If you are lonely, do you ever feel even worse when trying to get out and do things with people? Volunteering, classes, etc?

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I'm probably not explaining well, but it's like everyone has their own real, main people in the form of their close family and friends, so even though it is nice and interesting to chat to people I meet out and about, it compounds the isolation in a way.

I do a small bit of volunteering in my local community and it is enjoyable but people naturally chat about their parents, kids etc and I feel myself taking a step back and mentally removing myself into a different category because they are 'normal' with rich tapestries of family and friend connections.

I have my lovely DP but my parents are dead and I can't have kids and I feel so awkward at best, and in a constant state of bereavement at worst. It will soon be Christmas, and I feel so isolated. I moved countries and really like where I live but I haven't made friends here, and over the years drifted from friends I had from uni etc.

Does anyone else find similar, that being around people who are lovely but who you are not close to actually makes you feel more lonely?

Don't get me wrong, I think the lowkey social activity I have when out and about is important because it meets a need to interact with other human beings, but I miss more meaningful friendships and connections.

Can anyone relate at all?

I suspect a lot of society doesn't want to admit that this level of loneliness can happen. I've read a lot of articles in my time, admittedly not so much now things are better, and they almost always seem to conclud that the solution is to join groups and volunteer.

It's like no one wants to admit that it's often simply not a solution for lack of friendship unless you get very lucky. I'd have loved to have seen more advice on how to try and live with the loneliness rather than solutions that only offered false hope.

I don't know, I think volunteering/doing activities has still improved my life. I wouldnt discourage people from it

@WrongSwanson That's encouraging to hear. Glad it has helped you. Would you mind sharing the types of volunteering and activities you have been involved with, please?

I suspect a better approach for a lonely person is to just do the activities that bring them some joy and that can include volunteering and "social" things like a group or lessons as well as more solitary activities.

Just telling someone to get out there and join things and I'm sure you will make friends isn't helpful.

@WhatNoRaisins I agree with that. I also suspect that the more 'focused' the group or activity is on a subject / topic, the more chance you are to find people who you 'click' with. For example, an exercise group is quite general. Volunteering with your local heritage railway / joining a bat spotting group is a lot more 'niche' and specific.

(Those are just random examples to illustrate a point!).

Yes I think if you join something solely with the purpose of making friends then it is sole destroying. And you find yourself thinking after a few meetings that it’s not really working yet should I persevere as it’s taking up my time and money. So the best thing to do it find something you actually want to do or have to do. I used to enjoy running but I can’t do this any more. I wish I could as it’s a really good way of exercising and chatting too. If you enjoy running then you are also doing something you love so you don’t feel you are so much wasting your time partaking the activity and it doesn’t matter so much if you make a friend. I just need to find a similar activity now for people like myself who can’t run !

*soul destroying

Yes I agree. And I think that's the nuance that's missing from advice when people say they are lonely

I'm a trustee of a local charity and I also used to go to dance classes before I got ill. Maybe I would have made friends eventually but I hadn't before I got ill, but dancing still made me smile

Thank you @MaggieBroonofGlebeSt . I am in my forties and in a relationship that isn’t giving me what I need. I am scared that I may have to start all over again. I also was a model until my mid-thirties! I know I’m not bad looking, I also know I am a good person, I’m fun, kind, loving. It doesn’t feel that I deserve to be alone. Not saying that anyone who is none of those things does of course! But looks aside, I just feel I’ve given my relationships my all, given a lot of love and not ever got it back.

Yes, very kind reply @allaloneandlost

I have a bit of a positive tale to share. Regarding making friends. When my ex left me a few years ago I was at rock bottom. Felt like I was just waiting to die. Her children went from my life too obviously, missed them so much (eldest one and me are close now).

Anyway after some time I began taking my dog to the local beer garden of an eve and having a couple of glasses of wine in the sun. I do see that the dog is a plus point here as they sort of 'make' people come and talk to you, they comment on the dog rather than the weather! I'm in my late thirties and an early fifties guy asks if he can have a look at my dog, sits with me and we have a really nice chat for a couple of hours. Then he offers to buy me a drink and I said 'Sorry no because I can't buy you one back!'I only ever took £10 out with me in my pocket. He bought me one anyway as said he had enjoyed my company. I'm gay and he was married with children, nothing untoward.

