Newborns spending time with grandparents

[Th10]

Hi please let me know if I’m being unreasonable as I would like some perspective

I live with my partner and his parents who are lovely. I gave birth to twins at 28weeks who spent two months in the NICU. They have been home for around 6 weeks and they are three months old for context but only just reached full term.
Now that they are home my partner frequently takes them to their GP room without letting me know e.g if I go to the toilet or he’ll say I’m just taking them to my parents, which is fine but they will keep them for a couple of hours and if they are crying will come and ask for a dummy rather than give them back
i find this quite stressful but understand that they really want to spend time with the grandchildren and I am happy to do so particularly as I am living with them but I don’t feel comfortable when they are in their room and feel very stressed and anxious when they are away from me. I feel like every time I leave the Erik I am expected to pass over the babies
If I bring this up to my partner he will tell me I am overreacting or irrational.
can you advise how to go about this so they spend time with them but can you let me know if it is normal to feel this way even though they have been home for over a month?

Sorry OP, you really need to get out of there. He's not letting your mom come to visit? That's another huge red flag right there. And I'm not sure you told the HV everything if she mainly focused on your mental health and not his actions and your safety. Please please please leave. This is already escalating and will only get worse

GET OUT..,
please get out
find your inner lioness and get out with your babies now…
He is threatening you, he is isolating you from your family who want to help…
Put some essentials into car and go…
Even if you can’t put some essentials into car just grab the babies and go.. essentials can get replaced…
Please get out

So he wants to spend his days with the babies while also giving them to his parents every time he can? Huge control red flags in this relationship for me

Get out before he wears you down that you do have the strength to do so.

He is isolating you from your family and trying limit and control your interactions with your babies. That very clearly fits the definition or coercive control - which is domestic abuse. He's pressuring/manipulating you into doing things you don't want to. It's terrifying stuff and a terrible environment for your babies to begin their lives in. He wants you to ignore your maternal instincts, but those are there to help you give your babies what they need. This is an emergency - you have to find a way to get out now. Every day he takes advantage of your vulnerable state it becomes more normal and harder to escape. Ask your mum or another family member to pick you up ASAP - anyone would gladly take a day off work to help you in this situation. Half the population of mumsnet would like to give you a lift and would take a day off to help a stranger in your position. Be brave and tell your family everything you've written here, not just that you are suffering, but that you are suffering because he is controlling your interactions with your babies and your mum. You gave birth to these tiny humans and you are stronger than you think - use your strength to protect all 3 of you xxx

At the moment the current set up isn't working and is not fair, how is it fair that your children spend all of their time with one set of grandparents and when it is your mothers turn to visit for the day it is cancelled, you are extremely isolated which can't have a positive bearing on your well being and mental health, as a minimum I would insist on being able to spend a few days with your mother, if need be involve your mother and father in law, if they are in agreement that you can't leave then you need to speak to your health visitor and/or GP because this will only get worse, it can be extremely hard as a first time mum where everyone wants to help you by holding the baby or hogging the baby, help needs to be in a way where it is helpful to you and at the moment it is not. As a minimum I think you should be able to go and spend a few days with your mum as I think the time away will give you perspective and I would definitely take the babies, things will only get better if you stick up for yourself and fight for what you want, as hard as is it I think you need to have the hard conversations and not back down, the current setup you have is not working, and as nice as you say your in-laws are they are they are still causing you enormous upset so clearly something isn't working.

He's bullied you into cancelling your Mum's visit.

He's manipulative and abusive.

Shit partner and shit dad.

I would get my Mum to pick me up. Pack as much in the car as I could. Leave.

When you get there, ring your HV and tell her you've left. Tell her how he threatened you and wouldn't let you see your family.

Take some time to decide what to do.

OP this is escalating right in front of you and in front of us as you relay it to us.

WELL DONE for sharing what is happening with us, here. That is a fantastic step and it will also help you document and keep track of what's happened.

However, you need to get out of that house, OP.

He is isolating you from your mum. You have recently given birth, gone through the huge trauma of having poorly and vulnerable newborns, and he won't let your mum come and spend time with you?

He also won't let you leave unless you leave the babies with him. That is the same thing as him not letting you leave at all, because you cannot leave your babies, of course.

OP, this is escalating rapidly, and you need to get out.

Can you get out of the house today, under the guise of going for a walk/drive with the babies, and get to your mum's house?

May I also gently remind you @Th10 that this is not a safe and loving environment for your babies. I don't say this with any judgement on you - only to encourage you to follow your instincts and get somewhere safe, because of course you want the absolute best for your children and this place you're staying right now isn't that.

Wow. This man is utter scum. Threatening and coercing you - please seek advice from Women’s Aid.

Can you expose his abuse?

Please tell his parents what he is saying and doing including this threat to throw you out if you upset his mum. Tell them this - it sounds like they are sensible people who would be disgusted.

He’s clearly afraid of your mum so make sure she visits asap. Tell your ILs you want to see her but he refused.

Speak to your HV about him so it’s on record. Esp if he tries to claim you’re crazy - she will see that you’re not.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Your posts are chilling OP. You really need to get yourself and your babies away from this abusive man. He's setting the scene to keep your babies and sling you out at a later date without them. He's attempting to establish his mum as the primary carer.

Obviously you've been alerted to lots of red flags by comments on this post. On a very basic level, based on your last post, this is a really strange set up. Why do the GPs take them to their bedroom? That's quite strange? I'm sure if I lived with my in laws (which I think would be SO difficult in most circumstances anyway) I just can't imagine them taking the babies away to their own room. You're in an annex, their time with the babies should be when A you ask for them to take them for a while if you need a break or B when you are all together in the communal spaces. They might not mean harm but I've seen first hand how otherwise normal people can become totally unreasonable and overbearing (and actually quite selfish) when they become grandparents. And I'm 100% not one of those GP bashing precious mums that makes them jump through hoops, I think GP-child relationship is one of the most important ones to have. They've been in NICU, if you plan on staying tell them clearly you shouldnt be apart from them really at all for another few months, on the advice of HV. If they don't take that on board you know you need to take more drastic action.

Fuck me, he’s such a horrible cunt.

Oh op I read he wouldn’t let your mum visit. you need to get out. Could you leave while he’s at work? You can come back for more things…

@Th10 are you okay OP? I keep hoping to hear an update from you that you're at your mums and safe.

@Th10 hope you're doing ok, love

As a fellow NICU mum I can agree that being away from your child once they are home just adds to the trauma of leaving them for days/weeks/months on end at NICU, and the fear of something else happening to them is unreal.

it sounds like you have a good relationship with your in-laws. I feel like your in-laws are probably just trying to give you a chance to rest, and haven’t realised how anxious it makes you. I’m slightly concerned that your husband either hasn’t noticed this, or hasn’t listened to you.

Speak to your in-laws, tell them that you love that they love to be involved, and appreciate a small break here and there. Then explain that your anxiety sky rockets when they are away from you because of all the time you had to be away from them and leave them in hosp. Try to avoid any words that make it seem like they are keeping the twins from you, and avoid the word but.

look into EMDR therapy for birth/NICU trauma. Some councils have Talking Therapies (used to be called Healthy Minds) which you can refer yourself to.