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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

615 replies

PurpleLampShades · 01/11/2023 09:09

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

OP posts:
Christmaschildcare · 16/10/2024 17:34

@PurpleLampShades another one sending you love and solidarity x

SpinningOutWaitingForYa · 26/10/2024 22:36

💜

JWhipple · 26/10/2024 22:46

PurpleLampShades · 02/07/2024 21:18

Oh thank you everyone. I didn’t realise quite how much I needed someone to say how I did things was ok. Bit emotional again now. But feeling better about it. It is a positive that he came here, absolutely. I don’t really know what he’s doing with his time as I’ve not really managed to get to speak to him about that. I really hope you are right that this might be the beginning of the end for their relationship, if you can call it that. Thanks again.

I know you've done so much already but I really think Claire's Law is a good idea

Really hoping things are getting better.

Justalittlebitfurther · 03/11/2024 12:46

Thinking of you @PurpleLampShades and hoping you are both ok

IHateLegDay · 11/11/2024 00:35

Hi Purple,
I think about you and your son often and wonder how you're both doing.
I really hope that he's left her and is back with you. If not, I hope he will be soon.
Sending love always x

JohnSt1 · 11/11/2024 06:26

Nothing useful to add OP, but that I am in awe of you. ❤️

It must be unbearable, but you're still fighting for your little boy.

longleggitybeastie · 14/11/2024 23:53

Always hoping for a positive update @PurpleLampShades.

Thinking of you and your boy 💜

Apolloneuro · 17/11/2024 23:36

I hope things have improved as well@PurpleLampShades

EnglishBluebell · 20/11/2024 21:16

I've never been more touched by a thread than this one. My heart hurts when I think of what OP must be going through.
If you're reading this @Purple, even if it's not until 10 years in the future, please please just let us know you're ok, even if that's all you can bring yourself to say.... “I’m ok” is all we need 🤍
I realise you never implied you were in any way at risk yourself, but you know...

Sakurai · 20/11/2024 22:13

New to this sad story but really wanted to send my love, support and best wishes.

My Council employer has a safeguarding line for children and for adults - could your local Council be an avenue to explore? (Apologies if you have already done this.)

EnglishBluebell · 20/11/2024 22:27

Sakurai · 20/11/2024 22:13

New to this sad story but really wanted to send my love, support and best wishes.

My Council employer has a safeguarding line for children and for adults - could your local Council be an avenue to explore? (Apologies if you have already done this.)

Really? I didn't know that. I have concerns for my DD's paternal grandmother's wellbeing, so I'll explore this, thank you! 🙏

Sakurai · 20/11/2024 22:31

EnglishBluebell · 20/11/2024 22:27

Really? I didn't know that. I have concerns for my DD's paternal grandmother's wellbeing, so I'll explore this, thank you! 🙏

Edited

If she is considered vulnerable because of her age, I think they should definitely have support available. Good luck 👍

Thedogscollar · 22/11/2024 06:53

@PurpleLampShades Thinking of you and hoping you are doing OK.

Imisscoffee2021 · 22/11/2024 07:27

@PurpleLampShades often think of you, especially nearing christmas season. Hope things are getting better for you and your son.

Banrion · 30/11/2024 20:32

Thinking of you xx and hoping things have improved x

PandaChopChop · 02/12/2024 11:08

Been thinking of you and your son @PurpleLampShades xx

SassK · 09/12/2024 06:48

I have this thread saved, because I'm sure @PurpleLampShadess' son will return home at some point. I think it's 2 years since her first thread, and 2 years is often a make or break point in relationships. Hopefully her next update is to tell us he's home, and she's been occupied supporting him back to a good place 🤞💫

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 09/12/2024 06:48

as always, thinking of you and your son and hoping that things have improved. I hope you are doing well too.

Dancingonaslice · 09/12/2024 09:52

I still think of you and your boy often too purple. I have sons and my heart goes out to you. I so badly hope you have had at least some contact with him. Xmas must be extra painful. Pls know everyone in this thread cares and wishes you some peace in this horrible situation.

TheKoalaWhoCould · 15/12/2024 19:00

Just thinking of you at this often tricky time of year @PurpleLampShades - I hope
you and your DS are ok.

Ithinkimrincewind · 17/12/2024 05:51

Thinking of you and your boy. Hoping you have a happier Christmas

Sara249 · 18/12/2024 22:13

Like others I often pop by here to see if any news, I think of you and your son often. Sending you peace this christmas x

LizzieRose16 · 22/12/2024 14:39

Another one who often thinks of you, Purple xx

Dwrcegin · 23/12/2024 14:40

Just posting to say I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best OP.

Sauvblanctime · 23/12/2024 19:49

Hope he’s home with you this year ❤️ x