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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newborns spending time with grandparents

242 replies

Th10 · 31/10/2023 17:26

Hi please let me know if I’m being unreasonable as I would like some perspective

I live with my partner and his parents who are lovely. I gave birth to twins at 28weeks who spent two months in the NICU. They have been home for around 6 weeks and they are three months old for context but only just reached full term.
Now that they are home my partner frequently takes them to their GP room without letting me know e.g if I go to the toilet or he’ll say I’m just taking them to my parents, which is fine but they will keep them for a couple of hours and if they are crying will come and ask for a dummy rather than give them back
i find this quite stressful but understand that they really want to spend time with the grandchildren and I am happy to do so particularly as I am living with them but I don’t feel comfortable when they are in their room and feel very stressed and anxious when they are away from me. I feel like every time I leave the Erik I am expected to pass over the babies
If I bring this up to my partner he will tell me I am overreacting or irrational.
can you advise how to go about this so they spend time with them but can you let me know if it is normal to feel this way even though they have been home for over a month?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 01/11/2023 22:13

I hope you can relax at your mums. No new mum should be put under stress separated from her babies, and that goes 10 times as much for a mum of prem twins who’ve been in nicu. You are dozing amazingly, you will feel so much stronger without this stress. It is completely unacceptable the way he spoke to you, once you’re at your mums tell him you cannot come back it when you ask him for support he gets angry and suggests you leave. You’d rather leave as he suggests.

Awittyandclevername · 01/11/2023 23:06

Also….. it doesn’t matter if you’ve been with them a long time? Are they making you feel you should only be with them a certain amount of time a day?? You’re their mum!! You need to be with them literally all the time. You don’t owe your children to anyone else. Anyone telling you that or making you feel like ‘you’ve had enough time with your own kids for now’ is not safe to be around especially when you’re in this vulnerable stage. Please go and take your babies and stay with a trusted parent/ friend would be my advice 🙏

Christine7 · 02/11/2023 00:05

Th10 · 01/11/2023 07:42

@EarlGreywithLemon @mathanxiety @Green321 @MariaLuna

I spoke to him and it ended up in a big argument and I’m told I am a psycho and crazy etc.
he has told me that I need to tell his parents that I don’t want to have them in their room.
I knew it was going to end in a huge argument, all I said was, ‘in the future if you’re going to give them to your parents, can you do it in the living room because it’s quite stressful to have them out of my sight. they’ve also not picked up on the hunger cues later times and they are breastfeeding on demand.

he’s told me that if i upset his mum in the way that I explain this to them then he wants me to leave by tonight.

I also brought up that I didn’t like when he took the baby out of my arms to give to his friend one time without saying anything. I said in the future at least let me know if you’re going to take them. He said he can take them any time he wants and doesn’t have to let me know.

the way he has handled this makes me feel sick and I feel like he will continue to pull the crazy card if I say anything else. I will speak to the HV today
thank you everyone

So if his mum is upset , he wants to throw you out of the house with your two newborn premature babies with a a few hours notice !!!

That’s one of the most disturbing threats I’ve heard on Mumsnet. You need to think long and hard about what kind of man would make such a threat.

CaramelMac · 02/11/2023 09:38

So he has said if you explain this to his mum and she gets upset then you have to leave? Does he think you’re going to leave the babies there with them?

I’m sorry to say that I don’t see your relationship lasting, he sounds controlling, angry and abusive. If I were you I’d leave now and never look back.

saffy2 · 02/11/2023 10:07

I don’t think you will get over this feeling, because what you’re feeling is normal. My children don’t leave my side at all really until they’re basically toddlers. I can’t stand it, I don’t want it and it’s not helpful to me or them for
them to be away from me. And I don’t really care
how that makes grandparents feel. It’s not their baby, I am the mother and those babies need me more than anyone else in the world.
I think you need to talk to your partner and show him some evidence about how babies need their mums.

Baba197 · 02/11/2023 10:48

YANBU

HelenHen · 02/11/2023 11:52

Hi OP. How is everything today? I've just read this thread and I'm really upset for you. It's obviously a pretty claustrophobic situation anyway, but him threatening to kick you out shows how low you are on his priorities. You have no security there.

Go stay with your mom but please try to get yourself some independence somehow by speaking to the HV, womens aid, etc.

I'm sure you don't want to rock any boat and feel like you're being extreme... but you need to be in control of this situation somehow.

I hope you're OK x

Original poster
Th10 · 02/11/2023 11:57

@CaramelMac
Yep that’s exactly what he said

I told him this morning I was going to my mums and I need some time away, he said I can go but I cannot take the babies with me and that if I leave he will come and get them. He knows I will never leave without the babies ):

OP posts:
coconutpie · 02/11/2023 11:59

Go to your mums, bring the babies with you. And call the police if he shows up and tries to take them away from you.

Original poster
Th10 · 02/11/2023 12:01

@saffy2 I spoke to his dad today who understands, and I’m sure his mum will understand, I just don’t know why it is such an issue with him. but since the babies have been home we have been arguing a lot over silly things e.g who’s more tired, and I think he sees this as my trying to cause an issue

OP posts:
saffy2 · 02/11/2023 12:09

You’re in the hardest part ever of your relationship tbh. It will be difficult, for probably a couple of years. And yours doubly so because you’ve got two babies. Don’t stand for him trying to separate you from your babies unless you want to be/need to be. If you feel like I did, you need to be forceful about the babies being with you.

