Newborns spending time with grandparents

[Th10]

Hi please let me know if I’m being unreasonable as I would like some perspective

I live with my partner and his parents who are lovely. I gave birth to twins at 28weeks who spent two months in the NICU. They have been home for around 6 weeks and they are three months old for context but only just reached full term.
Now that they are home my partner frequently takes them to their GP room without letting me know e.g if I go to the toilet or he’ll say I’m just taking them to my parents, which is fine but they will keep them for a couple of hours and if they are crying will come and ask for a dummy rather than give them back
i find this quite stressful but understand that they really want to spend time with the grandchildren and I am happy to do so particularly as I am living with them but I don’t feel comfortable when they are in their room and feel very stressed and anxious when they are away from me. I feel like every time I leave the Erik I am expected to pass over the babies
If I bring this up to my partner he will tell me I am overreacting or irrational.
can you advise how to go about this so they spend time with them but can you let me know if it is normal to feel this way even though they have been home for over a month?

Ask the health visitor to explain to him that what you're feeling is completely normal for a new mum. When I pass my baby over to my mum I have to go and sit next to them. I can't help it.😂

DH definitely thought I was being neurotic in the early days but he had the brains to understand I'd been through nine months of pregnancy, a difficult birth and my hormones were all over the place so he just went with what I needed. Your husband needs to put you before his parents. The idea of him taking your babies off you to a different room is awful. I hope things improve for you.

What you are feeling is normal. My first child I felt like this overwhelmingly so. To the point where I used to feel terrified when she wasn't with me. This lasted right up until she was about 12 months old.

My second child was born at 27 weeks. I felt it even more so with them. Having a baby this early is the most traumatic and scary experience I have been through. You are only 6 weeks out the other side. I can understand your partner wanting to celebrate his new children with his parents, wanting to do things he probably sees as normal but his level of understanding towards you is very cruel.

Do speak to your health visitor - your partner may take it more seriously if a professional explains to him that your feelings are not only valid but common in new mothers.

I would speak to your mil about it. She is probably completely unaware of the fact you feel this way and given that your dh keeps taking the babies to them, is probably under the assumption that you actually want the break. I don’t like the way your dh is speaking to you, acting like you are being irrational when you aren’t. Of course you want your babies with you most of the time. If he threatens you again saying you’ll have to leave , do exactly that. Sometimes it’s the only way people learn how utterly s* their behaviour is.

This is one of the worst examples I’ve seen of a woman being treated postpartum. Your babies don’t need time with grandparents to bond at this time, all they need is you, and to a lesser degree your partner. The babies won’t remember this time. Although your partner is behaving like a twat, the grandparents are being awful too by going along with this.

If someone took my newborn to another room for two hours I’d be apoplectic with rage. Can you find some anger about it all? Being angry may make it easier to confront them.

@cherryscola wow that must have been hard at 27weeks!
I feel as though because they were in the NICU for so long, they are being looked at as if I have been with them for a long time, they are only just the size of newborns at three months old! So I am very protective of them.

@GodspeedJune think after this morning I am definitely angry. I find it hard to be confrontational but did expect a level of understanding from my partner which I did not get. He said if I make his mum upset in the way I explain the issue to her, then he wants me to leave. Personally I cannot look at him in the same way anymore. Even if he didn’t agree the way he acted was enough for me to want to leave

I've read your updates, OP, and skim read the other comments so apologies if I'm repeating. But to be honest, even if I am, I think it bears repeating...

You are in an abusive relationship. The way that your partner is treating you is abusive. Calling you crazy and irrational when you are nothing of the sort, taking your vulnerable newborns out of your arms without discussion and telling you that it's his right to do so, removing them from you for hours on a daily basis and bullying you when you object, threatening to throw you out. He's an abuser. Pregnancy and new motherhood is a textbook time for abuse to begin in a relationship.

You need to get away from this man and immediately halt all plans for buying a house with him and especially any plans you may have to marry him. Do you have family who would take you and the babies in? Please speak to Women's Aid and your HV, and be completely honest with them. Tell them everything you've said here. I know it probably feels like Women's Aid is for other people and you probably don't identify yourself as being in an abusive relationship, but they are there for women in exactly your situation. This is what they exist for. Some distance from your partner would give you clarity I think.

OP, they are your babies and you are their world.

At the moment, you are the ONLY person they need.

You are the centre of their world and they need to spend as much time with you as they can especially if you’re establishing breastfeeding with preemies. Being close to you will help regulate them as they are soothed by being near you and it helps with establishing sleeping/feeding routines etc.

There is NO biological need for your babies to be with GPs for two hours each day.

Your DP sounds very abusive. No normal person takes a two day old baby from its mum’s arms to hand then to a friend. From what you’ve said about how he was in NICU, sounds like he’s punishing you for not “behaving”. Does he have a history of controlling behaviour? I’m wondering what the family dynamic is like with his parents. Is his dad similar or would they be appalled? If I found out my son had told his partner to leave her house with their newborn babies I’d be kicking him out faster than he’d think possible. He has no right to take your babies from you and if you split up no court would give him 50:50 contact with breastfed newborns. I’d tell his mum about the argument and what he said but only if you think it will be safe to do so. What do they think about the fact that they’ve got newborns to look after while their son is off playing Candy Crush?

You should be the centre of the household at the moment with everyone revolving around you! Babies come first, then you then everyone and everything else. You’re recovering from the birth and also having your babies in NICU plus you’ve got twins. You should be getting support not abuse.

If you haven’t found them already, there’s an amazing bfing twins and multiples Facebook group that got me through the early months of twin mumming…Breastfeeding Twins and Triplets UK. There is nothing they haven’t been through and there’s always someone around for support, even at 2am (been there, done that!). Speak to your HV and keep posting, maybe in Relationships for help.

