Newborns spending time with grandparents

[Th10]

Hi please let me know if I’m being unreasonable as I would like some perspective

I live with my partner and his parents who are lovely. I gave birth to twins at 28weeks who spent two months in the NICU. They have been home for around 6 weeks and they are three months old for context but only just reached full term.
Now that they are home my partner frequently takes them to their GP room without letting me know e.g if I go to the toilet or he’ll say I’m just taking them to my parents, which is fine but they will keep them for a couple of hours and if they are crying will come and ask for a dummy rather than give them back
i find this quite stressful but understand that they really want to spend time with the grandchildren and I am happy to do so particularly as I am living with them but I don’t feel comfortable when they are in their room and feel very stressed and anxious when they are away from me. I feel like every time I leave the Erik I am expected to pass over the babies
If I bring this up to my partner he will tell me I am overreacting or irrational.
can you advise how to go about this so they spend time with them but can you let me know if it is normal to feel this way even though they have been home for over a month?

You're not being unreasonable, you're in a situation I would absolutely hate. I couldn't bear to live with my (lovely) in-laws for even a day after I gave birth, let alone in this situation which sounds like some sort of dystopian nightmare!

It's not at all ideal for new-borns to be away from their mother for hours at a time - you say they are sometimes taken from you for two hours? That's really weird.

It's also very troubling you don't feel you can say 'I'll grab him/ her back for a feed now if that's ok Granny' and just take your children back whenever you want. You should 100 per cent be in charge of what the babies are doing and where they are, who is holding them etc. All the time. You're their mum!

I would say you need to move out I'm afraid, and also you need to have a serious talk to your DH about how you need to ALWAYS be in the driving seat where the babies are concerned and if you think it's not ok for the babies to be away from you for so long then it's not OK, end of. It's not a question of whether he thinks you're overreacting/ being irrational (which is a massive red flag that he's saying that, TBH).

Even if you were being those things, frankly it's your prerogative, they're your babies and everyone else can sod off.

Your DH sounds like he needs to respect you more as the babies' mother and stop pandering to his parents.

This man has threatened to kick you out. He said if you "upset his mum" he wants you out by tonight. That is absolutely unacceptable, bullying, abusive and cruel. You are the mother of his very young, vulnerable babies who have just come out of NICU. OP, I hope you see this as the gigantic blazing red flag that it is. This is a cruel, selfish man.

Fantastic news, well done OP. Stay there as long as you need, as long as you can. Please don't be blackmailed or threatened back to your "D"H's/his parents'. You and your babies come first right now. I trust they're coming with you to your mum's? I'm so glad for you that you'll get some peace and the precious time with your babies that you ALL need and deserve.

@Redskyatwhatever

@tattygrl thank you yes they will be coming with me, I am lucky to have a very supportive family and have spoken to my mum about it

@MamaMissions I am going to speak to her about it later as she’s at work. But I really think she will understand, I have tried to explain to my partner that his experience and my experience as a mother when their children are out of site is different but I don’t think he understands the extent

I am so, so pleased to read this my love. So often we read posts and threads on here of women in your position and they're not willing, ready and/or don't have the ability to go somewhere else to get out of an abusive situation, so I'm just ecstatic that you're getting out, going to a place of love, safety and support. I'd give good, hard thought to your idea of leaving him. As you say, you want to enjoy your maternity, enjoy your children, and be able to look after yourself. He sounds like an absolute horror I'm sorry to say.

WELL DONE once again on this decision, OP. We're all here if you need us!

I hope your MIL understands, but if she doesn't, that doesn't invalidate your experience. My mother definitely didn't understand, she didn't feel the same way towards me as a baby. She accused me of being "jealous", "possessive" and "pacing around like a jealous tigress". But I'm lucky enough to have many very close friends who also have children, and I knew she was wrong. Just because she didn't experience it that way, didn't make my feelings any less normal!!

You need to be repetitive now.
They're repetitive.
So : Everytime it happens : Go in their room and say : I am going to give them Bath now. OR I am putting them for Nap. Or I'm taking them OUT.
There's loads of things which need doing with babies so ANY EXCUSE will do surely??????

Came on to say YANBU as I thought you meant they live in a different house. Sharing a house and him taking the babies to their room for a while is very different and not really unreasonable.
The doing it without checking with you first, though, probably is.
Can you all get together and agree times when it suits everyone?

Brilliant that you’re going to your mum’s- stay strong OP and enjoy your babies

It doesn't sound like it suits the OP to have her babies taken away to a separate room, regardless of the time. It certainly didn't suit me at that point. She doesn't owe that to anyone. The grandparents are surely welcome to spend time with the babies in shared living spaces, with their mother there.

@Th10 no as the grandma in this situation I would never have taken my granddaughter into my room to exclude her mum. I didn’t want to go into too many details but our situation was very complicated and actually my son’s partner was struggling mentally ( according to professionals not just me making it up to justify and bad behaviour of mine) Unfortunately one of the reasons they ended up living with us is that she didn’t have a supportive family of her own to turn to. I’m glad you have your mum and would urge you to go and live with her to get some space to think about the future of your relationship. My son and his partner did move out together but subsequently split up they both have their own places now, some years later we still see our granddaughter regularly and have a good relationship with her mum. If they are good grandparents you won’t necessarily lose their support if you break up with your partner, I am only too aware of my son’s faults.

