If you are lonely, do you ever feel even worse when trying to get out and do things with people? Volunteering, classes, etc?

[Manycupsofteaforme]

I'm probably not explaining well, but it's like everyone has their own real, main people in the form of their close family and friends, so even though it is nice and interesting to chat to people I meet out and about, it compounds the isolation in a way.

I do a small bit of volunteering in my local community and it is enjoyable but people naturally chat about their parents, kids etc and I feel myself taking a step back and mentally removing myself into a different category because they are 'normal' with rich tapestries of family and friend connections.

I have my lovely DP but my parents are dead and I can't have kids and I feel so awkward at best, and in a constant state of bereavement at worst. It will soon be Christmas, and I feel so isolated. I moved countries and really like where I live but I haven't made friends here, and over the years drifted from friends I had from uni etc.

Does anyone else find similar, that being around people who are lovely but who you are not close to actually makes you feel more lonely?

Don't get me wrong, I think the lowkey social activity I have when out and about is important because it meets a need to interact with other human beings, but I miss more meaningful friendships and connections.

Can anyone relate at all?

I know skaty just easier do things on my own now since all this

@Hangryhelena Your comments are genuine and fair. Your needs aren't being taken into account. You learn to keep busy and fill your time because you have to.

Agree with colleagues not being friends. Found that out the hard way after becoming redundant after nearly twenty years where we really got on and thought of them as friends. They disappeared. Personally I would stay in a good job as if you find another purely for friendship, there's too much to lose whilst gaining nothing.

Thanks @allaloneandlost , the hours and pay are good (because the staff turnover is high I expect) but everyone gossips about each other and my boss couldn’t care less about his staff, yes he lets me get on with it and doesn’t micromanage at all but he never checks in with me or ask how I’m doing, he’s more interested in talking sport with his male colleagues . No Christmas card or even a thanks this year (which costs nothing) .

However, you’re so right in that I’d have a lot to lose if I made good friends and had to leave , at least this way I’ve learnt to completely detach mentally , this year there’s been a lot less unpaid overtime and doing favours for colleagues which as a result means I do less work for the same pay! Thank you for that insight, I never looked at it that way before :-)

There’s a part of me that thinks they got the hump with me because I wasn’t around so much to listen to their personal woes so much , there was a lot of drama & emotional events going on in their lives and yet I’ve realised they’ve never asked me about my life and hardly know anything about me.

I’m so sorry you were made redundant and found your colleagues disappointing, that must have been really difficult. 😞 have you been able to find a new job at all?

@TheBunnyLover I agree. It can feel a lot of effort planning this and that. A few posters on here have said "Although I have a DC and DH etc" we'll try not having those and coming back to an empty house every day. I have no children, partner, and a very elderly parent who you can't hold a conversation with. I am no one's priority. When I was with someone going to the cinema on my own or going to a nice restaurant on my own at lunch felt a lot better than it does now because it was a choice to be alone.

I hear you in that. Same here. Extremely fractured family which I'm cut out of, an elderly parent who is very sick and can't conversate any more, no partner, no children.... I agree, people don't appreciate the fact that a husband and children means you have someone! It's not the same as being totally alone looking at four walls and being no ones priority ever. I had a friend once who used to forever bemoan her DH and lean on me for support, but would skip merrily back to him at the end of a catch up whilst telling me constantly ' oh you're so much better off being single '. I didn't have a bloody choice in the matter yet she could leave her husband at the drop of a hat if he was so awful. Funny how she never took that route - maybe being alone is not so great after all! I'm not saying people can't be lonely in relationships or should stick with horrible partners for the sake of it, but a little understanding that being childless and partner less with no extended family, is no walk in the park and is certainly not a life decision that many of us actively choose.

@Hangryhelena Thanks for replying. That's a shame you're not included and unappreciated. The culture of your workplace is not great rather than the actual work and conditions. Sorry you didn't even receive a thank you, that's awful.

Understandable you're looking for friendship and a better working environment. If you find similar pay and conditions with friendships, brilliant! But if you leave a good job for that into something with worse pay and conditions to find friends only to find the same or merely transitional friendships, you're loads worse off.

Yes people don't like it when you start asserting yourself but it's one-sided so shows their true colours.

I found another job straightaway thanks. Pleasant colleagues. I haven't pushed for friendship though. It's such a shame former colleagues disappeared after there was no problem and we got on so well. There's only so many times you can invite. It's career first and happy to get on with people for the sake of the job. If friendships form, great.

@OnlyTheBoresKnowItAll@Livelifelaughter

Yes, this baffles me on here

I never wanted children.

and I didn't particularly want a partner when I had really good friends but now starting to think perhaps I made a mistake there. At least I'd have someone in emergencies etc.

The elderly parent thing makes everything so much harder though. I realise some of my thoughts are being warped by that.

A friend of mine is an awful marriage, the type on the surface that appears successful, nice holidays, big house, children in private school....she would be very well off still on a divorce...but she stays because she said she felt she would rather be in an shit marriage than on her own, really because there's someone there for her.... assuming he doesn't leave her for the woman he is clearly having an affair with.

I feel like this all the time. I often meet up with people I've known years and they always suggest meeting up but when I try to arrange something, I never get any response. I've also joined numerous groups and activities but a lot of the time there are either cliques or nobody has any real interest in speaking to anyone else. I think the advice to join groups or clubs can come from a well meaning place sometimes, but ultimately if you are the one making all the effort all the time, it can feel incredibly lonely.

I am very much the same. In fact I only feel connected to people who share my spiritual interests or love of dogs. I don't feel on the same wavelength as those who talk about family, kids. TV, activities etc.

I also volunteer and I like the routine but like you I feel very apart from the others who lead different lives.

What has helped me is trying to find people who share similar interests (much easier said than done, I know) AND enjoying my own company.

Have you tried Meet Up to find likeminded people?

@whizzerandtopper thank you. I agree. It's a feeling of not being relaxed at all, or for me the fear of coming across as needy. I much prefer a couple asking to join me than the other way around.