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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newborns spending time with grandparents

242 replies

Th10 · 31/10/2023 17:26

Hi please let me know if I’m being unreasonable as I would like some perspective

I live with my partner and his parents who are lovely. I gave birth to twins at 28weeks who spent two months in the NICU. They have been home for around 6 weeks and they are three months old for context but only just reached full term.
Now that they are home my partner frequently takes them to their GP room without letting me know e.g if I go to the toilet or he’ll say I’m just taking them to my parents, which is fine but they will keep them for a couple of hours and if they are crying will come and ask for a dummy rather than give them back
i find this quite stressful but understand that they really want to spend time with the grandchildren and I am happy to do so particularly as I am living with them but I don’t feel comfortable when they are in their room and feel very stressed and anxious when they are away from me. I feel like every time I leave the Erik I am expected to pass over the babies
If I bring this up to my partner he will tell me I am overreacting or irrational.
can you advise how to go about this so they spend time with them but can you let me know if it is normal to feel this way even though they have been home for over a month?

OP posts:
Tigermearns · 03/11/2023 14:28

After reading all your responses to people. He sounds emotionally abusive.
You need to leave that house with the babies and leave that relationship. He is in no way supportive of you being a mum and it will only get worse as time passes that it's his way or the highway telling you that you have to go whilst he refuses you access to the children. No decent person in their right mind would ever tell a new mum that she can leave but without her babies just because she actually wants to bond with her own babies.

Myfabby · 03/11/2023 14:29

Th10 · 03/11/2023 12:14

Hi everyone I spoke to his mum who was absolutely fine with it she said initially she felt a bit hurt, but she understood the anxiety annd felt similar when she became a mum and thought she was helping and giving me a break. But both GP are fine with having them in the living room. I still haven’t spoken to my partner so just waiting to see my mum on saturday

again thank you everyone I am trying to reply to messages but busy with the babies x

Take care of you and your babies. Hopefully this conversation resets boundaries with your partner as well.

Nicole1111 · 03/11/2023 14:40

Th10 · 03/11/2023 12:14

Hi everyone I spoke to his mum who was absolutely fine with it she said initially she felt a bit hurt, but she understood the anxiety annd felt similar when she became a mum and thought she was helping and giving me a break. But both GP are fine with having them in the living room. I still haven’t spoken to my partner so just waiting to see my mum on saturday

again thank you everyone I am trying to reply to messages but busy with the babies x

Did you tell either of his parents that their son has been calling you a psycho etc for feelings the health visitor has said are completely
normal?

billy1966 · 03/11/2023 15:00

Did you tell his parents of the verbal abuse you have suffered and his threats to force you to leave.

I would hate to think of you alone in a house with him.

He is highly abusive.

You need to be ready to leave with your mum and you need to inform the police that you are leaving because of his abuse of you and threats.

I feel so sorry for you but your relationship is over.

He is not a good man.

Please leave with your mother and get your babies to a safe place away from him.

MargotBamborough · 03/11/2023 15:06

I don't think you are being unreasonable, OP.

If I've understood correctly you are living with your in laws which means there are parts of the house you feel you can't just wander into as you please, such as their bedroom.

In those circumstances I don't think it's unreasonable to want your babies to stay in a communal area such as the living room where you can see them and know when they are hungry and you don't feel you have to knock on someone's bedroom door and ask if you can please have your baby back.

Original poster
Th10 · 03/11/2023 17:11

@MargotBamborough exactly that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Th10 · 03/11/2023 17:14

@Awittyandclevername Yes that’s how I feel, as the GPs are off Friday to Sunday and it feels like my partner expects me to ‘share’ them during this time. I honestly dread it.

OP posts:
Vegemiteandhoneyontoast · 03/11/2023 17:25

Swap a human mother for a lioness or a bear with cubs, a sow with piglets or any other female mammal with young and try to imagine persuading them to 'share' their young ones. Not going to happen is it? And humans with young ones are no different. Try to take their babies away and you'll get bitten and you'll deserve it.

Bigcat25 · 03/11/2023 17:56

Op, it's actually very important that the newborn bonds with someone in the first yr. It could be the grandparents, but that probably wouldn't be your choice. Usually it's advised for gps to help out by helping with, chores like getting bottles, food prep, etc, so that you can bond with your kids.

Your husband my be doing something harmful to them by taking them away too much. It's probably fine as it's not like you never see them, but still. Especially where they were premature they should spend a lot of time with you. There's lots of research on this.

Blondebrunette1 · 03/11/2023 20:34

@mathanxiety aahh, you as I didn't read my next comment, I read the original post and first page of comments, at which point I felt there wasn't enough context to quit on her partner and family set up especially as she said she really likes them and actually at first didn't give the impression he was such an AH. I have since read more and obviously have changed my view and will in future read all of OP's additional posts.

