If you are lonely, do you ever feel even worse when trying to get out and do things with people? Volunteering, classes, etc?

[Manycupsofteaforme]

I'm probably not explaining well, but it's like everyone has their own real, main people in the form of their close family and friends, so even though it is nice and interesting to chat to people I meet out and about, it compounds the isolation in a way.

I do a small bit of volunteering in my local community and it is enjoyable but people naturally chat about their parents, kids etc and I feel myself taking a step back and mentally removing myself into a different category because they are 'normal' with rich tapestries of family and friend connections.

I have my lovely DP but my parents are dead and I can't have kids and I feel so awkward at best, and in a constant state of bereavement at worst. It will soon be Christmas, and I feel so isolated. I moved countries and really like where I live but I haven't made friends here, and over the years drifted from friends I had from uni etc.

Does anyone else find similar, that being around people who are lovely but who you are not close to actually makes you feel more lonely?

Don't get me wrong, I think the lowkey social activity I have when out and about is important because it meets a need to interact with other human beings, but I miss more meaningful friendships and connections.

Can anyone relate at all?

Same for me.

Yup me too

I can relate @Manycupsofteaforme I’m not the best at getting out there - and when I do I often find myself thinking that if I wasn’t there, nothing would be any different. Like I don’t seem to add anything by being there and people wouldn’t even notice if I wasn’t. I find it very demotivating to try and keep socialising in those circumstances.

Moving around a lot makes it difficult too, particularly not having kids. I always think that having kids would have made my life so much easier in many ways.

I’m always struck by a scene in Erin Brockovich when Julia Roberts is asked by her boss where her colleagues are and she says something like the girls have gone to lunch and her boss asks why she isn’t at lunch too, because she’s a girl… If only it was that simple!

I try to make an effort, without trying too hard, to nurture some new relationships but I don’t know, they don’t seem to “stick”.

So for now, I just try to embrace the superficial and keep it light. I have a nice lifestyle, a fun job, live in a picturesque place etc. but I’m also a very different type of person with different priorities to most of the people around here.

And yes, it is so very lonely, so you aren’t alone.

@Ladyof2022 I am sure people don’t despise you . I have a friend who lives alone and has no partner or family . She is a lovely generous person but I realised that even after 30 years as friends she rarely shares anything with me either good or bad . She is happy to come out, on holiday etc, if I make arrangements but rarely asks me to do anything as she thinks I might be busy with family. Also I realised over the years I have never seen her really let go and laugh . She is so guarded about everything and fiercely independent but I think she is quite vulnerable under the hard exterior. I wish she would “let me in” sometimes.

I am also someone who does not have any family or partner, although I do have a few friends, and I often feel like an outsider.

But to put a slightly different spin on this: I tend to get bored of people who can only talk endlessly about their kids/grandkids or partner/boyfriend or things like shopping...

I have had people like that at work who just always go on about their domestic life and don't seem to be able to talk about anything else and frankly it becomes just tedious after a while.

So the people I get on with usually have broader interests in life than just their family. Whether it is a shared interest (sports, hobbies) or just chatting about books, films or politics. I am interested in art, horses and many other topics and prefer to chat and socialise with people who have similar passions.

Maybe if you are passionate about something, have/can find a hobby you love try making connections that way so you can meet people who have something specific in common with you.

I have a friend who is obsessed with animals in general and does things like agility training and competitions and friends who like me enjoy painting and horse riding. We also chat about family stuff but there are lots of other topics we can discuss and relate to.

Ultimately there are many people in our situation (I know quite a few). It is a fallacy to think everyone has a happy family and loving partner and that you are a failure if you don't follow that template. Some people have a different path in life and even the ones who seem to have it all are not always that happy beyond close doors.

I can relate as well. I have a partner and a child but from a friendship perspective feel quite isolated: I'm not anyone's close friend, no one would pop over for a coffee/invite me over etc. I have a friend I meet for dinner maybe once every six months and friends from uni etc who message very occasionally but I envy those with friends. It hasn't always been like this but over time things have changed. I never really tell anyone that and feel quite sad that's the case. I always think if I was to die very few people would care beyond a few moments.
I've thought about joining groups but I'm too introverted to go on my own now.
I'm very aware when my dd grows up I'll be more isolated and I really need to be proactive about changing it.

Also I thought I'd meet friends through my dd and it hasn't really planned out that way. It's all been very light and temporary, or basically I've not been liked enough for the friendship to keep going. God it's very depressing, so few people admit to loneliness IRL.

