Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us

[ZeeB68]

Hi, so I've just given birth to my 3rd baby 2 weeks ago. My mother in law lives abroad and came over for the birth of the baby. Including my husband she has 3 children and 5 grandchildren before who she has never been able to see as babies or their births due to not being able to get a visa. My husband really wanted because of this that if this time his mum got a visa he wanted me to take his mum with me in the delivery room for the birth of our baby. She came here a month ago, I'm very independent and like my own space,my first two children are 8 and 6 so in full time school now,for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy she wouldn't let me go out alone,not even to pick the kids up she would just bring herself along on school pick up, my appointments, a couple of times I just wanted to go shopping alone and she wouldn't let me go without her. She's here till January, even in the final 2 weeks of my pregnancy I didn't get to rest, she did nothing to help around the house, the bedsheets in her room were on for 2 weeks at that point so I put clean ones on the end of the bed to try and get her to take the hint but she waited until I just changed them myself. On 18th October I went into labour,gave birth to my daughter, I had a huge bleed as soon as she came out plus 2nd degree tear and plus other lacerations which needed stitching too. I have been hoping yo breastfeed as I couldn't breast feed my first two due to the same issue of loosing a lot of blood after delivery and milk not coming in properly. After they sorted me out and I finally got to see my baby, I started breast feeding her, she was on for 20 minutes and my mother in law then just said " that's enough" and took my baby off my breast and out of my arms and gave her a bottle, the midwife who was in the room later spoke to me about this as she saw and told me I shouldn't be taking baby off the breast I should let her come off herself. I let it go because my mother in law has never seen one of her grandchildren be born.
I came home the next day,could barely walk with a 1 say old baby and the house was a mess,I came home and went upstairs and started crying whilst trying to clean in pain, his mum just turned round and said to me " oh I'm old I can't clean" (she's 49!) This is the woman who claimed she wanted to stay here at our house during her stay here in the UK to help so I could rest and recover. I cried many times about this to my husband but he always takes his mums side. Since then things have just got worse, the comments my mother in law has been making,
Such as , " stop picking the baby up she will get used to your smell" ( which hurt as she is my baby! She is supposed to be used to my smell) she has told me " your milk isn't enough for her so feed her a bottle before breast feeding her"
She's also given me dirty looks every time baby is hungry and she asks make her a bottle and I say no I want to breastfeed her and she gives me a dirty look and says ok.
She's called me " very fat" from the legs down on numerous occasions since I have given birth even though I am back down to my pre pregnancy weight 2 weeks after birth.
I took baby to school last wednsday after my older kids kept asking me to bring their new baby sister to school, she of course said she was coming even though I told my husband to tell her I wanted to go alone ( she doesn't speak great English) she won't let me bath baby,she takes her downstairs when my older 2 kids are at school and I just want to rest in bed with baby. She keeps putting pressure on me to bottle feed her and only give her my " breast milk at night" which I've explained will not help my already low supply. She says I can't go out until the baby is older and forces me to leave baby at home with her and pick kids up.
She ( forcefully) went to stay at my sister in law's house the last 5 days,and she has told my husband she is coming back on Friday because she apparently " can't stay away longer she needs to come back " my husband said those where the words.i started crying and begged him to just tell her to stay at his sister's longer because I can't cope with her,she takes over,she doesn't advise she tells me what to do and my husband just lets her say and do whatever she wants to me and sides with her. I don't know what to do honestly,I don't want an argument with my husband as I should be enjoying my last baby as she is our last one. I don't want to cause problems but I don't want her coming back here,I've enjoyed the last 5 days at home with my 3 kids,I've managed,cooked,cleaned took the kids out everything on my own and managed just fine ( as I knew I would this is my 3rd not 1st) it's ruined my last few days with my kids as well at the though of her coming back.
Aibu ? I really can't cope and she's making me I'll,I don't know what the best way to go about this is? As I know if I say something to my husband it will all kick off but at the same time I know I can't go on like this.

