To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

[PurpleLampShades]

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

Also, if you give it, and then he asks again for some more, and you refuse, then you’d be the controlling one, and possibly end up in a blackmail situation whereby you’re allowed to see him as long as you pay.
personally I don’t know how you’ve not sent her to the bottom of a very deep river.

I agree with this.
I know you're worried about pushing him away but he's already gone so time for some hard truths I think. Let him know you'll always be there for him whenever he decides to leave her.
I wouldn't give him any money either.

I don't want to upset you, but do you think drugs could be involved at all?
I considered it in my sons situation and thankfully it wasn't but I've seen similar situations like this and it ended up coming out later on.

Perfect response

I agree @Whitegrenache , @Hickry response is perfect. Once she starts realising you’ll hand over £££ goodness knows what she will come up with to use you as a cash cow.
As tough as it is your DS has to start facing upto the situation he’s chosen to be in, and that does not include you financing it beyond that which you are doing now.

I think Hickry is right too. Can you gently say that expecting a teenager at college to spend so much on your birthday is not a loving thing. He deserves to be loved for himself, not what he can buy as a present. The reminder that he would always be welcomed back home and that you will always love him is a good move too.

Someone upthread mentioned the ManKind Initiative, could you signpost him there? I know he has heard some of the pointers about abusive relationships before, but maybe keep dripping it in
https://mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/types-of-domestic-abuse/

You're damned if you do, Purple and you're damned if you don't. I'm so sorry you're in this position after everything you've been through with your son.

In your shoes, I don't think I would give him the money. I would take the approach of "if you wanted £300 for driving lessons, a car, or towards a deposit for a flat on your own, i'd happily support that, but I can't justify giving you that amount of money for something that's a want and not a need. I'm incredibly sorry if that means X will be mad at you but she shouldn't expect such a frivolous gift when she knows you're a student."

You may need to start getting a bit tougher now, op. I've followed your story from the very start and you come across as a very lovely, gentle and kind soul but I don't think this passive approach is working. I know you don't want to alienate him further, I totally understand that, but the boy needs some home truths. Get angry, cry, tell him what this does to you...if he wants to be an adult, then he needs to have adult conversations.

I hope whatever you decide to do goes well and just know all of us here are in your corner rooting for you. x

I've read some of your posts @PurpleLampShades but not every single one, so apologies if this has been spoken about before... (and I know this might seem crazy)

But have you considered coming at this from a different angle? Rather than trying to convince your son to leave her and that she's using him/abusive/all the rest of it - could you set up some sort of catfish type scenario whereby you lure her into a having a relationship with some other "teenage boy" so that she voluntarily lets your son go? You'd have to be very VERY careful she didn't find you out - but it may be worth thinking about

I'd go to any lengths to protect my children and I hope and pray for a good outcome for you from this awful situation

Please don't give him the money, if you do you are in a way being controlled by her too. Stop treading carefully around your son, if he wants to be in a grown up relationship he shouldn't be running to you for money to buy a ridiculously expensive birthday present. He's a 17 year old boy, where does his GF think the money is coming from to demand such a thing? You know the relationship is all sorts of wrong and I know you want to protect your son but maybe him not giving her what she wants is the right course of action. Maybe she'll get fed up of him having no money. She's trying to 'normalise' her relationship with him. Girls her age have boyfriends their age who have money and cars and can go on 300 pounds weekends away. 17 year olds do not. Do not be fooled into trying to 'normalise' this unhealthy relationship, be no part of it succeeding.

@PurpleLampShades I'm sorry to read everything you've been through.

Quite telling though isn't it that he can manage to contact you for money or something that suits him, but not for a 2 minute phonecall to say hi, or to wish you a happy birthday.

At this point, he needs a few home truths. I'd be asking him directly if he still wants to have a relationship with you? Because if he does, then what is he going to do to facilitate that? Tell him how upsetting this whole situation has been for you in one or two sentences that he can easily remember when he reflects on the conversation later.

If he doesn't want a relationship anymore, then no, you're not lending him any money because that's him using you.

I know you're afraid of pushing him further away, but at this point, he's already gone.

I know you want to think that his behaviour is all on the girlfriend but actually, there's many ways he could have contacted you if he wanted to.

Please don't give him the money.
A normal 17 year old boy in a relationship wouldn't expect his mother to pay £300 towards his girlfriends birthday present. You might not expect to spend that much on his birthday!!

If she wants to be in a relationship with someone who can afford weekends away then she should date a man not a teenager.

There are some very good points on here.

This
"In your shoes, I don't think I would give him the money. I would take the approach of "if you wanted £300 for driving lessons, a car, or towards a deposit for a flat on your own, i'd happily support that, but I can't justify giving you that amount of money for something that's a want and not a need. I'm incredibly sorry if that means X will be mad at you but she shouldn't expect such a frivolous gift when she knows you're a student."

