Christmas Dilemma- WWYD?

[christmasstollen]

I am one of 4 children, all in our 60s. For the last 10 years my brother and I had arranged alternating hosting my widowed mother for Christmas (other 2 'children' stay on their own and have refused to host for the last 40 years). Except that my brother always makes an excuse and so we (DH, DCs and I) have hosted my mum every year.

After the last couple of Christmases with no thanks afterwards I put my foot down and told my brother we aren't having mum this Christmas its his turn. He agreed but has just phoned to say he's going abroad with his girlfriend so obviously can't host. I didn't want to be manipulated into having her so I said that was fine and mum would have to be on her own. Phoned mum who knew the new plans, said it was fine and she would have lunch with exDIL (Brother's ExWife) and just have a plate of vegetables (was very woe is me). Brother is the Golden Child so no blame on him wanting to go somewhere sunny, all the unsaid blame on me for not offering to host that instant.

I'm in a real quandary of what to do. On the one hand brother is getting what he wants and I'm the 'bad child' for letting mum be on her own, on the other hand he always gets away with it and the last few years I've not received any thanks for the immense amount of laundry/cooking/cleaning over 4 days.

Complicating things is that mum up until this year has been in exceptional health and is very spritely for a 90 year old. This year she's had some serious health scares and family are whispering 'what if it's her last Christmas?'

An option is to pay for her to stay in a local hotel and do pick ups/drop offs as well as pay for a taxi to bring her and take her back either side of Christmas but this would all cost £500ish which neither of us have. Any opinions welcome.

For voting:
YABU- Host your mum for what could be her last Christmas
YANBU- Don't host her as this is your brother's responsibility

Regardless of who is right or wrong it's your mum!

Super mum, who condones her children being sexually abused.
Of course she's the victim, poor mum. 🙄

Is there a competition from bots who can post the most pathetically mawkish "haven't read the thread post'?

She made a mistake, probably over 50 years ago, when people were less informed about these matters: regardless, OP is still in touch with her and would feel terrible if her mum throws a tantrum and then it turned out it was her last Christmas. People with reasonable mums would not have been thrown the mum guilt trip, but probably feel mum's disappointment harder because they have been treated to it since birth. People have different views - surely that's why OP is asking?

.

So?

Sweet lord 30 pages in and people still not reading op full updates 🙄😫😤
@Ap42 read rhe bloody updates

I have read the 'bloody updates'
Massive drip feed. But that aside, op has maintained a relationship, albeit it a difficult one for decades regardless of what has happened. And just to make it clear this happened to me, I was abused, and it was swept under the carpet. My Mum made that call as I was 4 and she didn't want to put me through further trauma. It was a very different time all those years ago.
Inspite of all of that, I still couldn't leave my 90 year old Mother alone at Xmas. The time to discuss the past is in the past!

Four children and not one of you want her for Christmas, this is beyond sad. Please trust me it could well be her last Christmas and how would you feel if it was? However you think you might feel the reality will be a million times worse and when she is sadly no longer around you will miss her.

Why don't you actually read all of the op's posts before replying with this inane nonsense?

If people write a post and only give a segment of the information in their opening one then they deserve the answers they get. The constant drip feeding is beyond irritating, and to be honest I sometimes wonder if they embroider the truth in their subsequent posts to get the answers they want.

We shouldn't have to read all of an OP's posts to get the information. If they ask for an opinion they need to give the facts at the start.

@ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming but then what happens if someone asks a question or asks for clarification? Not much of a discussion if the OP can only post something in their opening post

How would you feel if your children were having the same argument because none of them wanted to have you over for Christmas. I have my mother and mother in law every Christmas, there's no discussion, all other siblings go aboard or do their own thing, or join us. I'd rather be around family.

763 posts over many days and you don't think to check the OP's posts to see if you've missed something before weighing in with your pointless take?

Learn how to mumsnet people. If a thread is busy and long then there is guaranteed more to it than the OP. Read their posts at the very least before posting!

People can always ask questions, but OPs who only give the basic info in their first posts are frankly a pain. I never said they can only post in their opening post, but they should give the whole story, not give a sanitised version and then bring in the reasons for their decisions later. Too many posters are doing it, and as I said, it makes me think that sometimes they are making the story up as they go along. How on earth do they expect others to give the advice they've asked for when they don't bother telling the whole story?

My mum will be alone this Xmas but I tried. She lives 250 miles from me and my brother. She is still making me feel guilty. My brother is golden boy but goes to partners parents each year who are local to us. Somehow thats OK despite me suggesting alternating or something. Me and my young adult offspring are all working Xmas day and that's generally how at least alternate years go (care and catering roles). I can't host Xmas and work 13 hours as a nurse. But somehow I should. This sounds so similar to OP being made guilty too. OP you have done your share and it's someone else's turn. What about the other 2 siblings?

Yes @ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming - because filtering to just the op's posts is SOOO hard that it's far too much to ask for a busy MNer... 🙄

I can't say either way whether u are or not unreasonable , as I get how fed up you are with your brother. Is it your brother or mum who doesn't thankyou? If your not getting thanks from your mum I'd be pretty fed up having to host too, but she's your mum.
I lost mine last week and moved to be with her in her last few years so if its possibly her last Christmas, just have her you'll regret it if you don't, even if your brother or other siblings don't care. You were there for her, that's what matters, You'll have plenty years when she's gone to do what you want

We shouldn't have to filter just the OP's posts - honestly, how hard is it to give the whole story in the first post!! If they can't be bothered to give the whole story why should I bother to filter their posts? They ask for opinions, the onus is on them to give the whole story at the start. It's not rocket science.

I wouldn't leave a dog on its own.

I don't think it's rocket science either to assume if a person doesn't want to host their elderly mother for Christmas it's either

1. Because they are monumentally selfish
2. There is a very good reason why not

In the lack of any information either way in the OP, both are equally likely. So why have so many posters assumed (1) must be the case? A person posting on MN can't pre-judge what assumptions their readers might make.

Well obviously! They can't make their own lunch and don't gaslight.

Dogs that is not parents ^.

Hi
I'm afraid it's down to the children to look after their aging parents.
All I can say is your lucky to still have at least one of your parents.
There are lots of people out there, including me, who don't have there parents anymore.
So your going to have to make your preparations, and invite your Mum for dinner. Enjoy. xx

But that was such an important piece of information. I feel as though I was tricked into giving my initial answer and then reprimanded when she revealed the rest of the story which I could not possibly know. One poster even implied that I should have been able to guess from the op but as much as I come on MN a lot I do actually have a life.