If you are lonely, do you ever feel even worse when trying to get out and do things with people? Volunteering, classes, etc?

[Manycupsofteaforme]

I'm probably not explaining well, but it's like everyone has their own real, main people in the form of their close family and friends, so even though it is nice and interesting to chat to people I meet out and about, it compounds the isolation in a way.

I do a small bit of volunteering in my local community and it is enjoyable but people naturally chat about their parents, kids etc and I feel myself taking a step back and mentally removing myself into a different category because they are 'normal' with rich tapestries of family and friend connections.

I have my lovely DP but my parents are dead and I can't have kids and I feel so awkward at best, and in a constant state of bereavement at worst. It will soon be Christmas, and I feel so isolated. I moved countries and really like where I live but I haven't made friends here, and over the years drifted from friends I had from uni etc.

Does anyone else find similar, that being around people who are lovely but who you are not close to actually makes you feel more lonely?

Don't get me wrong, I think the lowkey social activity I have when out and about is important because it meets a need to interact with other human beings, but I miss more meaningful friendships and connections.

Can anyone relate at all?

It's such a rare thing to find these days where people are genuine friends on both sides and keep in touch by mutual convenience. Yes, because it's great you were both open to being friends regardless. That's how true friendships grow and that's when brilliant life experiences happen.

Thanks for being so kind and replying. It is such an amazing and supportive forum! No children either but was looking for a forum to learn and communicate with others.

Glad your procedure went well and you were looked after. NHS staff tend to check if somebody's on their own as many are now to ensure the care's given :)

I am 58, no close family and never have any contact with all the rest. Long time married. Some bumpy times, but we are best friends. We have been more like siblings for years. He has some family, but they are not close both emotionally and in distance.

I am happy in my own company but the last year or so I have started to panic about how alone we are. Nobody checked in on us during covid. our neighbour is not community minded, there was no banging saucepan lids for the NHS or any neighbourly checking in.The only conversations we had were with colleagues, superficial chats. DH actually had a breakdown during the winter lockdown. Being so alone didn't help. He missed his work colleagues, who he thought of as his mates, but lockdown broke that, and whilst they all exchange messages, they never meet up. If they arrange to, it gets cancelled, because the others have commitments like families and Bigger Lives. I know he looks forward to seeing them but he is now resigned that they are just superficial acquaintances now.

We just have each other. I have started to feel guilty that I have made him so alone, although it is just circumstances. i see his personality change, used to be up for a laugh, now quite grumpy and down. But that might just be age!

I worry about what we are going to do as we age. I know my husband does too. I keep thinking I hope I die before him, but then I worry about him and think, no, I hope he goes first. I think about this a lot now. What if we get ill. How would we cope? Who would care? Nobody is the answer which sounds self pitying but true. I do think one of us will die alone and not be discovered for months. Such a gruesome thought.

I have been mainly working from home but now going into the office more regularly. This makes me feel lonely, going into the office, more so than actually being at home. All the cliques have families and kids. If I am included in a chat I feel like a little wisp of a person floating around the edges. I thought I had a strong personality but I feel like as I have aged I am like a Polaroid photo, the colour is leaching away. I have one work friend who I can be open with, but it's mainly her telling me about her troubles, I don't get much time to air any of my worries. It is not a close friendship.

To make more connections you are told to be open and interested in others. I do that, in a non expectant way, just trying to be friendly. Rarely is it reciprocated. But then I probably couldn't reciprocate in the same way that they do. I don't have the same life with all the connections. I don't have big family Christmasses (God am I glad when Boxing Day comes, ta ta for another year.) I can't chat about school things or empty nests - it's all alien. I can't actually be myself.

We have a great life, we go on great holidays and have some fantastic experiences- but lately, as we have aged, I just feel anxious about the loneliness that is heading our way at some point soon. It is like a great big cloud. I try not to compare lives, and be grateful, and live in the moment, but it is hard. As others have said, being lonely and on the margins of life is a taboo. People don't like being with lonely people, they fear it is catching.

I know also you can have loads of family and friends but hate your life. Plus carehomes are full of people with families but infrequent visitors, so there are no guarantees in life. But it is a harsh world out there, you need people in your corner, but for a lot of people, there just isn't anybody. I am lucky I have my DH. But I do worry about what we are going to face. It has been consuming my thoughts a lot lately. We are running out of track.

Quite the essay. First time I have really thought about all the disparate things that bother me. Best wishes to all of you who have shared your stories. Very thought-provoking.

I just wanted to say to the childfree people on this thread. I have DC, but at least 3 of my closest friends are childfree. It isn't necessarily a huge chasm between us. I tend to talk about our common interests anyway, not my DC. I save DC talk for my sister and mum. Also, while I have found making friends in later life very hard, I have made some. Don't give up hope!

My own DH is a massive introvert and not interested in making friends, which does not help. He has quite a "peoply" job, so he is all talked out by the time he gets home.

Just watched this insightful video:

Thanks @wavingfuriously I enjoyed that
i think I would have to go back a long way to very old friends some of which I don’t see too often as they live far away.

