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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think my parents are still biological

448 replies

Dontknowwhoiamrightnow · 01/11/2023 10:51

Last week I urgently needed my birth certificate. I couldn't find it, so ordered a copy.
A few days later the post arrives and there is a letter to say that the information I provided for the birth certificate didn't match, but they checked some other files and the certificate is enclosed.
It's an ADOPTION certificate!!! I have an adoption certificate.
I had no idea I had even been adopted!!
Backstory-: I lived with my "mum and dad". I had my mum's maiden name at birth.
My parents told me that my name was changed to my dad's surname when they got married two years after birth.
I was told this was so that we could all have the same name.
This was In the 1980's.
My mum does look like me and my kids, so I think she is my biological mum.
AIBU to think that my parents are my biological parents and they became my adopters, just to change my name OR is it reasonable to think that my dad is not my real dad.
I know, I'm clutching at straws, it seems more than likely he's not my real dad.... How do I make sense of it all? Is there really any chance they are both my bio parents and the adoption was just to make me legitimate?
I'm in bits right now and don't know what to do xxx

OP posts:
Rootless1 · 01/11/2023 10:52

Wel tbh the only thing you really can do is ask them. You could go down the dna testing route?

Patchworksack · 01/11/2023 10:54

Are your parents still alive? Or ask other relatives?

Seagrassbasket · 01/11/2023 10:56

I’m really sorry this has happened, what an awful shock for you.

I would urge you to speak to your parents about it and open a dialogue with them. This will be an ongoing thing you will need to talk about a lot and I would suggest counselling once the initial shock has passed.

I don’t know much about the legalities, but I would have thought the certificate would only have your dads name on it, if he was the one adopting you? As in if you are your mums biological daughter and he adopted you after he met your mum?

Butchyrestingface · 01/11/2023 10:57

AIBU to think that my parents are my biological parents and they became my adopters

I don't think that's likely from what you've posted, sorry OP. This must be a terrible shock. I presume your parents are both dead? Do you have other biological family you can discuss this with?

Are they both listed on the adoption certificate? If so, that would suggest they have both adopted you.

Sirzy · 01/11/2023 10:58

If they are still alive then you need to ask them. Otherwise do you have other relatives you can talk to?

hope you find answers soon

Changingplace · 01/11/2023 10:58

Wow what a shock to get that through the post like that!

Are your mum & dad still alive? I think you need to speak to them and find out the truth.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 01/11/2023 10:59

I think you just need to ask them. Any of those possibilities could be true and none of us can really say with any certainty what the truth is.

Gingernaut · 01/11/2023 11:00

At some point, the biological father DID have to formerly adopt his biological child after marriage, but I'm not sure when that was, or what the law says now

It's possible, but you'd need a DNA test to be sure.

LadyEloise1 · 01/11/2023 11:02

What a shock for you @Dontknowwhoiamrightnow If it were me I would do a DNA test before speaking with them if they are still alive.
The DNA test should help give you some answers. It certainly helped my dh.

SirVixofVixHall · 01/11/2023 11:02

Butchyrestingface · 01/11/2023 10:57

AIBU to think that my parents are my biological parents and they became my adopters

I don't think that's likely from what you've posted, sorry OP. This must be a terrible shock. I presume your parents are both dead? Do you have other biological family you can discuss this with?

Are they both listed on the adoption certificate? If so, that would suggest they have both adopted you.

I agree with this, what does it say on the certificate? Do you have any siblings ?
You need to ask your Mum, but as she hasn’t said anything to you and you are an adult now, then she may not be truthful.
Your Dad might have adopted you, if your Mum was a single parent when you were born, but if both parents are named then they probably both adopted you.
It must be a huge shock, I hope you can get to the truth by talking with your Mum.

Bellaboo01 · 01/11/2023 11:02

It sounds as though your Mum is your biological parent and your Dad met your Mum when you were very young and then adopted you and that is why your name was changed.
Are your parents still alive? Can you ask them? Or if not, do you have any other family that would have been around before you were born (as they would know the situation).
It doesnt take away the fact that you hopefully had two loving parents. Unfortunately this was very common in the 70's and 80's and family 'secrets' were apparently ok!

Neriah · 01/11/2023 11:03

Obviously, if there is someone you can ask you will need to do that, but I assume that there must be a real birth certificate for you somewhere if there is no other route to the facts.

I recognise this is a shock to you whatever the truth of it is, but they are / were still your parents in every sense of the meaning, whether or not that is a biological fact. Try to hold on to that. They chose you and they loved you.

