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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Received a strange request in the post

596 replies

tmreunion · 02/11/2023 11:36

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 02/11/2023 11:48

I think I'd ask to meet her somewhere for a cup of tea first. I'd probably say yes because the opportunity to help someone heal would feel important to me.

Hellers · 02/11/2023 11:48

I'd agree, setting some boundaries such as a time limit to the visit and if there are any particular areas of the house you wish to keep private. I wouldn't engage with her much as you don't want to be drawn into her issues in what is now your own happy home. I would be sure to have someone else in the house with you at the time just for your own peace of mind.

Strictlymad · 02/11/2023 11:48

I don’t t think she’s trying to taint anything, she’s obviously going through a tough time putting this trauma to bed and is likely an enormous step for her to do this, one taking huge courage. I would help her

Gnomegnomegnome · 02/11/2023 11:48

Btw instead of looking at it as tainting your home look at it as healing. For her it’s already tainted, the bad thing already happened.

PurpleChrayne · 02/11/2023 11:49

Absolutely not.

There's way too much of this pandering nonsense around at the moment. Useless psychobabble.

Apossum · 02/11/2023 11:49

Honestly I’d allow it. It’s such a minor thing to you but could make all the difference to her. She isn’t a random, you know she is who she says she is and it won’t ‘taint’ your home.

Jewelspun · 02/11/2023 11:50

No. It's not the same home she allegedly suffered in.

I think it's disgusting for her therapist to put you in this position.

There are many ways to overcome and or work through trauma and inflicting what happened to you on an innocent family in their home is wrong.

What is she breaks down and starts weeping and wailing or even becomes angry and aggressive?

What is she wants to come round all the time?

No, do not facilitate this in any shape or form and spoil the quiet enjoyment you have in what is now your home.

MidnightOnceMore · 02/11/2023 11:50

I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it. Also, you are making this woman's trauma about you. I don't think it is about you at all, it is about her healing process.

Doggymummar · 02/11/2023 11:50

I would, but I would want her therapist with her incase it triggered something, you can't be expected to help her if that happens

MinnieL · 02/11/2023 11:50

I’d 100% do it. All she’s doing is stepping into your home and 10 minutes sounds like it’ll make a huge difference to her life. I don’t think she’s trying to taint your home at all. A bit of a weird way to look at it

fungibletoken · 02/11/2023 11:51

Could she bring her therapist along if you're comfortable with that? My concern would be that she doesn't know how she's going to react. If it sent her into a crisis I wouldn't know how to deal with it.

Horriblewoman · 02/11/2023 11:51

I’d see it less as her tainting your house and more than your house will help her heal, so it’s using it in a positive way.

Movinghouseatlast · 02/11/2023 11:51

I can absolutely see your point of view about it tainting the house, but I would let her look round but maybe not be present. You don't want to know the details or see her break down.

I found out a few weeks after we bought our house that the husband of tge woman we bought it from had hung himself in the hallway. All the builders I had in the house knew but didn't tell me. My view on it is that all houses will have known trauma at some stage, especially old houses.

sollenwir · 02/11/2023 11:52

I would acknowledge her letter, first and foremost, and explain that you need a little bit of time to think about it but will get back to her in (insert reasonable time point). That way she knows you are aware of her request (letter didn't get lost or immediately thrown away by you etc) but that you do need some time to think it over.

I want to think I'd help but I am not 100% sure I would.

endlessfall · 02/11/2023 11:52

Whatever happened in the house has already happened.
The previous occupant returning for ten minutes won't change the past.
Being part of her healing process might help you feel a little better about the trauma that this house has witnessed if you think houses hold onto such things.

MidnightOnceMore · 02/11/2023 11:52

'pandering' Hmm

Oldthyme · 02/11/2023 11:52

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/11/2023 11:48

I think I'd ask to meet her somewhere for a cup of tea first. I'd probably say yes because the opportunity to help someone heal would feel important to me.

My thoughts exactly.

Meet her somewhere neutral, coffee, get to know her a bit, where she lives etc. Check that out if you can.

Then if you feel comfortable, invite her for a cuppa another time back at yours.

No need to dissect her traumas, just look on it as making a new acquaintance without getting to pally or getting too involved.

graciousmouse · 02/11/2023 11:53

I might ask to have a brief phone chat with her first with the caveat that she doesn't have to discuss the trauma itself. It will help you get an idea of whether you would be comfortable with her coming around to your house.

MissChanandlerB0NG · 02/11/2023 11:53

I would allow it. 10 minutes of your time in exchange for a step forward in someone's healing process.
It's a no brainer.

MidnightOnceMore · 02/11/2023 11:53

I want to think I'd help but I am not 100% sure I would. This is how I feel too.

FourNonBlondez · 02/11/2023 11:54

Agree, it is a well written, respectful letter where she clearly would respect your boundaries if you said no.
You have no idea the difference it could make to her life and you and your husband could allow that.
If it was me, I would allow it but on the basis your husband (and you) accompany her around the house and she is just to look and not touch anything.

CorylusAgain · 02/11/2023 11:54

Thinking she might "taint" your house is quite strange.
You have contact details for her and know she is the daughter who lived there 15 years ago.
In reality it's the same as having a plumber or electrician in your home. They are all strangers that you would presumably allow (supervised) access to your home?
Arrange a time when you and dc can be out of the house and dh can show her round.

thelongroad · 02/11/2023 11:54

No I don't think I'd allow this and I'm very sceptical that a therapist actually suggested it.

Ollifer · 02/11/2023 11:56

It's not that I wouldnt want to help I think id just be wary about potential issues that could arise. What if she became obsessed with coming by the house, or contacting you, etc. I think id allow a ten min walk round on the basis and understanding that that would be the end of it

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/11/2023 11:56

I'd do it.

As long as she is who she says she is and you know that to be genuine then yes of course I'd want to help.