However, it's not misogynistic too not instantly jump to the conclusion that everything is unfixable, too many of these threads encourage people to quit with no communication, people make mistakes, what they do to rectify them counts in most cases. I read one thread where the op was encouraged by many to leave and register their child's birth without naming the father (the OP's partner) whom she had no other issues with besides a disagreement about names!? Lots of these threads have a large proportion of posters telling others their relationship is beyond repair and doomed, even if the threads not about their relationship and they can't possibly know enough to judge. All I was actually saying to the op on this thread was give them a chance to put this right by telling them how you feel

mathanxiety · 03/11/2023 22:03

You can tell who the posters without partners are
This is the misogyny.

fifimummy · 03/11/2023 22:30

This has all hurt my heart for you 💔
Honestly he should be bending over backwards to make sure you're supported and feeling ok after such a rough time....
I didn't want to let my daughter out of my sight for the first year and she wasn't prem and a normal birth xxxxx
I want you to visualise how much more calm you'd feel chilling at your mum's , with your babies without thinking about this, it'll free your mental space a bit and you can hold/love them for as long as you like.....as it should be
Get out.....take some space and time
Tell some people in authority why you're doing this so it's documented and reassess when you've done this
Reading the comments from you previously, I'm pretty sure you'll miss nothing and nobody from this set up
Which is desperately sad...
But .....it's you and your babies
Stay strong xxxxx

WillowCraft · 03/11/2023 22:53

The babies are too young to be away from you, unless you want a break. Otherwise they should be with you. If grandparents want to see them then they can do it in a communal room that you have full access to. I really don't think it's wise for them to be in their bedroom. That is weird. Why would adults spend the day in their bedroom anyway?

There is a huge safeguarding red flag here. Taking very young babies away from mum against her will and keeping them in a bedroom for hours at a time. It sounds like you are paying for your stay by allowing them access to your babies. Urgh. No way would I ever allow anyone to close a door between me and my baby unless I choose to allow it. Follow your insticts here and politely but firmly lay down some ground rules. If they won't do as you ask, that tells you all you need to know

WillowCraft · 03/11/2023 22:55

mathanxiety · 03/11/2023 22:03

You can tell who the posters without partners are
This is the misogyny.

Why is that misogyny?

It could apply to men or women with male or female partners

Sunnydays60 · 04/11/2023 02:12

I agree with some of the other posters about letting someone in authority know the reasons if you do want to take the babies with you to your mum's as I'd be worried he would use it against you in future if you did just take them. He sounds like he has major issues tbh and I'd be suggesting he gets some kind of help from a professional to work through them. As if he's trying to put it all on you and make out like you're the crazy one!!!! Hopefully though, given his own mother (the one he seems most concerned about!) can understand your plight, he can be talked into seeing sense. I know that might not be enough to fix the relationship but at least it might make him more understanding?! (Or at the very least back down for being unreasonable!)

Phoenixfire1988 · 04/11/2023 11:01

The problem here is your husband ! He's palming the kids off to his parents constantly because he cba to watch them for 10 mins and they probably think you're on board with it and they are doing you a favour not realising it's stressing you out , maybe speak to your MIL and explain you appreciate all the help but your dh handing your babies off for hours at a time is making you feel really upset .
You need to put your foot down or he's just going to continue to steam roll you and disregard your feelings constantly he sounds absolutely awful tbh

WannabeMum22 · 04/11/2023 14:35

@Th10 really hope you've made it to your mums safely with your babies and you're away from that horrible abusive man

Fionaville · 04/11/2023 14:45

It's completely unreasonable. They are your babies! If DH takes them to GP room, go and get them! They are YOURS!

Blondebrunette1 · 04/11/2023 15:26

mathanxiety · 03/11/2023 22:03

You can tell who the posters without partners are
This is the misogyny.

@mathanxiety No, sorry to disappoint that comment was not referring to a specific sex but those who aren't happy in their own personal relationships or don't have partners and are seemingly of the mindset that all relationships are doomed/unfixable at the first hurdle. I'm sorry if that touched a nerve or is you.

mathanxiety · 05/11/2023 01:22

I'm not buying that.

Your insinuation of projection or personal axes to grind is deeply problematic on several counts.

You clearly know nothing about abuse.

SingleMum11 · 05/11/2023 01:27

YADNBU

Nip this in the bud straight away. It’s really not OK to take your babies off anytime he likes, he’s treating you like a brood mare and not a mother. You are the main carer, the main bond to be honest. He doesn’t get to take them anywhere without asking, really he doesn’t. Find your inner lion mother feelings and make this very clear to him.

LimePi · 05/11/2023 03:39

I would not tolerate babies handed over for couple of hours and crying away from me when I want them back, your partner is being unreasonable.

LimePi · 05/11/2023 03:44

Wow, read the update.
During the argument your partner told you to leave the house (!) and even worse, without the babies (!) ??
and that “he’ll come and get them”??

be very careful with this man

rainbowstardrops · 05/11/2023 09:13

Did you speak to your HV again @Th10 and did your mum come to you yesterday?
Your partner sounds vile but the GP's sound quite understanding now.

Original poster
Th10 · 05/11/2023 12:02

@rainbowstardrops @SingleMum11 I did speak to the HV who said how I feel is completely normal and to fill out a mood assessment form to direct me to some sort of therapies etc.
honestly I’m just a bit fed up. I think if he was off every day I’d only be given the babies to feed and he’d give them to his parents for everything else. I really don’t understand. Yesterday one baby was crying and he said ‘do you want me to give him to my mum’. Why?! He thinks they should be spending equal time with his parents and me.

my mum didn’t come down because he said she couldn’t because he wanted to spend his days off/the weekend with them. Things would have escalated if I asked my mum to come and I really don’t have the energy for any arguments.

OP posts: