Received a strange request in the post

[tmreunion]

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

I wouldn't. I don't think anything good would come of it from either of you. Is she coming alone and telling you about the trauma she suffered there? You're not a professional and don't need the trauma dump. She won't be properly supported. Is she coming with a friend or the therapist? I feel like that would take ages for you to go back to feeling like it was your lovely house.

I'm sympathetic to her, but it would be a 'no' from me. A kind no but a no nonetheless.

You win the price for complete over-reaction

and an impressive way to twist things!

Absolutely not.

Firstly, no reputable therapist would suggest that she write to a complete stranger and ask to have a walk around their house, ad disclose that traumatic things had happened to her there.

Secondly, it’s naive to think that this would e one ten minute visit. Trauma takes years to unpick, this would just be one in a long line of requests and before you know it you’ll be part of her therapy journey, and you’re not in the least bit qualified.

I would politely refuse.
It is important to maintain boundaries. Your home is your safe place, for your family and friends.
I would wish her success in her therapy but state clearly that my family and I will not take part in it.

Why are people suggesting meeting up etc that sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Op throw the letter away and forget about it. Therapist needs to get on with their job not palming it off on to you.

I would not even consider it. Life has moved on that house i imagine looks completely different from when she was there.

I met through FB a woman who lived 30yrs ago in the house I live in now, i sent her a couple of photos she said she didnt recognize any part of the house,only looking from the street photos but inside and the garden,all has changed.

There is an area that I find quite traumatic, even just driving past it.

I have not been back for years and there’s no way I’d go back to the house.

But after reading this, I can actually see how going back and not being affected by it would probably be really beneficial.
I’m not ready yet but I probably will do it when I am.

I wouldn't. If she is traumatised by the house what then? If she has a severe reaction to being back in the house what then? You are not a therapist, you don't know this lady or the state of her mental health. You have no idea how she will react to being back in a space that caused her so much trauma.

I'd write back empathising with her but stating that you do not feel comfortable facilitating this event.

Of course, I honestly can't see why you wouldn't. It means nothing to you and a lot to her.

Even if she wasn't going through therapy, I think its quite nice to allow someone look at their childhood home. I've often thought about mine, I'd love to have a look around. It wouldn't bother me in the least to have someone look at mine.

I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

I personally wouldn't want the hassle or have to deal with other people's pasts or problems.

( I do think someone with dementia turning up at door is very different - that's someone with a clear and immediate need for help with no capacity for other perhaps better options)

I've also sold a house my kids were growing up in and had some viewers make nasty comments about my kids rooms and stuff -and there was a clear benefit to us of selling the house there but people aren't always nice or consider impact of what they are saying.

I expect you'll be told to be kind (by many who wouldn't be themselves )and ignore your own misgivings but it's your house your place of comfort and safety and it's absolutely fine for you to prioritize that for you and your family over some random strangers wants.

Personally I'd be inclined to help on the condition therapist attended with her to support her through whatever her reaction may be.

I don't think this is odd. Unusual, but not odd.

It will have taken a lot for her to write that letter and she probably agonised over the wording. You have verified her identity and she is genuine. I would help her.

This!

It's a no from me too

Just bin the letter

It's a thoughtful letter.

I would probably let her visit.

If you are unsure maybe ask her for her therapist's number and ask how patients visiting former places helps them process trauma.

She is not tainting your house.

I don't know whether I would or not until I was actually standing in those shoes.

I would definitely start by doing a bit of googling just in case the phrase "has thirteen previous convictions" or similar comes up - always be fully informed before you decide.

If you do go for it, ask her to bring photo ID, and get your DH to accompany her, not you, as you're having concerns about the possible emotional impact on you.

Wanting to look at a childhood home to help settle your emotions and perspective, it's not all that unusual. I spent a couple of days - having recently retired - looking around the town I grew up in - schools, homes, shops, parks, cemeteries etc - and yes I did look up photos of interiors of my old homes on Zoopla/RightMove etc!

This thread makes me sad for humanity.

I don’t quite understand why you feel that her need to address her trauma is going to taint your house of life in any way?

This is such a once in a life opportunity to help another human.

I'd feel uneasy but I'd do it. Especially because you know it's not a scam and she really did live there.

It would be quite mean to say no IMO.
Fair enough however to ask her not to go into details about what happened in the house considering you are now living there.

I think I would allow her into the house out of a kindness and to help with her own inner healing and mental health but I would, very very gently, ask her not to disclose any of the trauma to you or your family.

Any therapists on here? Proper ones?

Would YOU suggest this!?

I sometimes wish I could go back to the house where the worst of my abuse took place. I hate the place and loathe going past it, but it's been with other people for 30 years now and they've done some building work. I doubt its interior resembles what it was when I lived there and I do think it could be healing to go in and see it's moved on and is a different place now...and to walk in it with no fear and even positivity.

So I understand what the daughter feels, but as she said, it isn't any obligation on you. If you don’t want to, you don't have to.

This

It is ok to say No if you are not comfortable.

I would ignore the letter. It would creep me out, if I'm quite honest. I don't think that this woman should have been bringing up her past trauma to you, even if she didn't go into detail. I understand the 'be kind' people, but it would make me feel uneasy and unsettled.

I would allow this. Its a very nice letter, not pushy at all and she clearly understands what an odd request it is. I can see why it would help her and as it will only take 10 minutes or so I cant see a reason to say no.