I do some volunteering for people in crisis and the number one reason people contact us is loneliness. It's an epidemic. I'm definitely lonely and I'm embarrassed to say it. Parents died, no children, best friend of 30 years died and my 18 year relationship ended in January. I have a few friends and feel really lucky to have them but I'm essentially alone. Just been diagnosed with a brain tumour and it's brought it all in to very sharp focus. I've been very ill with it recently and have felt so utterly alone in the middle of the night with no one here and no one to call. Life is a very different experience when you do it by yourself.

Please don’t forget the phrase - don’t compare other peoples outsides with your insides.

even those who might look like they have a busy hectic family/social life might feel lonely. If they are at the book club/choir/sport group it’s because they want to be out with other people. Your ‘small’ interactions might be really valued by the person next to you. Maybe isn’t so connected to husband any more, or kids are growing up or driving her mad, or friends very busy. Please keep going to things and making connections big and small

Yes Joey1976 I could have written your post. And I recently broke my leg and it was so alarming how few people cared or checked on me. My parents were the ones who did all the running around after me and they are in their 70s and not in great health themselves.
I live in the same city I grew up in which makes it all the more embarrassing I havent even got the excuse of moving away from home.

one of my children often makes comments asking who my friends are. And it’s a bit awkward. I started volunteering recently but decided to go in to it as looking for something different to do rather than meeting people. Otherwise I think I am just going to be disappointed.

I’ve felt this way in my life. I can remember coming home sometimes from nights out and crying because I felt so alone. I tried classes and stuff to get myself out there but as you say, everyone else already had their own life. It all just made me feel worse.

The couple of times I thought I might have made a potential friend, they didn’t work out. One was really needy and wanted to always offload on me. The other was one of those annoying people that anything you talked about they were the authority on! I may have been lonely but I wanted to find people I’d look forward to seeing, not dread spending time with.

Honestly I gave up in the end. I don’t have a partner (and not looking) but I do have adult DC and a sister I’m close to. I got 2 very clingy cats! I’ve come to terms with it I guess. So I don’t really feel lonely now.

Genuine question: I'm interested in the perspective of those saying no one checks in when they are ill, or invites them to things.

Do you actively offer help/ check in when people are ill?

Do you invite people to things? Even suggesting a cup of coffee, or hosting a book club night?

I've found it's a lot of effort intially with friends and putting the offers out there. Some will take up the offer, others not. Some will reciprocate and become friends, others won't and so you stop offering.

I'm not an natural extrovert, so it feels a lot of effort tbh, but that's the way I've made friends over my lifetime from single, with young children and post children.

I'm also aware I've had a real busy few months with work and not put the invites out as much, so not recived that may in return.

I'm also aware I think people are more insular post covid and less likely to host things at their houses. Its rare we get invited to bbqs or people Houses and I don't hear it happening anywhere near as much - be it feeling judged their house is too small/ messy, younger people without their own spaces to host.

@Eyeballpaula yes. Always offer help. I think there’s been a culture shift. When I was injured a few years ago, a lot of help came my way. Now no one wants to help with anything. I thought it was my fault initially. If it wasn’t for MN I might still think that.

I don’t know if I’ll offer help in future or at least I will be very selective.

Also I did a lot of organising group things in the past, negotiating discounts etc. I found people started asking me what I was doing next for them and even tried to hand things to me to organise for them!

Yes! I feel most lonely around other people. I can't explain it properly, even to myself, but if I'm on my own and feel safe I feel less alone than when socialising. Being with other people just reinforces my loneliness.

The best way I can describe it is an instance when I was in the pub with a group of friends a couple of decades ago. I was involved in the chat, then suddenly I felt like I was drifting out of it. Away from them, like I wasn't there anymore. Nothing had changed in their behaviour to make me feel like that. I just felt like I wasn't part of the group.

This thread makes me terrified of my future. I am an only child with no children of my own. I am 36, so unlikely to have any. I do have a very nice partner, but if anything happens to him, I am entirely on my own. I am genuinely so scared and riddled with anxiety about it on a daily basis. I've started to wish my life was over already so I was free from this worry (although I am not going to act upon that).

Ah, here you all are. I kept thinking, surely I can’t be the only one in this position.

The pandemic made me realise how alone I am. I didn’t have a single face-to-face chat with anyone for a year and a half apart from where I was volunteering a day or two a week. Of course the pandemic was challenging for everyone in different ways, but it made me realise how different it was for me when I went home, compared to my colleagues who had a partner or family. When I had Covid, what upset me the most was that there was no one to even bring me a cup of tea.

The comment about not being the ‘main person’ for anyone else sticks with me. That describes it exactly. When I moved house, a few friends offered help, but then couldn’t on the day as they were working. So I managed everything alone, yet again. I don’t blame them at all for that- friends aren’t going to take a day’s leave to help out, whereas a partner or family might. When my elderly parents have a problem hundreds of miles away, friends aren’t going to rally around or share the long drive with me- they simply can’t just drop things for me like that even if they wanted to.

