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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

784 replies

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 16:39

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP posts:
Fartooold · 31/10/2023 16:42

Honestly?

I'd suck it up and host her. Let's be honest, it really could be her last and at least you'd have the moral high ground over your siblings.

Is she a major pain to put up with?

Octavia64 · 31/10/2023 16:43

You can't make your brother host her. Clearly, he won't.

So you can completely ignore the whispers.

What do you want to do?

LongLiveGoblingKing · 31/10/2023 16:45

Unless she were truly awful to have around I would host her. Or reach out to the other two siblings and ask if they can take her? They might relent if they think it's likely to be her last one.

Mummyratbag · 31/10/2023 16:46

What would I do? I'd host my Mum, but I don't know what your relationship is like and what is involved in hosting her. I couldn't let someone I love be on their own at Christmas just because my siblings were rubbish.

Mischance · 31/10/2023 16:46

Host your Mum - let your inconsiderate siblings do as they may - you do the right thing.

I am that woman - nothing like 90 though! - widowed relatively young and living alone. If I felt that my AC were squabbling over who should have to put up with me at Christmas I would be heartbroken.

Let me tell you that losing your role in the family and losing your husband is agony - true agony. I live my own life, full of activities so my AC do not feel responsible for me in anyway - but boy is it lonely!

This will be you one day - it really will.

Take her in for Christmas with a good grace. If I thought there was a heaven I would tell you your reward will be there! But you would be doing a good thing.

AllosaurusMum · 31/10/2023 16:46

I’d have my mum. What are you planning to do for Christmas? If it just dinner with your family why can’t your mum just come too? Is the hotel because you don’t want to host her or you don’t have room?

WeighDownOnMe · 31/10/2023 16:48

You'd leave a 90 year old without either of her children on Christmas Day to spite your brother, who has fucked off anyway and doesn't care either way?

VickyEadieofThigh · 31/10/2023 16:49

I didn't have much of a relationship with my mother who was not easy to be with, but if she'd been left on her own I just couldn't have let my annoyance and anger at my brother make me refuse to have her with me for Xmas.

Your brother is going away whatever you do. Look after your mum.

gannett · 31/10/2023 16:49

You haven't been alternating years with your brother, even if that's what you think you agreed. You've been the default host. Of course he doesn't think it's his turn.

It depends what your relationship with your mother is like, and how much you enjoy spending Xmas in her company. If either of these things are good, then hosting her will be a net positive, even if she doesn't say thanks afterwards. If there's a huge back story about her treatment of you, then - as someone NC with my parents - I sympathise, but I also wouldn't have hosted for the past decade.

Khvdrt · 31/10/2023 16:49

How is one person causing immense cooking, cleaning and laundry? Have I missed why you don’t want your mum there?

SeulementUneFois · 31/10/2023 16:49

Definitely don't have her.
Everyone else doesn't want to, and hence doesn't do.
Why do you have to do it, when you also don't want to?

Pegsmum · 31/10/2023 16:49

My advice would be to rise above it and host your mum. I honestly understand your annoyance at your brother, I had no choice either and hosted every Christmas-and dreaded it.
Now she’s gone I wish I was moaning about having to host her.

Deliaskis · 31/10/2023 16:49

Much of this seems to rest on your relationship with your Mum, which you haven't really explained. Because if it is otherwise good, I can't think of a reason why you wouldn't host her, simply to make a point to your brother. If however she is hard work/a drain on everybody's mood then you may have a point that somebody else should carry the burden. But I don't see, under normal circumstances, how one person can be such a burden, for a few days.

Unless she's dreadful, I would have her for Christmas, of course I would.

EvilElsa · 31/10/2023 16:49

Your poor mum! I'd be absolutely devastated if my family were squabbling over who was obligated to have me for Christmas like some giant burden. Especially at 90 with limited Christmas days left. Awful.

BethDuttonsTwin · 31/10/2023 16:49

Is she very difficult? Because I can’t think of any other reason you wouldn’t just host your 90 year old mother. You won’t have to do it for too much longer.

Viviennemary · 31/10/2023 16:50

Just do Christmas. Somebody has to. I agree the others are selfish though.

Dacadactyl · 31/10/2023 16:50

I'd have my mum round but my siblings would get short shrift from me.

If it was my sister doing this, we'd be having WW3 over it, but then we can do that and there be no impact on our (good) relationship as a result.

gannett · 31/10/2023 16:50

I suspect there is indeed a huge back story, from the clue that two of the siblings have opted out completely and the reference to the mother's woe-is-me guilt trip reaction.

ginasevern · 31/10/2023 16:51

This is so difficult and so unfair on you. Sons always seem to get away with murder. I would host her as it really could be one of her last Christmases, although he could live for another 10 + years in which case she may be in a residential home. I'd put her up at a local hotel which, in theory, should help with your workload. Perhaps you could pay for taxis too and from the hotel so that you can all have a drink (if that's important). I don't understand why you have to pay £500 for a taxi to collect her from her home and take her back. How does she normally get to yours for Christmas? If you pick her up by car can you not do the same this year?

IncompleteSenten · 31/10/2023 16:51

I'd not host purely because they will carry on manipulating you as long as you let them.

I'd book my own bloody holiday and bugger off too.

mbosnz · 31/10/2023 16:52

I'm a bit of a hard nosed bitch when it comes to family, but honestly? I'd have my mother. If nothing else, to me, Christmas means including those who would otherwise be alone, unless they're so utterly horrible, they deserve nothing else. My mother wouldn't come under this heading. (Although I can think of a few other rellies that so would. . .)

mbosnz · 31/10/2023 16:53

On the other hand I'd be buggered if I ever hosted my grifter of a brother again!

Emptyheadlock · 31/10/2023 16:53

You brother is a selfish nob.

But what of the other 2 siblings you have?

Why is this just on your brother? You're 1 of 4.

I get your frustration, and they are awful to do this. But, I couldn't leave her alone. Unless she's awful of course.

Diolchynfawr · 31/10/2023 16:53

What is most important to you?

showing love to your mother

or

proving a point to your brother

Choose the one you can live with best.

Octavia64 · 31/10/2023 16:55

If you do host her, can you cut down on the amt of cooking?

You say the laundry, cooking and cleaning are a pain (and I hear you!) - can you suggest maybe a meet up of your family on Boxing Day at a pub somewhere? More meals out/ less fancy meals?

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