Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us

[ZeeB68]

Hi, so I've just given birth to my 3rd baby 2 weeks ago. My mother in law lives abroad and came over for the birth of the baby. Including my husband she has 3 children and 5 grandchildren before who she has never been able to see as babies or their births due to not being able to get a visa. My husband really wanted because of this that if this time his mum got a visa he wanted me to take his mum with me in the delivery room for the birth of our baby. She came here a month ago, I'm very independent and like my own space,my first two children are 8 and 6 so in full time school now,for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy she wouldn't let me go out alone,not even to pick the kids up she would just bring herself along on school pick up, my appointments, a couple of times I just wanted to go shopping alone and she wouldn't let me go without her. She's here till January, even in the final 2 weeks of my pregnancy I didn't get to rest, she did nothing to help around the house, the bedsheets in her room were on for 2 weeks at that point so I put clean ones on the end of the bed to try and get her to take the hint but she waited until I just changed them myself. On 18th October I went into labour,gave birth to my daughter, I had a huge bleed as soon as she came out plus 2nd degree tear and plus other lacerations which needed stitching too. I have been hoping yo breastfeed as I couldn't breast feed my first two due to the same issue of loosing a lot of blood after delivery and milk not coming in properly. After they sorted me out and I finally got to see my baby, I started breast feeding her, she was on for 20 minutes and my mother in law then just said " that's enough" and took my baby off my breast and out of my arms and gave her a bottle, the midwife who was in the room later spoke to me about this as she saw and told me I shouldn't be taking baby off the breast I should let her come off herself. I let it go because my mother in law has never seen one of her grandchildren be born.
I came home the next day,could barely walk with a 1 say old baby and the house was a mess,I came home and went upstairs and started crying whilst trying to clean in pain, his mum just turned round and said to me " oh I'm old I can't clean" (she's 49!) This is the woman who claimed she wanted to stay here at our house during her stay here in the UK to help so I could rest and recover. I cried many times about this to my husband but he always takes his mums side. Since then things have just got worse, the comments my mother in law has been making,
Such as , " stop picking the baby up she will get used to your smell" ( which hurt as she is my baby! She is supposed to be used to my smell) she has told me " your milk isn't enough for her so feed her a bottle before breast feeding her"
She's also given me dirty looks every time baby is hungry and she asks make her a bottle and I say no I want to breastfeed her and she gives me a dirty look and says ok.
She's called me " very fat" from the legs down on numerous occasions since I have given birth even though I am back down to my pre pregnancy weight 2 weeks after birth.
I took baby to school last wednsday after my older kids kept asking me to bring their new baby sister to school, she of course said she was coming even though I told my husband to tell her I wanted to go alone ( she doesn't speak great English) she won't let me bath baby,she takes her downstairs when my older 2 kids are at school and I just want to rest in bed with baby. She keeps putting pressure on me to bottle feed her and only give her my " breast milk at night" which I've explained will not help my already low supply. She says I can't go out until the baby is older and forces me to leave baby at home with her and pick kids up.
She ( forcefully) went to stay at my sister in law's house the last 5 days,and she has told my husband she is coming back on Friday because she apparently " can't stay away longer she needs to come back " my husband said those where the words.i started crying and begged him to just tell her to stay at his sister's longer because I can't cope with her,she takes over,she doesn't advise she tells me what to do and my husband just lets her say and do whatever she wants to me and sides with her. I don't know what to do honestly,I don't want an argument with my husband as I should be enjoying my last baby as she is our last one. I don't want to cause problems but I don't want her coming back here,I've enjoyed the last 5 days at home with my 3 kids,I've managed,cooked,cleaned took the kids out everything on my own and managed just fine ( as I knew I would this is my 3rd not 1st) it's ruined my last few days with my kids as well at the though of her coming back.
Aibu ? I really can't cope and she's making me I'll,I don't know what the best way to go about this is? As I know if I say something to my husband it will all kick off but at the same time I know I can't go on like this.