Op she's 49, does she not have a job, to go back to?

I'd take your kids and baby and go visit your own mum. Is it half term where you are. Even if it's not an extra week off school will do no harm you need someone to have your back.

Go see your mum

I’m Pakistani and most of what you are saying is the cultural bad stuff. This isn’t how your MIL would treat her daughter who had just given birth.

I agree with previous poster, put the baby in a sling and baby stays with you.

You wouldn’t have to be upstairs bf if there weren’t that many extra people in the house.

I would either tell DH him and his mum are going to his sisters house or that you and all the kids are going to your mums. This isn’t about asking. This is about him not putting your needs first. Yes his mother has a high status in Islam but you’ve just given birth and your needs and privacy and needs have to be met.

Get everyone’s stuff together and go.

This is terrible. Regardless of having 3 kids with this man you need to split up!!!

I couldn’t read your whole post because I was so angry on your behalf. This is YOUR baby. You are not a housekeeper. This lady needs to respect you as a parent.

Baby goes in a sling and you sit and bf as much as you like. Do not change her sheets or do other households cleaning tasks. She helps out or she goes.

I would be having a VERY clear conversation today with my husband that if he doesn’t speak to his mother today, you will be leaving. You must speak up for yourself and not let them treat you this way.

Yes to this. Time to lose your shit and stop being polite and letting people walk all over you. You can not continue like this.

@ZeeB68 truth is OP, although Asian families can be overbearing, they are usually extremely helpful when mums give birth. you are being treated very unfairly. I personally would be rethinking the marriage.

Your husband prioritised his mum by her attending the birth, that's done. Now you and your kids should be his priority.

If he can't or won't put you first and stand up to his mum you should leave. Go to your mum with your children, your welfare comes first.

I wouldn't say too much to sil. Go and rest and enjoy your baby x

I'll be very clear here, you need to get out. Others have said you are in an abusive relationship, that's obvious but you are literally being kept prisoner.
Your MIL isn't stalking you out of concern or even malice ,she's keeping an eye on you,making sure you cannot get away.
You are not allowed others In the home, no help escaping this prison.
You've said your husband has threatened to leave you,do you honestly believe he will leave without the kids?
He has every opportunity to whisk them off to Pakistan.
Your Mil is abusive to your older daughter, do you want her raised feeling like she's worthless and more importantly married off to goodness knows who,if she does get abducted by your husband .
You are being abused, don't let your children become victims in this.
Encouragement to confront your husband and MIL is meant well ,but in this situation at best won't work,at worst dangerous as it could provoke a bad outcome.
Don't involve your SIL, her first loyalty is to her immediate family . You wait until there is an opportunity to be alone, call your mum,tell her you are coming ( if you can make a call without being heard) .Your mum can sort out with the relevant agencies a refuge for you and the kids ,your husbands first port of call will be your mums so you cannot stay there. You also need to speak to the police,tell them your children are at risk of abduction.
If there's an opportunity when you will be alone for a short while, maybe under the guise of visiting with your SIL with your kids, you take the opportunity and run. If MIL won't let you go anywhere without you,wait till husband is at work,she's either asleep or in bathroom, get kids and leave.
Please don't join the legion of women who's kids have been stolen from them.

I know it is easier said than done but you need to ignore her digs and dirty looks and also ignore her.
Stop cleaning/tidying up after herself. Keep saying ‘but the whole point of having you here was to help me’.
Sneakily get ready to go out so when you put your coat on she hasn’t time to get ready herself.
If she tries to prevent you from taking your baby outside just say ‘I’m the mum so I decide’ and do it. If she tried to take the baby off you say firmly ‘this is my baby, I decide what happens’ and turn away.

Or tell your husband that you will stay at your mum until MIL leaves. She can handle the school pickups she is supposedly here to help, can’t she?