Thanks @wavingfuriously . I do like that.

It helps me to talk to friends online. I sent mesgs to people asking how they're doing. And have a couple I will video call for a chat. Also helps to keep the radio on when I am in alone. I'm just discovering these things really. The dog also helps but in a way, they can make you a bit more isolated too (e.g. can't go for a day/night out with someone if you do get the opportunity, well not without a sitter).

Finally found time to watch the video.

Thinking about it the friends I have that do tick some of those boxes are all people I became friends with organically. I don't know if you can actively seek out that sort of connection.

Thank you for the video. I’ve saved it to watch again when I feel I need. I’ve only just been catching up with all the comments over the last week. Thank you @Manycupsofteaforme for starting this thread. It’s been so interesting to read everyone’s thoughts on the subject.

I’ve just had a big birthday which was always going to be a harsh reality check. Also I’m acutely aware that Christmas is looming. I don’t know whether I’ll be working yet. Ironically, I don’t mind spending actual Christmas Day alone, (although I appreciate others feel differently.) However I usually get lots of comments from colleagues saying I can’t possibly spend it by myself, it’s just not right, etc etc. I always want to reply- Look, I spend all year alone, but it doesn’t cross your mind any other time, does it?

Just wanted to express solidarity with others who dread the festive season.

@Ginghamcat I feel similarly about xmas.

I'm feeling particularly down this week. I've just been out walking my dog in the dark and thinking about how much nicer it'd be if I could walk with someone else.

My 'DP' is 2 hours away and has no intention of moving although always said she would.

I've had a particularly lonely weekend. Just felt so bereft and like I am on the outside of the world looking in, somehow undeserving of things everyone else I know gets. I don't have much motivation to do anything.

My aforementioned lovely man friend has been of help-he randomly messaged me some funny things earlier and we had a drink together on Thursday night.

I just keep on breathing and hoping I guess.

I just came across this thread and could relate a lot to so many people here. I too feel lonelier when I manage to put myself out there. I'm neurodiverse and also a lesbian and have found even communities relating to both of those haven't been very welcoming. I've put myself out there time and time again but just feel a little burnt out at the moment. I'm not sure what the answers are

I can relate to so much on this thread too. I'm single and don't have kids, my parents are dead and although I've got 3 close friends I don't see them very often. Two friends live quite a distance away so it's not easy to get together. I occasionally get invited to go cycling with some acquaintances but they spend most of the time chatting to each other about their partners and children, which isn't a coversation I feel like I can contribute to, and just underlines how lonely I am (they're also a bit faster than me, which doesn't help!). I've just joined a local womens cycling club so I hope I can meet people there. I'm pretty rubbish at social things and my ex once suggested I might have autism, which I dismissed at the time, but maybe he had a point. I score highly on those online autism questionnaires but obviously that's not a proper diagnosis. I was very depressed around this time last year and now thats improving, I've decided to try to do something to improve my social life and I hope meet some people who become good friends.

@Volcanowoman can identify with what you said, but thanks for an uplifting post, there's always hope👍 if someone is alive and well, they are lucky!

@skatykatie I'm gay too. I've not tried with such communities but I am sorry you've had that experience. How were they unwelcoming?
I'm in a lesbian chat group but that's it-they seem to just make small talk which can be nice (to have someone to update with as to how your day is going can't do harm I suppose).

I was extremely lonely in my 20's. I had my own house and job but didn't have friends to share my life. I seemed to be relegated to the 'Sunday friend.' Weekends were really long and I used to run up huge phone bills (it was the 80's) talking to an old friend from uni who was in the same boat (but 400 miles away). Things gradually got better. A new job and a chance meeting with my now DH. My youngest son has SN and that is isolating - I didn't make school gates friends. I still find making friends hard. I have to balance work and caring responsibilities and think I am now quite brittle and angry. Those old 'Sunday friends' still exist but are still only around at certain times which are convenient to them - it makes me sad. This weekend my eldest son is at a big party being held by his girlfriends parents. Sometimes I envy that ability to fill your life with people but just can't do it myself.

Yeh, sometimes I feel disconnected from the conversation going on around me.

I spent my 40s trying to meet somebody, it (the search) made me miserable, being single was not making me unhappy. Lately I've had thoughts about applying this logic to my 'social life". It's a real effort to find people to socialissues with. I'm often de-prioritised, cancelled, excluded, forgotten, I say that without self Pitt at this point. But I sometimes feel awkward and embarrassed, trying to round up friends. I've wondered if I should give up trying. Just accept my isolation.

@PattyDukeAstin Very hard isn't it and to know what the answers are.

@ChanelNo19EDT Same here.

Shame this affects so many and have no answers anymore.

Just an update:

Sad but proud as a few people have cancelled or tried to keep rearranging and after being a pushover with many in the past, put a stop to that and lowered expectations.

Very sadly stopped volunteering due to gossipy cliquey behaviours. Some were very kind but very unfriendly atmosphere. Plenty leaving which is a waste of everybody's time and the charity's money training people. Got another thread about that.