Fast forward to now, some 8 years later and we're firm friends. It probably took a couple of years for us to get to that stage. We have some excellent chats, we text throughout the week, share jokes, share daft things that have happened, also confide in one another about our difficulties (his marriage is not a happy one unfortunately) if one of us goes in the pub they always text the other a 'no obligation but I'm going to (pub) if you fancy coming'.
He walks me home, often comes in for a drink if we're not up early and we listen to music and have a chat-I trust him with my dark thoughts and he does me with his. We're not 'in one another pockets' sorts of friends, we don't put any pressure on one another but we're definitely more than 'someone you talk to down the pub'. He's my rock and he often says I keep him sane-real mutual respect and openness.

The only downside for me is, if we meet up and have a good time, I know he's going home to his wife and child (elders are at university). Which is a bit bittersweet at times, while I'll then go to bed alone. But I am a lot happier to have him in my life than if I didn't, I made a good friend albeit purely by accident! In my late thirties.

This thread struck a chord with me. I have struggled on and off with loneliness since I had my first child very young. It is not that I can't make small talk, or that I don't have anyone, but more that I struggle to be close to people, and find a level of easy intimacy where I am comfortable asking to do things together. I have a lovely husband, and 3 children, but socially they do not serve all my needs and I think my husband (who has a lot of friends and is very good at maintaining old friendships) finds me needing him to be my girlie bestie draining sometimes.

I have tried everything, honestly, all the different baby and toddler groups, different hobbies, volunteering, evening classes, book groups. I have had some limited success with some but it falls apart after a time, or I just spend it all feeling like the weirdo outsider whilst everyone else already came with a friend.

I finally felt like I was making some progress about 2 years ago - I left a job I hated, made some connections in my new job, a mum friend at school sort of adopted me, together we forged a group with the wife of my husbands friend. It finally felt a bit like I had a proper adult friendship group and I was so happy. But I fell out with one of them over the summer and now I feel back to square one.

Basically it mostly feels like I am fundamentally a bit broken, that I can't make friends like a proper person, and that even when I had something close I messed it up. It is comforting (if similarly sad) to read about other people who have similar difficulties.

I haven't RTFT but @Ffsebok your post jumped out at me because I had most of my brain tumour removed earlier this year, but there's still a bit of it left.
I'm sort of alone too. No partner, two adopted dds that I'm currently no/low contact with, and a DM in the later stages of dementia.
I know I'm lucky because I have two sisters and some very good friends but they're busy with with own families and their own lives.
I do find being alone different to being lonely and I'm quite a solitary person by nature, but yes, I feel sad sometimes. I didn't meet my Mr Right so tried to create my own family through adoption but could never have predicted the huge problems that would bring.
So here I am, sometimes brokenhearted and sometimes grateful for the peace and quiet, and glad the years of screaming and the assaults and the damage to my home have stopped.
Now I'm in my mid 50s I'm trying to coming to terms with it all, and some days are easier than others. I find the serenity prayer comforting, although I'm neither an alcoholic or religious!
Do send me a message if I can answer any brain tumour questions, or you just want a chat x

Thank you. Appreciate that. Currently residing in denial and not engaging in any brain tumour related chat. Has all got too much for me but that could change.

I remember that, being in denial, and then waking up from the surgery sobbing and not being able to bloody stop for the next six months!
Happy to offer support if it when you need it. No pressure.

This exactly. When I was typing my post I ummed and ahhed over posting it, because I felt like I was typing something almost blasphemous - I was raised with all this "Money money money, global race, competing with China, change jobs every 2 years when you're young to get the promotions, move to wherever the jobs are, move to wherever the high-paid jobs are, and fuck everybody else" - which is all very well for those who like that life but it isn't for everyone. Transient is the right word for it that I was trying to find.

My parents are immigrants and my dad has some distant relatives in another part of this country (mum has no family in this country) and once they were telling me about one of them: He had graduated and was feeling torn between staying in his hometown with the community and everything he loved and being a barista in Costa, or moving to a far away and completely unfamiliar part of the country to get a graduate job where he knew noone. They were calling him stupid, lazy, unambitious, etc for even considering for a moment the option of staying at home. They couldn't see his point at all and made these comments about others from his part of the country too. The message to me might as well have been, "if you turn out like him we'll treat you like this too!"

