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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

784 replies

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 16:39

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP posts:
diddl · 31/10/2023 17:43

Maybe Op doesn't want to go away at Christmas?

Maybe she does love her Mum but would like one Christmas without hosting her?

diddl · 31/10/2023 17:45

NeedToChangeName · 31/10/2023 17:40

Interesting that you are angry with your brother but less critical of your other siblings. I'm wondering why that is

Perhaps because they said from the off that they wouldn't host?

Wexone · 31/10/2023 17:45

totally get ya..we end up being the default go to aswell for mother in law. there are 2 other siblings but as we have no children they seem to think that we have all the time in the world to run around after her and collect her and all. even on our own wedding day no one else though who is going to collect mother in law all looked at us on shock when we asked. ny husband can't relax unless he knows she is being looked after. she is very nice and will be very appreciative of everything its just not being able to relax in my own home on Xmas day. I get your feelings and highly recommend you book a holiday next year. something we are seriously contemplating too

Ultravox · 31/10/2023 17:45

It really depends what your relationship with your mum is like and what your alternative plans were. If you get on well and she’s fine to have around and you’re planning on “doing” Christmas then yes I’d host her.

But if she’s a moaning cow and you were planning to do something different e.g. invite your in-laws or go out for Christmas lunch etc then absolutely YANBU.

If I was you I’d be livid with all my siblings.

Houseplanter · 31/10/2023 17:46

Your poor mum. Ong how heartbreaking to have your children so heartless and resentful.

Unless there's a massive backstory, shame on you OP.

Gee19 · 31/10/2023 17:47

I’d host my mum and go out for food. I host often and find that extremely expensive so I’d pay a bit more to eat out. I reckon it’d be worth the extra cost to have no mess.

ilovesooty · 31/10/2023 17:48

The guilt tripping of the OP on this thread is off the scale.

SecondUsername4me · 31/10/2023 17:48

ilovesooty · 31/10/2023 17:48

The guilt tripping of the OP on this thread is off the scale.

Well, yes. Because ideally we could all collectively force her siblings to take their fair turn

But we can't. So realistically, what other option is there?

crumblingschools · 31/10/2023 17:50

How much do you all do with your mum during the rest of the year?

HikingforScenery · 31/10/2023 17:50

This is sad to read, tbh

DisforDarkChocolate · 31/10/2023 17:52

Host, then book a holiday for next Christmas so everyone know you will be away.

underneaththeash · 31/10/2023 17:52

I have my mum every year (which I love) and also my MIL (which I don't). Would never let either be on their own though.

Rainraingoaway21 · 31/10/2023 17:53

How sad that nobody seems to want their 90 year old mother for Christmas and would rather leave her on her own. Could you truly enjoy xmas day knowing she was on her own?

How much of a burden is she? 1 more mouth to feed isn't much.

And as for putting her in a hotel 😱she is 90!!!

ilovesooty · 31/10/2023 17:53

SecondUsername4me · 31/10/2023 17:48

Well, yes. Because ideally we could all collectively force her siblings to take their fair turn

But we can't. So realistically, what other option is there?

Show quote history

She does what she wants and her mother makes the arrangement she said she'd make.

momonpurpose · 31/10/2023 17:55

Fartooold · 31/10/2023 16:42

Honestly?

I'd suck it up and host her. Let's be honest, it really could be her last and at least you'd have the moral high ground over your siblings.

Is she a major pain to put up with?

Edited

I agree it gets old doing all the work but...it truly could be her last or the last where she is mentally there. Not spending it with her if things go bad will be a horrible guilt to live with. I know this is not what you want but in a short time you'll be celebrating anyway you want.

partypartypartytime · 31/10/2023 17:57

How much cooking and washing does one guest actually create? I’m assuming you left out a massive drip feed of her being the worst human ever as otherwise seriously what is the problem?

Mariposista · 31/10/2023 17:57

You're all terrible and selfish. I hope she leaves her entire estate to the cats home.

PrincessFiorimonde · 31/10/2023 17:58

crumblingschools · 31/10/2023 17:50

How much do you all do with your mum during the rest of the year?

I'm wondering the same thing.

NeedToChangeName · 31/10/2023 17:58

diddl · 31/10/2023 17:45

Perhaps because they said from the off that they wouldn't host?

Show quote history

@diddl Yes, brother has left her in the lurch this time, but siblings seem to have got off scot free for years

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 31/10/2023 17:58

I was widowed at 38, and I hope in the future neither of my children treat me like this like I’m an inconvenience.

Screwballs · 31/10/2023 17:58

Mariposista · 31/10/2023 17:57

You're all terrible and selfish. I hope she leaves her entire estate to the cats home.

Cor, alright love, calm down. OP has done it for ten years and is venting frustration, but knows she'll do it because it's her mum. Go have a cup or Horlicks and a lie down.

SmudgeButt · 31/10/2023 18:01

Tell Brother that as it was his turn to host and as he obviously has money to burn taking a holiday at Christmas he can send you the £500+ needed to book mom into someplace appropriate. Oh wait - make that £1000 so you can all eat out as well on the most expensive day of the years.

Maddy70 · 31/10/2023 18:01

I would not leave my mum on her own. It really could be her last Christmas.

Or she goes to the ex dils if she's happy to host her

Neversaygoodbye · 31/10/2023 18:02

Completely get it. Two brothers who dodge duty all the time, one who has never hosted xmas and one who did share it has now moved overseas. As siblings we rarely communicate.
Widowed DM is very difficult, constantly negative and DH finds her especially draining as do DC so I'm always left to try and entertain her which is exhausting but I struggle massively with a sense of duty and doing the right thing. However, it's not just my Christmas but my families too so I'm not going to host every year - next year my other brother will need to step.

cptartapp · 31/10/2023 18:03

Can your mum afford the £500?
Truth is, a lot of older people are a 'burden' at Christmas. Nothing to do with extra work. They can just change the dynamic completely. The 'plate of vegetables' comment for example smacks of manipulation and guilt tripping tbh. No need for woe is me after 90 years, I'd say she's been bloody lucky.
Under no illusion I will probably be this 'burden' myself one day.