Don't want my mother in law to come back to stay with us

[ZeeB68]

Hi, so I've just given birth to my 3rd baby 2 weeks ago. My mother in law lives abroad and came over for the birth of the baby. Including my husband she has 3 children and 5 grandchildren before who she has never been able to see as babies or their births due to not being able to get a visa. My husband really wanted because of this that if this time his mum got a visa he wanted me to take his mum with me in the delivery room for the birth of our baby. She came here a month ago, I'm very independent and like my own space,my first two children are 8 and 6 so in full time school now,for the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy she wouldn't let me go out alone,not even to pick the kids up she would just bring herself along on school pick up, my appointments, a couple of times I just wanted to go shopping alone and she wouldn't let me go without her. She's here till January, even in the final 2 weeks of my pregnancy I didn't get to rest, she did nothing to help around the house, the bedsheets in her room were on for 2 weeks at that point so I put clean ones on the end of the bed to try and get her to take the hint but she waited until I just changed them myself. On 18th October I went into labour,gave birth to my daughter, I had a huge bleed as soon as she came out plus 2nd degree tear and plus other lacerations which needed stitching too. I have been hoping yo breastfeed as I couldn't breast feed my first two due to the same issue of loosing a lot of blood after delivery and milk not coming in properly. After they sorted me out and I finally got to see my baby, I started breast feeding her, she was on for 20 minutes and my mother in law then just said " that's enough" and took my baby off my breast and out of my arms and gave her a bottle, the midwife who was in the room later spoke to me about this as she saw and told me I shouldn't be taking baby off the breast I should let her come off herself. I let it go because my mother in law has never seen one of her grandchildren be born.
I came home the next day,could barely walk with a 1 say old baby and the house was a mess,I came home and went upstairs and started crying whilst trying to clean in pain, his mum just turned round and said to me " oh I'm old I can't clean" (she's 49!) This is the woman who claimed she wanted to stay here at our house during her stay here in the UK to help so I could rest and recover. I cried many times about this to my husband but he always takes his mums side. Since then things have just got worse, the comments my mother in law has been making,
Such as , " stop picking the baby up she will get used to your smell" ( which hurt as she is my baby! She is supposed to be used to my smell) she has told me " your milk isn't enough for her so feed her a bottle before breast feeding her"
She's also given me dirty looks every time baby is hungry and she asks make her a bottle and I say no I want to breastfeed her and she gives me a dirty look and says ok.
She's called me " very fat" from the legs down on numerous occasions since I have given birth even though I am back down to my pre pregnancy weight 2 weeks after birth.
I took baby to school last wednsday after my older kids kept asking me to bring their new baby sister to school, she of course said she was coming even though I told my husband to tell her I wanted to go alone ( she doesn't speak great English) she won't let me bath baby,she takes her downstairs when my older 2 kids are at school and I just want to rest in bed with baby. She keeps putting pressure on me to bottle feed her and only give her my " breast milk at night" which I've explained will not help my already low supply. She says I can't go out until the baby is older and forces me to leave baby at home with her and pick kids up.
She ( forcefully) went to stay at my sister in law's house the last 5 days,and she has told my husband she is coming back on Friday because she apparently " can't stay away longer she needs to come back " my husband said those where the words.i started crying and begged him to just tell her to stay at his sister's longer because I can't cope with her,she takes over,she doesn't advise she tells me what to do and my husband just lets her say and do whatever she wants to me and sides with her. I don't know what to do honestly,I don't want an argument with my husband as I should be enjoying my last baby as she is our last one. I don't want to cause problems but I don't want her coming back here,I've enjoyed the last 5 days at home with my 3 kids,I've managed,cooked,cleaned took the kids out everything on my own and managed just fine ( as I knew I would this is my 3rd not 1st) it's ruined my last few days with my kids as well at the though of her coming back.
Aibu ? I really can't cope and she's making me I'll,I don't know what the best way to go about this is? As I know if I say something to my husband it will all kick off but at the same time I know I can't go on like this.

I unfortunately agree.

You need to make it very clear to H that this is unaccetable and that he has to deal with it.

Either you go or the mil goes - she’s ruining your life right now and he’s being a prick

You cannot go on like this @ZeeB68

You need to leave your husband. He doesn't not put you first - he doesn't care about you or your needs.