A lady from there wanted to keep in touch and is also on her own. Fine but a few times now after "really wanting to meet" I've waited for 30 - 40 minutes. I take a book and have a hot drink inside. Was going to go after 45 minutes last time but she arrived. Then she couldn't stay as had a hobby to go to. No mention of this when arranging. Why not have picked another evening? She did apologise tbf.

She messaged twice asking to meet three weeks ago but I've had workmen and urgent house repairs so couldn't and said I'd arrange when things were sorted. I'd rather be upfront. I messaged as promised and we were supposed to meet tomorrow but she changed the arrangements a few times. In the end I politely messaged best to leave things for now as she's busy which was accepted. Being really honest I don't want to meet her again. Too much messing about.

Tried to meet for months with acquaintances who very kindly cooked me a meal New Year's day to return the invite. Never available so stopped asking.

Night school tutor wanted to arrange a Christmas drink for tonight. Fine. Messaged him lunchtime to check as him and students say they're coming but very unreliable. I'm not on Whatsapp, sm and have nobody's numbers. He was vague and looked like nobody going. Apparently now another class are going out tomorrow if I'd like to join but declined invites. Nobody might turn up again as these people have form for this and I don't live locally.

All smashing people who I get on great with but can't be bothered anymore with their unreliability even though it makes me sad and keeps me lonely. Things crop up sometimes and fair enough if somebody's ill or something but it's constant. I have better things to do and more self-respect these days than to keep chopping and changing and wasting time. Shame it comes to that.

I can really relate to this thread, I think this time of year makes it worse as well.

i have a very loving DH (my best friend), a brilliant DS (10) and 3 cats, yet I feel super super ungrateful because I feel so lonely. Been at my workplace 20 years and we all used to be close and go out often , since covid they’ve stopped inviting me out and messaging and never got to the bottom of why which hurts. I wfh most of the week now whereas they don’t which might be the reason but I’ve realised they saw me as a colleague / someone to pass the time rather than a friend. They all talk about things that have happened when I’m not there which makes me feel left out.

I’ve tried making friends through school mums, old school friends and hobby groups but can’t seem to break through that superficial level of talking about the weather or stuff going on in the world even though I listen and show interest in their lives and invite them round or out for dinner. Always met with “we must do that sometime” etc but can never pinpoint a date.

I’ve tried being friendly with neighbours but they are all older than me and appear to be busy with their own lives. My parents, siblings and entire family are toxic and have left me out of big family events for no reason, I had to come off social media so as not to see their photos and gushing posts to each other.

I don’t know what the solution is, I’m lucky compared to some, I realise that, but I just worry if something happened to my husband and when my DS flies the nest I’m going to be completely on my own and that terrifies me.

@Hangryhelena Awful to be left out and realise people you thought were friends or you tried to be didn't bother.

This time of year is so difficult.

for all posters here.

I’ve even asked DH a few times to consider moving to a new area, he’s reluctant as it means moving away from his elderly parents, work and DS would lose his friends etc, he doesn’t really understand why I can’t make friends either but doesn’t see it as a problem as such , probably because I’m at home for them most of the time!

i’m either working, doing a hobby, making crafts, DIY/doing up the house, always projects on the go, currently have a list on my phone I’m working through. I’ve even tried to get a new job and leaving my really secure one but the job search has been fruitless so far and I know that I shouldn’t rely on work colleagues for friendship, past experience has shown that. I love the current job but would love to meet new people. I went for a couple of interviews this year which seemed to go well but didnt hear back/ no feed back despite chasing which made it so much worse.

Sorry for the pity party, I’m bored and lonely, and have so much to offer. I’m generous, kind, fantastic sense of humour and a great friend. I have no one to invite over for Christmas or celebrate new year with except my wonderful DH and DS. It’ll be another year going to bed early and crying on NYE. Sounds so ungrateful doesn’t it. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me and it hurts.

Yes!
Going home to an empty, silent house where nothing has changed since you left it. Every single time.
I don’t think people realise how many empty hours there are between those few social events.

Thank you for the empathy @MagpiePi
I've kind of got used to it but now and again my imagination kicks in and I envision someone being there to share my day with, choose a TV program with or cook for or just, anything really. I cuddle my dog a lot!

Loneliness is such a taboo still.
Especially amongst the younger generations. I’m 46, have lost my dh and do, 2 of my adult dc have moved out and away and have their own lives and my teen children are slowly doing the same

i I have no extended family left now bar my brother in Germany and his family who live in London.

i do go out to the odd craft group but I still feel out of place there even though they are all lovely and welcoming.

its crap. I miss that physical connection to

Hugs to all. Really not easy making new friends. I have one told me she do things with me cinema etc. Then she days replying.. another we were in school together we finally met it took so long for her re a date. Im thinking can I be assed with all this. My daughter who is 18 says few of her group like this. The flakiness is frustrating.

Hobbies same cliques or they dont want new people in it.

@Mary46 I totally agree about the flakiness. If someone suggests something to me I will always try to initiate a day or time only to be ghosted and not contacted again.