Page 3 | Newborns spending time with grandparents

Th10 · 2023-10-31T17:26:10+00:00

Hi please let me know if I’m being unreasonable as I would like some perspective I live with my partner and his parents who are lovely. I gave birth to twins at 28weeks who spent two months in the NICU. They have been home for around 6 weeks and they are three months old for context but only just reached full term. Now that they are home my partner frequently takes them to their GP room without letting me know e.g if I go to the toilet or he’ll say I’m just taking them to my parents, which is fine but they will keep them for a couple of hours and if they are crying will come and ask for a dummy rather than give them back i find this quite stressful but understand that they really want to spend time with the grandchildren and I am happy to do so particularly as I am living with them but I don’t feel comfortable when they are in their room and feel very stressed and anxious when they are away from me. I feel like every time I leave the Erik I am expected to pass over the babies If I bring this up to my partner he will tell me I am overreacting or irrational. can you advise how to go about this so they spend time with them but can you let me know if it is normal to feel this way even though they have been home for over a month?

Popetthetreehugger · 01/11/2023 07:51

You need to be honest, they probably think they are helping you as their son brings them in . They are probably rolling their eyes and thinking not again ! If I were them I’d be thinking my room is my space to have some peace, if I’m in the lounge I’m fair game to help . So I think your partner is being unfair to them as well as you . Just tell his mum the truth.

Original poster

Th10 · 01/11/2023 07:58

@Popetthetreehugger thank you I will do. How could I put this across in a way that doesn’t sound too precious? I have to see them every so don’t want to make things awkward

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 01/11/2023 08:04

With all due respect @Th10, I don't think you have an in law/grandparents problem but you most definitely have a 'D'H problem!!!

He was horrible to you in NICU, he takes the babies away from you without checking you're ok with it and not only does he downplay your feelings, he calls you crazy etc!!! Telling you if you upset his mum then you'll be out, I would have packed up and buggered off then!

He's more attached to his mother than he is to you. I'd be seriously considering what the future looks like because 'men' like this, rarely change.

Nicole1111 · 01/11/2023 08:07

Tell his parents that you are so very grateful for their support, and love that they’re building a relationship with the children, but you’d also love to be a part of it too, as it makes you happy to see them so loved by others, but you also like to be close to them as a breast feeding mother. You don’t need to say any more and if anyone accuses you of being crazy for the above they haven’t got a leg to stand on.
In terms of your partner I fear you are in an abusive relationship. Calling you names, making you doubt your own sanity, using children as a weapon etc are all abuse tactics. Take a look at this image and see if you feel any of it applies. Then use it to inform your discussion with your health visitor about what you think is happening. You can also pay to do the freedom programme online (it’s not too expensive) and this will put you in a great place to tell if you’re being abused.

Newborns spending time with grandparents

littlepilo · 01/11/2023 08:11

mathanxiety · 01/11/2023 04:46

Your babies are not new toys that everyone in the house gets a turn with.

They need you, their mother. They need you more than they need their dad, and certainly more than they need these very weird grandparents.

Reach out to your HV and to your GP. Contact the doctor who cared for you and the babies in the hospital, and any midwives who cared for you.

This situation is completely untenable, and you are at risk of developing PND because of the bullying you are being subjected to by your husband and his parents.

You need the support of people who are sane and caring and who have your best interests uppermost. Your husband does not, and his parents do not. Your husband is only interested in facilitating his parents' abuse of you, showing off the babies to them and edging you out because he hasn't succeeded in cutting the apron strings and wants the approval of his mummy more than yours.

Living with the grandparents while saving for a home of your own is turning out to be a very bad idea. Please call your council and see if you can be placed on a housing list ASAP.

Even if you end up taking the babies into the bathroom with you when you use the loo, you need to stop the baby snatching that is going on, and you need to stand up to the verbal abuse your husband is heaping on you when you object.

Do you have parents of your own? Any family at all? Friends? You need to reach out to anyone outside of the house you are living in and ask for their moral support and if possible, a room to live in with the babies.