Nicole1111 · 02/11/2023 12:21

He CANNOT separate you a breast feeding mother from her children. He’s using controlling behaving to effectively hold you captive. Ring your health visitor and tell her this (so it’s on record) then make a plan to leave while he is out.

Leopardpj · 02/11/2023 12:46

OP please divulge what he has said, about 'you can't leave me unless you leave the babies here', to you to your health visitor and to the police. He cannot hold you captive, if you want to leave with your babies you have every right to do so, he has absolutely no right to say you can't and this is seriously abusive behaviour. You must be so exhausted with all this but for your babies' sake you really really need to find it in yourself now to be strong and get them away from this man.

Christine7 · 02/11/2023 12:51

Leopardpj · 02/11/2023 12:46

OP please divulge what he has said, about 'you can't leave me unless you leave the babies here', to you to your health visitor and to the police. He cannot hold you captive, if you want to leave with your babies you have every right to do so, he has absolutely no right to say you can't and this is seriously abusive behaviour. You must be so exhausted with all this but for your babies' sake you really really need to find it in yourself now to be strong and get them away from this man.

This.

I know it’s hard but you need to speak to official people like your doctor and health visitors so they can get it on record. Do this for your own protection, in case he makes allegations later.

GreatGardenstuff · 02/11/2023 13:00

There are hopefully many years ahead for you to share your children with their DGP. Right now they are tiny and you want them with you, and that is absolutely fine. You need to tell DH that you are not irrational, but it is absolutely normal and right in the circumstances that you, and you alone, choose when you are away from them.

You don’t need to change how you feel, he does.

GreatGardenstuff · 02/11/2023 13:10

Sorry, I hadn’t seen your latest post about his controlling and abusive response to you asking him to understand your situation.

You need to get yourself and your babies to your mums asap, and tell the health visitor and GP about his behaviour. He’s threatening you with separation from your babies if you don’t submit to him, and gaslighting you by telling you your completely normal instincts are irrational. You need to get some distance between you and quickly, so you can work out what to do next.

Leopardpj · 02/11/2023 13:24

Just rereading your post OP it's actually worse than I thought, he's actually threatening to come and abduct the babies from you if you go to your mum's with them? Taking breastfeeding newborns from their mother to punish you for leaving?
OP please do what PPs have said and get this abusive threat on record with your GP, health visitor and preferably the police so you can protect yourself later if needs be. Please, please do this!

tattygrl · 02/11/2023 13:42

OP, he is now not letting you leave the house. Saying "you can go but you have to leave the babies" is the same as saying "you cannot leave", because of course you cannot leave your babies and go away.

You need to tell your HV.

Have you told your mum, as she would have been expecting you today?

Please tell people the EXACT wording he is using.

He threatened to kick you out if you upset his mum. He is not letting you leave unless you leave your babies. This is very extreme abuse right now.

tattygrl · 02/11/2023 13:48

If it's all too much, OP, can you take the babies out in a buggy or however you normally take them out, say you're taking them for a walk for some fresh air, and just go to your mum's?

You have the RIGHT to be wherever you want to be, especially right now after this traumatic time and with two young vulnerable babies.

You don't have to tell anyone where you are going. As soon as you can just take the babies out and go to your mum's if you can.

billy1966 · 02/11/2023 13:51

Th10 · 02/11/2023 11:57

@CaramelMac
Yep that’s exactly what he said

I told him this morning I was going to my mums and I need some time away, he said I can go but I cannot take the babies with me and that if I leave he will come and get them. He knows I will never leave without the babies ):

OP, more threats from him.

Tell your parents and involve the police if necessary.

I am so sorry but this is a really bad controlling and abusive man.

He is upping his abuse.

You need your parents, the police to support you.

He is absolutely beyond disgusting.

billy1966 · 02/11/2023 13:53

God help you but I don't think you realise how seriously you are being abused.

Please get back up asap.

You do not have to accept this.

Call your GP and health visitor.

This IS an emergency situation.

Original poster
Th10 · 02/11/2023 13:55

I have spoken to my mum she said I am free to come to hers and if he turns up she will support me, but it’s a 2 hour drive and I would have to make several stops for the babies to take them out of their car seats

i really don’t want to escalate the situation by going to my mums, but she is going to come up on Saturday and we are going to go out

OP posts:
tattygrl · 02/11/2023 14:00

Th10 · 02/11/2023 13:55

I have spoken to my mum she said I am free to come to hers and if he turns up she will support me, but it’s a 2 hour drive and I would have to make several stops for the babies to take them out of their car seats

i really don’t want to escalate the situation by going to my mums, but she is going to come up on Saturday and we are going to go out

When she comes on Saturday, could you go back home with her?

My heart breaks thinking of her having to say goodbye to you and the babies and leave you all with your H 😔

tattygrl · 02/11/2023 14:01

As a PP has said, I don't think you realise how serious this is OP.

JenniferJuniper80 · 02/11/2023 14:20

In the kindest way... use your big girl voice and fetch your babies from your partners parents! Everytime.

Explain that you are happier looking after your children and feel they need time with you.
Ignore any protests or claims of "we're happy to help " or similar .
If you don't nip this in the bud now you will regret it in the long term.
Congratulations on the birth of your twins.