Aibu to think my parents are still biological

[Dontknowwhoiamrightnow]

Last week I urgently needed my birth certificate. I couldn't find it, so ordered a copy.
A few days later the post arrives and there is a letter to say that the information I provided for the birth certificate didn't match, but they checked some other files and the certificate is enclosed.
It's an ADOPTION certificate!!! I have an adoption certificate.
I had no idea I had even been adopted!!
Backstory-: I lived with my "mum and dad". I had my mum's maiden name at birth.
My parents told me that my name was changed to my dad's surname when they got married two years after birth.
I was told this was so that we could all have the same name.
This was In the 1980's.
My mum does look like me and my kids, so I think she is my biological mum.
AIBU to think that my parents are my biological parents and they became my adopters, just to change my name OR is it reasonable to think that my dad is not my real dad.
I know, I'm clutching at straws, it seems more than likely he's not my real dad.... How do I make sense of it all? Is there really any chance they are both my bio parents and the adoption was just to make me legitimate?
I'm in bits right now and don't know what to do xxx

It's much earlier than 1983 but Mum had me before meeting my adoptive father. They went through a step parent adoption after marriage and a new (short) birth certificate was issued. I have a vague memory of Mum mentioning that she was very aggrieved that she had to adopt me as well. I had to get a copy of my original birth cert a few years ago and it does mention adoption, as does the short one.

I'm really sorry OP, I always known but can imagine what a shock this has been for you. Take care and I hope you get answers.

OP the logical and sensible situation is that your parents have been open and honest with you. It makes no sense that they would be transparent enough to reveal you were born “illegitimate” at a time when some people still frowned on that and yet concealed your paternity. Your parents even told you your DF adopted you but I guess just forgot or were confused about your mother being required to be a party to the adoption.
So rest easy. You could, when the time is appropriate tell your DM that you find it strange that she is named on the adoption certificate. No doubt she’ll tell you how ridiculous they found the whole process at the time.
The history of the legislation involved “enlightened” people who felt it was unfair to label kids as “illegitimate” when the parents had done “the right thing” and had subsequently married. It was, of course more difficult then to get the unmarried father’s name on the birth certificate.
I am just so pleased that in my lifetime things have changed so for most people there is no longer any stigma involved in births outside married. At one time one could never conceive of children openly attending their parents’ wedding ceremony!

Hi Op. I know exactly how you're feeling right now. I found out in exactly the same way. I applied for my birth certificate and they said it was sealed but I could have a copy of my adoption certificate instead??? I was devastated as I'm sure you are now. I'm so sorry you had to find out that way.

Once I received my adoption certificate, I was able to apply for my birth certificate which had my biological parents details on it. You could try and do the same?

Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to or any questions.

Big big big hugs for you. Take your time in digesting this information. It's a lot to process.

If your Dad was your biological father and born before they were married you would just have been registered as a child of the marriage.

I think it sounds like your Dad is not your biological father but adopted you when he married your Mum. I think in the past both parents had to adopt the child in these circumstances, not sure if they do now.

I'd be tempted to send off a sample to one of those DNA sites but also terrified about what I would find out. I agree now is not the time to ask though.

Take some time to let this sink in, you don't have to make any decisions yet.

Registration was a bit different back then too I believe there was a reform on the act in 1987. Is it possible he was away with work or something as if not there he wouldn't be on the certificate

Do you have any photos from your childhood, particularly as a baby? If so, are your parents in them? As other have also asked - are they alive (or are other family members around) to ask?

This must be such a huge shock and especially to find out unexpectedly this way. Sending support, I hope you can find some answers.

I think you should ask your mum. Obviously not your dad if he’s grieving but you could ask your mum?

@Dontknowwhoiamrightnow I have also heard of parents having to "adopt" their children after marriage but don't know when in time this was required. Is the adoption certificate dated after your parents married? My friend told me you still have to re-register your child/ren after marriage, she got married this year. She said it's because there is an old law that's still in place that basically says, if you don't then if she was to have further children they would automatically inherit more of her estate as they are legitimate. If you re-register your child after marriage than this no longer applies and all siblings would inherit equally, provided there is no will.

There will be an original birth certificate somewhere.

Highly likely with just the OP's Mum on it

Hi op, I was in similar situation as you although i wasnt adopted. I have same mym as my siblings but a different dad. Quite sad really because my biological father is an arse.. I do feel for you. I think maybe asking your mum.

Depends where this happened I think. My DP had to be adopted by his biological mum and adoptive father in order to change his name back in the 70s in Hong Kong. His mum is both his biological mum but also his adoptive mum now!! Seemed madness to me but he says that was normal thne and there.