You poor thing, it must be hell! Pack your husbands things and tell him to go stay with his mummy. Seriously though if you get on with your SIL, I would try to get her on side if you can.
I'm afraid you will have to stand up to her and tell her in no uncertain terms that you won’t be bullied. Try your best not to let her see you cry, that will give her more ammunition. You will really have to get support in real life with this. I really feel for you, do these stupid women (and men!) that all they are doing is creating resentment and you will never forget this time and how your experience was compromised because of their behaviour.

You aren't going to be rid of her until you get rid of your husband. He is enabling her, do you really want to live with a man who is on your Mother in laws side rather than yours?

You need to start standing up for yourself and for your baby.
Things like this " the baby up she will get used to your smell" ( which hurt as she is my baby! She is supposed to be used to my smell) she has told me " your milk isn't enough for her so feed her a bottle before breast feeding her"
Say these things out loud- she IS Your baby and will get used to your smell.. there's nothing wrong with that.
Find your voice. If your DH. doesn't have your back you need a serious conversation about enabling his mother.

Are you having sex with your husband? I would tell him you are not having sex with him until his mother is gone. He will change his tune very quickly

She had a baby two weeks ago!

Is your Mum here? I’m guessing that your husband and his family are from India or Pakistan, perhaps, and you might be from the same culture. It’s obvious that he is not lifting a finger to help you physically any more than he is emotionally - did he go straight back to work? Does he not get or not want his paternity leave?

if at all possible I would go and stay with my own mother until your MIL has gone home and be clear with him that it is his mother’s excessive and intolerable behaviour causing this.

He is not going to pack her off early unless you force him, and your SIL is probably counting the minutes until she goes back to you. But as soon as he and your MIL are left with the older children and nobody to skivvy for them, he might suddenly see the virtues of staying friends his his wife instead of picking his Mum.

@Passerillage
Yes my husband's family are from Pakistan,
I'm British not Pakistani, I'm a Muslim revert before I met my husband. I think he expects his mum to do everything, his mum has invited 10 people from the family over to our house this upcoming Saturday ,I told my husband no, that I haven't had a weekend rest since I've given birth ( not even a day as I went back to everything the day when I came home from hospital!) he just kept saying " my mum will manage them" and I told him no she won't,it will be me left to clean up after everyone till they decide to go at a stupid time of night. She just has no care, when I was crying saying your mum isn't helping,I'm in pain and can't walk, he just said " hasn't my mum done enough for you being in the delivery room" I'd cry asking my husband to bring in washing,hoover the floor and he would just sit down saying later and then watch me struggle to do it myself. Because I haven't rested properly I am sure I will end up with some long term pain after this.
Yes,he came to the hospital to see our new baby in his work clothes ( he owns his own business) the most he did was drop the kids to school for a week,and went to work straight after.

Its just so also mentally exhausting as his mum can't speak proper English, only a little ( she's made no effort to learn) and I can only speak a bit of Urdu ( but she would say I need to be the one to make an effort to learn the language)

I can understand enough to know the basics of what she is saying, also things that my husband is turning round and saying , like " don't pick the baby up so much, she isn't your only child , and " dont try to breast feed to much because she isn't your only child, our other kids will get upset and jealous" these things my husband is coming out with I know very well are coming from her and things she's said to my husband when I'm not their because these things she also says to me when my husband isn't their.

The " she isn't your only child, the other 2 will get jealous and upset" comments really hurt, because my other 2 haven't gone without anything,they are absolutely so in love with their baby sister and love helping, my older 2 are clean,fed,clean clothes and get time from me and attention so even though it hurts I know it isn't true, I've also spoke to my 2 older children about their feelings seperately, because I was worried I was giving to much to the baby after this had been said, they both said they love her so much and they aren't upset or jealous, if anything the thing they both said was that they wanted my mother in law to leave because she was taking over and they could see it was making mummy upset ! They are 8 and 6 and they both said that to me! My 8 year old daughter also at the same time told me that my mother in law called her "lazy" and that her brother is such a good boy for massaging her legs and passing her things, my daughter is 8 and my husband things it's also acceptable for his mother to turn around to our 8 year old daughter and say these things to her!

