To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

[PurpleLampShades]

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

So sorry purple, that must have been so difficult for you to do but fwiw I think you've done the right thing

Hang on in there Purple, look at what CaroleSinger said. I couldn't agree more. Up until now you've given every time he has asked (I understand why) but something or someone needs to rock the boat and this could be the start of it. Wait it out and see what happens if she doesn't get her own way, it could be very interesting xx

don’t give in though fear. If you send the money because you’re worried she is abusive to him you continue to help the cycle of her abusing him. She knows he runs and asks and you give because your scared of how she treats him, then she has to keep treating him the same.

She has three options now he doesn’t have the money be a bitch and hope she can still make this your fault or she’s that much of a bitch the scales can start to fall from his eyes. The third very unlikely is play the such a mean mummy card but it’s ok I love you anyway. I highly doubt three.

There is no way he got to yours without her knowing, like others I’d probably bet that £300 that it was her idea likely as a test to get him to ask you, a test on him from her and on you and how far you will go/she can drain you.

You need to stand firm and strong. Driving lessons sure, starving? I’ll buy you shopping, new shoes? Send me the link I’ll order them/take you shopping for them. Never give cash. You’ve got to treat this like an addict wanting money for drugs.

Completely agree with @OhmygodDont

never give cash. Buy food, physically go & fuel a car, physically buy clothes etc. but don’t give cash, this could be the push she needs

Purple, I’ve been following from the beginning and am so sad for you that this is still going on.

I wasn’t sure what you should do about the money at first, but thought in the end you probably shouldn’t give it to him. I’m glad you didn’t, although I understand that must be really hard.

Wish I could say something to help bring him home. Just carry on letting him know you’re always there for him.

Stay strong Purple. I truly believe your son will still have those qualities you no doubt instilled in him, they've just been dulled by this women.

I hadn't seen your threads before but I've just read all your posts on all three. I'm so sorry you're going through this and it is such a difficult situation. As a 16 yr old who left home to live with an absolute arsehole in a dv relationship (but not alienating from family, not smart enough to bother) I'd say you've left the difficult conversations long enough. Go to college, ask for meeting and say he is welcome to come home whenever he wants. If he chooses to live at home he can spend weekends/ some weeknights with the gf and she is welcome to come for dinner 2-3 nights a week. I'd put a monetary thing on it too, I'll give you your x amount to spend going out and I'll buy your college lunches. If he stays with her you'll give him the CB in cash so you can make sure he's ok when you hand it over. Tell him it's not normal for anyone his age to be living with any partner, that he can come home whenever he likes and still see gf if he wants too. Tell him you will support him in anything and you will be there for him whatever, that he can contact you come home with no notice but also if he decides to stay at gf's he can bring her home, you'll visit them or go out for dinner whenever. Lay it out that it's fucked up and you can be his way out but also that if he doesn't want to leave YOU'RE the reasonable one so she can't spin any other narrative.

I think you've made the right decision. You can't win whatever you do. If you did lend it, its possible you'd have repeated requests for money, where would you draw the line?

I'm sorry things haven't improved in the way of contact, and I hope you are looking after yourself.

I’m working from home today and he has turned up here in the pouring rain this morning, with no coat on while he’s supposed to be at college asking if I would consider lending him £150 instead of £300. I’m sorry to say that I became very frustrated and we had a bit of an argument. I just can’t believe he is prioritising her bloody birthday over college and everything else. I mean, I can believe it but it’s just ridiculous isn’t it?

On reflection I feel terrible about it and think it was more about worry than anger. But I’m obviously more angry and frustrated than perhaps I thought I was. I feel helpless too and I suppose some of that has come out today. I honestly just wanted to shake him to get him to open his eyes to what this relationship with her really is. Reading some of your posts yesterday and this morning, and thinking about it all has made me realise that you’re right. I have been incredibly passive out of fear that I just won’t see him ever again, but that seems to be happening anyway. It probably wasn’t the best time for him to turn up to be honest.

I told him how ridiculous she is for giving him a hard time about not being able to take her away given he’s a 17 year old boy in college. I told him how hurtful his behaviour has been, ignoring my birthday, barely any contact and that I’ve spent over a year worrying about him, trying to help him, tiptoeing around him and I’m just devastated by this whole thing. I said I’ve tried everything I can think of to make the situation better. I invited them around last Christmas, I’ve been out to dinner with them, I’ve offered to meet and talk with both of them, I’ve met him at a bloody contact centre because he couldn’t come to his own house, I’ve given him space when he asked for that. I’m exhausted and defeated by it all.

And I’m sitting here still thinking about transferring £150 to him. Which makes it all the more ridiculous doesn’t it? I know he’s coming to me out of desperation because he’s worried about what to do and it is breaking my heart, but if I give into this I am showing that I’m a complete pushover aren’t I?

