Received a strange request in the post

[tmreunion]

I received a letter yesterday in the post to the 'current owner'.

We bought our house 15 years ago from a normal family - mum, dad, teenage daughter and younger son. Been very happy here.

I received a letter which reads -

'Dear current owner,

This is a very odd request and I completely understand and respect if you do not feel comfortable with this and therefore, there is no need to respond if that is the case.

I grew up in, what is now, your home. I experienced a lot of trauma in the home and have been working through this for the last few years. I was wondering if I would be able to come and see the house again, as part of my healing. This was suggested to me by my therapist and I feel it would be beneficial. However, as stated, I understand this is an unusual request and my healing is of no importance to a perfect stranger, so please do not feel pressured to agree to this.

If you were to kindly allow this, I would of course expect to be accompanied round the house and this would take no more than ten minutes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and if you would like to contact me my name is 'name' - 'contact number'. If not, I wish you and your family well.

Best wishes,

Name'

I added the number and it is indeed the teenage daughter who was part of the family we bought the house from. She is now in her 30s. I feel really odd about it and almost distrustful. I also don't like the thought that she experienced trauma in our home, almost like she's trying to taint it.

My husband thinks that although it's odd, she is clearly doing some inner work and why wouldn't we help someone who is in need?

What do you think? WIBU to ignore or should I text and feel it out from there?

Those saying get your DH to do it

NO! Don't!

It holds him open to alsorts of allegations with an already damaged individual

For all we know, the letter writer and therapist may be making an initial contact to see if the homeowner is, in theory, willing, at which point further discussion about any safeguarding/risk assessment could be discussed.

It may be the letter writer told her therapist she was thinking of doing this and the therapist merely said ‘that might be helpful’. Or that the therapist meant for her to just sit outside the house and the letter writer got the wrong end of the stick. Or it could be that after very careful consideration by both therapist and client, this is something they both agree could help. Or it could be that this is an unethical therapist who doesn’t know what they are doing. It may be that the letter writer is still deeply distressed and disturbed by her trauma. It may be they have done most of the processing and are toward the end of their healing journey and just want to re visit the home as an adult and be in control to shift the relationship they have to the memories. The word ‘trauma’ could mean anything as it is used in lots of different ways in common vernacular. The letter writer might meet criteria for C-PTSD or PTSD or not. She may just be processing difficulties in childhood that have impacted on her psychologically but isn’t having symptoms of PTSD.

Or many many many other possibilities. We just don’t have enough information to judge the merits of such an intervention or how distressed the letter writer might get.

But that’s ok because, it is not our role on this forum to decide the merits or ethics of the therapy. Or to guess how the letter writer might cope.

Our job is…to help the OP decide between binning the letter or getting in touch and ‘feeling it from there’. She’s not about to send the letter writer the key in the post and say ‘pop in any time’. There will be lots of opportunity to make sure it’s well thought out, if that is needed. There is no immediate risk here.

I think, unless the OP doesn’t want to or is feeling unresourced to, there is no harm in getting back to the letter writer at least and, as she says, ‘feeling it from there’.

From a therapeutic perspective it IS something that CAN be helpful. That has been confirmed several times by people who have expertise through experience or training.

Not sure I could facilitate this, my gut instinct is to find it intrusive into somewhere I connect with sanctuary and serenity for my own MH and well being. That's my priority and prerogative as an owner. In order to take it seriously, I
would also prefer the contact to have come from the therapist- with details I could use to look them up and ensure the legitimacy of the whole thing. Then I might entertain it.

In this particular instance I also wouldn't dignify the writer of such a manipulative letter with a response. I don't pander to guilt trippers. The tone put my back right up. I didn't find it at all respectful - it was rude.

They could do it together though? I'd say that'd be the safest bet.

I would help her. It would prey on my mind that I turned my back on someone who I could do a very small thing to help on their journey.

