If you are lonely, do you ever feel even worse when trying to get out and do things with people? Volunteering, classes, etc?

[Manycupsofteaforme]

I'm probably not explaining well, but it's like everyone has their own real, main people in the form of their close family and friends, so even though it is nice and interesting to chat to people I meet out and about, it compounds the isolation in a way.

I do a small bit of volunteering in my local community and it is enjoyable but people naturally chat about their parents, kids etc and I feel myself taking a step back and mentally removing myself into a different category because they are 'normal' with rich tapestries of family and friend connections.

I have my lovely DP but my parents are dead and I can't have kids and I feel so awkward at best, and in a constant state of bereavement at worst. It will soon be Christmas, and I feel so isolated. I moved countries and really like where I live but I haven't made friends here, and over the years drifted from friends I had from uni etc.

Does anyone else find similar, that being around people who are lovely but who you are not close to actually makes you feel more lonely?

Don't get me wrong, I think the lowkey social activity I have when out and about is important because it meets a need to interact with other human beings, but I miss more meaningful friendships and connections.

Can anyone relate at all?

Yes friendships have more chance with regular contact. Problem is we live in a far more transient world where many move around, change jobs, circumstances change and move away. Situational.

What I don't get is why when it's known that friendship takes such frequent contact to get going do we give this as the gold standard advice for lonely people? It seems like setting people up for failure.

I'm guessing that there are people for whom being around others even if it's only a superficial or transient relationship is enough to fill a need. These are the people who benefit from being told to volunteer rather than people who are seeking friendships.

Yes for some who have full lives or are happy on their own and fair enough if they're there for the activity, but it begs the question where do people who are looking for friends go?

please don't feel like a failure.
I am married, but I was utterly terminally single until I met him in my 30s (online) and I really believe there's an amazing amount of luck involved. I'm quite sure if I hadn't met him, I'd never have got married as I honestly never got anywhere with guys until I met him, even though I think I'm a decent laugh and not terrible looking (I even did some modelling when I was younger.)

Yes I dont think an evening class learning Spanish (for instance) one night a week would get anywhere near building friendships. But it is the sort of thing that would be suggested to someone looking for new friends. But then it doesn’t work and all you are left with is feeling like you failed again

I can relate to what people are saying here. We were invited to a party given by a neighbour who also has kids at our school. I was looking forward to it, but ended up finding it depressing. Whatsapp group was full of in jokes with her and the other mums that I wasn't part of, and they kept on taking selfies without me. I ended up wondering why we were invited; only thing I can think of is I think her DD might have a thing for my DS.
Usual thing of not being part of any group. 😔
I do have actual friends (I think) but they all have lots and lots of friends.

Exactly and many people are just there for the learning and some are in couples or with a friend already as a shared activity. Nothing wrong with that of course but yes it does.

What a kind reply and yes, nobody's a failure. It's the luck of the draw. It's very brave to admit and reach out, even on an anonymous forum.

I struggled terribly with loneliness in my early 20s, I can remember having to work very hard to get out of it and it was only because of a new job, and a couple of chance meetings that I was able to claw my way out of it. But it was tough.

I totally understand where you're coming from, on the rare occasions I found myself doing something I'd feel even worse, I had nothing to say, my life was boring and I didn't have the close family/friendships other people did.

In the end I started a new job where the people were much more 'me' and if I was invited somewhere I went, that then gave me the confidence to reach out to old friends from school/college and rebuild those friendships, which gave me the confidence and connections to build more friends form there. But at first it was draining.

I am so so sorry you are dealing with loneliness, people do not realise how awful it is. Virtual hugs

This thread really spoke to me. I am a first-gen immigrant in this country. I love it here and am grateful to be here. But it gets lonely, because I didn't go to school or uni here, so do not have old friends and family.. Going home would not solve the problem either, as many of my family and friends back home have moved to the States or elsewhere! People are transient these days, and many also prefer social media friendships to meeting.

I do have a DH and DC, but the DC are off at uni and very busy. Dh does a very stressful job and has limited energy to talk. I also WFH, so that rules out daily contact. That said, I am grateful for them, at least, and am really sorry for people who have no one at all.

I feel very unmoored sometimes, especially now the DC are grown and I have more time. I have tried to pour my energy into creative pursuits. I write, and am involved in local heritage. Meetups and groups have been fun, and I will continue them, but not great for making friends.

Oh, and this time of year- Diwali- makes me feel so much worse, as I am sure Xmas does for those of us who are lonely.

Sorry, I killed the thread!