So I have a few friends but I’m kind of an extra in their lives. I’d love to be able to join groups or weekly classes locally but I work irregular and anti-social hours (in a job I love, so don’t want to give up) so it’s not really possible.

Loneliness is definitely taboo. Mention the word and everyone thinks of elderly people stuck at home, not people like me. I feel like I’m the invisible lonely. I’m genuinely scared I’m one of those people that will lie there for weeks if I pass away unexpectedly at home. I don’t know what the solution is.

Yes, I can identify with all of these posts - what a shame we couldn't form our own network in real life! My thirties were really tough. If work hard all week only for the weekend's to come round and had absolutely nothing g to do as all my friends were wrapped up in their own family life / kids. The occasional meal out would be my salvation from loneliness but again, it was marred by knowing for them it as "just" a night out, nothing special whereas for me it was everything ! As time goes on I've got used to it . It still occasionally hurts that I'm no ones priority and never will be. I do have a very close male friend in a similar position with no children , close family or partner so we do a lot of things together - holidays/ gigs/trips away etc and we've become each others emotional support network but this will change when he eventually gets coupled up. Even this relationship raises eyebrows with people insinuating that there must be something more to out relationship but Ive learnt to stop justifying it. What would they prefer? For me to spend every day alone whilst they are with their families?! I understand it's unconventional but I desperately wanted to take the normal path in life but despite my efforts, it just didn't happen.

Hi OP,
Yes-I feel the same. Everyone may be very friendly with me but the truth of the matter is, even if I did make close friends, they'll always have someone closer to them than they are to me.

I've tried bellringing but I wasn't very good, and the whole thing made me quite nervous, and everyone was older and/or with families.

I went to the gym to do gymnastics but again, I didn't really feel able to get into it. The people I was friendliest with there were husband and wife. I gave up on that.

I have a close (male) friend at the pub, I've even become quite friendly with his own (young adult) children who join us when they're back from university but he goes home to his wife (I'm gay, purely platonic).

I have my parents but although me and my Mother are best friends and do do things together, I can't rely on her for it all-she has my Dad (and we're not particularly friendly with one another).

I go to a different gym now to weight lift. It makes me feel better about myself and my body which is helpful but it isn't going to be a loneliness cure.

I have a DP but, ugh (see my latest thread if you like)-I think that's going to be gone soon and if I am honest, that has probably made me more lonely in different ways.

Wonder if there are any 'societies' for people like us...

@EmpressSoleil I feel that way too. I remember in my twenties I'd just go to the pubs most nights and get drunk. All my friends did too but I went home to an empty house. It was awful. I had a boyfriend then (I came out not long after that) who just would only see me twice a week but only to go and get drunk never anything more. I've always been nothing to people.

When my ex left in 2017, I tried the same again only it is far less fun in one's late thirties! I remember putting my key in the door and thinking 'What's the point?'

'Putting oneself out there' can often make you realise that you feel more like a social pariah.

I'm an only child, no children.

I don't know what the answer is.

Hugs to everyone in this position.

Are a lot of you only children, may I ask? I never minded being an only child until suddenly this year, it hit me how it has impacted by life and how lonely I really have been (especially during the Covid years).

I so wish we could form our own network. Is there anything we could do within the rules of Mumsnet?

I hear you. I’ve recently made some lovely friends but in my early 40s now. One thing that used to frustrate me (and still does a bit) is how people would go into so much detail about what they were doing with other people knowing you weren’t included.

I once went out ice skating with someone and our daughters on New Year’s Eve. I paid for the skating and the drinks. She spent a long time telling me what she was doing that evening but didn’t invite me. She had a big birthday soon after and after saying she wasn’t doing anything I happened to walk past her house at the time when a party (full of several people she had told me she hadn’t seen much for years) was clearly in full swing. I cried all the way to the supermarket. The other friends in her group are the same.

I am still friends with her and I do really like her mostly but I’ve never forgotten the hurt and am very cautious. It was years ago now.

I've just remembered I started a thread a few months back about finding a sense of community when you don't have any / much family. There were some helpful ideas, so thought I would share it here too:

Where to find a strong sense of community and make a difference | Mumsnet

@Strawberriesandpears (and others) am I an only child??

I've never really worked it out!

One sibling 17 years my senior. Had already left home when I were born. Not close. Different Father. Brought up alone.

Maybe we could have a WhatsApp group or similar? Or fb page?

I think a lot of people who have lots of family around etc are quite thoughtless when speaking to someone who is obviously on their own.

And as a PP mentioned, it's quite boring when someone is just talking about their family all the time.