If you are lonely, do you ever feel even worse when trying to get out and do things with people? Volunteering, classes, etc?

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I'm probably not explaining well, but it's like everyone has their own real, main people in the form of their close family and friends, so even though it is nice and interesting to chat to people I meet out and about, it compounds the isolation in a way.

I do a small bit of volunteering in my local community and it is enjoyable but people naturally chat about their parents, kids etc and I feel myself taking a step back and mentally removing myself into a different category because they are 'normal' with rich tapestries of family and friend connections.

I have my lovely DP but my parents are dead and I can't have kids and I feel so awkward at best, and in a constant state of bereavement at worst. It will soon be Christmas, and I feel so isolated. I moved countries and really like where I live but I haven't made friends here, and over the years drifted from friends I had from uni etc.

Does anyone else find similar, that being around people who are lovely but who you are not close to actually makes you feel more lonely?

Don't get me wrong, I think the lowkey social activity I have when out and about is important because it meets a need to interact with other human beings, but I miss more meaningful friendships and connections.

Can anyone relate at all?

Yes, only child here! Also, what a good idea to create a network somehow…I don’t know how though.

You can take steps to make friends, but you can’t force friendship. I had a voluntary job for eight years, one day a week. I was just getting to know people properly when the pandemic hit. Some of them couldn’t come anymore for health reasons. I became paid staff and being more involved, got to know people better. Then the pandemic died down and I got recalled to my actual job, as did most of them. So basically I came away with lots of acquaintances and Facebook friends, but no one I meet up with in real life. Lovely people, but still not a single one I feel close enough to, to phone in a crisis.

But there’s another side to this, isn't there? The living alone or potentially alone. I feel there’s a need for something online- a bit like a Facebook group but for those of us who are alone. Where you can get to know people and post fun or serious stuff but with the aim of members checking in and being there for each other. Maybe there’s already something like that, I don’t know.

I can relate.

The pandemic made me realise nobody would care if I dropped dead. My life has no value and I don't see that changing.

Yes. I have a wonderful partner but struggle to ever move beyond superficial surface chatter with people I meet. They all have established social networks and friendships so I feel a bit on the outside of it all. I don't have children either, which is another obstacle.

I get where you're coming from. I moved to a new town 8 months ago to love with my partner. I go to the gym to various classes, have joined a local social group, have got to know my neighbours etc, but feel a bit on the fringes. Everybody is either there with a friend or have known each other a while ago I feel a bit awkward. But on the other hand, I find friendships quite intense and try not to get too involved with people so I'm probably my own worst enemy!

I also find that the people who tend to actively seek out connections and friendships tend to be quite outgoing. I joined some networking groups but the activities are all things like dancing and karaoke type things which make me want to hide.

So many of these experiences resonate with me.

I work part time from home and much prefer it to office life, but I can go for days without any kind of meaningful conversation beyond banal exchanges at a supermarket till or while waiting for a bus or superficial chat before an exercise class.

I do have a few friends but have mostly given up suggesting meeting up at weekends as they are generally busy with their families and can only schedule things in weeks in advance.

I do wonder how long it would be before anyone noticed if I dropped dead one day.

I just remembered a really awful occasion years ago that made me feel even more alone and misunderstood. I was in my early thirties and thirsty for company so leapt at the opportunity for a few drinks out with a mate. Towards the end of the evening when she wanted to get back to her husband and children I had this overwhelming sadness that I just couldn't cope with going back to an empty cold house, so stupidly drunk dialed a male ' acquaintance ' for company. I didn't even want the sex but in that moment I desperately needed someone (anyone!) To take away the loneliness . I tried to explain this to friend and she tore strips off me, how I should be happy being single, that I didn't need anyone, that I should go home and go to bed, that she was disappointed in me.... All in the comfort and knowledge that SHE had someone waiting for her back home whilst I had no one. She didn't speak to me for days after that night out and I remember feeling devastated , that I was somehow freakish and pathetic for desiring human intimacy. Years in I feel very differently -and see her behaviour as both thoughtless and cruel . It was almost like she wanted to see me in this position and took pleasure out of my loneliness.

his thread proves that there are lots of people in the same boat. I have thought before that it would be good to create some kind of network (even just online) where we could all talk and support one another.

do it then.

