Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

784 replies

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 16:39

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 31/10/2023 17:19

It's nobody's responsibility. The mother is a competent adult - she'll be absolutely fine on her own, or making some other arrangement.

OP, you don't have to do anything you don't want to - book a holiday, stay at home, whatever. All this nonsense about "people shouldn't be on their own at Xmas" is crazy - it's one day, for flip sake.

Redglitter · 31/10/2023 17:20

I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days

Immense amount?? She's 90 how much extra cooking/cleaning/laundry is she causing you?? Apart from changing the bed she's sleeping in I'm sure you'd barely notice.

ChampagneLassie · 31/10/2023 17:20

Mischance · 31/10/2023 16:46

Host your Mum - let your inconsiderate siblings do as they may - you do the right thing.

I am that woman - nothing like 90 though! - widowed relatively young and living alone. If I felt that my AC were squabbling over who should have to put up with me at Christmas I would be heartbroken.

Let me tell you that losing your role in the family and losing your husband is agony - true agony. I live my own life, full of activities so my AC do not feel responsible for me in anyway - but boy is it lonely!

This will be you one day - it really will.

Take her in for Christmas with a good grace. If I thought there was a heaven I would tell you your reward will be there! But you would be doing a good thing.

This. My lovely IL are dead and my horrid parents don’t want to spend Christmas with us as they don’t like kids. I’d love to have a mum/grandma at Christmas. Count your blessings, look after your mum and I hope your own DC are fighting over who gets to have you rather than other way around.

Allthingsdecember · 31/10/2023 17:21

Has she generally been a good mum? If so, don’t leave her alone at Christmas. You can’t control what your siblings do, but you can control your own actions.

If she was abusive or neglectful, that’s completely different and you are under no obligation to invite her.

Lengokengo · 31/10/2023 17:21

We need to know the backstory. If your brother is the golden child, am guessing you are the scapegoat? So lots of resentment and every outcome results in you being the baddie/ hard work/ difficult as usual. Etc etc.

What do you want and what can you tolerate? Can you (your family) go away also? Can you have your mum for Xmas day only? Can you pick up your mum (and drop her at a sibling s house!) Do you have kids who also come? To many variables to make suggestions.

You have to break the cycle and expectations somehow, because nothing you do will be good enough, so you might as well please yourself.

WhatHaveIFound · 31/10/2023 17:21

Honestly, I'd probably suck it up and host your mum.

That's what I'm doing with mine this year as my dad has moved into a care home. It won't be the relaxing Christmas I need after a manic year but I can't have her eating on her own.

Dacadactyl · 31/10/2023 17:21

@Hbh17 yes because 90 year olds are well known for their burgeoning social lives and wide social circles. Plus they never fail to have the ability to make other arrangements!

I mean, come on! If my kids ever left me on my own at Christmas when I'm 90, they'd be getting absolutely fuck all from me when I'd gone.

Zanatdy · 31/10/2023 17:22

I’d host my mum, she’s 90, it could well be her last Christmas and she’s raised 4 kids and none can host her? Obviously it’s not just down to you but I’d have to step in, or live with a lifetime of regret.

Zanatdy · 31/10/2023 17:22

Dacadactyl · 31/10/2023 17:21

@Hbh17 yes because 90 year olds are well known for their burgeoning social lives and wide social circles. Plus they never fail to have the ability to make other arrangements!

I mean, come on! If my kids ever left me on my own at Christmas when I'm 90, they'd be getting absolutely fuck all from me when I'd gone.

100%

Evenstar · 31/10/2023 17:23

My late DH and I hosted his very difficult mother for many years. One sibling moved abroad, the other used to go away every Christmas. She came to us for 14 out of 17 Christmases, until my DH died. I can’t say it was easy, but her son returned to the U.K. that year and he covered the next 5 until she passed away, DSIL died 4 years before my DH.

I would only say that hard as it was I look back and think that we did the right thing, and didn’t leave an elderly lady however difficult alone at Christmas. If I were you I would try to be generous and host your DM for what may be the last time.

ABCXYZ17 · 31/10/2023 17:25

How will you feel when you’re old and none of your children want to host you for Christmas? She’s in her 90s, she’s your mum and unless she’s been particularly horrible to you then you should host her. So what if she doesn’t say thank you? She brought you up and will have done plenty for you with no thanks no doubt.

