Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us

[ZeeB68]

Hi, so I've just given birth to my 3rd baby 2 weeks ago. My mother in law lives abroad and came over for the birth of the baby. Including my husband she has 3 children and 5 grandchildren before who she has never been able to see as babies or their births due to not being able to get a visa. My husband really wanted because of this that if this time his mum got a visa he wanted me to take his mum with me in the delivery room for the birth of our baby. She came here a month ago, I'm very independent and like my own space,my first two children are 8 and 6 so in full time school now,for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy she wouldn't let me go out alone,not even to pick the kids up she would just bring herself along on school pick up, my appointments, a couple of times I just wanted to go shopping alone and she wouldn't let me go without her. She's here till January, even in the final 2 weeks of my pregnancy I didn't get to rest, she did nothing to help around the house, the bedsheets in her room were on for 2 weeks at that point so I put clean ones on the end of the bed to try and get her to take the hint but she waited until I just changed them myself. On 18th October I went into labour,gave birth to my daughter, I had a huge bleed as soon as she came out plus 2nd degree tear and plus other lacerations which needed stitching too. I have been hoping yo breastfeed as I couldn't breast feed my first two due to the same issue of loosing a lot of blood after delivery and milk not coming in properly. After they sorted me out and I finally got to see my baby, I started breast feeding her, she was on for 20 minutes and my mother in law then just said " that's enough" and took my baby off my breast and out of my arms and gave her a bottle, the midwife who was in the room later spoke to me about this as she saw and told me I shouldn't be taking baby off the breast I should let her come off herself. I let it go because my mother in law has never seen one of her grandchildren be born.
I came home the next day,could barely walk with a 1 say old baby and the house was a mess,I came home and went upstairs and started crying whilst trying to clean in pain, his mum just turned round and said to me " oh I'm old I can't clean" (she's 49!) This is the woman who claimed she wanted to stay here at our house during her stay here in the UK to help so I could rest and recover. I cried many times about this to my husband but he always takes his mums side. Since then things have just got worse, the comments my mother in law has been making,
Such as , " stop picking the baby up she will get used to your smell" ( which hurt as she is my baby! She is supposed to be used to my smell) she has told me " your milk isn't enough for her so feed her a bottle before breast feeding her"
She's also given me dirty looks every time baby is hungry and she asks make her a bottle and I say no I want to breastfeed her and she gives me a dirty look and says ok.
She's called me " very fat" from the legs down on numerous occasions since I have given birth even though I am back down to my pre pregnancy weight 2 weeks after birth.
I took baby to school last wednsday after my older kids kept asking me to bring their new baby sister to school, she of course said she was coming even though I told my husband to tell her I wanted to go alone ( she doesn't speak great English) she won't let me bath baby,she takes her downstairs when my older 2 kids are at school and I just want to rest in bed with baby. She keeps putting pressure on me to bottle feed her and only give her my " breast milk at night" which I've explained will not help my already low supply. She says I can't go out until the baby is older and forces me to leave baby at home with her and pick kids up.
She ( forcefully) went to stay at my sister in law's house the last 5 days,and she has told my husband she is coming back on Friday because she apparently " can't stay away longer she needs to come back " my husband said those where the words.i started crying and begged him to just tell her to stay at his sister's longer because I can't cope with her,she takes over,she doesn't advise she tells me what to do and my husband just lets her say and do whatever she wants to me and sides with her. I don't know what to do honestly,I don't want an argument with my husband as I should be enjoying my last baby as she is our last one. I don't want to cause problems but I don't want her coming back here,I've enjoyed the last 5 days at home with my 3 kids,I've managed,cooked,cleaned took the kids out everything on my own and managed just fine ( as I knew I would this is my 3rd not 1st) it's ruined my last few days with my kids as well at the though of her coming back.
Aibu ? I really can't cope and she's making me I'll,I don't know what the best way to go about this is? As I know if I say something to my husband it will all kick off but at the same time I know I can't go on like this.

A worrying thought - is he likely to want her to move here? Is that possible?

Your husband is an abusive piece of shit with a very strange relationship with his mother.