I have only ever seen one picture of me as a baby and that was at the hospital when I was born.
No other photos of me until my 2nd birthday, which has both mum and dad in.
My mum has always said my baby photos were "lost".

My family member had a similar situation. It turned out that as the parents were unmarried the dad had to 'adopt' his own daughter so they all had the same name.

Your friend is mostly incorrect.

Technically you are meant to re-register to legitimise children if you marry. That is correct. You can be fined £2 for not doing so.

However, being illegitimate or not no longer impacts inheritance (except things like titles for example). As long as there is proof that the man is the father, which being on the birth certificate now will do, a child will inherit equally if their father dies intestate.

It also used to be the way the father got parental rights, being named on the birth cert when unmarried didn't do that. However, being named on the birth certificate now gives the father parental responsibility so it's not required for that anymore either.

As an adoptee you have the right to see your file, so go for this.

If your mum gave birth to you before she got married then she would be your only legal parent. After getting married your dad was in a position to adopt you BUT if only he adopted you he would be your only legal parent. THEREFORE he and your mum would have had to adopt you together.

This could be what happened. What is unusual is that you had a different surname. Maybe that is what your mum wanted or they had a relationship wobble. If they were young at the time chances out everyone freaked out. Or your dad wasn't able to be with your mum to register your birth - unmarried fathers can only register if accompanied by the mother.

Have the talk with your parents and possibly extended family. The important thing was that your were loved and your parents thought that a legal technicality was unimportant even if it is now a surprise.

Wishing you well

Sorry to hear about your Aunty.

The lost photos add another layer of something not adding up.

Is it possible you were removed from your mother at birth because she was young and unmarried… and then allowed to go back to her when she got married?

OP I think you need to ask your mother ASAP. Not your father rn, understandably, but your mother. This is major for you, and you mustn't unnecessarily put other peoples' feelings first to the extent that you leave yourself in turmoil until you feel it's acceptable to ask. The "lost" photos lend credence to the possibility you were adopted, but it's not a foregone conclusion.

Lots of love you to, whatever happens

In the 80s it was commonplace for ‘illegitimate’ children to require an adoption certificate. Almost all of my Muslim and Hindu friends had one - as families often delayed ‘official’ registrations of marriages until after the couple had children so they didn’t need to get divorced. But I think this is area dependant

I think you need to step back and think about what you want to do before you do anything tbh @Dontknowwhoiamrightnow

It's possible both of your parents are your biological parents. It's also possible your father is technically your step-father.

You need to take some time to decide if you want to know, how much you want to know and the impact knowing (whatever the answer is) will have on you going forward.

It's very easy for everyone else to say they'd barrel in and demand answers, but we're not the ones in the situation. You are.

You're absolutely entitled to demand answers from your parents if you want them, but only if you want them.

My cousin has a birth certificate with her mother's maiden name and an endorsement on it when she was adopted by her mother's husband a few years later. But the area for the birth was totally different from where they all lived. Not sure if it was a mistake or her mother 'went away' to have the baby.

Do you have access to any ancestry sites (like ancestry) you could do your own search and might find another match somewhere you don't expect. Fortunately my cousins mother had an unusual name so her birth was comparatively easy to find even in the 'wrong' place.

It could be that your mum is your biological mum and you was just adopted by your dad. This happened in my own family my mum was adopted by her dad only.

It may be the case that your mum is still your biological parent.

My biological father has never been involved or seen me. My dad has been there since my birth and my parents married when I was 4 and I have a statutory declaration of name change. They never went down the adoption route, as they didn’t feel it was necessary. So that may be why you have an adoption certificate, if they did do this.

I was told when I was 11. To not be told at all must be a shock, especially to find out this way and still not know the answers.

How strange. Where did you order your birth certificate from? The standard service is that if the GRO can’t find a certificate from the details you’ve given then that’s it, they don’t go hunting for it.

as PP have said, it’s entirely possible the timing of your parents marriage and your birth meant they had to go through a formal process resulting in your adoption certificate. Talk to your mum.

I’d be asking my parents- i personally wouldn’t worry about hurting your dad if I’d been lied to all my life

I have a bit of relevant experience but I always knew about my adoption.

If you are disinclined to talk to your parents right now (I’m sorry about your grandmother) it’s understandable. But there is nothing stopping you contacting Social Services in the county/city of your adoption and asking to see your file. You can then decide what to do when you are armed with the facts.

DNA testing via Ancestry is an option if you hit a wall, but I’d go down SS route first because your parents may well be your bio parents.