And this
A normal 17 year old boy in a relationship wouldn't expect his mother to pay £300 towards his girlfriends birthday present. You might not expect to spend that much on his birthday!!

Does the way your son is being manipulated constitute financial abuse? I understand financial abuse towards old people - I'm not clear ifwhat is happening to your son is financial abuse

I didn’t think about the fact that perhaps she is driving this asking for money. It’s possible I suppose, though it really did seem like he had snuck over here without her knowing. But yes, how could she not know? She either knows because she’s told him to ask or she knows because he risked coming to ask without telling her first but knowing she would find out anyway. Neither is very good is it.

It’s not just £300 he wants to spend on her. The £300 is additional to what he has already saved which, depending on how long he’s been saving and how much he’s put away each month could be a lot. I don’t know how he manages his money at the moment, whether he gives it all to her or gives her some and keeps some. I have no idea.

Anyway, I have told him today I can’t give him the money because that money is supposed to be for his future not buying expensive gifts for partners, and she shouldn’t be expecting him to fork out money he doesn’t have. I think you’re probably right that I need to try being a bit tougher even though it scares me to death that it will push him further away from home/me and further towards her. But those of you saying I can’t win either way and neither can he are so right. Whatever I do and whatever he does will be wrong.

I don’t think there are drugs involved but I also thought he’d never end up in a situation like he’s in so I may be fooling myself. I don’t know anymore. He’s always been such a considerate, kind person and I really don’t want to think those qualities in him have somehow disappeared but I can see how the way he’s acting is coming across. It’s a hard truth to swallow.

OP, I'm glad you refused. Be prepared for any blowback to be full of acrimony. You'll be blamed for not being supportive etc. There will come a time when she realises he cannot be the boyfriend she wants. Until that time comes be ready for your DS to blame you for everything that's going wrong in their relationship. You need to take a step back, it will be difficult as you care for him, but you need to watch the drama unfold as a bystander.
When it ends and it will, you've not got be be involved. You've got to play the long game. Good Luck

Also following this from the start, who would have thought it would still be going on? I would be so interested to know her family's take on all this.

No easy answer, but your refusal probably the best. Lord knows what she'll be wanting for Christmas, he'd only have been back for more. Obviously the money isn't the main issue here, but it's just continual manipulation.

I also think it would do no harm pointing out that he wasn't interested enough in birthdays to even call you on yours.

for what its worth op, i think you have done the right thing. I think that doing anything to put him in her good books will prolong the relationship even further.

I’m glad you didn’t give him the money. I agree that you should toughen up now because he’s already gone so as others have said - what is there to lose?

I would remind him you are still there for him but also I would tell him how awful this whole situation has been for you. I mean how many of his friends went off to live with a 27 yr old? He must know this is not usual.

I would tell him as his Mum you love and miss him (as any caring Mum would) and it’s hurtful that he only turned up when he wanted money. I would ask him how he would feel in that situation?

Reasure him you will always be there for him but don’t facilitate this nonsense.

I truly feel for you but you’ve done all you can. It’s up to him now. If he wants to be an adult then he needs to deal with adult problems.

I'm also relieved to hear that you refused.

Turning up after months of ignoring you, asking for money and declaring he "wanted to see you properly and would phone in a few weeks" is incredibly manipulative.

As hard as it is, you need to step back and leave him to deal with the consequences of the choices he has made.

You haven't lost him forever, you just need to play the long game xx

Right decision not to give him the money.

Out of interest, how did he react?

For what it's worth, I don't think anything you do will push him further toward her because imbalanced relationships like this don't tend to last anyway. He just needs to know that when it does fail (and you can be pretty certain it will) that home is somewhere safe he will always be welcome to return to.

That must have been a horrid decision to have come to.

I hope you're OK.

Think you’ve absolutely done the right thing, I know it’s hard. How did he react?

He didn’t really say much, just ‘ok, thanks for thinking about it.’ And then that he ‘had to go and figure out what he was going to do’. I feel awful. Absolutely awful. Part of me wants to just transfer the money but I know I need to stay firm about it. I am trying to delude myself into thinking that she will be nice and understanding and love whatever he gets her but it’s just a fantasy. She will be bloody horrible to him about it.

And I think for that reason alone I'd transfer the money. We know she's not a nice person and is used to getting her way, he's obv scared enough to come and ask you 😢😭😭😭

But this could be the silver lining. This is the sort of thing that could cause her to evaluate her situation. She may not want someone who is perpetually skint and can't give her a fancy lifestyle for much longer.

Stay strong Purple. Yes, this is a heartbreaking situation for you but you need to step back and leave him to work this out himself.