Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

615 replies

PurpleLampShades · 01/11/2023 09:09

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

OP posts:
Raspberrymoon49 · 28/08/2024 00:55

Another one who thinks of you often and hopes the situation has improved

SpinningOutWaitingForYa · 06/09/2024 19:05

Another one who thinks of you and often pops back in the hope you've been able to update with positive news Flowers

LizzieRose16 · 07/09/2024 07:48

Another one who often thinks of you Purple x

Battyasfeck · 07/09/2024 10:52

And here. So many of us thinking of you and rooting for you. ❤️❤️❤️

EnglishBluebell · 07/09/2024 19:57

Please let us know you're ok, @PurpleLamp

CloverHilla · 08/09/2024 10:21

Also just letting you know we're all still here and thinking of you @PurpleLampShades 💜💜💐
No need to respond!

Sauvblanctime · 08/09/2024 20:43

Thinking of you OP ❤️

TheNinny · 08/09/2024 21:03

Was thinking of you today for some reason, hoping things had got better. You know he still loves you and you are his safe place 💕

Turniptracker · 15/09/2024 20:56

I think about you all the time OP. I'm so worried for your son, I'm both eager for your updates but also dread them in case something awful has happened. You've handled this whole situation amazingly. I so hope your son comes back to you soon. I hope you are also able to find some small happinesses in your life while this is happening

IHateLegDay · 24/09/2024 13:56

Hope the new season brings new joys for you and your family. Think of you often xx

SuffolkUnicorn · 24/09/2024 17:06

Hope you’re ok purple x

SeptemberSunglasses · 24/09/2024 17:32

Me too purple. I've posted a few times on your threads under different names and I hope you're doing OK.x

Dancingonaslice · 24/09/2024 22:31

I’m not on MN much anymore but come back occasionally just to check in Purple. I often think of you and your DS and hope desperately he’s away from her and healing back with you. Sending love and wishes for some good news for you both.

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 25/09/2024 07:02

Like others on this thread, ive been here since the first thread. I think of you often and hope your son is ok and back with you now.

HateMyselfToo · 25/09/2024 15:10

Still here Purple.x.

CloverHilla · 25/09/2024 16:20

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

WhatWouldYouDoEh · 27/09/2024 11:08

Another one thinking of your Purple. I've got this post pinned and think of you often. I am keeping everything crossed for you and your lovely son. You are so strong.

Tasha121 · 04/10/2024 07:42

I only came across this thread last night, but I've read every one of your posts Purple and the entirety of this thread...I'm lost for words. You are the most amazingly strong mother, I have no idea how you're still standing and fighting, but you are and one day, your boy will realise and thank his lucky stars that you never gave up.

I hope he comes back to you soon, I so hope the bruises you saw were a wake up call...I wonder if you thought to take a photo of them whilst he was asleep? It would be documented evidence then that she was very likely to have hurt him, you can't get bruises around your neck by accident!

If not, hopefully you logged what happened with the GP and it will flag if he requires medical treatment again.

Please know there are SO many of us here thinking of you and supporting you

oakleaffy · 04/10/2024 08:51

Dear Purple-
I thought of you recently , after being on a train where a foul woman was aggressive to a young man she was with - She was being verbally and physically aggressive- He was being quiet and acquiescent
The whole carriage was appalled-

No one wanted to intervene and have the snarling woman attack them.

Women can indeed be the aggressors in dysfunctional relationships.

Coincidentally I found a link to your later thread last night, and am so sorry that this cruel woman still has a toxic hold over your lovely son.

You have been so strong, and your lovely boy knows beyond doubt that you are there for him.

Hopefully her brainwashing will wear thin as time goes on and he can extricate himself from her malign influence.

I have known women return to men after physical abuse - It’s baffling , but seems much like an addiction, they only quit when they themselves decide that enough is enough.

Your son knows you love him.

I’m another hoping that he wakes up and realises the harm she is doing.

