Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

If I ever turned round and said I couldn't do it and I had decided to go away - Mum would make excuses for him and end up offering to cook lunch for him and he'd bugger off once he had eaten.

Why don't you do that then?

What would you be doing if you did not host her?

Because I can't immediately see what all the extra work is in having one extra person. Peeling a couple of extra potatoes, carrots and parsnips will take 10 minutes and everything else should stretch -. When we have people come to stay we don't do any extra cleaning (just might change the day we do it on). Yes you will need to change and wash bedding but again we are talking 30 minutes total to remove the bedding, stick in in the washing machine, move from washing machine to dryer and remake bed.

If you would just have more normal food if she was not coming, then tell her that is what you will be doing.
If you would go visit someone else, then that is obviously different as presumably they will do the cooking etc.

You (rightly) are cross at your siblings. But refusing to host your mum isn't actually going to punish the right people.

It’s not your mum’s fault is it?
Btw, I would do so much to share one last Christmas with my mum. 😔

There’s clearly a backstory here, otherwise you wouldn’t need to ask the question, and I think for us to properly understand it would be explain it.

Ask yourself - would you only not be hosting her to prove a point to your brother, or do you have independent reasons for not wanting to host her? If the former I’d say it’s your brother you should reduce contact/cut ties with; if the latter then I think that’s fair enough if you’ve hosted her a lot in the past.

You’re punishing your mother for the bad behaviour of your three siblings.

If it is her last Christmas in full capacity, you’ll kick yourself later.

In future, just host your mother and don’t invite your brother.

It's really sad that not one of her 4 children want to host her for Christmas. Unless she is awful and that id's deserved, I would definitely host her...gosh I'd feel guilty leaving any 90 year old alone at Christmas let alone my mother

Just goes to show, having children and an above average amount too is no guarantee of not being alone in old age

I am also confused about why she can only eat vegetables if she has lunch with ex-DIL!

I don't know what the distance or the logistics are OP, but if these are difficult you have my sympathy - my DM (who is nowhere near 90) has asked to come to me for Christmas this year, but she's a 5 hour drive away, and refuses to drive herself or to take any kind of public transport, even for part of the journey. I have minimal time off over Christmas, and simply don't have the time to do 2 x 10 hour round trips to pick up and drop off, and her being here for a week (which is her preferred option) with no transport, whilst DH and I both try to WFH would be a flipping nightmare.

For those querying the extra washing, cleaning, food prep etc - for me if I had absolutely no-one coming over for Christmas there would be no scramble once I'd finished work to make sure the spare room is clean and bed made, bathrooms cleaned, special food in for guests etc. Would be entirely up to me and DH whether we do anything Christmassy at all, or just eat sandwiches. You don't get to opt out of that kind of stuff if you have guests (and for me DM would definitely be a guest expecting Christmas dinner and special treatment rather than someone who would just fit in with whatever we wanted to do).

Disclaimer: I have another sibling who lives round the corner from her, who she can and will spend Christmas with.

You have your mother over this year. And right away you book to go away for Christmas next year and you tell everyone that's what you've done and your brothers sisters and ex-inlaws will have to sort next Christmas out for your mother between themselves.

And let me tell you from experience- my mother is still alive, but is like a child - age-related memory loss and dementia is a bitch.

I had my issues with my mother, but what she’s going through now I wouldn’t wish on anybody. The only consolation is that she’s unaware. As long as she’s fed and looked after she’s happy to see us and still knows who we are. We don’t know how long that will last.

I don't understand how one spritely old lady can be such a hassle to host. Everyone who wants kids for someone to care about them in old age should read this thread. Four kids and not one likes her enough to spend Christmas with her.

You haven't really said why you don't want to host your mum. The way you speak it's like she's the boobie prize. Why can't you have her along? What's the issue?

2 seperate issues that I think are clouding your thinking.

1- Your siblings are shit. You are the default carer/host/responsible/decent one. It has to annoy the hell out of you that they behalf this way. It isn't fair but it isn't going to change.

2- Hosting your mum. Is it really difficult or it is the resentment that is causing your annoyance? Would you host if you were an only child?

