Received a strange request in the post

[tmreunion]

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

No, I wouldn't allow this and I also think it is very unprofessional for her therapist to even suggest this.

I think intrusive. There's no reason to "chat". The poor woman is dealing with trauma it feels totally unfair to expect her to engage in social chit chat.

I think it's a really thoughtfully written and respectful letter, and I would have no worries about letting her have a walk around. You know she isn't some random. She does have a confirmed connection to the property. If she was up to no good, she wouldn't be leaving an evidence trail. Also, I think houses carry a lot in them - you don't have to be all woo to believe this - and I think letting someone clear the air and use a place to heal can only be a positive thing.

I once had someone knock on the door of the flat I lived it. It was an older man and his grandson. The older man lived there in the 70s/80s and wanted to show his grandson where he used to live. He wasn't actually asking to come inside. Just knocked to introduce himself and explain why he was in front of my door taking photos of this child. It was actually really lovely and I let them have a look around. I would hope someone would do the same if I ever needed to ask.

almost like she's trying to taint it.
you are being completely ridiculous.

I would find it hard to refuse to help, even if it's fair if you are uncomfortable with a stranger in your house. I'd ask a friend, or husband, to be around too.

All houses, or land at least, are likely to have witnessed some trauma, especially in a very small country. It has no impact on your current home.

I agree eith this suggestion. It will help prevent her traumatic memories from impinging on your life if you keep a bit if distance. Referred trauma is a teal experience people have when they encounter some traumas secondhand as witnesses or as therapists.

I would put aside this idea that she's trying to taint your home. Why on earth would she do that? If that was her plan (and I can't see why she would) then she could have just shared what the trauma was in the letter. Job done, house tainted for these strangers, with much less effort on her part.

It's a nice letter. Would it be easier for you to ask a friend or relative to accompany her rather than you doing it? Either way, perhaps stipulate that she does not talk about what happened in your hearing.

I would let her do it but set my boundaries e.g. she can't access my/my DCs bedrooms, I don't want any indication of what went on there for her.

I'd allow it. It would be different if she was wanting to be unaccompanied which I wouldn't want, but that's not the case. I'd let her see any room she wanted but would maybe ask that she doesn't say what happened

Why would she taint your home, how could she? She suffered from abuse, she has provided context. She is working on herself and thats great. Maybe ask her therapist to accompany here incase she breaks down. Helping her isnt going to hurt you, You can sage your home after she goes if you want.

I don't think I would allow it.
My first thought is that it's some kind of scam, but if you are sure that it is the girl who lived there, then I guess you're safe.
But what are you supposed to do with her while she's walking through? As PP said, what if she gets distressed? How is she going to "work through" her trauma? Surely she would need her therapist with her.
I don't know. It just makes me feel uncomfortable.

Personally, I wouldn't. I have my own trauma and my home is my sanctuary. I don't let strangers into my house, normally, and as others have pointed out, you don't know how she is going to react or if she will cause ongoing problems. I would not want a stranger bringing their trauma into a place that is my refuge. I know that sounds terribly cruel and this poor woman is trying to heal but it is OK to have your own boundaries.

Not a chance in hell I'd be allowing this. At best it's bloody weird, at worst it's a scam. How can popping in for 10 minutes make any difference to anything?

I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

This is very unfair. She doesn't want to do anything to affect you, she's being thoughtful and approaching gently with something that must have been difficult for her to do.

I'd certainly try to help her. It's not a big deal, she wants to revisit rooms, she isn't interested in 'your home' as it's never been that to her. It's not sinister or in any way aimed at you as a family. I might ask my husband to do the accompanying if it made me feel odd.

I'd do it. Have H there on the off chance it's dodgy. I grew up in a house with a lot of trauma, and when it was put up for sale some years after my mum left, i spent much more time than was reasonable looking at the photos of it online. It's not particularly rational, and tbh i can't find the words to explain it, but I totally understand the person. I also can totally understand why it feels v weird to you.

This. Did the therapist really suggest this? It seems unprofessional if so.

I would say yes. The fact that the trauma is still affecting her after so long is very sad, and seeing your house like a normal family home, and importantly seeing that it is YOUR home now, and not the one she remembers will probably be life changing as she'll be more able to leave the past behind.

It'll only be 10 minutes out of your life

We had a similar letter last year strangely enough. The lady who contacted us and our neighbour had been estranged from her family and had lived where we do before the property had been split up into two.

She very politely asked if she might come back now her brother had moved on (we bought from him) as she’d never been back to her childhood home since she left. Her brother was a pretty unpleasant man.

my neighbour and I both agreed to her coming by and she and her husband came to see us. They spent a little time in each house, gave us both a bottle of wine, and shared some of the history of her family’s earlier ownership.

It was actually quite an emotional experience but a positive one for us.

I think the advice you’ve had to take your time is wise. Think about it, and if you want to reply take your time to craft a response as gently worded as the initial request.

I can see the logic in the request. I had an abusive childhood and I can't actually go into my old home as it was demolished and 2 new homes built in it's place. However myself and my sister did go there when I went to visit her (I moved to the other end of the country) and it was somewhat "healing".

I think it was because I could see that these homes were nice family homes and the place no longer held any kind of "power" over me. Not sure how well I'm explaining that but it did me a lot of good. Before in my mind when I reflected on the house all I could remember was sadness and it was nice to see that life moves on and people are hopefully happy there now.

So, on that basis, I'd agree to the request. I think the idea of the therapist going along is a good one, they suggested it after all! Which would hopefully mitigate any "risk".

Fuck no

Be kind.

I get your concerns but think it's an odd way to look at it, 'she's trying to taint our home'. Why would she want to make it about you?

It's an unusual request and a bit frank but what would be the point of pretending she wanted to come for a happy reminisce if that wasn't what she wanted at all? I think better to be honest so you'd know how to expect the visit to go if you did accept.

If you're not comfortable, i would reply and politely refuse, wishing her well. She's said she's fully prepared to take 'no' as an answer.

If you felt like trying to help her, I would accept on condition that it was just the brief visit described and a one off. I think worth setting those boundaries beforehand. Definitely have someone else in the house.

Tbh I'm a bit doubtful of her therapists's wisdom, sending a vulnerable woman off to a stranger's house presumably alone. I'm not a therapist myself but I'm not 100% sure I buy that.

Not a fucking chance. I'd be suspicious that someone is casing the joint to see if we were worth robbing.

“and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this. “ this line reads as quite manipulative to me. It is unnecessary, quite heavy handed and reeks of emotional blackmail. I’d bin the letter and wouldn’t engage in any dialogue

I'd personally let her if I'd received the letter.
It's ten minutes out of your life but could ease years of pain for her.

Me too.

I think it’s quite common for people to ask to visit childhood homes (usually it’s for good memories).

The fact that she’s told you it was traumatic is that obviously her behaviour may be confusing to you else.
She may get upset or run out etc.

I personally would do it.
If you’re worried about her stealing something then just make sure you hide your valuables.