Argh I typed a big post and it's gone. 🤬

OP I posted before in camp "don't give her money" and I stand by it.

I've been in abusive relationships and if you do give it, it sets a pattern and a precedent and it will happen every birthday and Xmas.

She is abusing you via your child with this. She knows where he will go for money and that you will worry for him and want to protect him. The kindest thing to do in the long term is NOT give it.

As a mother I'm furious for you. It must hurt so badly that he ignored your birthday but has shown up at yours twice wanting to spoil her with YOUR finances. 🤬😔 He is trying to not to see or think about it too much so I think it was actually well timed to give him some unfiltered thoughts and feelings tbh.

Maybe call the person at college and check if he showed up after being at yours and loop them in, maybe someone could check in on him this week or next and give him some information/pamphlets/helping no's etc.

If he thinks he's pushed you to your limit it might freak him out, in a good way, where he realises that he wants a relationship with you.

I really really wouldn't give him the money now.

What was his response to what you said? Hopefully seeing you pushed to your limit will be a wake up call to him.

@PurpleLampShades i know this must be incredibly hard, but he’s made his own bed and now he has to lay in it. He is 17. In a relationship with an almost what, 30 year old? You have literally done everything you can to get him help, he’s not engaged with any of it. She has him so brainwashed. Do not transfer him the money, it will cause more issues long term. He needs to wake up.

Neither would I, he needs to start realising how ridiculous this situation is.
I know it’s incredibly hard for you OP but giving in to them won’t make things any worse really, will it?
She, without doubt, is behind the money demands, expecting an expensive birthday present etc.
Stand your ground.

He just kind of stood there and listened for most of it, didn’t say much. A few half hearted ‘you don’t understands’, ‘you don’t know her’, he came to me for help, he doesn’t know what to do and then that he was sorry he came and he would go. And he did. Just walked back out into the rain before I could offer him a lift.

Please do not transfer the money Purple, to do so would be madness.

Isn't it amazing that he can visit you twice in one week when he wants something.

As others have already said, it's time for him to take responsibility for the choices he has made. FWIW, I feel a change may be coming, just sit tight xx

And so you should be bloody angry, you've seen him more times this week than in the last half year simply because he wants something from you.

DO NOT GIVE IN.

^^Precisely.
Hopefully before long she’ll realise she’s getting nothing from you/him and he’ll realise he needs to leave.
Stand firm, don’t give an inch.

How awful for you Purple 😭

You are right in not giving him the money. Remember he's in this position because of her, not you ❤️

I really feel for him though, he's far too young to understand the abuse and control that's happening to him.

I was in a similar situation to him when I was 16 and my 'boyfriend' was 30. lied to my parents about his age and didn't move in with him but abuse and control was still there. Bastard died before I could get my revenge.

I hope your lovely boy gets the help, support and strength he needs to leave this woman. Once he does he'll need therapy to allow him to process what has happened to him and give him the skills to deal with it going forward.

Please stand firm.
At some point his eyes will open to this and helping him will only prolong that event I think. He’ll get there and that’s when you can support him and help him through.

So sorry purple how incredible tough that must have been.

I was in the camp of giving him half before but on reflection and reading some the other posts pointing out the dynamic of abusive relationships I'm not so sure now that it would be a good idea. My heart would find it very hard to refuse though.

If you stand firm this may be his rock bottom with her? It sounds like he's in far too deep to see the nature of her abusiveness at the moment but if she reacts as badly as we expect to this then maybe just maybe it may be one step closer to the relationship ending.

I'm glad you spoke honestly to him, I know you will feel dreadful now but those things needed to be said

Commend you for being strong op.

As above I commented that the shit will probably hit the fan with her or words to that effect.

Yet it may alter this situation and he gets out of this situation.

He probably won't given he's being manipulated and groomed, but it's a step in a different direction.

Tho don't think I don't understand how scared you are for him and why you want to pacify her.

I think what you said is brilliant but you must be feeling like shit.

Let's hope this unravels. You have done everything you can.
It won't last.

Thisssss!

You've done the right thing imo, @PurpleLampShades . Giving or lending him the money would have been enabling her abuse of your son. It must have been really hard for you to stand firm, so pat yourself on the back for that.

As long as he knows that he can come back home if/when he feels ready, there is hope that he will come to his senses and see how very unhealthy this relationship is.

My heart goes out to you, it really does.

Soooo he can't wish you a happy birthday, send you a text or give you a quick call just to check that you're OK? Yet he CAN turn up on your doorstep, ask you for money, twice in one week at that! Whilst standing there like a drowned rat mumbling about needing money for his GF's birthday? He"s having a laugh. As other posters have said stand firm and let him sort it out for himself.