You need to put yourself and your children first here.

you have a dh problem, not a mil problem. he's being a dick.

and she is here for another couple of months??? good heavens I would be in jail for attempted murder if i was you! you need to set her straight and tell her no! This is your baby, not hers!! Let her sleep in a filthy bed, at her age there is absolutely nothing which makes her incapable of changing bed sheets and using a washing machine. your hubby needs to get some balls and tell her to go!

Yep this

Stop letting them walk all over you. And until you say something to her she won't stop,these women need putting in their place and the son will never do it.ever. if you allow this to continue she will get more demanding so you need to tell her yourself if it results in a full out argument then so be it, but trust me she will come crawling back after so just let rip OP. Your husband will be annoyed for awhile but u need to stand up for yourself now and he too will fall into line and if he doesn't then honestly bide your time and come up with a plan but what he is doing is nothing in line with Islam and as a revert you should stand your ground. Right for him to provide for you and kids, right as a women to have your own space/home. Right to breastfeed for 2 years islamically, right for 40 days of rest etc. you just need to set boundaries and quite frankly speak up because he's taking the piss and so is she, there's nothing islamic about it, they're doing the exact opposite if anything! Tell her to make you the traditional pakistani food for post birth - busy her with tasks like that so she feels of use and give her specific tasks.

Surely she needs to leave so there's space for your own mother to come and stay...?

Somethings are more important than school.

get you and the children to your Mums, give yourself some space so you can step back and think about what next.

Absolutely pack your kids up and go to your moms for a few days. air it clear to your husband that you won't be coming back while she is there. I think you need to show him you're serious.

@readingmakesmehappy
That's the point my husband won't let my mum stay, she has been asking too as she's only seen the new baby twice, the first time for a couple of hours at the hospital on the day she was born and the 2nd time last Saturday again Only for a couple of hours. She keeps asking when she can stay over to spend time with the kids and new baby but every time I ask my husband about her staying he says no.

@ZeeB68 that's outrageous of him. Why is his mother more valuable than yours? Actually your mother is a much more desirable visitor because she'll actually help! If your mother can't come to you, then you should do as PPs suggest and go to her until MIL leaves. I am so sorry for you that your husband is not supporting you as he should.

@Crazycrazylady that's the thing,I genuinely believe he wouldn't care if I left and was serious he still wouldn't put anything before his mum. He's told me in the past that if " I make his mum uncomfortable to be at our house or made her feel unwelcome he would leave me "
I genuinely just believe he wouldn't care, they have a weird relationship. When my husband travels to Pakistan alone without me and the kids,he will sleep in the bed as his mum ( he's almost 31) whilst he's their, whilst I put the kids to bed and am upstairs he will stay downstairs with his mum spending time with her till 11pm/12am every night. They just have a very weird relationship, I understand it's his mum and I respect that,I have my own son too and love him unconditionally but I wouldn't expect him to be that way with me at almost 31 years old, I wouldn't go in-between him and his wife too I would encourage him to spend time with his wife and family not keep him seperate every night downstairs with me.
I know when it comes to his mum I have no space for him,that's the upsetting thing. But at the same time I don't want to leave him as we now have 3 children together. I think if he was on my side and supported me I would be able to cope with her because alot of the stuff she wouldn't do it. But I don't believe that day will ever come.

Absolutely this! I think it’s extra hard for reverts to fit in and they end up dominated by cultural customs rather than Islamic ones and don’t get the respect they deserve. So you need to set the boundaries according to your religion and not lift a finger. Even if it means the house is a mess etc. You will never please this woman so don’t try. She is not treating you like family. Your husband needs to be doing his duty by you. Bring your mum over as you need someone to care for you. If your mil and husband don’t like it they can go to SIL. But I would not want to stay with a man who has so little regard for my wellness and welfare.

"When my husband travels to Pakistan alone without me and the kids, he will sleep in the [same] bed as his mum"

Do you want your children learning that how you are being treated is normal?

You need to get you and your children out of the situation. Even if just for a few weeks to let you weigh up your options (and see how he responds when he realises you are going to stand up for yourself and your children)

I realise this sounds crazy OP - but in the light of your recent update, are you absolutely certain she is his Mum?

Stop asking your husband and tell him your mum is coming.

