Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us

[ZeeB68]

Hi, so I've just given birth to my 3rd baby 2 weeks ago. My mother in law lives abroad and came over for the birth of the baby. Including my husband she has 3 children and 5 grandchildren before who she has never been able to see as babies or their births due to not being able to get a visa. My husband really wanted because of this that if this time his mum got a visa he wanted me to take his mum with me in the delivery room for the birth of our baby. She came here a month ago, I'm very independent and like my own space,my first two children are 8 and 6 so in full time school now,for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy she wouldn't let me go out alone,not even to pick the kids up she would just bring herself along on school pick up, my appointments, a couple of times I just wanted to go shopping alone and she wouldn't let me go without her. She's here till January, even in the final 2 weeks of my pregnancy I didn't get to rest, she did nothing to help around the house, the bedsheets in her room were on for 2 weeks at that point so I put clean ones on the end of the bed to try and get her to take the hint but she waited until I just changed them myself. On 18th October I went into labour,gave birth to my daughter, I had a huge bleed as soon as she came out plus 2nd degree tear and plus other lacerations which needed stitching too. I have been hoping yo breastfeed as I couldn't breast feed my first two due to the same issue of loosing a lot of blood after delivery and milk not coming in properly. After they sorted me out and I finally got to see my baby, I started breast feeding her, she was on for 20 minutes and my mother in law then just said " that's enough" and took my baby off my breast and out of my arms and gave her a bottle, the midwife who was in the room later spoke to me about this as she saw and told me I shouldn't be taking baby off the breast I should let her come off herself. I let it go because my mother in law has never seen one of her grandchildren be born.
I came home the next day,could barely walk with a 1 say old baby and the house was a mess,I came home and went upstairs and started crying whilst trying to clean in pain, his mum just turned round and said to me " oh I'm old I can't clean" (she's 49!) This is the woman who claimed she wanted to stay here at our house during her stay here in the UK to help so I could rest and recover. I cried many times about this to my husband but he always takes his mums side. Since then things have just got worse, the comments my mother in law has been making,
Such as , " stop picking the baby up she will get used to your smell" ( which hurt as she is my baby! She is supposed to be used to my smell) she has told me " your milk isn't enough for her so feed her a bottle before breast feeding her"
She's also given me dirty looks every time baby is hungry and she asks make her a bottle and I say no I want to breastfeed her and she gives me a dirty look and says ok.
She's called me " very fat" from the legs down on numerous occasions since I have given birth even though I am back down to my pre pregnancy weight 2 weeks after birth.
I took baby to school last wednsday after my older kids kept asking me to bring their new baby sister to school, she of course said she was coming even though I told my husband to tell her I wanted to go alone ( she doesn't speak great English) she won't let me bath baby,she takes her downstairs when my older 2 kids are at school and I just want to rest in bed with baby. She keeps putting pressure on me to bottle feed her and only give her my " breast milk at night" which I've explained will not help my already low supply. She says I can't go out until the baby is older and forces me to leave baby at home with her and pick kids up.
She ( forcefully) went to stay at my sister in law's house the last 5 days,and she has told my husband she is coming back on Friday because she apparently " can't stay away longer she needs to come back " my husband said those where the words.i started crying and begged him to just tell her to stay at his sister's longer because I can't cope with her,she takes over,she doesn't advise she tells me what to do and my husband just lets her say and do whatever she wants to me and sides with her. I don't know what to do honestly,I don't want an argument with my husband as I should be enjoying my last baby as she is our last one. I don't want to cause problems but I don't want her coming back here,I've enjoyed the last 5 days at home with my 3 kids,I've managed,cooked,cleaned took the kids out everything on my own and managed just fine ( as I knew I would this is my 3rd not 1st) it's ruined my last few days with my kids as well at the though of her coming back.
Aibu ? I really can't cope and she's making me I'll,I don't know what the best way to go about this is? As I know if I say something to my husband it will all kick off but at the same time I know I can't go on like this.

OP your DH is just offensive and rude.

Please remember you can divorce him islamically and frankly it sounds like you have every right to. Hes made this 3rd birth sound horrible just feed his mum’s ego.

Please find the strength to get rid of him.

OP you are being very brave.
Im sorry that your Husband and MIL are spoiling what should be a joyful time with your new baby.
To use “culture “ as an excuse to abuse you is wrong.

I hope your Mum can come soon to support you.
Hers is the only voice - speaking with her love and concern about you - that deserves to be heard.

