Received a strange request in the post

[tmreunion]

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

It's MN.

Let's not forget there's an extraordinary amount of posters who cannot bear the idea of a relative or friend to ever visit their home, or <shock horror> see their bedroom! 😂

You can always expect some of the answers to go a certain way...

As a trauma survivor myself I would be inclined to help her.

It wouldn’t be for me to go inside, but I have visited the outside of the house in similar circumstances, so I actually can understand where the request is coming from!

Last year I visited the house I grew up in for the first time since I was a child. My mother still lives there which obviously made it easier (although was also very difficult seeing her). I had experienced a lot of trauma there and throughout my adult life had struggled with memories of it. I never thought I would set foot in it again and, when I went to see my mum, I hadn't actually intended to (I thought we'd just sit in the garden) but she invited me in and found myself saying yes.

It was an immensely healing experience for me, to revisit the place I'd associated with so many traumatic memories with an adult mind. To see that it was just a house, that it wasn't this terrifying thing I'd built it up to be in my head for decades. The anxiety I had around it vanished and now I have new memories of it. I'm even able to think of it fondly in a way.

So I think it would be a lovely and potentially really powerful thing to do for this woman.

She had no right to trauma dump. I would feel exactly the same as the OP. I don't fully blame the girl, I mostly blame the therapist for thinking this was at all appropriate.

What I'd the current home owner has suffered trauma or is someone sensitive who is likely to be affected and troubled by someone healing their past problems out is the blue upon her?

The op can have sympathy for the woman without letting her intrude into her home which is now her sanctuary.

What if she asks to use the bathroom? Mumsnet usually melts down at just the thought of that!

I'm going to go against the grain here - most replies suggest you should 'be kind' and agree, I would be minded otherwise.

Whilst the request is polite and somewhat considered, in your shoes, it would raise a number of risks that I wouldn't be prepared to take on:

*What if she breaks down uncontrollably during the visit? Or becomes agitated and angry? Or is physically sick?

*What if she is rendered immobile by a physical reaction and can't move for a period of time? You might kindly schedule the visit whilst your children aren't there. What if it runs over and your children have to witness an episode.

*Are you emotionally resilient enough if she does start talking about the abuse and will not stop?

*If she did bring her therapist (a second stranger to your home), what if you overhear the therapists method and it is in some way unprofessional/inappropriate? How will you feel? Would you be forced to step in?

*If you were minded to let her visit, what if further requests were made? Can I come back to focus in x room, at x time of day or x time of year?

*Does she have siblings, other family members who might follow with a similar request?

You are not responsible for this persons healing. It sounds hard, I know and it is all too easy to say 'be kind' or 'of course do what you can'. But ultimately your home is your safe place, and that of your families. It is not a centre of healing, and having some experience of therapy and approaches I am extremely concerned by this approach.

I would reply with a letter which expresses empathy, but that it is not possible and nor will it be in the future.

I would help her. Just ensure that you and your husband are both their to show her around.

I would allow it but with a caveat- someone needs to come with her to support her. I would not be comfortable accompanying someone round my house who is in a fragile mental state who might potentially break down at any moment. I cannot be that support person for her because I dont know her and I would not be taking responsibility for that role, nor would I feel comfortable doing that. Her therapist should come with her if I am going to facilitate this.

Oh dear Lord, I hadn't thought about the bathroom, I just fainted.

I would not do this. I speak as a therapist who has heard a lot over the years from patients whose therapists have “suggested” they do certain things. Her work to do is internal. Visiting a house which is now a different family’s home is not part of any psychological working through.

It is pretty weird though. But imo understandable. I'd love to have a nosey around my old house now, from the internet photos it's totally different but i'd love to be in it. Totally irrational but there ya go!

I don't think I'd be happy having a stranger walking round my house tainting it
How on earth is she tainting it? She's not putting a curse on it.
If you know the story checks out I would let her. Maybe I'd not be alone but I have listened to too many true crime podcasts!!!

It sounds like she is holding on to trauma, whether it was through abuse or neglect, and now as an adult, she needs to see the house isn't a big scary place that can hurt her. Just putting bad memories to rest.

Yeah I agree, I think it’s very unfair on the OP to make out she’s being selfish. I agree the writer won’t have been ‘trying’ to taint it but if you’re someone with high levels of emotional sensitivity - or trauma or ourself 2 this can really affect you, particularly if it’s in your safe space/ refuge.

I think some of these responses are more indicative of how the posters relate to others’ feelings than anything else. Ability to compartmentalise varies greatly.

To also add, I would not contact her therapist to discuss it or judge the therapists credentials (unless you have some exsiting expertise here) - as suggested by others. They may seem extremely persuasive, but you won't get objective help there and you risk entering into a dialogue that is hard to remove yourself from.

If you're not comfortable inviting her around, perhaps you could offer to send her a video instead.

You could suggest for you and your husband to meet her for a coffee at a cafe to find out more about what her visit would involve, ask any questions or concerns you have. Then you can go away and have a think about it.

It’s not about the ‘trauma dump’, drama Queen, it’s OP making someone else’s trauma into a personal attack on her and her house, which it isn’t. She doesn’t have to agree to allow her to come to her house, but to imply someone is using their trauma as some kind of weapon to taint a strangers house, is one of the most insensitive, narcissistic things I’ve ever read.

I think I would let this happen but I wouldn’t want to be there, I’d get a friend to be there

I would not allow it. The request is rather self-indulgent.
The woman has given no consideration to your situation. You may have had your own particular trauma to face, her request could have been triggering for you. She has put her own needs before yours.
It’s good that she is working through her past. Involving strangers in her healing is not the best way forward.
I should put the letter in the bin and forget about it.

I’d find that a massive invasion of privacy and unsettling. I’m not convinced of the therapeutic value but it isn’t your job to facilitate her healing. If you aren’t comfortable then don’t do it. Your feelings are valid in this situation as well.

how does that make that single line any better? How would it justify OP accusing this poor woman as using her trauma to ‘taint’ a strangers home?

I said nothing about if she should allow her to visit or not, so I don’t know why you think I did?

This seems quite common now...on all the 'celebrities laid bare' documentaries they seem to do it.Sometimes it is just the outside of the house though.

I find it abit strange in a way as i wonder how useful it is to purposefully re-live past traumas and re-open old wounds, especially if it triggers things that had been forgotten for a reason, but maybe that is all part of the healing process for some, and i guess they must sometimes find it useful.

I think that many 'normal' families hide dark secrets, so who knows what happened, and she sounds a decent, genuine person.

However i do understand your reservations....if she was say in your child's bedroom and she got all upset and disclosed abuse that happened there or something, you would think about that every time you go in there, so whilst on the face of it it would be kind to say yes, I think others are being naive dismissing your concerns it could 'taint the house'

Even if when accompanying her you witnessed her having difficult emotions in a certain area of the home, but had asked her not to tell you why, surely you would always wonder what happened there.

It is a difficult one.

It seems it’s not unheard of. I agree with PP maybe the therapist that suggested it should attend with her ideally as you don’t know what could happen. Of course you’ll need to verify they are who they say they are as well.

Personally I would let her come but would go out and let your husband show her around etc. That way you don't have to think about it. The letter is respectful and you know she is genuine. I think it's understandable in a way that seeing the house now may for her bring some closure so she can move on from whatever happened. You could remove photos and personal items of course. I know the family who lived in our house before (vaguely) and it wouldn't trouble me to let one in for 10 mins.