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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newborns spending time with grandparents

242 replies

Th10 · 31/10/2023 17:26

Hi please let me know if I’m being unreasonable as I would like some perspective

I live with my partner and his parents who are lovely. I gave birth to twins at 28weeks who spent two months in the NICU. They have been home for around 6 weeks and they are three months old for context but only just reached full term.
Now that they are home my partner frequently takes them to their GP room without letting me know e.g if I go to the toilet or he’ll say I’m just taking them to my parents, which is fine but they will keep them for a couple of hours and if they are crying will come and ask for a dummy rather than give them back
i find this quite stressful but understand that they really want to spend time with the grandchildren and I am happy to do so particularly as I am living with them but I don’t feel comfortable when they are in their room and feel very stressed and anxious when they are away from me. I feel like every time I leave the Erik I am expected to pass over the babies
If I bring this up to my partner he will tell me I am overreacting or irrational.
can you advise how to go about this so they spend time with them but can you let me know if it is normal to feel this way even though they have been home for over a month?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 31/10/2023 17:33

OP,

Good men would not tell a new mother who has been through what you have been through "irrational and overreacting" becausethey want their babies close.

Arseholes do.

You do not want the babies removed for hours at a time.

He is wrong and you need to reach out to your GP and Health visitor.

He sounds like a bully who is very dismissive of you.

Please reach out for support.

These are newborns who need their mum.

YOU and only YOU get to decide how much time you are away from such tiny babies.

He doesn't sound like a kind man.

Contact your GP asap.

Where arevyour family?

Lizzt2007 · 31/10/2023 17:41

Why can't you join them in their room? Are you asking for them back when you want them? They are his children too op, but if you don't discuss how you feel with him then nothing will change. Living together with family can be tough and it definitely needs compromises from everyone. Newborns are hard work, twins even more so ! it's likely that gps think they are helping by giving you time off whilst someone else does the hard work for a while!.

Totaly · 31/10/2023 17:45

I think your reaction is perfectly normal. It’s instinct and I don’t believe people who say ‘enjoy the geo’ because clearly you don’t.

I think you need to speak up to him and his parents and tell them if they want to help it should be in a shared area and not their room.

On a side note I’d be looking to move out.

Totaly · 31/10/2023 17:45

I would also say there’s a reason we don’t take puppies from their mothers - this is true of humans.

BoohooWoohoo · 31/10/2023 17:47

Is living with your ILs temporary? Moving out would stop this behaviour from your h.

Original poster
Th10 · 31/10/2023 17:53

Yes temporarily as we are saving up for a house deposit but they will be helping out with childcare once they are nursery age.
i feel bad because they are lovely and I couldn’t ask for better grandparents for the kids and they treat me like a daughter but I don’t understand why even they feel comfortable taking them in their room when I am here. They don’t mean any harm. But it’s my partner who will go and take the babies to the room if the grandparents are there.
I could spend time with them in the living room but sometimes I just want to hold them outside of the room without feeling pressured to give them over every time.
how do I get over this feeling? I will be living here for a while and the thought of it makes me feel so anxious even though they are being loved and looked after.

its not because I need a break either, I genuinely love looking after them and haven’t needed a break yet, it’s just because they want to spend time with them which I also feel obligated to as I live here

OP posts:
Original poster
Th10 · 31/10/2023 17:54

I do ask for them back but I feel awkward when they are in their room and feel like I have to give it time before I get them back

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 31/10/2023 17:57

Are the grandparents asking him to bring them or is he just taking the babies to them

cestlavielife · 31/10/2023 18:00

You need to move out
This is not going to work
Or enjoy a break on your terms , take them back and say " it would be great if you can take them at 3 pm while i take a bath " take control

Original poster
Th10 · 31/10/2023 18:00

@Lizzt2007
yes I understand they are his children too and I don’t want to seem like I am trying to control him as he wants his parents to spend time with them also. I could take them into the living room to spend time with them yes. but there’s still the underlying feeling of them with other people which I need to manage. I feel like they all think I spend too much time with them so when they are not at work they should be able to have their time with them too. I dread the days they are off and try to find something to do outside of the house. Now I am typing this I feel like I sound crazy.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 31/10/2023 18:02

I'd take any joint savings and move as close to your family as you can. This isn't going to get better.

