If you are lonely, do you ever feel even worse when trying to get out and do things with people? Volunteering, classes, etc?

[Manycupsofteaforme]

I'm probably not explaining well, but it's like everyone has their own real, main people in the form of their close family and friends, so even though it is nice and interesting to chat to people I meet out and about, it compounds the isolation in a way.

I do a small bit of volunteering in my local community and it is enjoyable but people naturally chat about their parents, kids etc and I feel myself taking a step back and mentally removing myself into a different category because they are 'normal' with rich tapestries of family and friend connections.

I have my lovely DP but my parents are dead and I can't have kids and I feel so awkward at best, and in a constant state of bereavement at worst. It will soon be Christmas, and I feel so isolated. I moved countries and really like where I live but I haven't made friends here, and over the years drifted from friends I had from uni etc.

Does anyone else find similar, that being around people who are lovely but who you are not close to actually makes you feel more lonely?

Don't get me wrong, I think the lowkey social activity I have when out and about is important because it meets a need to interact with other human beings, but I miss more meaningful friendships and connections.

Can anyone relate at all?

I can relate. I still have my parents at the moment, and I also have a lovely boyfriend, but I am an only child and getting a bit too old to have children of my own. I sense my future could be quite lonely.

I am not really sure what to suggest other than to perhaps keep trying to find people you 'click' with so that you can hopefully develop deeper friendships.

I am obviously not happy that you are feeling lonely, and I hope things look up for you soon, but it is quite reassuring to know that there are people like us out there all looking for meaningful connections.

Yes. It's feeling different and left out.

I too can relate.

divorced after abusive marriage. Friends but no partner. Had to move to new place where everyone seems to be in couples.

the loneliest I think I’ve ever felt was the neighbours’ garden party. Had heard all thr stuff about never say no to an invitation, get out and about as much as you can, etc. so went along, bottle of wine in hand.

it was awful. Five people asked me where my husband was. When I said I was divorced, they looked embarrassed or said ‘oh, I’m sorry.’ Left early, went home to cry.

came to the decision that these things can make you feel worse rather than better so am more selective now about what I do. Maybe that will help, op.

I totally get what you mean and for what it's worth, I think you sound particularly lovely - I really hope you find the kind of friendships you are looking for. I'm single and I do have children but they are with their Dad half the time and are getting older in any case. The equivalent 'heartsore' lonely feeling I get is even if I am out having a lovely time, to drive home alone and come home to an empty house, to have no one to ask how you got on or share a cup of tea with to 'debrief' - that really gets to me. I've gotten used to it to a point but in the year or two immediately post separation, I often cried the whole way home and would sometimes sit in the car for ages because I couldn't actually face walking into an empty house. I can understand why people just don't go out in the evenings or why you might disengage from going to events which highlight your lack of connection. The only problem with that is that it brings you even further away from what you want! It really is I think a case of plugging away and hoping something will stick with someone and it is never too late to make new and wonderful friends. I've been in a book club with a girl for years but it's only in the last 2 or 3 that we have gotten really close. I think we just have a meeting of minds and can be very open with one another. Showing a level of vulnerability whilst not being needy is I think really important.

Yes it is a double-edged sword. If you stay in and don't socialise you're on your own with no chance of company, but it highlights what you don't have.

I have nobody and am very careful and guarded when answering questions then use deflection. It's horrible having nobody to talk about your day with. Shame others experience this.

Yes I do. I am entirely on my own in life, no family, no children, no partner.

I know it's important to make friends and to get out there; but it does just make me feel lonelier. As you say these are secondary or additional friendships for people, whilst for me it's the only thing I've got. I don't tell people that and I hope no desperation comes across but I do feel people pick up on the neediness and it's unattractive to them. So I know what you mean x

This thread proves that there are lots of people in the same boat. I have thought before that it would be good to create some kind of network (even just online) where we could all talk and support one another.

I understand what you’re saying. While I’m extremely blessed in the family department, when it comes to friends ALL the friends I have are closer with their other friends. There isn’t a single non-family-member to whom I’m “essential”, and everyone either has sisters they’re closer to (naturally!) or a bestie with more time than I have to socialize.

I love being with them at casual events/chatting before church/whatever, but I’m always a bit late to the party in the sense that someone else heard their funny story FIRST, someone else spent the weekend at brunch or shopping with them, someone else learned their news first, etc. - so while it’s fun to be together, it also reminds me that nobody really “needs” my presence. (My last “close friendship” where I felt truly needed, still had someone she referred to as “my best friend”.)

I am so sorry you are so alone, but I’m proud of you for still getting out there and mingling with people… especially if you’re able to be 100% invested in opportunities those with children/needy elderly parents/other social demands can’t fully be invested in. We need people like you in our world, so please don’t stop being out there among the crowds!

Yes people hate desperation and neediness. It's hard to balance between not doing that and making friends.

