Newborns spending time with grandparents

[Th10]

Hi please let me know if I’m being unreasonable as I would like some perspective

I live with my partner and his parents who are lovely. I gave birth to twins at 28weeks who spent two months in the NICU. They have been home for around 6 weeks and they are three months old for context but only just reached full term.
Now that they are home my partner frequently takes them to their GP room without letting me know e.g if I go to the toilet or he’ll say I’m just taking them to my parents, which is fine but they will keep them for a couple of hours and if they are crying will come and ask for a dummy rather than give them back
i find this quite stressful but understand that they really want to spend time with the grandchildren and I am happy to do so particularly as I am living with them but I don’t feel comfortable when they are in their room and feel very stressed and anxious when they are away from me. I feel like every time I leave the Erik I am expected to pass over the babies
If I bring this up to my partner he will tell me I am overreacting or irrational.
can you advise how to go about this so they spend time with them but can you let me know if it is normal to feel this way even though they have been home for over a month?

If you are expecting childcare from them you need to let them build a bond as it will help the babies in the long run. Explain to your husband how long is acceptable so certainly not for hours.

What is your DH doing while the babies are with the GPS for a couple of hours?

I can completely understand wanting to have your babies close and not feeling comfortable hearing them distressed and not being given them back. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I suspect his parents think they are helping though, and don’t realise that their son is being massively inappropriate in sneaking the babies away from you, and for hours at a time, which is just awful. You really need to challenge your partner and explain that you’re happy to support the relationship between the children and grandparents but it has to be with your agreement and time limited, and at this stage you’d prefer to be with the babies and grandparents so you can respond when the babies are upset, given you’re their primary attachment

You're not crazy, you're a brand new mum with babies that spent their first weeks in hospital rather than at home with you ! It's natural to feel protective and want them in your sight. But yes, you're right, you do need to manage the feelings you have about them being with other people. It's not reasonable to expect dh to not share your children with his parents. you yourself say they're lovely people, so you know they're acting out of love.

@BrimfulOfMash
hell go upstairs on his phone

That is NOT NORMAL. And it is awful.

It is not ok to take babies from their mother - especially premature babies who’ve only just reached full term!

He is disrupting your ability to bond with them, and their ability to stimulate your breastmilk : your anility to regilate their temperature when they’re resting on you, and all sorts of things like that. He is totally ignorant. If he continues you will get depressed - that is the standard natural response of a mother whose babies are taken from her - and then he’ll say he’s taking the babies away to ‘help you’ and do it even more.

Tell your husband he has to choose, either he stop taking your banies away from you, or you move out asap. He cannot treat you and the babies like this.

No. No. No.

They are YOUR babies. They are not crying for a dummy, they are crying for you. If you can be there for them then go to them.

It's fine that they want to spend time with the baby but when they are crying they should always be returned to you. They are small and you are their security.

I think it's a good idea for them to spend time with Grandparents if they are going to be childcare but it shouldn't be at your distress.

I'd try and use it to your advantage such as pp's example of 3pm bath. But absolutely ask for them back when you want them back and have a word with your partner.

I don’t think there’s any problem with him taking them to his parents seeing as you all live together and they’re his children too. I do think they should bring the children to you when you want them back or when they’re unsettled.

Saying that though, when you’re spending time with a baby they do tend to fuss and you just get on with it. So maybe that’s why they ask for a dummy instead of immediately handing them back? They may also feel as if they’re helping out. What would your partner say if you had a word with him?

I also had premature twins, with one spending 3 weeks in NICU.

I hated them being out of my sight when they were little. Seeing the struggles of the NICU babies is something most parents thankfully don't have to experience, but when you do experience it then letting them out your sight is so hard and most traumatic.

I remember being exhausted and my DH was agreeing to MIL taking them for a walk and I was really cross as I didn't want to be apart from them.

It gets easier as they get older but for now just keep them close
X

So basically he doesn’t want to parent them so dumps them on his parents the minute you leave the room? Surely there’s a shared room where you can all be?

^OP,

Good men would not tell a new mother who has been through what you have been through "irrational and overreacting" becausethey want their babies close.

Arseholes do.

You do not want the babies removed for hours at a time.

He is wrong and you need to reach out to your GP and Health visitor.

He sounds like a bully who is very dismissive of you.

Please reach out for support.

These are newborns who need their mum.

YOU and only YOU get to decide how much time you are away from such tiny babies.

He doesn't sound like a kind man.

Contact your GP asap.

Where arevyour family?

Totally agree with this @Th10

It’s ok for a 10 min cuddle while you use the loo, it’s good for grandparents to bond. But after a short time then they come straight back to you. You can build up to longer visits over time. Your DH is the dick here. You need to tell him what is acceptable or not and make sure he complies.

@Smoochie4Eva o agree. I really think they’re trying to help out and do just get on with it.

I just worry because we had an argument when the babies were in the NICU. There was one intense week for me trying to establish breastfeeding and my DP thought it was the time to suggest that his parents hold them for the first time. I was very emotional about this as I was worried about it affecting my bond with the babies and although they did hold them, I believe he
holds some resentment for me and says I acted irrationally at the time so I worry that this will be another situation that I’d irrational and causes an argument

My now toddler spent 8 weeks in NICU and it was an incredibly traumatic time for me. He wasn’t premature as he was born full term but the stress that comes about when being separated from your newborn is terrible.