I have a slightly similar issue with a non parent, elderly relative. Yes it annoys but but just because everyone else us bring an asshole, doesn't mean I should be one too. It just doesn't sit right with my conscience not to be there for someone who needs me.

Unless there's a massive backstory,
your poor mum. I hope I'm never dependent on anyone when I grow old.

Why is it so much extra laundry, cooking, and cleaning, to have your mother over for a few days? Is it because of having to make a bedroom for her to stay overnight and make the house suitable for an elderly person? Maybe your brother can pay for a taxi to pick her up and drop her home so she can just come for Christmas day? Then you can say, "I'd be more than happy to have her for Christmas Dinner but unfortunately I'm not able to have her overnight or do the driving to get her here and back, so John if you can book and pay for a taxi to get her to and from her house on Christmas day, then she can come here for Christmas dinner."

Your brother will probably say there won't be taxis (or Ubers, etc.) on Christmas day but we live in a multicultural world now, I bet there are people who don't celebrate Christmas who'd be willing to Uber your mom to your house and back. It's just not fair to expect you to do all the hosting AND pay for everything too.

I agree with this. You'll probably find she's alive and well next year - I hate all the guilt tripping over "her last Christmas" when you've hosted her for all the others!

Your error was not making alternative arrangements well in advance so you could opt out.

I have a similar situation with a friend of my mum's - they always come to us, but this year we are going away (with my mum). Friend has their own family, they just like it better with us. It could be their last Christmas but it could also be my mum's last Christmas or at least where she is fit enough to travel and I want to do something nice with her.

For those querying the extra washing, cleaning, food prep etc, it's not that so much as not being able to do what you want to do for Christmas because you always have to accommodate other people who could be accommodated elsewhere.

Will having your mother there bring you joy? If the answer is no - then don't have her.

I'm sorry - but you don't owe your parents your happiness. It strikes me as there must be an issue with the mum - if you have 4 children and only 1 has bothered to host you for years - there is clearly an issue!

Interesting that you are angry with your brother but less critical of your other siblings. I'm wondering why that is

What do you suggest? She asks him to send her £100?

Likely.

She won’t be alone! She’s said she’ll go to her ex DIL. Why are people saying OP is leaving her alone?

She could easily have 5 or more Christmases left. So next year OP could be guilt tripped with “what if it’s her last Christmas?” And the year after and the next one and the next. And every time her siblings will leave her to it.

Then the Op, having hosted every year except for this one, when there are 3 other dc, can look forward to inheriting everything?

Op. I know where you're coming from. For various reasons we went to my gran's (200+ miles away) every year. Because it was every year, it became a chore. I think both my parents longed for a Christmas we stayed at home, didn't have to negotiate the M6, could open our presents on Christmas day (no space in the car for anything like that), able to cook Christmas dinner in our own oven, and just do what they wanted to do.
As a child I can remember feeling very envious that my cousins on the other side were together for Christmas-I got on better with them. I couldn't do the carol service reading in Church I was asked to do, because it was Christmas Eve. We'd spend Christmas Eve being whisked round shops near my gran (she didn't drive) to get everything. I got travel sick, and would often feel rotten the day after travelling (both ways).

It wasn't about not loving gran or wanting to see her. It was the fact we had no options and we just had to.
I'm sure if one of your siblings had offered to do it once in the last 5 years you'd be feeling very different.

I have to ask, why didn't you tell your brother to tell your mother that he was now not going to host her?

Can you host her for a shorter period? Does it have to be 4 days?

I mean, come on! If my kids ever left me on my own at Christmas when I'm 90, they'd be getting absolutely fuck all from me when I'd gone

I assume your children aren't married/don't have partners, and don't have in-laws that they have to "share" the Christmasses with?

For the last 10 years one of my 2 siblings has had my mum go to them at Xmas or they’ve gone to her so she’s not alone. This year they’ve told me it’s my turn as they are both exhausted as they share the care for her.

I’ve said no. She was horrifically abusive to me as a child and they stood by and never helped me so as far as I’m concerned they can exhaust themselves with her care (as they don’t want to spend their inheritance) and they can put up with her at Xmas. Not my problem.