You didn't kill the thread @BansheeofInisherin !

I think a lot of us will agree with you, the festivities are hard and the darker colder nights and days don't help much with the feelings of isolation.

I have to distract myself a lot over the Christmas/New Year period as I get very lonely and low. I've come to accept I will cry and need a hug that won't come at some point over Christmas and try as be as kind to myself as I can. Though it gets boring keeping myself company!

Yes you didn't kill the thread I'm staying with a friend this weekend, which will distract me from not seeing my partner for another three weeks but it is hard. I don't suit this life. Staying with a friend won't fulfil my need for affection and connection it will just distract me temporarily, which is what it feels like every other 'activity' I do to connect with people does. I would love a 'normal' life, a family and someone to get into bed with each night.

It's funny how different seasons can be harder than others - it's the summer barbecue one that I find really rough for some reason. You can actually hear and smell people's festivities and gatherings in summer in a way you don't so much in winter. I could count on one hand the amount of barbecues I've been invited to in my life and yes, I have hosted a few but as a single mum, I find them a very tricky one to manage solo.

Actually, I am sorry for posting. Many of you have it far worse. I need to count my blessings and will try to do that. The menopause is not helping me either.

I hope everyone on this thread finds a solution.

Please don’t feel like you shouldn’t post because others have it worse. No matter our situation we can all feel lonely hence the saying lonely in a crowd. I think it’s part of the human experience to be honest- we are all alone at the end of the day even though we can find connections with others. Some just feel it more than others.

Gosh don't apologise @BansheeofInisherin

You've articulated what I feel (and I only moved from one end of country to the other!).

This thread has been helping me so much, have been busy with work but just reading it made me feel less "odd" and more like it's a societal issue.

I have great friends at work but I feel deeply uncomfortable about being reliant on those, but because I have prioritised juggling a career and caring for children there hasn't been much time to make connections other ways.

As others say, my monthly trustee meeting and weekly exercise class doesn't seem to turn into anything deeper, and perhaps that is just because it's not enough regular quality time to allow connections to evolve.

And I do have individual friends but they all have local family and /or "mum groups" that I never really formed because my son was quite ill as a baby/toddler, and mainly they work long hours too so we rarely meet more than a couple of times a year

Gosh don't apologise @BansheeofInisherin

You've articulated what I feel (and I only moved from one end of country to the other!).

This thread has been helping me so much, have been busy with work but just reading it made me feel less "odd" and more like it's a societal issue.

I have great friends at work but I feel deeply uncomfortable about being reliant on those, but because I have prioritised juggling a career and caring for children there hasn't been much time to make connections other ways.

As others say, my monthly trustee meeting and weekly exercise class doesn't seem to turn into anything deeper, and perhaps that is just because it's not enough regular quality time to allow connections to evolve.

And I do have individual friends but they all have local family and /or "mum groups" that I never really formed because my son was quite ill as a baby/toddler, and mainly they work long hours too so we rarely meet more than a couple of times a year

I do hear what you are saying but if you keep meeting the same people (repeated exposure to them through activities and volunteering) you will build up histories with them. And then you’ll begin to talk about your shared life rather than their life.. but you need to keep on keeping on. Persevere!

I think people can be very thoughtless with their chat about their children / grandchildren to others though.

Thanks @Motti and @WrongSwanson . I do make it a point to never talk much about my DC, because honestly it's often boring to other people. There are many other things to talk about.
I should say that my book club offers me the most connection these days. A really good way to bypass small talk and go straight to talking about meaningful things.

I relate.

I have no partner, no siblings in this country, no aunts uncles cousins and my dad is dead and my mum very poorly.

yes I have friends but they all have their partners, parents, etc, my dc are older so now do their own thing.

I feel worse when I’m with people, it’s so lonely.

I personally don't think I believe that anymore. Especially not with monthly meetings or something where different people seem to come each week or where the people you meet don't even seem interested in new friends. How long should you persevere at something that doesn't seem to be going anywhere, a year? 5 years? 10 years?

Right now I've got my group but if we drift or I have to relocate I'm not sure I even want to try this sort of thing again.

My friend feels like this a lot as she’s 38, no kids and single. Even when she goes to groups to meet people she often feels lonelier as their lives are so different to hers. I know how tough she finds it and it makes me feel sad

I am so sorry to everyone feeling so lonely. This thread is so sad and depressing. I don't have many people in my life and thought that if I made the effort to get myself out there and find some good friends, I could be OK, but I am now doubtful. So worried about my future. I live with constant anxiety about it and find it hard to concentrate on anything else.