AlmondCherry · 31/10/2023 17:26

What would you do if you were an only child - do that.

A couple questions:

When you say you got no thanks do you mean from your mother and/or your brothers? If you hosted your mother for 4 days and she didn't utter a word of thanks then that really does change things, as I presume that she is rude/entitled/difficult company in general?

Why do you need to host for four days? How far away does your mother live?

MumblesParty · 31/10/2023 17:27

Unless there's a huge backstory and your mum is a vile person, I would host. At 90 it could easily be her last Christmas.

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 17:27

Op, what on earth happened to the other siblings?

There is a big backstory here and it might be better to share it, as you might get a very different reaction.

user1471556818 · 31/10/2023 17:27

If you dislike her this much don't have for Christmas. However this is your choice as your responsibility is for your actions not your siblings.
Really sad and wouldn't be my actions unless I was totally non contact with someone.

Screwballs · 31/10/2023 17:28

Sorry OP, two wrongs and all that. You can't leave a 90 year old on her own for Christmas. I find the getting no thanks comment a bit odd, does your husband go out his way to thank you, do you kids? I feel like it's an odd expectation of gratitude you are seeking, I'm sure it's clear if she is having a nice day without her having to hammer the point home?This aside, no of course it's not fair to always fall to you, but at least you know that when she is no longer here, you did what was right. And sod your siblings, heartless bastards they are. She really shouldn't be left in some sort of no man's land.

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 17:28

I would book a restaurant and take the pressure off the practical elements.

Countdown2023 · 31/10/2023 17:29

Make your brother pay. He has got off cost-free for years. Just because he is off on holidays doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to contribute

5128gap · 31/10/2023 17:29

Your siblings have done you wrong. No doubt about it. But that's nothing to do with your mum and your relationship with her. Has she been a good mum? Loved you, cared for you? If so, then I don't think giving her another Christmas or two is much to ask. You're in your 60s and will have a couple of decades or more of Christmases to spend as you like soon enough.

HappySonHappyMum · 31/10/2023 17:29

I know exactly where you are coming from. My 47 year old brother has never once hosted my 78 year old Mum at Christmas. Instead he's happy to accept an invitation to mine, eat our food, collect his presents and then bugger off after lunch. The last couple of years he just collects his presents and goes. All of the planning, cost and responsibility falls to me. I continue to invite him because he is her golden child but it is really starting to p*ss me off. If I ever turned round and said I couldn't do it and I had decided to go away - Mum would make excuses for him and end up offering to cook lunch for him and he'd bugger off once he had eaten. He's a man child - it's pathetic.

PokeyLaFarge · 31/10/2023 17:29

I get it, op.

I'm the default child, too. It sucks.

Mum will be here - again. I'll get no thanks - again. She'll pick at her food - again. Tell me how wonderful my siblings are - again.

She even came in 2020 when we'd all been exposed to covid! 🤣 I thought I might get that year off!

It's why I have my own mini Christmas on Christmas eve (I prefer Christmas eve anyway)

We stay at home watching Christmas films, eating rubbish and playing games.

Have you looked for an Airbnb rather than hotel? Maybe a ground floor apartment?

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 31/10/2023 17:30

Do you like your mum? Who isn't thanking you? Why does it have to be 4 days? Why does hosting one elderly woman create so much work?

SensitiveB · 31/10/2023 17:31

It get that your siblings have let you down but make it about you and her , for instance I wish we had my MIL for one more Christmas as time is precious and suddenly no longer there.
i also think of 4 days as nothing when presumably she hosted you and did a lot more of your laundry and cooking throughout your childhood

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 31/10/2023 17:31

Firstly never host any of your siblings again. For anything.

Then buy your mum a flight and hotel to join your brother for Christmas wherever he is going. The other two wastes of space can contribute too.

WinterDeWinter · 31/10/2023 17:31

I'd host her with cheerfulness but send your brother a tightly worded email about his self-centred golden child behaviour, both in this matter and more generally.

Things like this make me so cross. I know NAMALT and Some Women Are, but so often it is the fucking brothers. I bet if he and the GF get married and he's got a woman to pass the workload onto he'll suddenly be Goldenballs.