@CantChatNow your experience sounds really similar to mine. I had a baby quite young and I obviously love my dcs and dh but they don’t fulfil my needs for a group of friends. All I’ve ever wanted is a good group of friends, not living in each others pockets but a couple of nights out for the cinema or drinks and a group chat would mean the world to me. I had that for a couple of years but it all fell apart. I can’t find the energy to join groups or classes because I’m so worried it will go wrong again.

You've explained yourself brilliantly!

Completely understand the pressure to be educated and career driven when you come from an immigrant and/or a very working class background. In their own way they want you to have a better life than them, but such a shame there's so much pressure on people who either cave in and become unhappy or have major issues with family.

Nothing wrong with doing whatever suits the individual imo, but easy to say when it goes against the grain. A useful question is "is this worth it?" in terms of not only money but somebody living how they choose with any consequences that may arise.

@TheBunnyLover Thanks a lot for your lovely reply and sharing such a hopeful story :) So glad you have a smashing friend. It's great when people are open to anybody as long as they're decent company. It sounds so enriching and a warm genuine friendship where you can be yourselves, share confidences and just simply hang out and have a laugh! And also you both made the effort over time to build the rapport you have now. A two way street. I'm really pleased for you, even though it doesn't obliterate the loneliness, it sure beats not having that!

People underestimate how painful loneliness is. I have been there. When you are just desperate for someone who understands and who will listen but more than that, the need for a hug, a proper one was unbearable at times. It’s not so easy as just joining a club. I tried once and felt worse than ever because they all knew each other and were coupled up which I was not at the time.
Loneliness needs to be talked about more as at present it isn’t.

@Chelsealocke yeah that’s it, anticipating it falling apart is as bad as the loneliness. I think it’s self preservation these days, at least if I’m alone no one can hurt me.it’s not really how I want to live my life but like you say, I don’t have the energy to change it.

I feel this way too, everytime I have something nice planned, at the back of my head is the coming home alone :-( I have very recently (last 6 months) started to do things alone. And to be honest, it's the best thing Ive ever done. It still doesn't beat personal connections but I feel its a step in the right direction for me. I now go swimming a couple of times a week. I go to the cinema and I even went to the theatre alone a couple of weeks ago! I'd love to make some friends but it just seems impossible at the moment. Christmas is around the corner and I have no family and am dreading the 'what you doing over Christmas' questions from work. It seems shameful somehow to say 'I have noone'. I honestly don't know what the answer is :-(

Oh gosh the need for a hug 😭or any non sexual touch.

I went for a heart scan on Wednesday t a specialist hospital, I know it sounds weird but the sonographer/radiographer? Had to lean on my side to scan my chest and side as she was quite short and we both ended up creased with laughter as I am quite ticklish. I made her day she said and she made mine, just that five minutes of connection meant a lot to me and was a comfort as things are quite shit right now

I read a post on here the other day. It broke my heart.
Some lady posted saying that her manager had gently touched her back and thanked her for something and she said she almost cried. Just that bit of contact telling her she was needed and important I guess. Never underestimate the effect kind words and actions can have on people .

That is a very kind thought, S&P. Thank you x

@allaloneandlost And also you both made the effort over time to build the rapport you have now. A two way street.
I'd have never have thought of it in those terms but that's so true. We both have made the effort to be friends and keep that mutual respect for each other haven't we. Friendships are beautiful when they work-even if with unlikely people. I'd have never have thought I'd have found a friend in his form or that we'd get along so well. We have the same sense of humour which has definitely been a huge factor in it. Thank you for your kind words, It's so nice to talk to people on here. Not sure what I'd do without MN sometimes even though I am not a Mum, I came on here for advice about dealing with my ex's children years ago and that was me hooked

@blackheartsgirl I hear you on that-the connection thing. I hadn't noticed it but those little moments of affection mean such a lot.

Similarly, I went for a quick procedure under G.A recently. The way I was treated was impeccable and with such care, lots of people just making a fuss of me, it felt like, everyone being so kind and gentle both literally and figuratively. I did realise afterwards that it maybe wouldn't have felt so wonderful if I wasn't so affection/attention starved most of the time!