Glad you are going to your mum. Your bastard partner is torturing you.

Please tell your MIL how and why he threatened you and you have contacted your parents.

A decent woman would be aghast.

This is a bad man.

Thank goodness you have contacted your parents.

Please tell your medical team that you left because he threatened you.

This is so serious.

To threatened to force a new mother to leave her housing because she wants to be with her babies.

This is so shocking.

I think he has you conditioned by his abuse of you that you are not as shocked as your readers of.

He is so bad.

You need to protect your babies and yourself.

Tell your family the absolute truth.

He doesn't want to care for his babies so dumps them on his parents at the first opportunity and threatens you when you object with forcing you to leave.

He is utter scum.

Do not buy a house with him.

Allow your family to give you the help and support you need and deserve.

You will get through this.

You're not crazy. You need to be with your babies, and they need to be with you - especially considering their start in life.

Time with you will be more beneficial to them at his early stage than time with their GPs, or even your partner, especially as you are breastfeeding.

Sorry your partner is being a dick about it. What was he like before the babies came? What was his relationship like with his parents? Could there be something else going on?

A new baby can turn anyone's life upside down - let alone two new babies, or a prolonged stay in NICU when you must have been worried sick. You also don't have your own space. Could he be struggling with the adjustment to being a dad?

If your ILs really are 'being helpful' then they will absolutely understand that you don't want your babies taken away from you out of your sight all the time.

So the impression I get from your posts isn’t that they come and take the baby, it’s that your partner can’t be assed minding them alone when you leave the room. He takes the babies to them so he doesn’t have to look after them is how this seems to me - you need to get a grip of him and tell him to take some responsibility.

Buy him a book which explains the fourth trimester. He’s not helping you at all, he ‘s handing care of his babies over to someone else as soon as you’re not there to stop him. They will recognise your heartbeat, your voice and smell from the womb. What you are experiencing is a primeval urge to protect your baby. You were denied part of this because they were premature and in ICU.
Be firm and take them back when you want to, not when someone else decides.

Why would your partner think it’s good for you to be separated from the babies? What a (insert your own insult). The strange sneaky nature of taking them away when you leave the room is really worrying. When my babies were tiny the grandparents offered and gave help to me, and had plenty of baby cuddles, but that never involved hours in other rooms.

He's a mummy's boy, I'm afraid, showing off his toys. That's all there is to understand here.

What he's telling you is that his parents have equal or even superior importance to you for him and for the babies. He needs a major correction to his thinking.

It is his feelings that are all wrong here, not yours. He needs to grow up fast and show his parents that he puts you first. He needs to wrap his head around the fact that he is married to you now, and that you as the mother of the babies are Number One for them.

His parents should be pushing him and the babies straight back to you every time he brings them to their room. The fact that they are not shows that this is a very dysfunctional family. Your PILs and your H are far too enmeshed . In this case, if they are not actively discouraging their son from keeping the babies from you and making it clear to him that the babies belong with you, they are encouraging his emotional dependence on them.

You need to give serious consideration to finding somewhere else to live.

You have been through a very traumatic time. As has your husband. Ask your HV if there is any extra support or groups for premie parents in your area. I think the way he has spoken to you is very wrong but understand he has had a difficult time too. Your inlaws may genuinely think they are being helpful but they are all lacking compassion to your feelings. I hope you have more support and understanding at your mums. You are not crazy.

THIS ^

Please call Women's Aid when you are safely at your mum's. You are the victim of an angry and controlling man. His threat to you made my blood run cold. This is 100% abuse.
Women's Aid - 808 2000 247

Do not talk to your MIL when she gets back from work. She and her son are as bad as each other - both are cruel and abusive and there is no amount of explanation or patient reasoning that will work on them.

Talk to your HV and your medical team and WA. Make sure what you say is noted.

@MammaTo yes correct, his parents have never taken them from me, but every time my partner takes them to his parents, the babies are in the living room or bedroom.

my partner said he doesn’t take them into their bedroom so they must be taking them on their own accord

Anyways once they are back I will discuss with them

You aren’t supposed to ‘get over this feeling’ my lovely. These are your babies. I would look to move out asap if it was me, they might be lovely but boundaries are so so important in any extended family dynamic. The most important thing here is that your husband should be on YOUR side. No matter what. A serious discussion is needed there. All of them really ought to have a bit more respect in all honesty, but I do feel you might need to put your foot down a bit too x

His parents are not part of your nuclear family. It just so happens you are living with them, most new parents do not live with in laws and probably see them once a week? Maybe less. Please do not feel you are being unreasonable AT ALL here. They shouldn’t be taking these children off you at all, unless you’re all sat together and you feel like it’s right to pass them for a cuddle.