Or better yet - go stay with her

He cannot refuse your dm to stay when his does!! I would be presenting him with a packed bag and a 1 way ticket.. Get your dm over for support when you tell him to fuck off.

@TakeMe2Insanity
Yes all the kids are DH's.

His sister lives here,I am very close with her but again I'm not sure about bringing it up to her as she is also very close with her mum and I don't want to make it worse if she takes it the wrong way.
She isn't backwards minded though, I did speak to her indirectly on Sunday, as I am struggling with breastfeeding with low milk supply due to the blood loss I am having to top baby up with forumla, alot of the issues I'm having with my husband's mum is regarding the breastfeeding, she keeps saying I should give her the bottle of forumla before breastfeeding her,which I know very well I shouldn't do as that will further lower my supply not help it,I know better when it comes to that. I just mentioned it to my sister in law what she said and my sister in law said the same and said it's better for you to breastfeed her first before topping up with forumla,and if the older kids are clean and fed and the house is sorted then it's ok for me to spend the extra time breastfeeding her and trying to get my milk supply up.

That day I gave baby a bottle of forumla after breastfeedinf her because I was breastfeeding for so long and she still wasn't settling and as I was at my sister in law's house I topped her up as I couldn't keep sitting up stairs all night breastfeeding baby,my sister in law asked if she could feed the baby the bottle ( this was the first bottle I had topped her up with that day which was a big improvement and I was so happy!) SIL started feeding baby the bottle and my mother in law turned round and said " look how hungry she is drinking the bottle" and looked at me and gave me a dirty look. My sil just looked at her and didn't say anything.

I think my sister in law would understand and be supportive but I just don't know if I want to go their and make it worse.

It’s very simple, you need time to recover and your husband and his mother are not allowing that

so pack bag, take the baby and go and stay at your mothers for a couple of weeks

your husband and his mother can take care of the older two

Your latest update is absolutely awful. You are in an abusive marriage, it's that simple. Your poor DC and poor you. You need to leave and take the kids and divorce him ASAP. I don't know logistically how you'd do it, but you really need to.

There is no way I'd have married him and had not 1, but 3 children with him in the first place but it's done now. For god's sake don't live the rest of your life with this wet blanket mummy's boy though. Your children will see how he's treating you.

Do you still love your husband?
Do you still want to be with him?

I can't see why you would, I couldn't love someone who treated me like that.

If you can, and you don't still love and want to be with him, I would leave. Permanently. I know life is bloody hard with a newborn but it doesn't sound like you're getting much, if any, help from him.

I would be telling your husband your mum is staying with you, not asking. If his mum can stay for months, your mum can stay a few nights - or however long you like.

If moving in with your mum is an option, do that. I know it's a massive upheaval for you and the older kids but staying is just not working.

As for dealing with the MIL. Do you need to bottle feed at all? Has it been advised by the midwives / HVs? Are you using them while the MIL is away? If not, get rid of the bottles, or stash them away somewhere. Before the MIL returns.

As you know, bfing works on supply and demand, so your supply can improve to replace the feeds you've been bottle feeding.
You don't need to let her take the baby when she tries.
If he wants to leave you because his mum feels unwelcome, let him. It sounds like you'd be better off without them both. Although I appreciate that brings a whole new world of custody and their influence on the kids when you're not with them etc. But I could not stay with a man like that.

^^ This op! A thousand times over this! Leave your dh to cope with his mother and take the baby and go and stay elsewhere; at your parents or at a friend’s. Tell them you are desperate. Don’t underplay it op. This is serious. You are being disrespected in your own home.

If the above is not feasible then you need a family member or friend to move in with you now to help you and protect you from your dh and mil.

it’s your home too. You have equal
say. Why should your dh have it all his way? I know you are tired but it’s really important that you assert yourself at this moment op. Good luck.

OP I think you have 2 options for right now: 1. Invite your mum to come and stay immediately. Don't need to run this by your husband. You don't need his permission, you need help. You are the one who needs someone to support you and he isn't prepared to do that. 2. Leave and go to your mum's with the kids. Take them out of school for a week.

Going forward, it sounds like your husband is doing fuck all to help you even though you've just given birth. Even without the extra shit your MIL is doing, he should be picking up the slack with cleaning, cooking and whatnot. Your MIL will go away at some point, but you'll still be with a man who watches you in pain and is okay with that rather than help. Think about that. And then leave him.