Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us

[ZeeB68]

Hi, so I've just given birth to my 3rd baby 2 weeks ago. My mother in law lives abroad and came over for the birth of the baby. Including my husband she has 3 children and 5 grandchildren before who she has never been able to see as babies or their births due to not being able to get a visa. My husband really wanted because of this that if this time his mum got a visa he wanted me to take his mum with me in the delivery room for the birth of our baby. She came here a month ago, I'm very independent and like my own space,my first two children are 8 and 6 so in full time school now,for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy she wouldn't let me go out alone,not even to pick the kids up she would just bring herself along on school pick up, my appointments, a couple of times I just wanted to go shopping alone and she wouldn't let me go without her. She's here till January, even in the final 2 weeks of my pregnancy I didn't get to rest, she did nothing to help around the house, the bedsheets in her room were on for 2 weeks at that point so I put clean ones on the end of the bed to try and get her to take the hint but she waited until I just changed them myself. On 18th October I went into labour,gave birth to my daughter, I had a huge bleed as soon as she came out plus 2nd degree tear and plus other lacerations which needed stitching too. I have been hoping yo breastfeed as I couldn't breast feed my first two due to the same issue of loosing a lot of blood after delivery and milk not coming in properly. After they sorted me out and I finally got to see my baby, I started breast feeding her, she was on for 20 minutes and my mother in law then just said " that's enough" and took my baby off my breast and out of my arms and gave her a bottle, the midwife who was in the room later spoke to me about this as she saw and told me I shouldn't be taking baby off the breast I should let her come off herself. I let it go because my mother in law has never seen one of her grandchildren be born.
I came home the next day,could barely walk with a 1 say old baby and the house was a mess,I came home and went upstairs and started crying whilst trying to clean in pain, his mum just turned round and said to me " oh I'm old I can't clean" (she's 49!) This is the woman who claimed she wanted to stay here at our house during her stay here in the UK to help so I could rest and recover. I cried many times about this to my husband but he always takes his mums side. Since then things have just got worse, the comments my mother in law has been making,
Such as , " stop picking the baby up she will get used to your smell" ( which hurt as she is my baby! She is supposed to be used to my smell) she has told me " your milk isn't enough for her so feed her a bottle before breast feeding her"
She's also given me dirty looks every time baby is hungry and she asks make her a bottle and I say no I want to breastfeed her and she gives me a dirty look and says ok.
She's called me " very fat" from the legs down on numerous occasions since I have given birth even though I am back down to my pre pregnancy weight 2 weeks after birth.
I took baby to school last wednsday after my older kids kept asking me to bring their new baby sister to school, she of course said she was coming even though I told my husband to tell her I wanted to go alone ( she doesn't speak great English) she won't let me bath baby,she takes her downstairs when my older 2 kids are at school and I just want to rest in bed with baby. She keeps putting pressure on me to bottle feed her and only give her my " breast milk at night" which I've explained will not help my already low supply. She says I can't go out until the baby is older and forces me to leave baby at home with her and pick kids up.
She ( forcefully) went to stay at my sister in law's house the last 5 days,and she has told my husband she is coming back on Friday because she apparently " can't stay away longer she needs to come back " my husband said those where the words.i started crying and begged him to just tell her to stay at his sister's longer because I can't cope with her,she takes over,she doesn't advise she tells me what to do and my husband just lets her say and do whatever she wants to me and sides with her. I don't know what to do honestly,I don't want an argument with my husband as I should be enjoying my last baby as she is our last one. I don't want to cause problems but I don't want her coming back here,I've enjoyed the last 5 days at home with my 3 kids,I've managed,cooked,cleaned took the kids out everything on my own and managed just fine ( as I knew I would this is my 3rd not 1st) it's ruined my last few days with my kids as well at the though of her coming back.
Aibu ? I really can't cope and she's making me I'll,I don't know what the best way to go about this is? As I know if I say something to my husband it will all kick off but at the same time I know I can't go on like this.

@ZeeB68 Hope you are OK. Please take care of yourself and make sure you have time with your Mum.

Your husband is a prize twat.

MIL sounds awful too. She speaks to you however she pleases, absolutely vile. Why do you hold back in response?

Upset her. Hopefully she'll leave and take her son with her.

Please protect your children from your MIL and DH. Your daughter is now getting emotionally abused, and is picking up on your abuse. You are training her to accept this in her future relationships, what would you do if this was your daughter?
Move your mum in or move back with your mum. School can be sorted.

Your Sons will become him.
Your Daughters will marry him.

