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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think my parents are still biological

448 replies

Dontknowwhoiamrightnow · 01/11/2023 10:51

Last week I urgently needed my birth certificate. I couldn't find it, so ordered a copy.
A few days later the post arrives and there is a letter to say that the information I provided for the birth certificate didn't match, but they checked some other files and the certificate is enclosed.
It's an ADOPTION certificate!!! I have an adoption certificate.
I had no idea I had even been adopted!!
Backstory-: I lived with my "mum and dad". I had my mum's maiden name at birth.
My parents told me that my name was changed to my dad's surname when they got married two years after birth.
I was told this was so that we could all have the same name.
This was In the 1980's.
My mum does look like me and my kids, so I think she is my biological mum.
AIBU to think that my parents are my biological parents and they became my adopters, just to change my name OR is it reasonable to think that my dad is not my real dad.
I know, I'm clutching at straws, it seems more than likely he's not my real dad.... How do I make sense of it all? Is there really any chance they are both my bio parents and the adoption was just to make me legitimate?
I'm in bits right now and don't know what to do xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

Dontknowwhoiamrightnow · 09/12/2023 12:02

It's only my Dad that I want a DNA test from.
I am meeting my parents for lunch, so I will ask them today.

OP posts:

Peacheroo · 09/12/2023 12:14

I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts to find this sort of thing out. It can take years to come to terms or even fully comprehend the lies.

Would it be wise to ask your siblings for a dna test first? Assume it will say full or half?

Original poster

Dontknowwhoiamrightnow · 09/12/2023 15:41

My Dad has said that we can do the test, which is good.
My parents also gently told me that my Mum had a short relationship with someone else just before getting into a relationship with my Dad, but insist that he is My Dad.
My Dad has admitted that when I was born he wasn't 100% sure I was his, as I was born so early, which is why he didn't put his name on the birth certificate!!!

I'm going to get some tests sorted asap!!!!

OP posts:

Olika · 09/12/2023 15:46

I am sorry to hear it has got more complicated. Definitely do a test so then you know for sure.

DeireadhFomhair · 09/12/2023 15:50

Oh @Dontknowwhoiamrightnow it's sounding like there's more to it than originally thought. Sorry you're going through all this, take care xxx

Daffodil18 · 10/12/2023 19:34

I did think it didn’t sound plausible the reason he wasn’t put on your birth certificate in the first place. It all makes sense now but he still may be your dad but seeing as there were doubts at the time, I think the best thing is to do the DNA test and then hopefully you can all put this to bed. Good luck x

Sugarfree23 · 10/12/2023 20:20

@Dontknowwhoiamrightnow
Legally and emotionally is still your Dad.

I think you should have proper councilling BEFORE you do DNA tests.

If it comes back as biologically he's your father, great, fantastic, put it all to bed and forget about it.

How are you going to feel if it comes back negative?
Will it change things with your Dad?
Will he feel differently towards you?
This is the man who's raised you and is legally your Dad.

It also opens up the question what about the biological Dad would you want to track him down?

Op I really don't think you should jump straight into DNA tests, a negative answer could be really destructive.

Tread carefully. Seek councilling and be 110% certain you could cope with a negative result before you go for tests.

Peacheroo · 10/12/2023 22:05

Get the tests but what will it change? I decided straight away that no test was necessary as he was my dad, he'd always been there and the other man was not. We kind of carried on as if the information never happened. It works for us, mostly, but won't work for everyone.

I'm glad you've found out and I hope you're handling it well. Please feel free vent any thoughts you would like to discuss on here. All feelings are valid. There are many people who've been through this who may help

Blueink · 10/12/2023 23:24

So sorry you are going through all this OP.

I would be feeling very frustrated with my parents now and wondering what I can believe as it seems they have told so many lies.

Agree with you seeking DNA testing at this point. Yes, they will still be your parents regardless of biology, but after how they have handled things I would be wanting independent answers too.

Sugarfree23 · 11/12/2023 00:00

It's one thing saying go for the tests. But really what good is it going to do for Op to find out biologically she isn't her Dads child, and she's the result of a short fling?

I agree Ops parents have handled it badly and should have been more honest in the past they were nieve to think that this was never going to come out.

However Op needs to fully explore her feelings, before getting tests because once that information is out its harder to ignore.

SoupDragon · 11/12/2023 08:06

Sugarfree23 · 11/12/2023 00:00

It's one thing saying go for the tests. But really what good is it going to do for Op to find out biologically she isn't her Dads child, and she's the result of a short fling?

I agree Ops parents have handled it badly and should have been more honest in the past they were nieve to think that this was never going to come out.

However Op needs to fully explore her feelings, before getting tests because once that information is out its harder to ignore.