No my mum isn't here,she lives 2 and a half hours away, she came down last Friday and on the day baby was born. As she lives so far away wouldn't be possible for me to go and stay with her for a few days with the kids going back to school on monday. She got dirty looks also from my mother in law and went home crying because she feels pushed out. My mum called me yesterday and said she doesn't care what my mother in law says she will come down next week to take me and baby shopping because she's hardly spent time with the kids or new baby since his mums been here and baby been born.

Husband would be getting told that mil is not welcome to stay in the house as she takes over, if she comes back then I’d go to your mums with all the children, contact school, explain the situation and go to your mums for a break.

your husband should be supporting you not enabling his mother,

This is awful and your husband sounds like an absolute dick. Could your mum have a word when she comes back? My mum would kick off about this. Having her forced on you in the delivery room is bad enough. Honestly if your husband won't sort this out, and he won't, I'd be leaving and going to stay with my family and looking at changing the kids schools.

Fuck school.
You need to pack up you and the kids and leave. Go to your mum.
Your husband and mil are monsters!

You need to leave him!

You poor thing, this is horrible.

She's got to go.

Your husband doesn't sound any better. Can you go and stay with a friend?

This won’t get better unless he stands up to his mother and starts pulling his weight around the house. Either throw him out or move somewhere else. The kids will survive missing some primary school.

Honestly overbearing Pakistani MILs from Pakistan are in a league of their own.

Does your husband have any other relatives in the UK? I’d convince him she needs to go to them alternately ask your mum if you can go and stay with her. Not remotely ideal but it’ll give you some respite, allow you to heal and get some strength before you have to deal with her.

Are the older dc your dh’s?

Leave him take the children and go to your mother's.

You're being abused. I'm sorry. I agree with PPs - take the kids and go.

Get a sling and literally keep tori baby with you. Can you ask a hv to come round and see you? Your dh needs talking to with her present. You newborn needs you not fucking grandma... Or dh can pack his stuff and go home to mummy.

Oh fuck no that’s all levels of wrong. 49 is still when some women are having their own babies!

Tell your DH that she isn’t even changing her own sheets. Just leave her new ones and leave her in dirty ones if she won’t change. Till January!? Tell him she goes now. She took baby off you in the delivery room? She’s beyond. Of course you owe her nothing. Get your mum to come and stay and make a show of helping you.

I would take the kids out of school and go to your mothers.
You are being abused by both your husband and his mother.
Stand up for yourself.

But seriously, even if you have to pull your kids out of school for a few weeks, tell them it’s a hot kids and stay with your mum. No one should be removing your baby and stopping g you breast feeding. Get a sling and don’t let her take the baby or come back.

What a nightmare for you. She is countering every peice of healthy advice out there. I don't know what to suggest , but she cannot stay and you have to make this clear regardless of the consequences with your husband. She is awful and he is out of order.

I absolutely would not allow her back in your home!!!! I'd tell DH that in no uncertain terms and if he refuses to tell her that then fuck school and take yourself and the children to your mum's! You can ring the school and explain the situation.
Do not tolerate being abused by these people!

1. Deep breath
2. You need to grey rock her. Ignore her suggestions.
3. This is your third child so you know what you need to do. So just do it.
4. Keep repeating to her 'No thank you - I will do it this way'
5. She will not change, dont waste your energy trying.

Go and stay with your mum. Even a long journey will be better than this. That way you will be looked sfter and given a chance to properly bond with uour baby.

You mentioned your religion. The YouTube imans say that a man has to put his wife first and that a husband's job is to care for and protect his wife and children. Could you not get clerical support?

It's common in many cultures for grandmothers to look after new mothers around the birth. Victorians had a 10 day confinement where a new mum laid in bed bonding with her baby.

What this time is not about is some old bird acting up and being a burden on the new mum. DH should also be taking a long hard look at himself.

You deserve better, OP.

I agree with pp- take your children and stay with your Mother.
In the nicest possible way, you have had 3 children-you’re a mama bear and you’ve developed some resilience- don’t allow yourself to be pushed around like this! Don’t be afraid of telling some home truths to your MIL and DH: nothing wrong with a little altercation to get your point across and stand your ground.