I'm afraid you've got a cultural problem. The husband's mother is top of the pecking order and as the DIL you are expected to honour her, as well as cook and clean for her. You are also expected to (more or less) hand your child over to her and obey every word she says about childcare. She knows best in everything. Your DH will never, ever see any of this as unacceptable no matter how much you cry. When MIL says she is too old to do housework (at 49) what she actually means is she is too superior to do it. She is superior to you. I wish you luck and strength, but I don't think you are going to win this one.

Oh my fucking god! This is so many levels of fucked up!! You need to get your shit together, you are a western woman in a western country, no need to entertain this backward shite. Either get yourself out of there, to your mothers with your children or enlist help from your GP and HV to get rid of this pair. Phone the home office if you need to and get this woman removed from your home. Stop with the 'my DH won't let me' won't let you?!? Wtf century are we in?

This is very sad. I Don't know what advice to give as I understand a lot of this is due to culture😭.

I agree.

The children are fine to miss school for the sake of your sanity.
Your husband sounds awful, your MIL even worse. I’d not stay home to have her pushed on me in my own home.

This pissed me off. I wouldn't care anymore what your MIL thinks. I would tell her exactly what the rules are in your house. Your DH can join her at SIL if he doesn't like it.

just wanted to add that for successful breastfeeding you need to be hydrated and have the extra calories. You don’t need to be back at your prebirth weight and having that as a goal will only hinder breastfeeding. You need an extra 500 calories and litre of fluids a day and enough rest so they go to milk making not stress management! Go immediately to bed with a plate of something you fancy and stay there with baby! Congratulations on your new addition and having the strength of character to put up with the family nonsense.

Nothing will change unless you make it change.

I would try and take all 3 children to your Mum’s this weekend. If you can’t get away then make sure you do nothing to facilitate the gathering. It’s time to start saying NO and following through.

Ignore you MIL’s misguided advice. Don’t let her take over, don’t let her stop you taking the baby on the school run - if you want to do something do it, don’t give her advanced warning and don’t invite her to join you, get on with your new baby and family.

Op go to your mums, take kids out of school and go. They are completely undermining your attempts to BF mainly because they are selfish and want to play mum.
Well you are mum no playing about it. Go to your mums for a week or two depending on holidays. Get out their clutches for a bit.

id also go to your mums for a break

You do need to stand up for yourself a bit-and tell her to back off but it's too hard to find the energy for that right now when you had your baby so recently and you dont need the stress

go and rest and when you come back just tell her to back off - husband obviously isn't going to

The problem with telling OP to stand up for herself and tell MIL no is that there is a language barrier. So the only way to deal with this is to remove herself from the situation. And OP, like others, I urge you to do exactly that. And while you're at your mum's start divorce proceedings.

As a PP has said, this is cultural not religion. This is not how Islam says a man should treat his wife.

You and all the kids go to your mums asap. I'd be telling to school there has been a family issue and you need to go away for a little while.
She sounds absolutely vile and your husband selfish and spineless.

This really.

And the prioritising and praising of your son over your daughters is a huge red flag.

You poor thing
Pack up your things and go and stay with your DM
Tell husband that she is the children Grandmother too
Could you get the HV to come round for her to see the set up
I know she is your third but you are still vulnerable to suffer PNA/ PND
If you were in a relaxed environment your milk supply would increase
Keep baby in a sling as much as possible
I'm sorry, she is spoiling what should be a joyous time

Do NOT leave the older children with your husband and your MIL if you go to stay with your mum.

You might not see them again.

Please go to your mum's OP.

Your MiL is awful, but so is your husband. It's him that's the main problem.

He is nasty and abusive.

Take your kids and the baby and go to your mum's. Kids resettle quickly too, so I would really consider moving permanently nearer to your mum. You need to see a solicitor that's experienced in divorces where other countries are involved to ensure your children are as safe as they can be. Get your passports and whatever you can carry, collect the children from school and run.

Get out before the weekend. If you were my daughter, I'd send you whatever money you needed to get away.