This exactly.

Please don't consider yourself precious to want to be with your babies. It's completely natural to be with them as their mum they need you. I don't know how your PIL can bear them crying for you and not return them so cruel to all three of you (you plus twins).

Perhaps better to speak to your HV first then speak to your MIL away from your DP as he will no doubt create a you versus us (him plus PIL) argument. Could your HV join your chat to help you verify your feelings are natural? Her presence may keep your DP civil too. I'd explain that I feel anxious being separated from the babies and that you please ask them to spend time together in the lounge not their room so that you can monitor their hunger and tiredness cues etc. View this as your first challenge to advocate for your babies needs. You are going to need to do this throughout their childhoods in many different scenarios.

Original poster

Th10 · 01/11/2023 08:14

@rainbowstardrops
yes I agree they are just wanting to spend time with them and they really love them and take care of them, it is my partner who I am having difficulty with trying to get him to understand how and why I feel this way.

I am really thinking of leaving as if I stay I will feel resentful and want to enjoy my maternity as much as possible

@Nicole1111
thank you for this, the way I was made to feel this morning was eye opening, as I brought the issue up very calmly and it got heated very quickly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Th10 · 01/11/2023 08:18

@littlepilo
thanks so much. I have an issue with people pleasing so this is a really uncomfortable situation so need to make sure I express it firmly. I will speak to the HV today, I did speak to her about it when she came and she explained that it was totally normal, although I asked when my partner left the room

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 01/11/2023 08:19

I am really thinking of leaving as if I stay I will feel resentful and want to enjoy my maternity as much as possible

I wouldn't blame you at all. Could you go and stay with your parents or family, so that you can get some headspace?

Nicole1111 · 01/11/2023 08:21

Th10 · 01/11/2023 08:18

@littlepilo
thanks so much. I have an issue with people pleasing so this is a really uncomfortable situation so need to make sure I express it firmly. I will speak to the HV today, I did speak to her about it when she came and she explained that it was totally normal, although I asked when my partner left the room

You can always text your health visitor (if you have her number) prior to the visit and ask her ask you to speak to her alone. If you don’t feel up to that you could go to the local children’s centre with the kids for support from them

Banrion · 01/11/2023 08:22

I think you do need to leave for a while. At least until he's willing to have a rational conversation. You know now that your feelings are valid. Everyone here has confirmed that. So go and get some distance for a while.

Timeforchangeithink · 01/11/2023 08:28

I don't understand st all. They are in the next room! You have them pretty much 24 hours a day, your ILs work and your DH wants to spend some time with his children and his parents. Sorry I can't see what they're doing wrong at all. You definitely need to speak to your HV who in all honesty is possibly bexgvyk advise as she can see the whole picture

Ottersmith · 01/11/2023 08:29

There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you're feeling and no need to control your emotions. You have been through a lot and I'm sorry your partner can't see that. Tell the HV and maybe she can say something. 2 hours is way too long to be away from you and he is compromising their weight gain and your milk supply.

Do you see him being supportive in any way as a husband and Father? If not then he is just going to ruin this experience for you and you'll never get it back. Would it be safe to go to your parents for a bit? I think you need to have a good think about how you see your future and if it is better without him in it.

WickedSerious · 01/11/2023 08:32

Timeforchangeithink · 01/11/2023 08:28

I don't understand st all. They are in the next room! You have them pretty much 24 hours a day, your ILs work and your DH wants to spend some time with his children and his parents. Sorry I can't see what they're doing wrong at all. You definitely need to speak to your HV who in all honesty is possibly bexgvyk advise as she can see the whole picture

Seriously?

Have you read all of the OP's posts?

