Received a strange request in the post

[tmreunion]

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

You've articulated my own view to the letter. And I'm also seriously sceptical that some of these self-professed therapists are who they say they are. They are certainly skilled at constructing straw men, as seen in the suggestions that those raising concerns about this therapist's apparent advice to their client are questioning the viability of this form of therapy. In fact, they are questioning the parameters set out in the OP, the dubious methods of the approach in the letter and the scant concern on the therapists' part for either their client or the bystander. The client is also putting emotional blackmail upon the home owner to become involved. And neither of the two papers disingenuously quoted above make any reference to the point those who posted these links claim to be defending.

And as far as the OP is concerned, yes, if approached in this vein by anyone, even if you have taken the trouble to verify that they are who they say they are, you are absolutely entitled to question the ethical practices surrounding the approach being made. In fact, it would be only responsible to do so.

It's also noteworthy that at least one of the posters claiming to be a therapist on this thread is taking a similar 'be kind' stance to an OP being taken advantage of by her family on another thread.

At the very least, if therapists give ill-advised suggestions to a stranger on the www that inviting a complete stranger into their home and giving them tea and biscuits, irrespective of risk asssesment of any kind, people are going to raise objections. And if they really are this disingenuous and evasive when questioned about any aspect of their practice - not least if they're this ignorant of the ethics of their profession - it raises some serious questions about that profession (either that, or it points to the conclusion you've drawn above: that they are not really members of it).

I sincerely, genuinely hope that they are merely mischief-makers.

If this was a visit where someone wanted to see their house they grew up in, would you feel tainted? Are people who suffered abuse somthing to be ashamed of or feared? and here we go again with the emotional guilt.
If someone wanted to see the house they’d grown up in I’d think they had a bloody nerve, in just the same way as I think this woman has a bloody nerve offloading her emotional blackmail on to the OP and wanting to intrude on her family home.

The abuse (assuming it was abuse, she said trauma, so it could be something which isn’t abuse such as the death of a family member for instance,) is just a stick people are using to guilt the OP into feeling that she’s wrong to not want her privacy invaded.

I'm not seeing any emotional guilt in the letter at all. It quite clearly says no response is required.

I would be quite happy for the woman to come round but if I wasn't then there's nothing in the way the letter is phrased that would make me feel guilty.

There's a weird attitude I've seen on here before where the very act of asking something is deemed to be rude, intrusive, aggressive etc. I've seen it on threads about asking a neighbour to consider cutting down a tree and on someone in a holiday cottage being asked if someone can come round for a viewing. In both cases, such as this, there was an entirely open request. No demands were made but so many people are apparently angered just by being asked a question. I don't get it.

I can understand why you do not like the reframing of your family home; however, everything is different to every different person. The fact that it is a happy family home now may help this person.

I’d be happy to help. You just need to acknowledge the part of you that feels threatened by the reframing and keep your ‘house’ firm in your mind.

I vote to help this person out.

I don’t get it either. What is the inconvenience?

I think I’d help her, but I’d set up a meeting on neutral ground beforehand (a coffee perhaps) not to dig into detail, but just for an ice breaking chat.

Up to you, of course, but given the gravity of the overall situation, I probably wouldn't try to make it last longer and say more about it. I'd either let her in to walk around or I wouldn't, but I wouldn't prolong and further complicate things.

Everything about it is inconvenient.

Cleaning the house in readiness for her arrival, needing to give up her time, presumably needing to make sure the kids are out of the way so she can wander around their bedrooms. Anyone who thinks that someone coming round would just be happy to take a family as they are when wanting to gain something emotional from it is naive. This was never going to be a ten minute walk around. There’s already a poster here who had a similar experience which her DH facilitated and ended up with an incredibly upset person they weren’t equipped to deal with.

If I wanted to facilitate house viewings I’d have the house on the market and an estate agent to do them for me.

I would want to talk to the therapist before hand, and insist that the Therapist accompanies them on the visit.

I’m sorry to jump in on someone else’s post but your comment stood out to me ! In 2006 my Nan ran away from a nursing home , she had dementia and she ended up back at the house she had lived in just before she went in to the nursing home . I know it’s a very big world and highly unlikely but if you are from the midlands it could well be!

