To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

[PurpleLampShades]

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

I think this is actually quite positive from his side, they had an argument, he chose to come to you, his safe place. You didn’t tell him he had to leave her, you just held him and loved him. I think this is the start of it all ending, and I would start looking into trauma therapy for him because after being in an abusive relationship before, he will need it xx

He still sees home as a safe place. It means that even if it doesn't feel like it, you haven't lost him. Hold on to that.

This is a great perspective. You've not lost him Purple, your bond is strong because of your love, strength, and dedication. You may not be able to severe the hold she has over him, only he can do that, but the cracks are widening.

I hope you've managed to report everything? With the paramedic concerns and you seeing more bruises, I'm hoping it's all building a good body of evidence. The police can take action to prosecute, even if DS doesn't.

Really hope you're doing okay.

Onwards and upwards, Purple! You have lots of mumsnetters rooting for you! Hope and prayers that you will get him back.

This

My heart breaks for you and him. Hopefully very soon he will be hone fit good

Totally agree. Purple you are an amazing mum

I truly believe this too. It may not seem much but infact it's quite significant that he came home to you, and he will again, hopefully for good.

Feel for you OP, must be an horrendous position to be in. I really hope your DS sees the light soon and returns to you. I really hoped for your benefit that you might have had better news by now. You must be at your wits end!

Please keep updating us OP. Stay strong

Well done Purple- I am another one who thinks your instincts were right.

Despite all her efforts to isolate him, you have kept the door between you open.

No matter what she tries from here or what lies she tells about you, he knows that you are still there for him and will offer comfort without judgement.

He has a safe place and a safe person.
This is so good for him.

Very very tough for you though 💐

Hi Purple, I cannot imagine how you sleep but I'm so glad you and he were able to do this together which is huge. He has not dared return to his home throughout all of this from what I remember so he is making some changes to the pattern.

He now knows he can come home and sleep safely in his own bed. What a relief from the environment he has with her. In the hope of a repeat, can you put some resources in his room that you have come across and might be helpful? Anything you have seen related to DV or helplines, stories of others who have been in a similar situation and found hope and help. Or just a letter from you naming your fears, your love and your hopes. It's anything that can interrupt the story she gives which will be isolating, hopeless and disempowering. Maybe a spare SIM card or alternative phone. It's like a first aid resource for people in oppressive relationships. Keep doing what you are doing because it seems to be the main thing working. We have to change our laws.

Hope you're ok this week purple xx

oh @PurpleLampShades Im just catching up on your latest update. I think you handled this situation really well. You have had great advice again and your son knows you are a safe place to come.

Is there anyway you can contact SS etc to update what has happened, if you havent done so?

He is clearly in a cycle of abuse, poor boy, poor you. Im hopeful he leaves soon.

Hi @PurpleLampShades just thinking of you and your ds. Just want you to know you have a whole army of mums behind you. I hope you are living life as well as you can. I think of you often and look at your thread daily for updates. Your time will come. X

Still here purple xxx

Hope you and your son are ok, @PurpleLampShades

I'm sure Purple could do without people tagging her in a transparent attempt to get the drama. I hope she's turned email notifications off.

That’s a callous assumption. I’ve been here from the beginning and noticed in my watched threads that it’s been a few days since anyone had checked in on this thread to say they were thinking about her. She’s a mother in a very lonely situation which I think a lot of us have empathy for, also for anyone experiencing coercive control. I’m sad that I have to say that I would prefer the least dramatic outcome in this situation - as I’d like to think we all would.

Anyway, this isn’t helpful to Purple. I agree that I hope she has her notifications set up to her preferences - on if she finds the check-ins of comfort and off if she’d prefer not. Best wishes as always, Purple.

Disgusting that you think people are checking in just for the 'drama'!
Many of us have been here from the start and just want purple to know that even after all this time, even if she's not active on the thread, we still care, we support her and are here if she wants an ear, reassurance, advice etc.

The fact that you assume the worst says more about you than anyone else.

What a horrible thing to say. Most of us have been around since the first thread and feel enormous empathy and compassion for purple and want her to feel supported in what has been a terribly lonely distressing time for her.

i wouldn’t care if she gives no details in any updates but if she ever wants to look at the thread and see people still care from afar then I’ll keep checking in.

this has been an almost exclusively kind and supportive set of long running threads so pls don’t make it anything else.

think of you and your boy so often purple.

Thankyou to pp that's exactly why I check in to let her know she is still in our thoughts. It is most definitely not for any drama. It would be lovely to see an update that she has been reconciled with her son.

Many of us have been here since thread 1 Can you say the same@hoarahloux

Hi PurpleLampShades How are you getting on? 💜

Thinking of you Purple. Hope you and your son are ok. Xxx

Message to the OP. I sincerely hope things have improved and that your son is now home. This is my first comment on this thread and I've read all of it but we are all rooting for you and your boy. One thing I would say, Daughter had a mentally abusive boyfriend who lived here with us. My strategy was to keep them close so I could absolutely monitor. Luckily on New Years Day this year she threw him out, we had 3 visits from the Police to help us. She now has a lovely boyfriend (she's 22), and we adore him. They are old school chums. Ex boyfriend stayed locally for a few weeks and then moved up North. Within the last month he moved back down here, we are lucky in that we know a lot of folk and thereby have eyes everywhere.
The day the Ex moved back.
Two security cameras that swivel and follow, with audio and constant recording, plus lights arrived, ordered by me, and put up by me at the front and back of the house. All angles covered, I pay a monthly sub but it's been one of my best buys considering we have had a spate of antisocial behaviour in our village and indeed our local coppers have got some of my footage.
I would strongly advise the OP to get some cameras on aspects of her house, to protect herself and ready for whenever her boy comes back. I did see mention many posts back about pets. It may be prudent for the OP to consider getting a dog, now in my eyes a good dog is not necessarily a "nice" dog. A good dog looks after his Mistress, her house and all within it and warns of folk about. The two things I've mentioned may be worth thinking about considering the behaviour of this woman.

Thinking of you op x