UnbeatenMum · 01/11/2023 11:04

My friend had to adopt her own child when her husband did (not the biological father). So that's a definite possibility. I've not heard of both parents adopting their own child but hopefully someone else will have if it existed. These days you can change a child's name by deed poll.

hedgehoglurker · 01/11/2023 11:05

What a shock, I hope you get the answers you need.I do recall that in the past both parents had to adopt, even if the mother was biological. So I would think it's possible that your father was your step-father who adopted you.

TeenDivided · 01/11/2023 11:06

Another possibility would be that you were the child of your Mum's younger sister if she has one. e.g. If aunt was a teenage.
The best way to find out is to chat to your parents if still alive, or any aunts/uncles.

UnbeatenMum · 01/11/2023 11:06

Also if you're in the UK you can call your local regional adoption agency for post adoption support and advice - they can support adopted adults to access their records.

ManateeFair · 01/11/2023 11:09

If your dad was your biological father, he wouldn't need to have been married to your mum in order to be named on your birth certificate, or for you to have been given his name at birth. He wouldn't need to 'adopt' you.

Ultimately, you'll have to ask your parents this (if that's possible), but my guess is that perhaps your mum had you before she met your dad, and your dad adopted you when you were a baby. I would guess that you might have a different biological father.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this sudden shock and uncertainty. This exact thing happened to an ex-boyfriend of mine when he was in his 30s and it was a huge revelation for him to come to terms with. However, if anything it has strengthened his relationship with his dad, as he realised that for his dad to have adopted him and supported him all his life, despite him not being his dad's biological son, his dad must really, really love him.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 01/11/2023 11:09

OP I'm so sorry. What a deception.

From what you say it sounds like neither are biological as I can't see why an adoption certificate would be needed. I guess that's your first question if parents aren't alive. What is the process / norm? Any parents siblings or friends or even neighbours should be able to fill you in. Everyone knows when a couple adopts.

I'm adopted and don't look unlike my family really, we have same ethnicity and have different features and it's more obvious in photos but in person we speak the same and have the same mannerisms. I've often been told I'm like my Mum or sister. I have never cared much for my biological background, although I have met my birth mother but to me a biological link isn't a big deal. That's because I've been raised with that as my norm, but I can only imagine how shocked you must feel.

There is an adoption board here and there are loads of different supports out there, I just don't know specifics but I think you should seek support while going through this.

OneFrenchEgg · 01/11/2023 11:10

My adopted by dh daughter has a birth certificate and an adoption certificate. The most likely thing is a step parent adoption tbh.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 01/11/2023 11:12

From what you say it seems unlikely, but that doesn't mean your bond is any less strong or that you consider them not to be your parents.

I would ask them - you refer to your mum in the present tense so I assume she's alive. They can't seriously have expected you never to find this out?

I hope you get your answers and find peace.

Catza · 01/11/2023 11:15

I have an adoption certificate due to parents not being married at the time of my birth and my dad having to "adopt me" at the age of two as he wasn't in the original birth certificate. Also in the 80s

AblationQ · 01/11/2023 11:16

My mum was born to her ‘out of wedlock teenage mother’ and automatically given her mums last name.
Two years later when her bio parents married, my mum was issued a new BIRTH certificate to match up with her parents married surname.

So this is a similar story to what you have been told but my mum was issued a new birth certificate. She was born in Scotland though if that makes any difference?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 01/11/2023 11:17

You’ll have an actual birth certificate as well - probably with your mums surname if she is your biological mum.

Assuming they were both your biological parents - There were cases where two biological parents adopted their own child so it is possible. Normally it was unmarried parents who then married. In the 80s your parents could have registered you together (although just being on the birth cert wouldn’t have gave your father Pr) but it depends if they knew that. My cousin was adopted by his own parents in 1977 (they were told by the priest that’s what they had to do and didn’t question it) so it definitely happened that late on.

It is also possible that your Dad was a step dad.

Are your parents still alive?

Also does it matter to you? Some people would absolutely want to know. Some people wouldn’t - mum and dad are mum and dad end of. Either is right - there is no what should you do in this circumstance. Just what you want to do.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 01/11/2023 11:17

Also OP, noting your username, remember you are still the same person and your parents are who they are. If you are non biological, try not to get hung up on this stuff. People get so obsessed with the biology stuff they can allow relationships deteriorate unnecessarily. I appreciate easier said than done.

BoohooWoohoo · 01/11/2023 11:19

What a shock OP 💐

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