I’d imagine it’s taken her a lot of thought over whether to send you this letter and how to word it. I’d allow it, I don’t think anything negative could come from it in your behalf and it may help her.

I'd facilitate her request but would make it clear that I didn't want any details of the trauma that went on.

Seems like most people think this is perfectly fine but I don’t! It’s a politely worded letter but somewhat selfish of her. Why do I think that? Because by putting this on you - with no knowledge of whether you’ve experienced abuse, suicide etc - she’s also made you wonder what the hell happened in your home that’s led to her wanting to revisit it for therapy. I wouldn’t be letting my home serve as therapy for a stranger to exorcise their demons. Sorry, but I just wouldn’t and the therapist shouldn’t leading her to think that it’s an appropriate request to send out of the blue.

I think the same or it could be a highly manipulative way of getting into the house perhaps to look for something, who knows.

I would want to help.

I’d be willing to accommodate her but would make it clear that I didn’t want to know details of anything bad that had happened to her. She shouldn’t expect to talk to you about it - hopefully she doesn’t intend to do so.

So I don't think you are obliged to help first of all.

As a therapist who works with trauma, a 'site visit' can be really helpful in helping someone to realise that a place that holds bad memories is actually now a positive place. It creates a new image for them to hold in their head. If she is only asking for 10 mins I would say that she has likely already done a lot of processing and this is tidying up some stuff for her.
It might be more helpful to think about it that your home has helped her heal rather than associate it with trauma. :)

Obviously completely up to you and you could send photos/ videos if that would feel more comfortable or even meet with her first somewhere more neutral.

I spent five years in a home with my very abusuve ex. I still live near this house and drive past it. I also still talk to the lovely older couple who now own it when I bump into them. They are always inviting me round for a cup of tea. It's been five years and I have never taken them up on this offer. I don't know how I would feel going in that house again. I know I have moved on and everyone is different but I see no benefit to reliving it.

I think in the OP's shoes, I would be sympathetic to the letter but it would be a no, or I would not respond to the letter. It's OP's home now, she does not have a duty to let someone who had a bad experience there wander around. The woman may have significant MH issues, breakdown in tears, want to keep returning... better to not facilitate it at all in the first place.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting a stranger into my home. Sorry. It’s probably fine, but I have Dc and I wouldn’t want to risk something happening in their home. What if she had a breakdown in Dc bedroom what would I do then. Sorry.

I completely agree with you. I think the original poster has reacted very strangely to a perfectly innocent request.

If your gut is telling you to ignore it then do that - her therapist came up with this, not her, and you have no idea how she's going to react to the trauma when she arrives. I doubt she's intending to bring her therapist and, personally, I wouldn't want to invite a complete stranger to go through their personal trauma in my family home. If you are comfortable and happy with it by all means go for it...but I'd be making sure you have plenty of people there and around you, anyone easily distressed or vulnerable (children and pets) aren't there and you have a plan if it all starts going south.

is not our role on this forum to decide the merits or ethics of the therapy

Oh is it not? Who makes you the arbitrator of our 'role'? Any other topics you decree should be avoided then?

Monsteraescuelenta

You have taken that one sentence out of context. But that’s ok. I don’t mind. If anyone reads the full post they will see my intention hopefully. Not dictating - just clarifying, as there are a huge number of posts debating things and assuming things that are simply unknowable and not pertinent to the OPs dilemma.

It isn't out of context at all. Why is it your place to 'clarify' what can be discussed? Online threads move on.

Those with 'experience' on the thread have shown themselves as worryingly lacking in any clarity about the ethics, safeguards or purported risk assessment around a vulnerable person going into a stranger's house. So no, they do not hold the final authority on this discussion. Especially when quoting irrelevant papers.