I would help her.
It could be a massive step in her recovery .
Your home is not tainted as you have not suffered , it’s her memories not your own … I get it would feel it but hold on to the fact you are happy and have a happy home . Maybe seeing the house now as a happy place may help her draw a line under a part of her life and begin to heal .

Its a very polite letter and it must have taken a lot for her to write xx

I would have no issue with inviting her in.

I had a similar letter and I let the lady in. She was lovely, it turned out her daughter, a toddler, had died in the house years before. I made her a cup of tea and left her alone to sit in her grief in the bedroom. She came down and we had a huge hug and she was so thankful. When I sold the house a few years later I contacted her and asked if she wanted to come over again before I moved out. She did and I left her in the bedroom while I took the dog for a little walk. She said she had said her goodbyes to her daughter in the room and left feeling really positive and healed. We remain in touch and I message her every year on what would be her daughter’s death and since I have had a daughter and I totally understand her bond of grief now. We are Facebook friends. Our houses have history and people have feelings. I find it weird that people wouldn’t help a human being in pain? It doesn’t taint your house at all!!

It's your home so you can do what you want. However your idea that it will taint your home is weird and ridiculous. Unless you really believe that she was traumatised by evil sprits who might come back. I don't think you'd be wrong to say no or not reply, but if you can help why not?!

I was already tearing up at the woman who took her teenage son to see the big house at the end of the long driveway and now this has me in tears.

There are some very lovely people in this world.

That sounds like the classic "clash between ask and guess culture".

https://medium.com/redhill-review/navigating-ask-and-guess-cultures-in-a-modern-world-30b167f8ab09

I think it honestly depends on your own family situation.

I have young children and therefore wouldn’t be comfortable allowing a stranger to be in my home and potentially be upset/distressed whilst doing a walk around.

However, if it was just me and my husband I would probably let her. Purely as it doesn’t ultimately do you any harm but may help her.

I would maybe suggest giving her a call or text to try and build up some rapport and see whether you would feel comfortable after a short conversation about her expectations etc ?

Well since no-one knows what actually happened to the woman in that home as a child it's not anyone's business to question or criticise what a mental health professional has helped the woman to identify as something that will help her healing process (Ie visiting the old home, and not pandering psychobabble (just because it does not work for everyone does not mean that therapy doesn't work)). Ultimately it is OPs choice but I like others suggesting that OP can meet the woman first at a public location then also invite the therapist to come along as the woman's support person. All the woman is asking for is 10 minutes, and the suggestion to put away valuable items and designate certain areas like children's bedrooms as off limits are also good ideas, then OP won't (shouldn't) need to constantly watch the woman and/or her therapist as they accompany the visitors through the home.

I think if you can help you should, you don’t even have to be there if you’re sensitive to her trauma, your husband seems willing so let him do it but I think seeing her previous home being lived in by a happy family would probably help her road to recovery a lot

The people who are suggesting OP should help are clearly caring people and some understand how visiting the site of previous trauma can help to heal like the comments who said she had trauma from her relationship with her mentally ill mother and the one who found out that the previous owner's daughter died.
Clearly the both of you have had experiences that make you extremely distrustful but I don't know your stories or what work you have done on yourselves (some people are happy to remain ignorant and prefer to not work on themselves and grow).
As some have said the letter is very respectful as no demands are made and there is even a clause specifically stating that OP is not expected to do anything. I did read someone else posting a link to the ask/guess methods of making requests and in this case, it is clearly ask because it is a hard yes/no response. Either way both of you sound like you could benefit from working on yourselves but it would only work if you want to like an addict only being able to change if they truly want to (not saying either of you are but it's the best analogy I could think of).

I think that is a really well thought out letter that isn’t trying to guilt you into it, more than once she says that its understandable if you don’t want to.

I would definately facilitate this, on a day when my son wasn’t there. You have checked out that it is the person who lived there so its very unlikely its a scam of any kind.

I wouldn’t want to speak to her therapist as some have suggested, I would believe her and I don’t see any need to check up to that degree. There’s no need for you to know who her therapist is, that seems very intrusive when regardless of therapy its a decision as an adult she is asking for.

Its very little effort on your part for something that could make a big difference to someone else. If you don’t want to know what she experienced in your home, then tell her that, potentially she has no intention to discuss it with a stranger anyway.