But the information is already "out" insofar as she knows there is a discrepancy. Putting blinkers on isn't going to solve that, it is always going to be there.

Perhaps it is better to know for sure and to deal with the feelings that come with that rather than always having that niggle at the back of your mind.

SunshineYay · 11/12/2023 08:24

@Dontknowwhoiamrightnow so sorry to hear that your parents and siblings lied to you. If I found out my sibling wasn't my full sibling then I couldn't keep that secret from them. I did think that your parents' original story didn't make sense.

I think it's worth having a DNA test because you'll always wonder. I can't remember if you mentioned you have children or want some in the future but you'll be asked about your family medical history during your first midwife appointment. I've also been asked by doctors when I've developed symptoms of something potentially genetic eg autoimmune.

Original poster

Dontknowwhoiamrightnow · 16/07/2024 21:01

Hi
Just a quick update.
It turned out that my aunts, uncles, grandparents all knew that my mother had slept with someone else and that my Dad was probably not my Dad.
I have not, as yet done a proper DNA test. My "dad" has over the past few months been in and out of hospital due to life threatening heart problems.
I REALLY do want a DNA test, but don't want to cause stress to my "dad" and have him die of a heart attack.
I've tried doing an ancestry DNA, I have matches to some 2nd-3rd cousins, but can't seem to work out if they are part of my "dad's" family, as their trees are so small. There are a few shared surnames. It's all just so confusing.
None of my siblings, uncles etc. that I have grown up with will get involved, they won't share further information or do any DNA tests with me.
At the moment, I am spending huge amounts of time on ancestry researching trying to work it all out, but not getting anywhere.
It's not been talked about between myself and my family for a few months, although I have seen them, but I just pretend I'm fine, as if nothing has happened.
I'm really needing a DNA test, I really am not myself.
In fact I don't know who I am.
I still hold on to a glimmer of hope that he is my actual Dad.
I just don't want to stress my "dad" out and be responsible for him ending up back in hospital!

OP posts:

Mirabai · 16/07/2024 21:32

He is your actual dad though whoever your birth father may be. I’m sorry the rest of your family is being so unsupportive. Have you friends who can support you?

ThomasinaLivesHere · 16/07/2024 21:36

I agree with PP about still thinking of him as your dad. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice as it’s a horrible situation to be in. I can’t understand others in your family not wanting to help you. I guess they worry others will blame them for getting involved.

Mnk711 · 16/07/2024 21:49

Ì think you need to ask him before it's potentially too late. Just tell him you love him , and no matter what he will always be your real dad. But you need to know the truth. DNA matters for reasons like your and/or future children's health, aside from just wanting to know. Get the kit ordered and get it done, it hanging over both of you will be stressful in itself. Good luck, what a hard situation for you.

Notacrab · 16/07/2024 22:01

My mum is my bio mother. When she got married they both adopted me so that we all had the same surname. Mum had to adopt me as well, even though I was her child. This was in the mid 60's.

Sugarfree23 · 16/07/2024 23:49

Op remember you can buy anyone's birth cert. See if you can piece together the family tree.

If you have matches to 2nd or 3rd cousins - buy their birth certs or see if you can see copies of them.
If their is a male with a shared surname I'd start with him

Confusedmeanderings · 16/07/2024 23:54

Thanks for the update!

Libbyloo174 · 17/07/2024 00:47

if you haven’t already, join dna detectives on Facebook and ask for a search angel. They found my bio dad from 2nd cousin matches

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 17/07/2024 00:59

He isn't your 'Dad', he is your Dad, as he always was. DNA means very little IMO, I don't know why people are so obsessed with it. I was adopted as a newborn but I only have one Mum and one Dad. At least that's my take on it. I'm sorry to hear he hasn't been well. Good luck OP.

caringcarer · 17/07/2024 02:03

OP it must have come as one hell of a shock to you. If you can't ask your parents right now could you ask your sister to do a DNA test with you to see if you match? I believe your parents are the people who bring you up every day from when you are small. I have a foster son. I've brought him up and loved him everyday, even on difficult days, since he was 6. He's 18 now and he says DH, and I are his parents and my DC are his siblings because he grew up with them. He does have a biological Dad and 3 biological siblings he never sees.

Dotcomma · 17/07/2024 03:51

Asking a sibling to do a DNA test is probably the best course of action as your dad isn't well. You could ask for the same discretion afforded by your siblings all those years ago when they were asked not to tell you about the adoption certificate - it depends how obstructive they might be to do a test as to whether you use this leverage.

It's your gut feelings that you need to listen to not anyone else's. Everyone has their life stories to tell but this story is yours and yours alone.

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