Original poster
Th10 · 31/10/2023 18:02

@Eviebeans
I don’t think they ask. he takes them. I do give them to his parents some times only because I don’t want to look overbearing and feel I have to as I live in there house

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 31/10/2023 18:05

OP, this is very wrong. You need to talk to the HV and get her to set him straight. I would have hit the roof if my DH had done this.

Eviebeans · 31/10/2023 18:06

Then if his parents aren’t asking it feels like a problem with your DH rather than the grandparents
maybe when he takes the babies to them they feel like they are helping out rather than taking over
could it be that your DH is struggling and feels like he needs a break

Totaly · 31/10/2023 18:31

Either that or he’s after sex.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 31/10/2023 18:35

It sounds like you aren't actually asking for them back when you want them back? Like you're leaving them with them because you think you should? You don't have to do that. Just ask for them back. It's perfectly reasonable!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/10/2023 18:48

You need to explain to your DH that part of the post-natal hormone thing is wanting to keep your babies close to you at all times and feeling anxious if they're spending so long away from you (even in the same house). Tell him it's totally normal but you feel awkward asking for them back off the grandparents.

Totaly · 31/10/2023 18:49

Or tell you DP to stop handing them over.

Id be looking to move away if he doesn’t listen.

crumblingschools · 31/10/2023 18:52

Is it because your DH can’t cope on his own with the babies?

Heyln · 31/10/2023 19:29

You are totally in the right. I would hate this. My in laws were the same.. taking over and trying to take the lead all the time as though they are their children. I think you need to tell your partner how you feel and he needs to stop taking them into their bedroom at the very least. Definitely put boundaries in place now before resentment starts to set in. It will only get worse otherwise. From experience. It will just keep building up and up. If they have them in their room your husband needs to go in and bring them back once you want them back. If their excuse is they want to help you then they should be allowing you to take the lead. There are other ways they can help you out in the newborn days. Practical things like meals, help with cleaning, shopping, transport, a listening ear etc. The newborn stage is such a special time and you should not be made to feel silly or petty for wanting to have your baby with you. You are their mother and if they take it personally then it is their problem.

Allinadayswork80 · 31/10/2023 19:45

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, your DH needs to understand that you’ve been through a traumatic time and because they were in ICU you weren’t able to have the time with them you should have in their early days. You have very strong post natal hormones which make you need to have your babies close. It’s completely natural and maternal instinct. As PP’s have said, maybe approach your HV and ask them to explain this to your husband as he might actually listen then. Congratulations by the way x

billy1966 · 31/10/2023 21:01

My fear for you OP is that it is this type of unreasonable stress that could tip you into PND.

Your body is recovering from a big ordeal and you do not need additional stress and to be ridiculed and bullied when you very reasonably object to your babies being taken from you.

Tell your GP.

You need protection.

Your in laws may be nice but your partner isn't.

You are very vulnerable.

Bluela18 · 31/10/2023 21:11

I honestly think it's totally unreasonable for your husband to be taking his newborn babies who have been through so much , away from their mummy for a couple of hours. 30 mins OK but a couple of hours is a bit much. Why is he doing this when you leave the room, seems a bit strange. If it's making you stressed, as anyone would be, you have to put your foot down, this will not be happening anymore. They are your babies and you are not comfortable with them being away from you for a couple of hours, especially when he's just taking then whenever you leave the room. A good husband/father would take your feelings into consideration and say I will take them to you ( his parents) for 30 mins , or however long you are comfortable with and that's that. You have to start putting boundaries down and your foot otherwise things like this will keep happening!! They are your babies and hubby should be supporting you

BalletBob · 31/10/2023 21:12

This is really sad to read. You are a new mother who has gone through a fairly traumatic start with her twin babies. It is very normal at a basic biological level for you to need those babies physically close to you, and for them to need to be close to you. Yes, he is their father, but your role as their mother is a distinct thing in its own right. You and those babies need lots and lots of physical closeness at the moment. That doesn't mean that nobody else gets any, but it's not right to be removing babies from their mother for hours at a time without her requesting that - especially a vulnerable mother with vulnerable babies.

It's very worrying that you feel you can't have this conversation with your husband. Where are your family OP? Can anybody step in and advocate for you here? Is there somewhere else you and the babies can stay that would be safe?

YourWinter · 31/10/2023 21:14

This is weird and awful and I would absolutely not be able to tolerate it. There is absolutely no reason why his parents need to have your babies in their room, away from you. No reason at all, at least no good reason.