You only get one life, OP. Is this really how you want to live it, taking repeated, ongoing verbal abuse from a pathetic excuse for a man and his offensive bitch of a mother? You deserve more. Get yourself and your poor children away from them.

My db and my sil reverted to Islam some fifty years ago and that is not how the mother of a newborn should be treated

@ZeeB68 this whole thread is just heartbreaking. I wish I could give you a huge hug - and give your witless husband and his controlling mum a good talking to!

This toxic relationship can't be allowed to continue under the guise of it being cultural difference. Some things are objectively unacceptable - and as a South Asian Muslim too, let me reassure you that no decent human being of any faith or culture would act the way your husband and his mother are.

It's outrageous that she's trying to sabotage your breastfeeding... Maybe you could remind her that it's considered one of the most blessed things a woman can do in Islam, and that it's encouraged until the child is 2 years old.

Seems like your husband could also do with a reminder of his Islamic responsibilities to care for his wife and children, practically and emotionally - that "the best of men are those who are good to their wives".

And they both need a reminder that privacy is a major part of Islamic etiquette and her forcing herself into your space and taking your baby off your breast and generally being disrespectful of your privacy is unacceptable.

I really hope you're able to put yourself and your sweet baby first. Honestly, to hell with your toxic MIL and useless husband. Get your mum down ASAP - you don't need your husband's permission. And honestly if all else fails, LTB...he seems married to his mum anyway.

Good luck!

you poor thing. Is there any chance you could pack up and go to your mum's?

You are not gonna get rid of her unless you get rid of the husband. They come as a package which cannot be dismantled. it's cultural to a large extend too. I have been there. what is the housing situation? Do you rent/own? Would packing him a back and telling him to join his mum and sister and option?

@Feraldogmum

I'll be very clear here, you need to get out. Others have said you are in an abusive relationship, that's obvious but you are literally being kept prisoner.
Your MIL isn't stalking you out of concern or even malice ,she's keeping an eye on you,making sure you cannot get away.
You are not allowed others In the home, no help escaping this prison.
You've said your husband has threatened to leave you,do you honestly believe he will leave without the kids?
He has every opportunity to whisk them off to Pakistan.
Your Mil is abusive to your older daughter, do you want her raised feeling like she's worthless and more importantly married off to goodness knows who,if she does get abducted by your husband .
You are being abused, don't let your children become victims in this.
Encouragement to confront your husband and MIL is meant well ,but in this situation at best won't work,at worst dangerous as it could provoke a bad outcome.
Don't involve your SIL, her first loyalty is to her immediate family . You wait until there is an opportunity to be alone, call your mum,tell her you are coming ( if you can make a call without being heard) .Your mum can sort out with the relevant agencies a refuge for you and the kids ,your husbands first port of call will be your mums so you cannot stay there. You also need to speak to the police,tell them your children are at risk of abduction.
If there's an opportunity when you will be alone for a short while, maybe under the guise of visiting with your SIL with your kids, you take the opportunity and run. If MIL won't let you go anywhere without you,wait till husband is at work,she's either asleep or in bathroom, get kids and leave.
Please don't join the legion of women who's kids have been stolen from them.

This is such good advice that I wanted to quote it in full here.

And make sure you take your personal and kids’ documents and passports

I think mil is still with sil so hopefully there’s time on your own ?

Take the kids and you leave. Make it work.

This cunt of a man and his fucked uo mother are ruining your life.

@shrubgreen thank you! The issue I'm having is because I lost a lot of blood during the birth my milk supply is low,luckily enough my mil wasn't here today when my midwife came round to weigh baby, baby has lost a bit of weight since I've tried cutting down on the forumla and trying to breast feed her more to get my supply up since my mil has been gone.
It's really breaking my heart the feeding situation, the dirty looks she gives and the constant " your not getting enough milk" I came down the other day and actually shouted at her and my husband because I told them not to give baby a bottle because I wanted to breastfeed and I came downstairs to mil giving her a bottle.
My mum thinks my mil is being like this regarding breastfeeding because she wants to take control and with me feeding the baby she can't be.
She keeps putting guilt on me when all's I'm trying to do is breastfeed and get my supply up,
Telling me baby isn't my only child so I should stop treating her like she's my only child, that all this feeding will make my other 2 children jealous and upset and I'm not giving them enough attention or taking care of them properly
These are the comments which are hurting me most.
It's just not fair really

I would call the Health Visitor & explain all this - sounds like an awful situation and not good for your health or baby's.

