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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

784 replies

christmasstollen · 31/10/2023 16:39

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

OP posts:
RandomButtons · 31/10/2023 16:55

She’s in her 90’s, I’d suck it up to be honest.

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 31/10/2023 16:57

I'd host, I'd feel terrible if my 90 year old mother was alone at Christmas.
Your siblings need to be given a piece of your mind though

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/10/2023 16:57

Personally I'd rise above it and host DM
How do you get on with her? Is she particularly demanding?
At 90, with declining health, I'd say that's ok
Why would it cost £500?
Is the room in your house? Even if that meant someone sleeping on an airbed( obviously not DM!) I would do it

Thatsridiculous · 31/10/2023 16:57

Wow. Your mum is very much seen as a burden isn’t she.

If my children have a conversation about alternating “hosting” me or “having me” I will be telling them to fuck off.

Spend the day with your mum if you want to, don’t if you would rather not.

Your brothers lack of commitment to spending time with family at christmas should not be the driver for your decision making.

For us, Christmas Day is about family.

There could be a massive back story - she’s awful, you were abused as a child, you want to go on holiday this year etc etc

If so then you are being doubly unreasonable for not saying in your OP.

Tinkerbyebye · 31/10/2023 16:59

WeighDownOnMe · 31/10/2023 16:48

You'd leave a 90 year old without either of her children on Christmas Day to spite your brother, who has fucked off anyway and doesn't care either way?

@WeighDownOnMe

read the post it’s the opening sentence. There are 4 kids, 3 of whom don’t bother

Ponderingwindow · 31/10/2023 17:00

I started reading your post and was thinking how sad it was that no one wanted this woman at Christmas, but the truth is that I leave my elderly parent to figure out Christmas on his own. We just don’t have the kind of relationship where I have over had him in my home on a holiday, despite having occasional visits on less high pressure days. I’ve got decades of backstory that justify that situation. I suppose the difference in why I thought of op as mean is that she is changing the status quo.

diddl · 31/10/2023 17:03

Why would going to ex DIL mean a plate of vegetables?

Will you regret it if you don't host her?

Will ex DIL actually invite her & who else would be there?

IhearyouClemFandango · 31/10/2023 17:04

How much work is 1 extra person?!

WeighDownOnMe · 31/10/2023 17:04

Think the general principle still applies tbh @Tinkerbyebye

declutteringmymind · 31/10/2023 17:05

Host this year.

Book a holiday the next.

Motomum23 · 31/10/2023 17:05

Seriously how much extra laundry, cooking and cleaning can a tiny 90 year old lady make??? If you don't want to have your mum over because she's a PITA then by all means don't, but don't make excuses to make yourself feel better... at the end of the day you only have to answer to yourself - if you are happy with your choice no one else gets to mutter anything because they've all chosen not to participate in hosting your mum.

iolaus · 31/10/2023 17:06

Is there not a compromise?

Why does it have to be nothing or hosting for 4 days?

Also speak to the other siblings as well - you say they have refusing hosting for the past 40 years - however what are they prepared to do (and if you have always given in and agreed to host it may be that if she were truely alone then they would step up

How far away does she (and the other siblings) live? Is picking her up (I'm assuming she doesn't drive as you mentioned taxis) on xmas eve and bringing her to yours an option, her stay during the day your siblings also pop round in the evening and then take her home that night/or to theirs

Or if you are all close enough to her does she live in a place that could host you all for xmas dinner (obviously you all contribute to the food etc)

Or have any of your children moved out and want to host as a sign they are now the adults?

Strictlymad · 31/10/2023 17:06

Yes your siblings are not doing their fair share and caring for their elderly mum, but imo it doesn’t make it ok for you to drop her too to make the point. Yes it’s not fair, but your mum shouldn’t suffer for their lack of care so I would do it for her

Potentialmadcatlady · 31/10/2023 17:08

I would host but I would be sending a strongly worded message to my brother and if he never spoke to me again that would be his tough luck

RatherBeRiding · 31/10/2023 17:09

What sort of relationship do you have with her? Leave your other siblings out of the equation - they obviously don't care. Is she local? Exactly how much work is involved - does she come for the day, do you have to collect/take her back/does she stay for several days and expect to be waited on hand and foot?

So many unanswered questions.

And it does sound very much as though the issue is less your mother coming, but rather your brother ducking out of his responsibilities and being seen as the golden child, and you being very resentful.

Twiglets1 · 31/10/2023 17:12

She is only one extra guest.

I would suck it up this year and tell your brother he has to host next year.

ilovesooty · 31/10/2023 17:12

IncompleteSenten · 31/10/2023 16:51

I'd not host purely because they will carry on manipulating you as long as you let them.

I'd book my own bloody holiday and bugger off too.

I think I agree. If I did host this year because none of them would I'd seriously consider severing contact with all of my siblings.

FictionalCharacter · 31/10/2023 17:13

gannett · 31/10/2023 16:50

I suspect there is indeed a huge back story, from the clue that two of the siblings have opted out completely and the reference to the mother's woe-is-me guilt trip reaction.

Yep.
Being 90 doesn’t justify the “I’ll just eat a plate of vegetables <sadface>” performance or never saying thank you. I sincerely hope that if I live to be very old, I don’t undergo such a personality transplant that I become that manipulative, and rude enough not to thank my DIL for Christmas lunch.
The whole family sound horrible for manipulating OP into hosting every single year.

HMW1906 · 31/10/2023 17:15

Think about it this way…. How would you feel if it did end up being her last Christmas and you let her spend it alone?

Shes 90, she probably hasn’t got many Christmas’s left and then she won’t be a problem anymore so just suck it up and host her.

Applerumleandcustard · 31/10/2023 17:15

It’s been FILs possible last Christmas for about the last 5 years , the old git’s still going , and still not coming to ours for Christmas… well , he won’t leave his flat now ( by his choice ) so that makes it easier
Is she localish to you ? We pop over for an hour or so on Christmas morning ( we are similar age to you , and the Dc are in their 20s ) the inlaws are about an hours drive away

CharlotteBog · 31/10/2023 17:16

Don't you love your Mum and want to spend Xmas with her?
How awful to be arguing about who is NOT having their own Mum on Xmas day.

It's a rare family that shares the responsibility of ageing parents equally or fairly.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 31/10/2023 17:17

I think it depends on your relationship, as a PP said. The thing about you being blamed, your brother being the golden child and the manipulative crap about the plate of vegetables makes the relationship sound strained - is that the case?

But if you can certainly ignore the whispers from family about it being her last Christmas, as clearly none of them actually care enough to do anything about it so they can naff off.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 31/10/2023 17:17

Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife)

It's sorted then, so no, don't host.

And don't get guilt tripped into doing it because she's playing the poor me card.

Rosiem2808 · 31/10/2023 17:17

OP. If she dies you will never forgive yourself for turning her away at Christmas

Imisscoffee2021 · 31/10/2023 17:19

I'd host, it's not a hill to die on when it's a question of a loved mother being wit family at Xmas to prove a point with your selfish bro