Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us

[ZeeB68]

Hi, so I've just given birth to my 3rd baby 2 weeks ago. My mother in law lives abroad and came over for the birth of the baby. Including my husband she has 3 children and 5 grandchildren before who she has never been able to see as babies or their births due to not being able to get a visa. My husband really wanted because of this that if this time his mum got a visa he wanted me to take his mum with me in the delivery room for the birth of our baby. She came here a month ago, I'm very independent and like my own space,my first two children are 8 and 6 so in full time school now,for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy she wouldn't let me go out alone,not even to pick the kids up she would just bring herself along on school pick up, my appointments, a couple of times I just wanted to go shopping alone and she wouldn't let me go without her. She's here till January, even in the final 2 weeks of my pregnancy I didn't get to rest, she did nothing to help around the house, the bedsheets in her room were on for 2 weeks at that point so I put clean ones on the end of the bed to try and get her to take the hint but she waited until I just changed them myself. On 18th October I went into labour,gave birth to my daughter, I had a huge bleed as soon as she came out plus 2nd degree tear and plus other lacerations which needed stitching too. I have been hoping yo breastfeed as I couldn't breast feed my first two due to the same issue of loosing a lot of blood after delivery and milk not coming in properly. After they sorted me out and I finally got to see my baby, I started breast feeding her, she was on for 20 minutes and my mother in law then just said " that's enough" and took my baby off my breast and out of my arms and gave her a bottle, the midwife who was in the room later spoke to me about this as she saw and told me I shouldn't be taking baby off the breast I should let her come off herself. I let it go because my mother in law has never seen one of her grandchildren be born.
I came home the next day,could barely walk with a 1 say old baby and the house was a mess,I came home and went upstairs and started crying whilst trying to clean in pain, his mum just turned round and said to me " oh I'm old I can't clean" (she's 49!) This is the woman who claimed she wanted to stay here at our house during her stay here in the UK to help so I could rest and recover. I cried many times about this to my husband but he always takes his mums side. Since then things have just got worse, the comments my mother in law has been making,
Such as , " stop picking the baby up she will get used to your smell" ( which hurt as she is my baby! She is supposed to be used to my smell) she has told me " your milk isn't enough for her so feed her a bottle before breast feeding her"
She's also given me dirty looks every time baby is hungry and she asks make her a bottle and I say no I want to breastfeed her and she gives me a dirty look and says ok.
She's called me " very fat" from the legs down on numerous occasions since I have given birth even though I am back down to my pre pregnancy weight 2 weeks after birth.
I took baby to school last wednsday after my older kids kept asking me to bring their new baby sister to school, she of course said she was coming even though I told my husband to tell her I wanted to go alone ( she doesn't speak great English) she won't let me bath baby,she takes her downstairs when my older 2 kids are at school and I just want to rest in bed with baby. She keeps putting pressure on me to bottle feed her and only give her my " breast milk at night" which I've explained will not help my already low supply. She says I can't go out until the baby is older and forces me to leave baby at home with her and pick kids up.
She ( forcefully) went to stay at my sister in law's house the last 5 days,and she has told my husband she is coming back on Friday because she apparently " can't stay away longer she needs to come back " my husband said those where the words.i started crying and begged him to just tell her to stay at his sister's longer because I can't cope with her,she takes over,she doesn't advise she tells me what to do and my husband just lets her say and do whatever she wants to me and sides with her. I don't know what to do honestly,I don't want an argument with my husband as I should be enjoying my last baby as she is our last one. I don't want to cause problems but I don't want her coming back here,I've enjoyed the last 5 days at home with my 3 kids,I've managed,cooked,cleaned took the kids out everything on my own and managed just fine ( as I knew I would this is my 3rd not 1st) it's ruined my last few days with my kids as well at the though of her coming back.
Aibu ? I really can't cope and she's making me I'll,I don't know what the best way to go about this is? As I know if I say something to my husband it will all kick off but at the same time I know I can't go on like this.

Would the health visitor tell your husband that hosting visitors is affecting your health and milk supply? That your MIL and these other family need to leave you alone with your baby?

I am sorry you are going through this. What a horrible situation.

I agree with taking all three kids to your mum's for a couple of weeks. They are only 6 and 8 and you need the safe space.

Your husband sounds like a moron.

Get your mother to stay until that old witch goes back. Your husband is awful . You have no one on your side there so you have to take control. Whatever she says or does tell her to mind her own business. Don't go into her room. Don't do anything for her. She is a mean nasty controlling old bat and your husband is no better I'm afraid. Don't allow this.