@ZeeB68 the milk issues are the tip of the iceberg.

The main issue is the behaviour of your MIL and DH. No one wants to break up a family but your husband isn’t looking after you the way that he should. Please pack everyone up and go to your mum’s.

Your mother is right. Your MIL is sabotaging you out of a power trip. Both she and your "D"H are abusing you. You need to leave.

THIS ^

And then you need to leave your useless, abusive husband. Because his neglect of you and his children is abusive.

You've had 3 children with this man. I'm not going to ask why, but you know this isn't going to get any better.

I agree. Try and get the health professionals to advocate for you.
I would stop ding things for your MIL. You have just had a difficult birth. She should be helping you.

I agree that if it is possible you should try and stay with your mum for a while, preferably before the rest of your husband's extended family come to visit. If you can't get away I would do nothing to welcome the family. Don't tidy up, don't get extra food in. Put yourself first.

I don't often think this but leave 100% leave. Both your MIL and husband sound abusive and things will only get worse. RUN 🚩🚩🚩

You would be safer, better, happier almost anywhere else. Your mil is a nasty bitch and your husband is unsupportive and abusive. They are destroying you and your relationship with tour side of the family because they do do not want you to have support or an escape route. Get your mum to come down and go back with her. Take the kids. Put them in a school local to her. Make sure you protect your kids from being taken out of the country by your mil and husband as judging from their behaviour this is a possibility.

This.

This is genuinely terrible. Please confide in your mum. Do you actually love your husband? Because I would struggle to respect any man who put his mother above his wife in these circumstances. You know they will never change.

Imo you bf is the only thing stopping mil keeping your dc full stop.. With dh's support it seems. Maybe ask a friend to keep your dc's passports just in case.. They sound unhinged..

It's really breaking my heart the feeding situation, the dirty looks she gives and the constant " your not getting enough milk"

You answer should be "No I'm, not because I'm stressed and tired. Now please make me a cup of tea, run the hoover and leave me alone so I can rest and relax. Thank you"

You are being abused and bullied by your husband and his mother.

Unfortunately the only person who can change this is you.

Tell your GP and health visitor.

Ask for help.

Ring Women's aid for help.

I am so sorry.

Honestly reading all this is making me so angry on your behalf. You need to get back up to stop this situation. You need the Health Visitor or midwife or your sister in law or your own mum to come and speak with your husband and tell her your MIL needs to go.

You need to get a sling or wrap and fasten your baby to you. That way she can't take over and you can breastfeed your baby when you need to. If she continues to have bottles then your milk supply will dwindle and you will end up resenting your MIL forever for ending your breastfeeding journey. Perhaps its worth telling her and your husband this. That if she keeps taking over and criticising with the baby then she won't be welcome in the house again and won't have a relationship with her grandchildren at all.

You need to tell them this, and don't mince your words. Tell her she had her chance to raise her children and it is your turn and you won't be doing it her way.

Who does this to their dil

She should be helping you if she's staying not making more work

Makes me really angry that she criticises you try to feed your baby

Whenever she makes a nasty comment "can you stop Sandra! Your comments are unnecessary, if you cannot be kind or be helpful then you need to go stay at your daughters house. the stress your putting on me is making me unwell."

Just be blunt, to the point since your husband is a useless mummy's boy.

Oh @ZeeB68 if you were my friend I'd give you a massive hug. You're dealing with a lot right now. You're an experienced mother, stop doubting yourself. Your other children sound lovely, you clearly know better than your MIL. Try to rise above her comments and if you're really struggling, head to your mum's for support and let them both sort out getting the other two children to school.

to be honest, I am shocked that you still want to be with your husband and in this family
I would leave ASAP
stay with your mom- anything will be better than that
your daughter's watching how he and he's family is treating you- that's horrible