To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

[PurpleLampShades]

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

Aside from the rest of it, why wasn't he wearing a coat in November in the rain?! Dozy or some other reason?

Really sorry to hear this. As others have said twice in one week after nearly a year of nothing.
Yes it's time for some tough love and I hope it brings him to his senses. Well done to you for seeing it through.

Also, why did he say he would call you in "a few weeks"?
Why not just say "call you at the weekend, mum" or "call you soon, mum"?
There is know way he can't get a spare 10 minutes out of a 24 hour day to give you a quick call without HER being there.
I mean, he did manage to get away from her to go to your house to ask you for money for her birthday without her apparently knowing.

Subsidising him seems unlikely to help, eg your ‘passing on’ the child benefit. It’s just enabling the toxic situation.

Personally I think you're doing the right thing, you can't pander to him asking you for money for her, especially when he can't even manage a happy birthday - would she even be happy if she knew he was asking you for the money to take her away considering the past?

Obviously this relationship isn't okay but he come home if he wanted to, you would be waiting with open arms with a warm house for him to escape to. He's had every opportunity to help himself which he's chosen to ignore. Don't get me wrong, I understand he's being controlled and this is the outcome, but you can't help someone who isn't willing to even take one step towards helping themselves.

All you can do is wait and be there for when the cotton wool finally drops, you've done everything else you can.

I'd also stop claiming the child benefit to pass on, tell them she can claim it for the child she's caring for

I'm so sorry OP,
I've been following for a while and I hate that this is still happening.
I think I agree with the PP that being passive hasn't got you anywhere so maybe you needed to get it all off your chest.
If he wants to be this big grown up man in a relationship then he needs to hear how his behaviours are effecting others.
Sending so much love x

Couldn't agree more, I was also going to suggest you stop claiming/passing on the child benefit.

Stand firm, it's time to get tough, no more excuses for his behaviour.

Yes, I would absolutely do this.

I know this is an awful situation for you but you really do need to start playing hardball with both of them. Keep posting, you have a lot of support on here xx

Remembering back to when I was 17 I think I and a lot of my friends put up with a lot in relationships that we wouldn't now we're older. You think you've found true love and won't ever feel the same way about anyone else. You gloss over any glaring incompatibilities and do everything you can to stay together with the person. I guess probably it was a sign that I wasn't really ready for a serious relationship when it was me, my brain kept me in the honeymoon period mentality and they could do no wrong (it wasn't an abusive relationship, we just weren't as compatible as we wanted to be. It was just luck of the draw really that they were a decent person with no agenda and we were both just immature and optimistic).

Now I look back and see it for what it was, but he's not there yet and maybe won't be fully until he's out of the "relationship" I don't think.

I think home truths are what he needs to see it for what it is. It's not normal to be controlled like this and all his protests of you not understanding etc reminded me of how I used to gloss over issues. The cracks in their relationship will get wider and she'll push him far enough that he'll be forced to see it I think.

Have been following your threads and really feel for you @PurpleLampShades. The response you have had from the authorities has been ridiculous and I do wonder if they would have been so laissez-faire if the sexes had been reversed?

Re your latest visit, I don't think he just turned up in the rain with no coat; I would put good money on her having driven him. Totally in the 'don't give him the money' camp.

I'm not sure if anyone else agrees with me, but I think she probably would have grown bored of him by now but refuses to let you 'win' by letting you have your son back. I do wonder if she thought you had given up, she would lose interest in him? We have some family experience of someone like this who rather than being seen to 'lose', has completely shredded their child's mental health in order to get back at her exH. Some people just really are that twisted. 😢

Bettytaghetti makes a VERY good point about the GF driving him round to yours yesterday rather than him just turning up in the rain without a coat. That hadn't crossed my mind but it makes a lot of sense.

Stop tiptoeing around the both of them, cease all financial support ( definitely the CB) and refuse to be involved in their drama.

@PurpleLampShades you must be feeling so worried now about whether your son is okay and coping!
How are you meant to deal with all this - and you're getting such conflicting advice.

Your son is 17! I don't care what anyone says - 17 is still young. He is NOT an adult yet, no matter what he, or anyone else, says.
Yes, he thinks he's an adult, he thinks he knows what he's doing - he's not going to take any notice of you because he totally knows what he's doing is right. At 17 would you have listened to your parents??

But, the fact is, he is still young and he is being manipulated by someone older.
You can't 'mend' this all at once - this is something that's going to take longer than you'd like to resolve.