Well done for standing up for yourself. Please do not hesitate to call police if you feel threatened. You husband could turn really nasty. Especially if you threaten to leave

So glad you have your mum coming soon. Your husband is an abusive, immature and ignorant piece of work and his mum clearly is equally terrible given that she raised him to be that way. They're trapped in a cycle of abuse and disrespect and they won't ever change. But you don't have to be a part of it.

No culture or religion endorses this behaviour. Please do what you can to rebuild your confidence, your spirit, your independence, your finances - and divorce him. You will find the support.

Others have better advice about cataloguing the abuse and finding out more about preparing to leave. Incase this contributed to your hesitation, remember that divorce is allowed in Islam when there is no fault at all - my personal belief is that when a partner is being subjected to behaviours like this, divorce actually becomes the absolute morally right thing to do. For you and your children.

You poor thing, this is so awful. They sound absolutely horrible and no one deserves to be treated this way. Please leave; your husband is not being a good one. Your children and mum sound wonderful, cling to them. A divorce would favour the children staying with their mum as you seem to be primary caregiver. I hope you are able to shape a good future for yourself and your little ones.

Yes I did stand up for myself but if anything it's made it worse. At the same time my DD got upset and told her dad " why are you allowed to say bad things about mummys mum but we aren't allowed to say anything about yours" my DD also told him that mil called her lazy. He's told my mil everything I've said and what dd has said, she came back last night but is now ignoring me and being funny with me and to be honest everything's just been made worse.
He's not said it in support of me he's told her in a way just saying this is what my wife's been saying about you kind of way.
I'm just fed up.
I don't know what's going to happen now but I've got to live until January now getting ignored.

They've invited all the family round today, including 2 random people I've never met, the family of his younger brothers potential new wife. I bet she will be all smiles and talks to me then in the hope I make a good impression for her and don't ruin it for her.

Op please pack up and go to your mums, even for a short break bit of breathing space.

They are riding rough shod over you. And will continue to do so.

It might be against your beliefs to divorce but he's not treating you with honour or respect. LOOK AFTER YOURSELF AND KIDS.

@Sugarfree23 not at all against islamic beliefs to divorce. islamically the wife has a right to her own residence I.e. MIL shouldn't be here without her consent. OP's husband is a twat

whay would happen if you took all the dc to your mums? I know they’d miss school, but could you tell school it’s an emergency? It is an emergency.

tell dhs brothers potential wife that she will get the mil from hell. What have you got to lose?

It’s at the point of having a negative impact on your daughter. That’s the point you need to take your children and leave. Don’t let them think this is a normal way to treat someone.

@ZeeB68 I vote that you stay for the guests to arrive and majorly kick off. start crying in front of the guests saying MIL hates you and all the other stuff she has done. embarrass her. cause drama to stop drama.

Is there a local friend that you can escape to for today?

Please pack up everyone’s stuff and go to your mum’s. Let him live with his mum. He really is being an idiot. He’s not treating you with the respect and rights you deserve islamically as his wife.

Oh OP, I couldn't read everything but all I did see is terribly abusive, from both your husband and his mother.
Please, please Do Not Stay there any longer. You do have other options and they are better than living like this!

Option 1: speak to Women's Aid and see if they can place you and kids in one of their houses to start with.

Option 2: pack your things and kids' things and go to your mums- permanently
If she doesnt have enough space at her house, try to make do with sleeping on the couch/inflatable or foldable beds and immediately apply for council housing in her area. You will be a priority as you have young children and they need their individual space.

None of these are perfect solutions but remember they'll be temporary. You will be okay, it's just hard at the beginning (I say this from personal experience). You've told your husband and pleaded with him endlessly, he clearly does not care and will not change. Don't prolong your misery, just get out of there as soon as you can.

They’ve invited people to be there today. YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN DO NOT HAVE TO BE THERE. Go to your Mum’s or just go out, ‘pop to the shops’ forget your phone and then stay out for the day.

Hi, so sorry to read what you are going through. I am south Asian and this is beyond the usual toxicity that exists in parts of our culture. I wouldn't stand for this and I have grown up in that culture, please don't let him belittle you. Take "English brain" as a compliment. There is no requirement in Islam to live in a joint family or accommodate unnecessary demands of in-laws.

He will only realise that he has to stand up for you if you show him what he stands to lose. And then if he is too egotistical or not bothered then you and your kids will be better off out of this situation.