EMonsteraescuelenta

Im not telling people what to do. I’m saying that we don’t have enough information to judge the ethics and merits of the therapy (there are way too many unknowns) but that’s ok because that’s not the task at hand. The op hasn’t asked ‘is this a good idea in therapy’. She’s asked if she should bin the letter or get in touch and feel it out from there. I’m simply stating we can’t know, but that’s ok because we don’t need to!!!

I had some deeply traumatic experiences during my early teens due to my mother’s mental health issues. I’ve had counselling but remember the house where it happened with dread and live fairly locally. Years later I drove past the house to show my teenage son where it was as it is rather grand and imposing and parked at the end of the (very long) drive. The owner came out to presumably challenge me and I apologised and said I’d lived there almost forty years ago, and mentioned an unusual feature in the house. The owner then changed her manner and was friendly and offered to show me round to see how it had changed. The experience was completely cathartic for me. Rooms in which I’d felt terrified were now almost unrecognisable and the layout had been changed, despite the house being huge and old. I thanked the owner and sent and thank you card saying how helpful it had been as my sister and I had been unhappy there. The owner’s husband (who hadn’t been there at the time) replied to me and offered to let my sister come and look around. My sister lives a long way away and chose not to but I have always felt enormously grateful to that couple for their very kind hearts.
I am pretty sure I didn't taint the atmosphere and my awful experiences (which I didn't relay to the owners) were wholly personal to the relationship I had with my mother so wouldn't have spoiled their life there.
I hope you feel able to help. Good luck!

You didn’t buy your house from a “normal” family. It is clear you bought your home from at best abusive parent(s) and at worst peadophile(s). This has already happened in your house and a young girl coming back to try and put her past behind her is in noway going to change that for you, change the past of your home, or change your future enjoyment in your home. This isn’t about you it is about her. You’ve done your due diligence and it’s clear you have established the young girl is who she says she is. Whether or not you want to let her in your home is completely up to you but to suggest that there is something untoward going on or she will ruin your memories of your house is over the top.

I think this is a really unfair statement to make. Not all childhood trauma is the result of child abuse or paedophilia, and it is entirely wrong of you to put this on to an innocent bystander, who just happens to now live in that house. It's about the OP, just as much as it is about the author of the letter. It is the OP's house and the OP's family/children's house and safe space. Of course it is about them!

The mor of this thread I read, the angrier it makes me.

The letter wasn’t respectful at all, it was dripping with emotional guilt and manipulation, all this “oh you’re not responsible for my healing “ has the look of a martyr about it.

But it’s successfully laid on enough guilt that plenty of virtue signallers have come crawling out of the woodwork to guilt the OP into allowing this woman into her house, and putting herself out to do so, with clearly no consideration to the fact that A, the woman may be emotionally scarred by her experience, B, this probably wouldn’t be a one off or has every potential not to be, and C, this is the OP’s home and she owes this woman nothing. And knowing that something bad may have happened in the house is absolutely about her when a total stranger is expecting her to become a part of it by allowing her to come and have a look round.

As fr the supposed “therapists” on this thread, either they are ethically dubious, or there are several who are in fact Doreen who works down the local chippy living out their fantasies of being a therapist and encouraging people to do good. The one who told the OP to invite the woman in, and give her a cup of tea with some added guilt tripping thrown in for good measure is no more a therapist than I am IMO.

And before someone points to those papers that people have linked to, not one has suggested that writing to a complete stranger to gain access to their house would be acceptable or recommended.

Firstly let's address what a brave thing for this person to be doing. To confront the trauma and then to ask for permission from you to visit so she can continue to heal.

Now let's address the "tainting" your house / family busness. Her trauma was and is nothing to do with you or your family. The bricks that you call home were also someone's home before you and her memories and experience is not something that can influence your family.

If this was a visit where someone wanted to see their house they grew up in, would you feel tainted? Are people who suffered abuse somthing to be ashamed of or feared?

You can in a small way help someone on their recovery journey what a privileged position to be in.

Please help them, as they didn't ask for this trauma and they have took steps to heal.