may want to decline.

Don't rush and do respect your feelings. Her letter is very respectfully composed.