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AIBU?

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Original poster

Received a strange request in the post

596 replies

tmreunion · 02/11/2023 11:36

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

OP posts:
Itsjustagoogleaway · 02/11/2023 12:16

I think you need to consider how this may affect your own perception of your house if someone is walking around who found it an upsetting place to be.
Is that something you could ever forget.

I would suggest she can stand outside, with her own support network. Or / and in the garden if there’s access externally. I wouldn’t allow entry.

I would also like to check out the therapist who made this suggestion as it is extremely odd. Are they qualified, if so phone them up and ask them to find alternative solutions to the issue. Maybe the therapist could find photos more helpful.

Is the house still on rightmove sold. They keep internal photos on their website for a while.

Will the walk around even be helpful as it no longer has her and her families stuff in it.

endlessfall · 02/11/2023 12:17

ToadOnTheHill · 02/11/2023 12:06

Not a fucking chance. I'd be suspicious that someone is casing the joint to see if we were worth robbing.

Honestly unless you are unusually wealthy, with safes and hidden panic rooms this would be total overkill.
There are easier ways to steal from people that don't involve leaving a written paper trail.

CuteAsDuck · 02/11/2023 12:17

You know it's the daughter so therefore not a scam. I would have to allow her this. Under the circumstances I personally wouldn't feel right to refuse.

However it's your home and your boundary so you need to do what's right for you.

MaraScottie · 02/11/2023 12:17

People are always so quick to think the worst of someone, its depressing.

I'd absolutely help, its such a minor ask that could really help someone struggling.

Pezdeoro41 · 02/11/2023 12:17

Movinghouseatlast · 02/11/2023 11:51

I can absolutely see your point of view about it tainting the house, but I would let her look round but maybe not be present. You don't want to know the details or see her break down.

I found out a few weeks after we bought our house that the husband of tge woman we bought it from had hung himself in the hallway. All the builders I had in the house knew but didn't tell me. My view on it is that all houses will have known trauma at some stage, especially old houses.

I can also understand how you feel. I agree with @Movinghouseatlast - I would let her do it but I would not want to know the details. All houses will have had some trauma in them but equally I can see why you wouldn’t want to know “x/y/z was done to me right here” for example in your kids’ bedrooms. Maybe some posters could be totally unaffected by that but some people really absorb the trauma of others. I work in a field where I see and hear a lot of bad things and this is a recognised phenomenon - vicarious trauma - there are certainly things that I’ve seen and heard that I can’t unsee and things I would definitely not want to know about happening in my house, because I would think about them all the time.

So yes, I’d let her in, but probably let her go round alone and make it clear in the kindest possible way that I didn’t want to know details (as PPs said, she probably won’t want to share anyway).

nokidshere · 02/11/2023 12:17

This thread makes me sad for humanity.

Why? To allow a stranger into your home who has MH problems which could be triggered by being in the house is irresponsible. Who knows how she will react by being there?

There are lots of things I would do to help others, but being responsible for a therapy visit with no way of knowing the outcome isn't one of them.

GirrlCrush · 02/11/2023 12:18

It might not 'heal'

It might cause further harm

Cosmosforbreakfast · 02/11/2023 12:18

This is a very bizarre thing for a therapist to suggest.

Even if this girl is who she says she is, there's no guarantee she's not some sort of scammer. What if you did agree? Supposing that 10 min visit wasn't enough and her therapist suggests another visit and another and another......

I would just bin the letter and forget about it.

Dotjones · 02/11/2023 12:18

I would reply asking for the contact details of her therapist. Once you have them you can look them up and see if they are a proper therapist, then contact them to speak to them and find out why/whether they think this is a good idea. No way would I allow a complete stranger into my home to revisit their childhood trauma if they are not supported - there's no telling what damage they may do (to themselves and you) if they are triggered whilst there.

UnDruidlyWords · 02/11/2023 12:19

I grew up in a very abusive childhood and my memories of the house we lived in are full of fear. Seeing the house again and in a completely new light would be very helpful to me, but it's a long way away and I don't currently have the courage to ask. I can only imagine how my view of that house might melt away from seeing it with its new family living there, and my memory of it changed to a home that was not cold and frightening, but warm, happy and comfortable.

Farmageddon · 02/11/2023 12:19

I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

This is a strange perspective to take - it's not her tainting your home, she jut had a different experience growing up there. If you don't want to let her in, that's your prerogative, but it doesn't mean she is trying to do something malevolent.

NinaGeiger · 02/11/2023 12:20

I wrote a really similar letter once, although the situation was completely different. The new owners were well aware of the incident that had happened in the house because it was local common knowledge.
They were very accommodating and it really helped me to see the house had changed and moved on. They didn't follow me around but left me to it.
My only concern would be who comes with the person to the house. It would be good if their therapist came or a trusted person in case the person gets upset.
I had a cup of tea with the after looking around and we had a nice chat, just about the house and local area in general.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/11/2023 12:20

Agree to take her bit arrange to be out with the kids and put it out of your head.

evryevrytime · 02/11/2023 12:21

Have only read the first page of the thread but I'm surprised to see so many people advocating going along with this request.