Your MIL wouldn't have been a problem if your husband was any good both as a husband and as a father.

Please leave the house
With all three children (and their ID documents)
And treat this marriage as over. It isn't going to get any better by the sounds of it. Your DH is a selfish man, and one of the most inconsiderate and cruel I've read about on here in a long time. Why would you want to bring up children with him at all? (even if his mother fucked off back to Pakistan tomorrow, and we know that is unlikely to happen).

If you're feeling bold, get a marker pen and write a message to today's uninvited visitors on the wall, explaining why you are no longer there. Don't forget to point out that their behaviour is completely contrary to Islamic teaching.

Look, do you realise they won't change?
That means unless you take action then everything will stay the same.
In ten years time you will still be hating it. In 20 years time and 30.
You will be old and have so many regrets.

You need to leave and take the kids.

I agree with this.

You and your children don't deserve to live like this. I know it's hard to leave, but I'm 100% certain you'll be so much happier without both of these arseholes in your life.

If you feel like you have to stay for the short term while finding somewhere to go, is there any way your mum could stay for longer this week until you can make a plan?

Hi OP i am also a convert married to a pakistani .
His mother regurarly comes and stays with us . She is on her eighties and helps a lot around the house cooks and cleans . She does sometimes has comments about kids etc but nothing bad .
Your situation sounds very toxic it does sound like your husband does not care about you calling you names and not understanding .
If my husband was like that i would leave but i understand that can be difficult .

@ZeeB68

When DH and I married, my MiL told me that she was happily taking a 'back seat' and gladly giving his 'care and feeding' over to me. And she was as good as her word. She never interfered, never criticized, and if DH & I had a 'spat' she always took my side. I miss her dearly and have patterned my behaviour with my darling DiL on hers. And I have never felt for one instant that my wellbeing and happiness is not my DH's 1st priority, as his is mine.

You need to understand, deep down in your soul, that you will NEVER be 'first' with your husband. His mother will ALWAYS take precedence over you. Is that the way you want to live for the next (depending on her age) 20, 30, 40 years? I wouldn't.

If I were you, I'd quietly pack small bags for ALL the children and yourself and hide them. Then when my mother came to visit I'd put them in her car when he wasn't looking, invent an outing, load the children into Mum's car and leave.

Things will never get better.

What you are going through is abusive.
Please contact Women's Aid.
This is not going to get any better.

For the love of all that's holy will you please just pack up your kids and leave. Indefinitely. Then set the wheels on motion for divorce.

He's an arsehole, she's an arsehole, they're all arseholes. You don't have to put up with it.

You go to your mum's, you ring the school, tell them you've fled domestic abuse and can they send you some online learning or whatever. Call women's aid, get some advice. See a solicitor.

Drop the rope.

So she's invited a coach load of people to your house for you to entertain. So fucking what?! Not your problem. They can all come to your house, you won't be there and neither will your kids. Your useless arsehole husband and psychotic arsehole mother in law can explain why they've all come to see a baby that's not there. Not. Your. Problem.

You didn't even think it reasonable to expect your DH to brush his DCs hair when you weren't there? Wtf?! Why do you think he's incapable of something so simple?! He's clearly completely pointless. Being without him, never mind the MIL, would be so much easier. Go to your mum so she can help you.

Don't give threats about leaving or expect them to realise they're shits. Don't expect them to suddenly see sense. This is who they are. They will not change.

Just. Leave.

Quoting myself here as the OP never responded and I feel some of the points I raised are worth thinking about.

NB: I agree with @GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut .

But, for whatever reason, she doesn't seem ready, and I can understand that it may be overwhelming, particularly since she only recently gave birth.

Hopefully,@ZeeB68 , you can at least start thinking about all this and what it would mean for you and your children - and suss out your options, start collecting documents, get advice, maybe get counselling. Talking to Women's Aid would probably a good initial step.

The woman sounds deranged, a bully and a control freak, who will ruin yours and your childrens life if this continues. She will keep coming over and things like this will keep happening. Your husband sounds like a wet lettuce to his mummy, he's probably used to being under her control and so thinks its normal. Your husband and mil will not change, its up to you to take control for your own mental well being and that of your children. As hard as it is , you need to put your foot down. Can you confront her and say under no circumstances will you be bullied and controlled in your own home . Your husband does not sound like a good husband or father allowing his bully of a mum to take control!!