Why are you tolerating that??? His mum can stay, so why does he get to dictate that your mum can't?!
I posted yesterday and I reiterate what I said then. Pack your kids up and go to your mum's. Explain the situation to the school.
This is not an equal marriage at all!

Is your home in joint names? If so, then your mum has as much right to stay with you as his mum does. I would try and get your mum to come and stay now. His mum can stay with other family members.

I am a white woman married to an Asian man. I am afraid the situation with your mother in law is a cultural thing. I am not saying your marriage is doomed as we have been married for almost 25 years. You husband probably have some good qualities. However he is not in a position to say anything to his mum, it's a cultural taboo. Your mil is coming back tomorrow and is here till January. I am not sure taking kids out of school and going to stay with your mum is a workable idea. Can't your own mum come over and stay locally till January? Or at least come every weekend for moral and practical support? Also speak to your GP and health visitor. You need somehow ride this time till January. In the future, simply say no having your mil staying in your house.

Has anyone linked any domestic abuse helplines?
Does anyone know how to get MNHQ to read to link some appropriate places gor OP to contact?

Did they behave this way while you were pregnant?
Every appointment I had with my midwife I was asked about abuse. Please be honest with your midwife + / or your HV, whoever you see.
They ask for a reason.

You need to get out OP, with all of your children. If your older 2 have passports I'd post them to your mum so your dh and MIL can't take them without you / your permission.

Giving your children's passports to your mum is definitely a good idea. Or at least informing the Foreign Office for children not to be let out of the country. If you think that you children don't yet have passports please double check with the passport authorities that's definitely the case.

OP the way your husband and MIL are treating you is not acceptable.
You are risking long term health issues because of their abusive and NEGLIGENT behaviour.
Please be honest with your Midwife / Health visitor about their behaviour, it’s dangerous.
The only person who has your best interests at heart is your mum. So why then is your husband trying to isolate you from her support?
Having a baby is hard and you need time away from these people
Why can’t your h and his mother look after your older two so they can attend school whilst you recuperate at your mums.
You need space and time to heal you aren’t going to get it with these abusive people.
Why hasnt your SIL OFFERED to take in your MIL ? She doesn’t sound much of a support to me

In relation to Pumpkinpie1 post - an excellent idea! Take your newborn and go and stay with your mum until your mil moves out. I bet your husband will see the light very quickly. Just make sure your take your children's passports with or notify the Foreign office your husband cannot apply for them without your knowledge

You can always ask your GP a sick note stating you need plenty of rest after your blood loss. It takes 4-6 weeks for iron level to getbacktonormal. I am a registered midwife. If you call your GP surgery today and mention you had a baby 2 weeks ago you will get an emergency appointment. If the receptionist is asking why tell them you are struggling with mental health. Suicide is the leading cause of maternal death in the UK. If you mention mental health you will be prioritised. I am sure your GP will write a sympathetic letter to show to your husband. It doesn't need to mention mental health, just your blood loss and you need for rest

@Pumpkinpie1 I don't know my husband has always just had an issue with my mum. I think the main reason is because my mum has a different mentality and I've kind of adapted to their way of thinking over the years.
I wouldn't leave my older two with both of them, the day I gave birth and the day after that I was in hospital they didn't even bother to sort the kids properly for school, my daughter those two days went to school with unbrushed messy hair ( bless her my daughter tried sorting her own hair out) my husband I can understand not being able to sort her hair out but my mother in law left her with unbrushed messy hair and both kids went to school without brushing their teeth or washing their faces. Mil knows their routine, she made no effort to make sure the kids went to school fresh and looking decent. Kids also came to visit me in hospital and the first family pictured they looked a mess it upset me So I don't feel comfortable they would look after them properly.

My mother in law came to the UK to "help" before and after the birth of baby, how funny is that , so she was always going to stay at ours more than sol,she only went this week forcefully, she's been here the last month so I don't understand why she can't stay their a couple more weeks to spend time with her daughter and other grandkids. She only wants to come back tomorrow because schools starting on Monday and she doesn't want me to take baby to school and leave baby with her. She called me yesterday asking if I'd managed to cook anything 😐 I've managed everything perfectly fine,she keeps forgetting this is my third.

All's she does Is just lie down on the sofa, watching TV. Not even English channels too.we only have the one TV down stairs and she won't let anyone else watch not even the kids.always just Urdu shows and I just stare at the walls.