It was horrendous, I still suffer with the flashbacks and overwhelming fear whenever they get a bit poorly with so much as a cold. I am still on anti depressants because of how bad the experience was.

I cannot imagine trying to navigate all of those feelings and having such an unsupportive partner, who is essentially calling you crazy and trying to invalidate you're feelings, telling you how wrong you are and that he will prioritize his mother over you. The fact he said he would ask you to leave if you tried to have a discussion about this and risked upsetting his mother is horrible. Truly.

Switch the narrative OP - tell him that you will leave off of your own back if he doesn't start taking your feelings seriously and supporting you properly.

Having a baby/s is a huge adjustment and I appreciate looking in from the other parents view it may seem extreme but your partner is not willing to even listen to you. He is putting everyone else above you and how you feel - bar the babies you should be top of his list, you have just carried and birthed his children ffs.

My son and his partner lived with us when my granddaughter was born ( at term and fully healthy) it was a struggle for us all to adapt to sharing a house tbh. We had good reason to be more involved grandparents than is normal. We spent a lot more time in our bedroom than usual to give them some space, if my son had come into our room to ask us to have her and his partner wasn’t saying anything to the contrary I would have assumed that they were struggling and needed a breather. Being all together in the living room and us being gently supportive was the usual experience for us.

And if I found out that my son was whipping her away as soon as his partner left the room so that he didn’t have to parent himself for a short while I would be having words with him

Play silly games, win silly prizes. He played a game of trying to manipulate and control you in to doing what he wanted by suggesting you should leave and now he might actually get to watch you leave.

Thanks for your perspective. I think as I haven’t said anything directly to them they may think they are being helpful. Did you take them into your room on your own accord? I think this is where I feel a bit out of control, as Id feel uncomfortable to keep knocking on their door. I don’t want it to be awkward for either party

If you can put a stop to this ASAP I'm 100% positive that my mother in law caused my pnd due to taking my daughter off of me without consent all the time. I wasn't strong enough to ask for her back and ended up totally resenting my mother in law. I think it also caused me to have major separation anxiety from my daughter and spiralled me into a very bad place that any new mother shouldn't have to be in. Tell them that If you are home the children will be with you because your still trying to establish routine and they are your responsibility whilst you are around!

So he is now threatening you?

Having dismissed you and belittled you to shut you down he has now threatened you.

You are with an abusive man.

Controlling and abusive.

I realise this is really shocking for you to hear but this morning confirms it.

Where are your family?

You need to call Womens aid, your GP and health visitor.

HE has chosen to show you just how ugly he is when you are vulnerable.

You need now to be very careful.

I doubt this is the first time he has been this way.

You need to start talking to people and create a paper trail with your GP and health visitor.

I am so sorry.

It is critical that you reach out for support.

@billy1966 thank you for saying exactly what I wanted to say. Absolutely spot on I couldn't have said it any better.

This is what I thought too. Also when they cry they want you their Mummy, not a stupid dummy. If they cry go to get them.

Thank you everyone, I am going to stay at my mums tomorrow

Oh thank goodness.

He is abusive.

But if your DIL had premature twins and it was always your son doing the "bringing" for hours at a time each day, wouldn't you think to check in with DIL and see how she's doing? To see how you could help her out by facilitating more bonding time between her and her babies, given that it's OP those babies need to be physically close to?

I think OP's partner is an abusive bastard but I think his parents are enabling him and can't really be taking much notice of how OP is really coping if they've literally not picked up on anything.

OP, if I were you I would speak to your health visitor ASAP, to any other medical professional you are still seeing from the hospital, and also to your parents/close family/ close friends. You really need their support right now. You are vulnerable, living in someone else's space and you are being treated badly. It doesn't sound like these people have your interests at heart.

I have never said this on Mumsnet before, but I'd seriously consider staying with trusted friends and family for a while so they can support you and look after you. You've been through a lot, you've done so amazingly well caring for your babies, but you need support and care as well, and you are not getting it where you are.

After that, I would consider doing anything you can to find permanent accommodation in your own space away from your in laws, whether that is with your partner or not. The current set up might well see you bullied for the rest of your maternity. This is a special time to enjoy your babies and bond with them. You should be free to enjoy it, not battling stress, and anxiety.

Please don't listen to the people who "don't understand what the problem is", "see no big deal", "they're only in the next room", "you are lucky to have involved grandparents", "you'll need childcare from them later" etc. Your biological need to have the babies with you is entirely normal. Maybe not everyone experiences it, but many do, and it is perfectly valid. It is also very important for EBF babies for picking up hunger cues, building milk supply etc.

I still remember my son just wouldn't stop crying one time during my parents' visit and I had enough, marched up, and picked him up from them. He immediately calmed down. My mother kept saying she didn't understand, what did he need, she'd been trying everything to soothe him. The answer was very obviously "his mother"!!!

Cross post- I just saw you are going to stay with your mother. That's great- do tell her everything you have told us here, and enlist her help. If you were my daughter, I would move mountains to help you in this situation.

My baby is 6 months old and I still hate to be away from him especially if I know he is unsettled or crying, you are NBU and have been through so much with your babies who are still so little it is complete human nature to feel a need to be with them! Maybe your OH and ILs feel they are helping/want to spend time with them but you should be able to feel included in this and not feel out of control as the mother to your newborn babies xx hugs

Think I'd make it a permanent move to your mum's!

I'm glad you're going, your DP sounds awful!

I don't understand the setup though, why is everybody spending all this time shut in their bedrooms?

Surely it would nicer to be based in the living room, then whoever is about can give the babies a cuddle there and you can nip to the loo or whatever but come back and they'll still be there?