Personally it would be a hard 'no' from me. This is your family home, I would hate to be taking her round either wondering or being told explicitly what awful thing had happened to her in each room.

There are plenty of other ways for her to try and come to terms with her trauma, including therapy, and I am not convinced returning to a specific physical location is going to do very much to help her.

I would write back with a polite reply saying that you are sure she understands that this is now your happy family home and while you understand her need for closure you do not feel you can open up your house to be used as part of her rehabilitation.

Megifer · 02/11/2023 12:21

EspressoMacchiato · 02/11/2023 12:12

This thread makes me sad for humanity.

And some of the responses convince me even more that nowadays if someone has a problem it's someone else's responsibility to sort out for them, and if they don't they are a big ol meanie 🙄

ToadOnTheHill · 02/11/2023 12:21

@endlessfall not really, it's an excellent way to see where the keys are located, where the stuff is and to identify if a woman in naive or living alone.

The paper trail proves nothing. I doubt she would be the one lifting the stuff herself. Pass info to gang members etc.

There is no benefit to OP.

BertieBotts · 02/11/2023 12:23

I would let her. I would let your DH show her around since he seems more unemotional about it. If it's making you feel like the house is "tainted" just at the thought that she suffered trauma there, it will be ten times worse if she turns out to say "This was my bedroom and it's where XYZ happened" - It's probably unlikely that she would actually disclose anything directly to you, but if you already feel awkward about it, I would just say to avoid it yourself personally.

At the end of the day it's just a house; it's your house now, not hers, whatever happened there is in the past. It would be nice to let her look around I think. But you don't need to worry that anything that happened to her will have any effect on you or your family. It's just memories and those left when that family left the house. You have now made it yours.

Unless you are a strong believer in some kind of energy/spirit in which case you could always let her look around and then ask a priest or local spiritualist to come and bless the house to dispel any potential bad energy/feeling after she has gone?

VanityDiesHard · 02/11/2023 12:23

MaraScottie · 02/11/2023 12:17

People are always so quick to think the worst of someone, its depressing.

I'd absolutely help, its such a minor ask that could really help someone struggling.

It is not at all a 'minor ask'. I actually think it was quite a boundary violation to even ask. In a sense, the damage is already done by writing the letter, I would be really upset and annoyed. I don't think it is a scam, but this is almost worse. I don't know why people are berating the OP for not wanting to be part of someone's very personal therapy journey. I don't think the therapist should have suggested writing to the OP.

Itsjustagoogleaway · 02/11/2023 12:23

As another thought.
Whilst you have already checked and confirmed it is the daughter do you actually know this.
Have you actually confirmed her identity beyond the name. Can you really know a passport isn’t fake, for example.
Can you ever really know this person is who she says she is.

As most of us can’t, then isn’t this a risk.

SurelySmartie · 02/11/2023 12:23

I’m definitely not one for strange requests and have a very high threshold of suspicion. But this sounds genuine and I would help her.

Obvs you don’t leave her alone wandering round and have someone else in the house with you.

I get what you’re saying about tainting your home but this has already happened and you now know about it. I would feel more tainted by not helping her.

Naunet · 02/11/2023 12:23

I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it

Wow. I’m sure she’s very sorry her traumatic experience has tainted your home. Fuck me.

ManateeFair · 02/11/2023 12:24

almost like she's trying to taint it

"Trying to taint it"?? Do you think you're somehow going to catch PTSD from her like a dose of herpes just because something awful happened to her?

Ultimately, it's your house and (as she makes clear in her message) it's entirely up to you whether you want to facilitate this. You're certainly under no obligation, and if you feel it would be an invasion of your privacy I can understand why you might want to say you're not comfortable with it. It is not unreasonable to say no or (as she also makes clear in her message) not to respond.

What I don't understand is that you seem to feel that she's being weird for even asking. She's not. She's sent you an incredibly polite message, you know she is who she says she is, and she's made it repeatedly clear that she isn't putting any pressure on you to say yes. But you're reacting as if she's being selfish for having the temerity to have been unhappy in your house, and I find your reaction really weird and quite unpleasant. I can imagine that, if I were in your position, I might think 'No, it's just too intrusive having a stranger working through her feelings in our house, so I'm going to have to say no'. But I can't imagine thinking that she was 'trying to taint' my house.

BeadedBubbles · 02/11/2023 12:25

In your shoes I think I would say you'd like to help but would first like a letter from her therapist to confirm that they have actually recommended this as something that would be beneficial to her.

It may be that the therapist suggested/meant looking at your house from the outside. Or it may be that a therapist has not suggested it at all/doesn't exist and the writer is claiming this to add weight to her request. If the latter a visit may do her more harm than good.

Excited101 · 02/11/2023 12:25

Absolutely, so long as she brought someone else with her in case of upset.

Nicole1111 · 02/11/2023 12:25

I’d help her and feel grateful that the love I brought to our family home could help to heal the trauma of a past resident