If you don't break this cycle you will make your children pay the price.

Your husband is abusive. Please don't let your vicious cow of a mil sabotage breastfeeding. Keep telling her you're the mum and she needs to stop interfering. Horrible bitch.

You said you just need to tolerate this until January when the witch goes back home but what exactly do you think will magically change with your vile husband then? He couldn't give a flying shit about you or your feelings and even your DD can see it now!
Come on OP, this can't go on.
You have a choice to tolerate the abuse but your poor children don't.

@rainbowstardrops
The thing is he is different when she is not here, he helps with things, he is nice to me.
We have had this issue throughout our entire 9 year marriage. When we've been to Pakistan to visit in the past he would stop helping me and doing things for the kids because he " didn't want me to look bad Infront of his mum " I've told him so many times it's 2023 we are not living in old Pakistani times.
He's just different when his mum is not here.
This morning she has again made comments about giving baby a bottle, I've told the pair of them to stop asking me about the bottle until I decide otherwise, I'm not being pressurised to give up breastfeeding because of his mother.
Like this morning I have been in the kitchen making everyone's breakfast while mil sits on the sofa cuddling my baby. It just breaks my heart,I know I can't hold my baby 24/7 but I just find it unbearable. I genuinely now believe her idea of coming here to " help" was to actually take the baby and enjoy the baby so I can just do house work. She's still being funny with me this morning, I don't care anymore.
I've spent the last 9 years trying to get her acceptance and be good enough for her, I did heavy house work right up until I went into labor with baby, all for what just to " prove" myself good enough to her.
I'm not letting it go on anymore.
I feel so unhappy and I know I will never be happy until I start putting myself and my own feelings first.
My sil friend shaved baby's head last week and what she said really stuck with me, I was drinking a cup of tea in the kitchen and baby cried, she said to me " no, sit down, everyone will take care of the baby but no one will take care of you so you need to take care of yourself and take it easy" it's sad but it's stuck with me because it's true. I need to put myself first and my own feelings and mental and physical health. My older kids are back at school tomorrow so I just plan to get into bed with baby and rest, I haven't had a days rest since she's been born and it was a hard and difficult labor. If she has something to say or a problem with anything she can tell me I'm just not going to care anymore.

But it will only be better because your husband is nicer to you when she's not there but that will be until the next time she visits and the time after that.
And he openly tells you your mum can't come and visit or stay.
He is not a nice man. Especially as he treats you so poorly in front of his mother and children.

Take care of yourself, ignore your MIL. if she has issues with anything , she can do it herself. If she comments, or DH comments, you thought MIL was here to help, so she can help with older DC and housework so you can concentrate on baby and establishing breast feeding.

But your accepting the status quo. Your accepting that your MIL needs to stay the duration of her visa. You shouldn’t have to accept your DH acting differently around his mum (and that too badly). If you want to stay and not go to your mum’s then you need to go out with him and the baby and have a serious conversation where you tell him the situation in unacceptable. She needs to go.

He sleeps in bed with his mother - cultural or not, this is sick. You're in abuse. Get help and get out. You allow your children to witness this is damaging them. Take it from one who knows too well. I learnt the hard way

www.womensaid.org.uk/

@ZeeB68 sis in law shaved baby's head?????? is this true????? why did you allow her to do that if it is true???? why the hell are you still in that house and continually bleating on about MIL and DH???? do something about it! take the advice which you keep asking for!!!!

Hi there, I have been following this thread right from the beginning. I really do wonder why everyone is so keen for OP to split up from her husband? Because he called her English brain? People sometimes say lots of horrible things to each other in the heat of an argument. Just because OP has a horrible mil and her Asian husband is too scared to go against his mum in front of relatives is not grounds for divorce if he is otherwise a decent man. OP does seem to have supportive relatives in her family. Like her sil who told her to enjoy a cup of tea while baby's head is being shaved (cultural tradition). OP, you have done the right thing standing up for yourself. Well done for persevering with breastfeeding. Now, just aa you have said, put your feelings and your mental and physical health first. Ride out this time until your mil goes back home. Then enjoy your well deserved peace and happiness with your husband and children. In the future, say no to your mil staying in your house again.

@2jacqi in Islam we shave the babies hair off on the 7th day after birth.
I post here because it's a place to talk and let out my feelings where I don't get judged. It's nice to have support from somewhere even if it's just on the internet and people reassuring you your not the one in the wrong when your constantly made to feel like you are. I'm not bleating on about anyone.
I'm still in this house because at the end of the day I still have 3 children with my husband,one which is a newborn and only 2 weeks old. For me divorce is a last resort and one I want to avoid unless absolutely necessary.