It sounds as if your DP hasn’t been understanding considering the circumstances. Suggesting his parents hold the twins for the first time when you’re trying to establish breastfeeding isn’t the greatest time in the world. It’s understandable that he doesn’t want his parents pushed to the side but he doesn’t seem to be taking your feelings into consideration.

He needs to understand that things will have to be slightly different than he envisioned due to the babies history. You shouldn’t have too, but could you suggest he brings the twins back down as soon as they start fussing? Or are you able to go to their room and say, ‘aw I heard they were upset, I just came to grab them’ sort of thing?

It’s hard when people are nice and they’re not trying to upset you but at the same time, you and the babies have been through a lot so everyone should be following your lead. You and DP need to be on the same page with this

@Screamingabdabz i agree. I do give them the babies every now and then but it’s when the GP are in the living room so I can go in and out and check on them. I think suggesting a shorter time is a good idea

Your feelings are entirely normal and of course it’s even more tricky because you are in their house. But - you are the mum. When it comes to your babies - your rules. You decide. It might cause a bit of a fight but maybe they don’t realise how you feel and are trying to give you a break? Please be firm about what you want. And tbh I would suggest moving out if you possibly can.

Agree, your feelings are entirely normal and probably mirror your babies' feelings. I was amazed by how much I wanted to just stay close. It's instinct and it's healthy.

It’s not irrational, it’s biology. You are programmed to feel this way as it keeps your babies safe and keeps up your milk supply. Your husband needs to educate himself.

I feel anxious just reading your posts and my babies are high school age! So I can imagine how distressed you are.

Be firm, speak to the health visitor about it as well. My DP overstepped (thinking he was being helpful) taking baby out of my arms and handing to other people to feed him when he was 2 days old. It wrecked me! He did a few other things, totally undermining my feelings so I told the midwife and she had a word and he seemed to understand after that. Sometimes it needs somebody else to advocate for you because they think you’re just being a hormonal wreck and don’t know any better.

I haven’t read the full thread but just to say, yes, it is entirely normal. I felt exactly the same way. I only had that problem with my parents when they visited from abroad, but both times they kept pressuring me to hand the babies over and I absolutely hated it. I felt like a part of me was missing and it made me so anxious. I also didn’t want a break from them - I appreciate that’s not how everyone feels, but I did.

My heart goes out to you having to deal with this on a daily basis. I only had a week per child, and was so happy to have my space back afterwards and be allowed to get on with looking after my babies in peace.

Interestingly I didn’t feel that way about my husband holding them - for those who say that they are his children too. I welcomed that, and he looked after them both for good stretches, changed nappies etc.

You do not sound crazy. This would be immensely stressful for most mums. Talk to your hv and ask if she can talk to your dh? And practice saying to the dummy request ‘no, why would I get them a dummy when I am right here? if they are unsettled I want to cuddle my babies. I’ll get them now.’

Your babies are not new toys that everyone in the house gets a turn with.

They need you, their mother. They need you more than they need their dad, and certainly more than they need these very weird grandparents.

Reach out to your HV and to your GP. Contact the doctor who cared for you and the babies in the hospital, and any midwives who cared for you.

This situation is completely untenable, and you are at risk of developing PND because of the bullying you are being subjected to by your husband and his parents.

You need the support of people who are sane and caring and who have your best interests uppermost. Your husband does not, and his parents do not. Your husband is only interested in facilitating his parents' abuse of you, showing off the babies to them and edging you out because he hasn't succeeded in cutting the apron strings and wants the approval of his mummy more than yours.

Living with the grandparents while saving for a home of your own is turning out to be a very bad idea. Please call your council and see if you can be placed on a housing list ASAP.

Even if you end up taking the babies into the bathroom with you when you use the loo, you need to stop the baby snatching that is going on, and you need to stand up to the verbal abuse your husband is heaping on you when you object.

Do you have parents of your own? Any family at all? Friends? You need to reach out to anyone outside of the house you are living in and ask for their moral support and if possible, a room to live in with the babies.

@EarlGreywithLemon @mathanxiety @Green321 @MariaLuna

I spoke to him and it ended up in a big argument and I’m told I am a psycho and crazy etc.
he has told me that I need to tell his parents that I don’t want to have them in their room.
I knew it was going to end in a huge argument, all I said was, ‘in the future if you’re going to give them to your parents, can you do it in the living room because it’s quite stressful to have them out of my sight. they’ve also not picked up on the hunger cues later times and they are breastfeeding on demand.

he’s told me that if i upset his mum in the way that I explain this to them then he wants me to leave by tonight.

I also brought up that I didn’t like when he took the baby out of my arms to give to his friend one time without saying anything. I said in the future at least let me know if you’re going to take them. He said he can take them any time he wants and doesn’t have to let me know.

the way he has handled this makes me feel sick and I feel like he will continue to pull the crazy card if I say anything else. I will speak to the HV today
thank you everyone