Sometimes when I'm at a hobby I go to, I stand there and watch everyone chatting at the end, and just feel sad.

I am 'friends' with everyone there, but I just don't find conversations and small talk easy.

It's not that I don't talk to anyone, I do, it's just sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

Yes I can relate OP. It can feel even more lonely in a crowd I agree.

another lonely isolated person here. no family no partner no true friends. i am very lucky to have my children but as a single parent all i do is work and stress. people who have big families just do not get it at all. i so relate to not being anyone's main person or having a main person. especially when ill and having to drive myself to hospital for procedures or take cabs home and lie to drs when they say do you have someone with you after a GA. and yes going to groups or meetups makes you feel worse and i can totally relate to turning to casual sex out of desperation just to feel something or have someone there just for those moments. i am sorry to hear the past posters experience of the nasty "friend" who judged and then went happily home to her nice husband. i have had similar.

a support group on here would be nice who would like to join a whatsapp group? i would be up for that does anyone know what would be best way to organise this?

anyone can make a whats app group and invite people.

I am generally socially confident and don't struggle with friendships, but I have certainly felt like this in the past, when I had moved countries and for various reasons, was feeling low and under-confident -- I think it comes from wanting more from a social encounter or situationship than you feel the other person is willing to offer, or is even aware that you're longing for. That you will never be able to be in someone's inner circle, because other people already have their existing circles, and you will forever be like the little match girl, looking wistfully through the window at other people's warmth.

It isn't actually true, though. I moved countries again just before the first Covid lockdown, and have made some good friends here. The key thing for me was feeling better about myself before I put myself out there, feeling attuned to my own feelings, and centred on myself, recognising my own value, and being the most important person in the room to myself. As well as being a survival mechanism (obviously, we are all our own most important person), I think it makes you more attractive to other people. The reason I felt like the little matchgirl when I'd moved in the past was because I was giving off needy, desperate, 'nothing to offer, all want' vibes, and that's not attractive, apart from to the kind of person you absolutely don't want as a friend.

@Ffsebok I'm so sorry you're in this position.

Has the GP or hospital any ideas of support? Please ask for a care assessment. It's not the same but there's always somebody on here. The British Red Cross or MIND might be able to offer a befriending service or something.

I know what you mean. When I graduated from uni everyone was booking tables for family to come. When they asked me how many people did I need to book for I died inside saying non.... I didn't go to my grad. Felt awkward.

My God your friend was no friend at all, what a judgemental cow and clearly lacking in any kind of empathy. All anyone should want for a friend is that they do things that make them happy and that don't harm anyone. I made a similar call to an ex one particularly lonely Saturday night and am not remotely ashamed of it. It fulfilled a need in both of us, everyone knew where they stood and it was definitely not a mistake.

Thank you . I felt so ashamed at the time and ' weak' for giving into my needs. The thing is, I would understand if she was coming from a good place and was concerned that I'd be hurt or he was a bad apple that I needed to swerve. But he wasn't and she knew this; there were no emotions involved and we both got what we wanted at that time. No one got hurt. Looking back she was being judgy and mean and I think she was pissed that I wasn't sharing the cab fare home! ( even though I offered to split It coz I felt so guilty after her tirade!) It wasn't anything about me. She just didn't get what it was like to be lonely and needing the warmth of another person , even if it was just for the night.

From this thread seems society no longer wants those who are kind, loyal and in the background for quiet catch ups and genuine friendships anymore. If society was different those on their own could be the backbone looking after the ill and elderly, babysitting for busy parents and volunteering. Everybody misses out.