To ZeeB68. You are on the right course. Every marriage has ups and downs as we don't leave in an ideal world. Listen to your gut and ride this time out

For me divorce is a last resort and one I want to avoid unless absolutely necessary.

that kind of mindset is great IF shared by both spouses.
that is not the case in your marriage.

it therefore allows your DH to disrespect you and prioritise his mother over you and your shared children.
And it leads to your DD being abused by her grandmother. And your children witnessing their DM’s abuse.

but you’re an adult. If you’re not ready or willing to leave, you won’t. And nothing we say will change any of that.

But I feel incredibly sorry for your children, especially your older DD. Your husband allows your MIL to verbally abuse her and condones that behaviour.

At the same time my DD got upset and told her dad " why are you allowed to say bad things about mummys mum but we aren't allowed to say anything about yours".

well, precisely. You are teaching your DD that it is okay for HER future husband (or boyfriend) to treat her how you are currently being treated.
you are also teaching her that those that should treat her with love and kindness (like her grandmother, her father) are allowed to mistreat her.

and you are teaching your son that it is fine to mistreat his future wife (or girlfriend)! That is is fine to mistreat you and his sister.

you - as an adult - are choosing to stay. And whilst I understand that freeing yourself from abuse and coercion is incredibly difficult I cannot help but note that you have a choice. You could pack your bags and go to your mother.

your DD however is a child. She can’t pack her bag and leave. And even if she could… where would she go? she - unlike you - will not find safety at her mother’s.

Because her mother is choosing to stay in an abusive marriage. And thereby choosing to expose her DD to abuse, misogyny and the harm of seeing her mother repeatedly victimised.

latter also apply to your DS. And can be incredibly damaging.

Everything @PumpkinsAndCoconuts said.

It is a desperately sad situation, but it seems that the OP will continue on her chosen path.

You need to stand up for yourself. And your husband needs to stand up for you.

Tell him you are going to book yourself I to a hotel unless he sorts this

The only words to say if she even dares to say anything is "keep your mouth shut or fuck off out of my house, don't you even dare speak to me like that" and if your husband backs her up he can fuck off too.

Do you have your family or any close friends who can advocate for you?

Ps make it your husbands problem to avoid the divorce- lay down your boundaries now and tell him it is up to him to meet them.

So sad to see the abuse you are taking from your husband, his mum and his family. You are also standing by and allowing your daughter to be abused. All because you have 3 kids with him and don’t want a divorce. Do you really think so little of yourself and also your daughter? You and your little girl especially deserves so much more than this. And if you stay with him your daughter will end up like you or worse. Why are you doing this to her? You need to do your duty as a mum and protect her. It seems to me you have such low self confidence that you think it’s better to live being abused like this than leave. I guess he ate away at your confidence over the years. I have never in my life advised anyone to divorce but in this case I would because you need to think of your daughter if not yourself. As a mum I know I would do anything for my child and I hope you will too.

I’ve read your posts @ZeeB68 and it breaks my heart to say that I really firmly believe that divorce is a necessity for the sake of all of your children and for your mental wellbeing.

This man and his awful mother deserve each other.

You need to take your MIL out of these arguments -

I am unhappy because - I can’t feed my baby in peace
I need you to step up and help me like you normally do.
I want to bring my child to school
I want to feed my baby how I choose.
I’m not happy having guest this late whilst I’m recovering

Don’t mention his mother - repeat what you want and what you need - so there’s nothing ambiguous.

He knows what his mother is like and he is choosing her over you.

I would live out to be honest and not go back until MIL has gone home.

Omg sounds hell!! If I was you I would be turning around to my husband and saying... it's me or your mum. Tell him his mum cannot stay any longer. He needs to tell her to go home as she's outstayed her welcome and is cruel!
Also I would not have allowed her to take her off the breast after birth! I would of been big mother bear and shouted no at her and to back off!
If he won't tell his mum to go then I would pack up mine, my baby's and other two children's belongings and moving to my mothers. If your husband can't back you now then it's never going to get any better.
Move out to your mothers and never look back.

No amount of cultural differences could explain what's going on here, this is proper abuse and you deserve so much better OP. Your husband doesn't deserve you and your kids, he sounds infantile and quite frankly disturbing with regards to his relationship with his mother. Please seek the support of your family and someone objective outside this shitshow to help you see straight. You should leave. I wish you all the best x