Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

Op, if your Mum has an invitation for elsewhere she won't be on her own.

Could you see her over New Year?

Fucking hell, she's your Mother not the bloody ash man! Unless there's some colossal drip feed coming why wouldn't you have her for Christmas?

Maybe you'll find yourself in her position one day and look back on this with different perspective.

I’d host your mum and I’d blacklist your brother. So never host him again.

Ok so granted I don’t know what your relationship with your mum is like and so this could be harsh. But honestly, I can’t believe what I’ve just read. She’s your mum and you’re arguing about who has to ‘have’ her for what you’ve already accepted could well be her last Christmas? And as pp have said how does it cause you such a vast amount of cooking (presumably you’re cooking for everyone else in the house anyway), cleaning (again, surely you’d be doing anyway?) and washing - it’s one person. Let your mum celebrate Christmas with you all, I don’t know what she’s done to deserve such selfish mean children who are actually arguing this.

Really unreasonable and very mean. Your poor mum. If I were you I wouldn’t host your brother again but it’s a shame for your mum.

I guess you don't really like your mother. Your brother not hosting is irrelevant.

More than you can possibly imagine? especially when they are there 24/7.

OP has been sole host and should be able to expect a hand from her 3 siblings. The fact that her brother has deliberately fucked off leaving her carrying the baby means it's her or no one and that just isn't fair on her. Neither is it fair that she is being guilted into hosting yet another year.

Her mum's last Christmas may be this year, next year or the year after. People live a long time with poor health these days. It looks like that OP may be stuck this year but she should book a holiday in time for next year. And make sure everyone knows about it.

OP, whatever you do will be wrong so you might as well do what you want.

Is she that annoying to have?

Could you somehow make it less days etc?

A lot of people put up with some relative or other on Xmas day.

Eh? The only option is the hive mind of MN guilt tripping this poor woman into hosting her Mum at Christmas? How did you come to that conclusion?

As you are a household of at least 4, surely one 90 year old is not a lot of extra cooking, cleaning or laundry. Is your mother really a difficult/ungrateful guest? Maybe that's because she's an awful person, maybe that's because only one of her four children ever invites her (grudgingly) for Christmas. Will you regret not inviting her? Your siblings won't care.

Your DSiL sounds lovely (even if vegetarian)

I wouldn't turn my back on her just to prove a point. I do understand - I do all the running with my own mum, but I just want her to feel loved wanted so I do it. She will be feeling hurt about the other 3 I expect, so don't add to it.

Also PP’s need to properly read OP’s post - her Mum won’t be alone at Christmas if OP doesn’t host her, she’s said she can spend it with another relative

Eh? The only option is the hive mind of MN guilt tripping this poor woman into hosting her Mum at Christmas?

It's generally considered bad form to leave a relative on their own on Xmas day. A lot of us put up with that annoying uncle etc for that reason.

I'd host her. If you don't & it was her last Christmas you will probably feel awful afterwards. Can understand how annoying it is though

I am you, but 5 years away from this.
I hate Christmas, love my mum. But every year.

One year we would like not to have to drive, to do what we want.

One year that will come, but we would like our siblings ( mine ) to host her, just to give us a break.

Her mum isn’t going to be alone though, is she? Read the original post.

Host her and send a bill to your brother for anything involved in doing so

It is only natural to feel resentment at the unfairness of this broken Christmas agreement. You are definitely much put upon. It's hardly your mother's fault though. And as others have pointed out, your mother is a great age and getting frailer.
Go on, retrieve your Xmas spirit and have your mother round to yours. You will be glad you did. I will be really outrageous and suggest you bring the ex daughter-in-law as well. I take it she is on her own if she is prepared to spend Christmas with the old lady rather than leave her by herself. That was nice of her.
Don't let your brother's selfishness sour your own good will. You will have good memories of the family together. He will have a faded sun tan and be the outsider.

Another idea - bro takes mum on holiday with him and gf!! OP gives foreign currency as Christmas present (it's always difficult to buy for older people who have everything they want)

Unless you are going to drip feed that your mum is vile and abusive them yabu

I’d have my mum, don’t really care what DB does. But 4 days is a lot, why not 2 or 3 - how long is her journey?

I am an only child and my parents split up.

Because I am married and have in-laws I could not always spend Christmas with my mum. Sometimes I spent it with my dad, sometimes I spent it with the in-laws. Fortunately my dad could go to my aunt and my DH is one of 4 children so the parents in law weren't on their own. But my mum was, although I think she did get invited to Christmas dinner by friends a couple of times.

So can people stop going on as if being on your own for Christmas is the worst thing that can ever happen. Sometimes/often it is unavoidable.

And the OP's mum was invited by the ex-DIL so it's not like she would be on her own. The guilt tripping on here is ridiculous.

Being with non-bio family isn't usually seen as the same if the person has living family members.

The crucial point here is how your relationship is. You describe your brother as Golden child and 2 other siblings won't have your mum over. And, unlike all the posters on this thread who presumably have loving mothers, you are not immediately thinking "of course I can't leave mum on her own".

I suspect that it's not the physical effort but the emotional effort of having her over that's the issue. Do you only have a relationship out of obligation? If that's the case, then I'd leave her to ex-DIL. If you have a close relationship then I'd perhaps have her over for a shorter time.