I've just graduated and can't go as nobody to ask either. It's the little things that are the worst like having nobody to talk to, have a brew with or get a passport as nobody to counter sign. Makes you feel you don't even have an identity.

Not an only child but abusive 'family' didn't want a girl so dismissed amongst other abuse. Loved school but grew up rurally so nobody my age locally.

Joined groups, courses and voluntary work. Thought had close friends of many years who retreated during the pandemic. Arranged meets with colleagues after redundancy, same.

Started courses and another job. Brilliant fellow students who wanted to meet up yet when I tried to arrange many times, they're busy.

Started other voluntary work to help others who are lonely or in crisis. I'm leaving as it's very toxic and unfriendly. Very upsetting when so many are struggling, but not getting a kicking on top.

Reach out? Like most/all of you I have so so many times whilst trying not to try too hard. I mentioned to a colleague I thought I was friendly with about feeling guilty about stopping the volunteering because my uncle took his own life when I was little, after they've opened up to me a few times. Got shut down.

Could move again, find another job, different volunteering etc. which might all be friendlier but decided after that, no more. Just been good enough when it suits. Then people wonder why nobody bothers and won't let anybody in.

Have no answers for you nice people. Wish I did but I hear you for what it's worth

You sound like such a lovely genuine person; anyone should be honoured to have you in their lives. But, yes I get it as I've lived it, life is bloody not fair and if you're kind and caring and empathetic you can get your bottom dollar you'll be taken advantage of. Fwiw, I've learnt to get a lot harder. I no longer jump to the whims of people who don't take a mutual interest in my life, I confront any nasty or bullying behaviour head on and essentially, I just give a lot less of myself.the part where you opened up to a colleague but got shut down rings familiar - how cruel and dismissive.. Even if she didn't know the " right" thing to say (who does!) She could have at least offered some words of comfort of kindness. It's not difficult ! Don't give up entirely though. You will find your people or person, even if it's limited to interacting on forums such as this for the time being - there are those of us who will listen, because in one way or another we've experienced the same aching loneliness. Oh and congratulations on graduating 💐

So just an FYI if any of you wanted to set up a group. DD introduced me to discord which would be ideal for this type of thing. That way no one needs to give out personal info. You can set up your own chat server. Even have different topic categories etc. Then you share a link to the group and people join that way.

@EmpressSoleil Thank you. Discord sounds like a great idea. I would be happy to take the lead on setting that up. I am unfortunately tied up with work until the middle of next week, however I would look into it after then if nobody else wishes to go ahead first.

Yes I just made my own post about this, I feel so lonely and doing things makes me feel worse, i am a lone parent and hate going to events on my own with the kids surrounded by couples and families but no one else seems to understand, been told to change my mind set 🤦‍♀️ like it’s that easy . Hope it’s ok for single parents to post as I was told I can’t be lonely if I have children but honestly never felt so lonely as I do now, before I would just avoid social events now I have to force myself out for them.

yes that's me as well. will come back to this thread, do empathise.

I'm so pleased I've come across this, as I am in the same position and it has been playing on my mind a lot lately. I totally get how those moments with others, where they're talking about everyone they have in their lives, emphasises how few proper connections I have in mine.

I had a DD young and so while school friends were out partying in their twenties, I was living a very different lifestyle. I with her dad for a long time and where he had a large family, a lot of my social interactions and 'friendships' came through him. When we split a few years ago, those connections ended with the relationship.

My DD is lovely but at an age where she is not home much and who wants to be always doing stuff with their mum! I'm not technically an only but my brother passed away a few years ago, and I only have a very small family.

I would love to join if some sort of group is set up you all sound lovely

Wow what a lot of replies. It's sad that so many are coping with loneliness, in one of the many iterations it can come in. But heartwarming at the same time that people can connect and feel less alone in their loneliness.