Bless you and your lovely son.
All power to you both.
💜💟

oakleaffy · 04/10/2024 09:07

Tasha121 · 04/10/2024 07:42

I only came across this thread last night, but I've read every one of your posts Purple and the entirety of this thread...I'm lost for words. You are the most amazingly strong mother, I have no idea how you're still standing and fighting, but you are and one day, your boy will realise and thank his lucky stars that you never gave up.

I hope he comes back to you soon, I so hope the bruises you saw were a wake up call...I wonder if you thought to take a photo of them whilst he was asleep? It would be documented evidence then that she was very likely to have hurt him, you can't get bruises around your neck by accident!

If not, hopefully you logged what happened with the GP and it will flag if he requires medical treatment again.

Please know there are SO many of us here thinking of you and supporting you

I felt tears prickle my eyes reading the injuries to Purple’s son.

For the ambulance to not have allowed this awful woman into the vehicle with Purple’s son speaks volumes.

They are probably pretty good at sussing things out in domestic abuse situations.

Violence towards men from women isn’t as acknowledged as much by society , unfortunately- but it goes on.

The violence I witnessed on a train recently by a woman to a young man she was in a relationship with was obviously a case in point.

Tasha121 · 04/10/2024 09:31

oakleaffy · 04/10/2024 09:07

I felt tears prickle my eyes reading the injuries to Purple’s son.

For the ambulance to not have allowed this awful woman into the vehicle with Purple’s son speaks volumes.

They are probably pretty good at sussing things out in domestic abuse situations.

Violence towards men from women isn’t as acknowledged as much by society , unfortunately- but it goes on.

The violence I witnessed on a train recently by a woman to a young man she was in a relationship with was obviously a case in point.

Me too @oakleaffy, I found thread 1 at about 11pm and was up reading until past 1am, I couldn't sleep for thinking about it all.

It's truly awful how lost older teenagers are in the system in this kind of situation, and it's the age when they just forming first real relationships too, without the proper understanding of what's normal and what isn't!

My boys are only 4 and 11 months, but the thought of this happening to them is terrifying 😢 I said to my husband this morning, as soon as they hit puberty, we need to be talking to them about what healthy relationships look like, and if someone starts to isolate you etc, you come and tell us straight away.

As many wise people on here have said, the only real thing you can do as parents is to let them know there is nothing they can't talk to you about, you will never judge them, they're always safe to come home etc...

The agony that comes through from Purple is heartbreaking, I wish I knew her to give her a hug! Two years on in this horrifying situation and now her precious child is being physically hurt by this awful woman...I honestly think I've have gone round there and killed her with my bare hands

oakleaffy · 04/10/2024 12:31

@Tasha121 Absolutely true.
Was speaking with woman on train about controlling violent women in relationships- She agreed it’s much more swept under the radar, and not taken as seriously when the woman is the aggressor.
Speaking to your sons early on and modelling healthy relationships sounds ideal.

But as Purple found out- anyone is vulnerable to mind control.

Just watch Derren Brown’s videos- it’s alarming how it can happen.

EnglishBluebell · 04/10/2024 23:26

Really worried about Purple now. I hope she's just busy spending time with her boy. 💜

oakleaffy · 05/10/2024 14:16

EnglishBluebell · 04/10/2024 23:26

Really worried about Purple now. I hope she's just busy spending time with her boy. 💜

It’s concerning how the authorities can do nothing to help unless the victim of coercive control actually wants help.

I had a lovely female friend who was routinely beaten up ( stitches needed &c)
She left numerous times and had a gap of years but he got back in contact with her and she had a baby that was born this time rather than terminated.

Haven’t seen her for years- No trace of her online.

Seems that these controlling abusers have such a hold over their victim.

Friend kept saying “ But I love him” even through tears and obvious injuries.

It’s a huge issue if vulnerable person is in the thrall of an abuser.

Battyasfeck · 05/10/2024 15:18

@PurpleLampShades Like many posters here, I think about you often. I’m really hoping no news is good news and things have taken a significant turn for the better. ❤️