He may, or may not, have turned up at your house without her knowledge - but, as a parent I wouldn't like to gamble on it.
Maybe something like ' I haven't got the money - but WHY do you need it so desperately?' would help make him explain ? He may be able to open up a little bit - or not! But at least you've asked the question openly and maybe planted a seed

I just wish I had all the answers for you xx

oh @PurpleLampShades I have just read your recent updates - been on your threads since the beginning but NC.

I think you telling him a few home truths was well overdue and needed. And funding him any further is definitely not on. I would even go as far as to say the only money to go to him is child benefit, nothing from his deceased father.

Things will come to a head eventually and the only place for him to go is home to you. He will need some serious trauma counselling after this 'relationship' Im sure of that. Maybe save the money for that instead of a bloody birthday present.

It is galling that he has been to you twice in one week - you are the cash cow. It does all feel quite manipulative and considering how he has ignored your attempts at a relationship until he wants money for her.

I think you have done the right thing, please stay strong and dont give in to this behaviour. I do understand your fear though.

He has not long phoned using reverse charges from a pay phone. His phone was dead and he couldn’t find his charger he said. I asked if everything was ok because he sounded really sad, and he said he just phoned to talk to me and see how I was. I was a bit surprised given this is not something he has done for such a long time and was kind of expecting another money request to be honest, but honestly, after what he’s told me I am so angry and upset for him. She is truly vile and is treating him so badly. I cannot understand why he’s still there and how he can’t see how awful she is. And I can say it to him until I’m blue in the face but there’s always an excuse or a reason or something to minimise it.

I managed to get out of him that it’s today that is her birthday and she has gone for a spa day with a friend, which he is paying for. He told me which spa and I know that a day for two there with treatments will be over £400, so he has spent at least two months worth of his money on her. She has left him with instructions to clean the house. He sounded really upset. I offered to go round and help him but he said no because she likes things done a certain way. He’s planning on making the house perfect and then making her a nice meal, as if paying for the spa isn’t enough. I asked him why he didn’t go with her to the spa and he said she thought it would be better to go with a friend. I tried to say something positive about what a lovely gift it is and how the friend must be very grateful for a nice day out and he said it wasn’t really what gf wanted and he’s never met the friend. So he’s paid hundreds of pounds for ungrateful gf and a stranger to go off and pamper themselves while he stays at the house cleaning to her no doubt impossible standards.

He then went on to tell me that although it seemed like he ignored my birthday, he didn’t. He got me a card but it’s in his locker at college and he couldn’t give it to me because it got ripped. I asked how it got ripped and he just said he didn’t know. He did apologise for it. I wanted to ask why he didn’t just send a text message or get another card then but he sounded like he was on the verge of crying so I didn’t. I just said it was ok and left it at that. I don’t know if what he’s saying is true about the card or if it’s just an excuse. It isn’t like him to not acknowledge my birthday but then, it isn’t like him to be so silly with his money either. He’s obviously been ruminating over what I said the other day. I just want to go round there and give him a hug and check he is ok but I’m also conscious that he said no when I offered. Hence why I’m now posting on here for a distraction and hoping someone will tell me I’m doing the right thing. Not that there is a right thing here really is there.

I’m going to have to think about the money situation. The monthly allowance doesn’t really have much to do with me. It’s from his dad’s estate and I don’t really control it. I could stop the CB but the reason I started giving it to him was to try and avoid him becoming too financially dependent on her. But I don’t think that plan has really worked has it?

Anyway, I’m sorry my posts are always so long. It does help to write things out but I probably ramble too much.

Can you drive past and say you were passing and thought you'd drop in some lunch seeing as he's on his own today?

You don't need to go inside or hang about, just a thoughtful gesture will likely mean a lot to him.

@PurpleLampShades honestly?

id go over & get him
pack his bags
bring him home

She’s an ungrateful cunt.

He rang you
He has opened up to you - a little
He talked about your birthday

Given he is in a controlling relationship, those are all massive wins.

My heart breaks for you - but it is a start.

You could drop off some nice lunch for him, as someone has suggested.

I think the wool is starting to fall from his eyes. Thankfully!

'Wasn't what she really wanted' fuck me what an ungrateful, vile witch.

Flabbergasted, she has a friend to take with her to a spa to be frank. I wonder if they know her child bf paid for it? She is horrendously shameless.

I agree that the fact he has called you (and found a way to do so!) this is a huge step . I would see that as a positive.

If you speak to him again, I would make it clear that he understands that he can move back home at any point.

It's a massive step purple that he's called you.

I would go to him now while I know she's not there

Oh purple, it's amazing that he called you. The first time is always the hardest and he's taken his first step home.

I'm so pleased he's phoned you slowly he's realising .....