@MabelQ I definitely relate to what you are saying about being nobody's 'essential' or 'number 1' friend.

Your post was really nice and encouraging though - thank you. I often do feel lost in the crowd or like I am observing life from behind a wall or inside a box or something. Watching everyone else do 'normal' with lots of people in their lives. I hate not having family connections and am terrified of possibly being all alone later in life. I recently went into a card shop and it struck me how many of the sections were completely irrelevant to me - I am nobody's mum, will never be a grandma, am not a sister, will never be an aunty etc. It's really sad. I try not to let it get me down, but it does. I am grateful for the positives in my life though - I am in a very happy relationship and I appreciate that that is something a lot of people don't have.

Wishing everyone on this thread all the very best.

You all sound like such great women. Like so many things in life, there is no real 'justice' in who gets to have loads of friends, family, connections. I know some really quite unpleasant people who seem to be really lucky in that regard and other kind, sound people who for a variety of reasons just don't seem to have that. Loneliness is probably one of the great taboos, there is probably more understanding and peer supports for a person who is, for example, struggling with an addiction, than for someone who is lonely.

I thought the same. Wouldn’t it be lovely if people could set up MN book clubs, supper clubs or walks!

I can relate. I moved abroad and I miss deep connections with people rather than the superficial. No kids, if anything happens to my DH I would be completely alone, if I think about this too much I feel very anxious.

I often feel like this. My family lives miles away. I did used to have a best friend nearby but I've sort of pushed them away as they spent a lot of time talking about all the things they were doing with all their friends and I just found it too painful.
Previous threads on here have recommended Bumble best friends (it might be Bumble friends) not been brave enough to use it.

Well done for getting out there. I feel exactly the same and have wondered if it’s a sort of depression. Watching other people have normal lives filled with people and connections is hard.

I think if you keep removing yourself you’ll never find those deep connections that you’re looking for.

Been in the same boat… moved several times as an adult just DH and me.

My DH and I were ‘adopted’ by our neighbors and we now have another set of parents. You never know where those deep connections are going to come from. I certainly didn’t expect it. It started off friendly and neighborly and 10 years pass, and we are all very important in each other’s lives (as much as family)

Yes. I’m autistic and have acquaintances but no real friends - I’m just socially awkward and not much of a talker. I keep trying to socialise and make friends but seeing others do it so effortlessly makes me constantly feel like a failure.

Thank you for this thread OP and for all the understanding comments from posters. I too can relate.

I tell myself that it is better to go to these groups than not because then I'd be really isolated, and that everyone is there because they need more in their lives than just their "main people" - we all have our reasons to go. And that it's better to contribute to your community then sit at home.

I do understand though. It is often luck of the draw with how many "main people" you have and how close you are.

All the best to everyone on this thread. Mumsnet at its best. 💐

I am also completely alone in life. No parents, no children, no partner, no friends. I have also tried socializing and being around people, but I find I get more and more upset, because they talk about their children, their grandchildren, and their husbands. People always seem to be saying things like, I could not have done that without the support of my family. This makes me feel that I could not possibly do what ever that thing was because I do not have the support of family. I also hear people saying things like my family are my whole life, I could not survive without them.

Just to add as a post script, I also feel really bad if I do socialize and people start talking about the nights out they have with the girls, big parties they gave where loads of people came, how many bridesmaids they had, how many friends came to their wedding, how they went on Group Holidays, group weekends away, were invited to this party and that party or barbecue etc. I literally have not been invited to a party in 40 years, and have never been to a wedding, have never been a bridesmaid. I know it makes me sound like I'm a monster but I really am a very nice kind and generous person. For some reason hardly anybody in this whole world seems to like me at all. There is something about me, and I have absolutely no idea what it is, that people really despise.

Thanks for starting this thread. I very much relate to this - I try to join things to meet people and feel less lonely, but the sense of being a permanent outsider ends up making me feel lonelier. I come from a quite dysfunctional family who live in another country, and I think I may end up divorced soon so I'll be the not-married person again. I'm lucky enough to have one fabulous child, but they are on the cusp of heading out into the world and I know I'll be 'losing' them for a while as they explore their own adult life. I've always felt like I have my nose pressed to the glass, looking in at other people's lives but never truly being admitted. It's hard and it makes me really sad sometimes. But I try to keep positive and keep going. Having dogs helps! Sending you warm thoughts and hoping things improve for you.

Yes exactly that.

And often a bit confused why I can never convert into the "real" connections everyone else seems to hav

That's a really good point. I'll try and remember that next time I'm feeling different at new activities

@Ladyof2022 I want to give you a big virtual hug. Your post brought a tear to my eye. I know exactly what you mean about people placing so much emphasis on family. I just want to say that I think you sound a nice, likeable person, and if you would like to chat and have me as even just a virtual friend and listening ear, you would be very welcome to send me a message.

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