I spoke to husband last night about his mum and it went down as expected, just called me " English brain " as an insult

Sorry sounds awful.
I think you need to bite the bullet and lay down some home truths. Hell I would even pay for an interpreter to get my point across.
You are not staying in my home. I have not asked nor do I want your opinion on how to look after my children. If I want your opinion I will ask for it. You have no right to give advice on subjects you have no expertise in. You have been a guest in my home and been very rude in not helping with household tasks. I am not your housemaid. You have come into my home and behaved appalingly.
If you want a relationship in the future with your grandchildren then you will do so on my terms.
Husband needs a wake up call too.

I spoke to husband last night about his mum and it went down as expected, just called me " English brain " as an insult

Total contempt. Your marriage is dead. You need to end this nightmare

So @ZeeB68 , what are you going to do about it?

You can't live with someone who treats you with such contempt

Your husband is horrible.

I get more pissed off about your husband with every update.

It sounds terrible. Your situation is intolerable. I suggest you either get yourself a sick note from your GP stating you need as much rest as possible and must recuperate without visitors in the house. Or you go and stay with your mum. Or both. It's never a bad idea to get professionals involved. Just call school on Monday and explain the situation. The school will inform social services if your children are neglected. This will surely grab your husband's attention. I also suspect he is already expecting sex from you. Going away might get him reevaluate the entire situation.

Further to the earlier post... it might be quite dramatic and quite traumatic for the kids. However I expect your husband to back down very quickly. Just make sure you talk to your GP and school so that no one in authority can accuse you in the future of unreasonable behaviour/mentally unstable person/neglectful mother

Your husband is a massive failure as a husband and parent. Why were you putting sheets on a bed at the end of your pregnancy? That was his job. Why can’t he brush his children’s hair? Any father is capable of basic care for his children.

He should be knowledgeable about breastfeeding and know that what you need is lots of time with baby at the breast to increase your supply.

this is all dad 101 stuff and he is on his 3rd child.

that doesn’t even get to the fact that he should be buffering between you and his mother.

in a perfect world, you would find your voice and start saying no. You are newly postpartum, sleep deprived, and this is supposed to be when the people who love you are protecting you so it’s understandable that it is hard.
if your mother is willing to help you right now, you should let her. You need an advocate. Either invite her to stay over your husbands objections or pack up your things and move to her house. Your husband will manage the older children and school. He is a father. It’s his job.

Do you really want your children to grow up in an environment where their dad treats their mum like a slave?

Your husband sounds awful!

Personally I'd take the children from school on Friday night and go and stay with your mum. Let them miss school. Ask the school for some work for them to do, and let your husband know you won't be coming home until MIL is staying elsewhere.

Has your husband always treated you like a slave?! OR is this just since having children?

This is awful, I am so sorry. You are being abused and I'd advise you to contact a women's dometic abuse charity. There are specific ones for Muslim women, like Shakti where I live in Scotland.

Your Husband is an arse! English Brain - WTAF!

I suggested you should go to your mums for a break and a bit of support.
I now think you should look to leave him permanently.

This woman is awful. Does she have staff at home? No excuse but perhaps these are cultural issues. As you say the relationship between your husband and his mum is weird, it seems unhealthy and needs a whole another discussion. For me step one is parenting your kids as you want. Learn to say no, firmly, My kids my rules , repeatedly till she gets the message. She will get it eventually and you need a reset now before she starts coming every year for 6 moths and implementing her rules. I don’t think she will ever be happy with you so don’t bother trying to please her. Just please yourself so you know you’ve cared for your baby to your standards. Agree also saying gp said you need to take it easy so washing and caring for his mum is husbands job, leave her on her dirty sheets till he or she sort it. Re your marriage, I’d focus on baby for now then deal with your marriage, how he reacts as you assert yourself might guide you. English brain is an outrageous insult that nobody should be saying particularly a man with an English wife and kids, I suspect this is his mother’s opinion.

Your husband and MIL both sound awful OP. It's rare that everyone's comments are so unified and a lot of people come and find a reason to say you ARE being unreasonable... but no one has here because this is AWFUL. Your mum needs to come and stay with you (if you want to try and make your marriage work) or if you don't then take the kids and go to hers.
Re: the bottle feeding. Chuck all the bottles and formula. All of them. And if they go and buy more do it again too. If you want to breastfeed that's what you need to do.
Tough yards ahead, you'll need to stand up to both of them. They won't like it.

I would leave your h. Seriously. He doesn't have your back.

He's a spineless unsupportive idiot.

I'd make his mum move out ASAP. This is your house. If he wants to go, he can fuck off too. No loss. He's not making your life better; he's making it worse.