Original poster

Th10 · 01/11/2023 08:33

@Timeforchangeithink i just don’t feel ready to leave them where I am not able to go and see them anytime that I want- I mean, they are in the next room - their bedroom - which I don’t feel I can keep knocking on their door and going to look at my children. I respect their space and don’t want them to feel like they can’t have time with them, but I think it should be in the living room

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Pigsears · 01/11/2023 08:36

Popetthetreehugger · 01/11/2023 07:51

You need to be honest, they probably think they are helping you as their son brings them in . They are probably rolling their eyes and thinking not again ! If I were them I’d be thinking my room is my space to have some peace, if I’m in the lounge I’m fair game to help . So I think your partner is being unfair to them as well as you . Just tell his mum the truth.

This☝️

You don't 'owe' time with your babies to your in-laws in return for living with them.

I felt anxious when my babies (including twins) were away from me too. I don't know if everyone feels this way, but I did.

Whatwillnye · 01/11/2023 08:50

You don't need to get over this feeling because it's a biological built in defense mechanism that protects babies from being unfed and left in the wild.
Your partner sounds like he hasn't a clue. Great that your in-laws are nice but they aren't the mum.
He is either doing this to stop you bonding with your babies and cause distress to your babies or he's seeing them as shiny new toys that he needs to show off.
Unless you ask for a break it's a no. They stay where you left them.

Original poster

Th10 · 01/11/2023 08:54

@WhatwillnyeThank you. He does it because he said I spend all day with them and feels like his parents should get to spend time with them too. Which I understand but not at the expense of my feelings when they are not in my sight, it’s such a strange feeling!

OP posts:

Nicole1111 · 01/11/2023 09:16

Th10 · 01/11/2023 08:54

@WhatwillnyeThank you. He does it because he said I spend all day with them and feels like his parents should get to spend time with them too. Which I understand but not at the expense of my feelings when they are not in my sight, it’s such a strange feeling!

Just to give you a bit of perspective - If you weren’t living together would they be spending hours with the kids each day? I think not! So while it’s nice for them to have a little time with them each day, or to see them for a bit in passing, unless you’ve signed a rental agreement that says the rent you pay his parents will be hours of precious time with your tiny babies he can shove it up his ass

Nicole1111 · 01/11/2023 09:17

Th10 · 01/11/2023 08:54

@WhatwillnyeThank you. He does it because he said I spend all day with them and feels like his parents should get to spend time with them too. Which I understand but not at the expense of my feelings when they are not in my sight, it’s such a strange feeling!

Also if you weren’t living with them do you think it would be reasonable to send your breast fed 3 months olds off for hours at a time with people who don’t recognise hunger cues?

Codlingmoths · 01/11/2023 09:19

Do you have parents you can stay with? I feel you should pack up the babies and go if possible. He said to leave- you need and deserve better than this husband right now. He doesn’t deserve you and his beautiful babies, and he isn’t trying to make parenting them as easy as it can for you, he isn’t looking after you.

Uggquestion · 01/11/2023 09:22

He doesn't sound very kind or supportive.

Sandcastles24 · 01/11/2023 09:41

If your babies are in their room it is no longer their space for you to respect. If they are crying just walk in no need knock or ask permission. No need for any discussion.
Find your fire.
If the grandparents are reasonable they will not object or comment.
They are your babies and nothing stands between you and them!
There is no need to worry others will find this unreasonable and if your DH does that is a separate telling discussion about his character. Other people don't have a say in how you act or what you do for your babies.

mn29 · 01/11/2023 09:47

Yanbu at all. It’s your hard-wired maternal instinct to want to be with your new babies.

MamaMissions · 01/11/2023 09:49

Have you tried speaking to your mother in law about the anxieties you are feeling? Maybe she might be able to relate from a new 'mother' perspective or may have had her own anxieties after giving birth that she can remember. She may even be thinking that your husband has 'okayed' it with you each time he is bringing the babies to her/grandpa?

EsmeSusanOgg · 01/11/2023 09:53

If you are feeding on demand, you need people who recognise feeding cues and when baby needs to go back to mum. Your husband sounds quite unpleasant at the moment. I'm not sure if a serious talk from a medical professional will help or not. Speak to your HV and be prepared to leave with the babies at a moment's notice if needed.