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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to give daughter cultural name

330 replies

Sia2822 · 31/10/2023 12:58

Hello
I am irish living in the UK (my parents are both Irish and we moved here when I was 2) My partner is Tongan in the pacific islands born in New Zealand in to the Māori culture.

Our first child (a son) was named a Māori name as he wanted and we went through all the names and compromised on one.

I really want to call our daughter Orla which is an Irish name, I don’t just want to call her Orla because it’s an Irish name, I want to use it because I’ve always loved that name and said I’d call future child it. If he doesn’t like that name (which he says he doesn’t) then I have 20 or so other options I like but he just says he doesn’t like them all. He doesn’t even think after I say the name, it’s just an instant no. I’ve asked him to find some baby girl names he likes and he made a list but they’re all Māori names and to be honest I don’t like them. He’s asked me to find a Māori girls name that I do like and although I’m sure there is a few I will like, I want to choose a name I truly want this time not be restricted to a certain culture of names.

Ive told partner that baby may be half tongan but she is also half Irish so it shouldn’t matter if she’s named a Māori name or not, his response to that was Ireland and England have “no culture”. I’ve suggested a Māori name as a middle name but he’s having none of it. Says baby needs a Māori name and that if she has an Irish or English name his family will feel hugely disrespected and that it’s important baby holds her culture in her name.

AIBU for not wanting to choose a cultural name this time?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 31/10/2023 13:00

She can have a Maori name as a middle name, surely?

Does your son not have an Irish middle name?

Tell him to eff off.

Riverlee · 31/10/2023 13:01

Where are you living?

Zanatdy · 31/10/2023 13:01

He’s being unfair, we did one each with my ex partner and I - Welsh name for DS, Arabic name for DD

Original poster
Sia2822 · 31/10/2023 13:02

Riverlee · 31/10/2023 13:01

Where are you living?

In the UK

OP posts:
Goodornot · 31/10/2023 13:03

Just go and register the birth yourself. He won't be on the birth certificate as you're not married but he can be added later by which time you won't be able to change babies name..

He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

TomatoSandwiches · 31/10/2023 13:03

The Irish have no culture?

Tell him to feck off with his superiority complex.

itsmyp4rty · 31/10/2023 13:03

He says you have no culture and immediately dismisses everything you say? If that's his standard behaviour then i think you have far bigger problems.

That said Orla is an absolutely beautiful name. Tell him that he chose last time and you are choosing this time. Put your foot down and don't let him just write you and your culture off like this. Rude fucker.

KombuchaKalling · 31/10/2023 13:04

TomatoSandwiches · 31/10/2023 13:03

The Irish have no culture?

Tell him to feck off with his superiority complex.

Err this. A colleague once told me this and l ripped him a new one

He sounds rude and arrogant. Plus he chose your sons name and it’s your turn to choose now

cheezncrackers · 31/10/2023 13:04

Naming can be a minefield when you come from different cultures. My DH comes from a culture where the eldest son is very often named after the father. I never wanted two people in my house with the same name, but he was so insistent that eventually I caved on the understanding that DS was always known by a nickname that is totally different. DH always said I could name DC2, but when it came to it he hated all the names I came up with (of course, I'd had no say at all on our first DC's name and pointed this out to him), but in the end we found a name that we could both agree on. It was really annoying tbh. Compromise is needed on both sides and it sounds like your DH isn't doing very much!

Lochness1975 · 31/10/2023 13:05

Tell him your Irish family will feel
disrespected if you don’t pick an Irish name this time as you had Māori name last time. What a plonker!

CatamaranViper · 31/10/2023 13:06

Well ultimately you get to decide since he can't register the baby without you but you can without him (I think?? Please correct me if I'm wrong).

Obviously he sees his culture as more important and worthy than yours. Personally I'd find that very, very hurtful and disrespectful. Put your foot down. Don't let him railroad you with this.

growgrowinggrown · 31/10/2023 13:06

I know it's too late now but surely this should have been discussed prior?

If you really like Orla and are choosing it because it's a favourite, and not to represent your irish heritage, why don't you use that for a middle name?

You never said what your DS name is, but I think having 2 massively different names for siblings is a little weird.

I had a friend called peter who's little sister was called Starynight Avalea and it always jarred for some reason.

AnnaMagnani · 31/10/2023 13:06

Irish have no culture!

My parents decided one culture for a boy, other for a girl.

Suggestion you have no culture suggests he either needs a crash course in Irish culture or to be chucked back to Tonga.

MajorBarbara · 31/10/2023 13:08

OP, why does he think 'his family' trumps you, or your family? Can you kick him back to NZ?

Lolloped · 31/10/2023 13:08

Does your child have his surname? You say partner which makes me think you are maybe unmarried so if I was you and he wouldn’t discuss or consider any names I suggested I’d be going to the registry office myself to register baby Orla with my surname once she arrives.

Personally it was important to me that my kids legal names had a similar feel so I wouldn’t have wanted them to have first names from different cultures and would have probably gone with a Māori first name to match your son and then Orla as middle and known as name.

Shayisgreat · 31/10/2023 13:09

What arrogance! Ireland and England have no culture - ffs!

YANBU at all for wishing to have an Irish name and fuck him for saying absolutely not.

LardoBurrows · 31/10/2023 13:10

I've always loved the name Orla, it's beautiful. Don't let him coerce you into giving up the name you love. He sounds like a bully.

"England and Ireland have no culture", my arse.

Get the baby's name registered asap without him.

CurlewKate · 31/10/2023 13:12

I have half Tongan children in my family- they both have Tongan first names and British second names. In that order because they are going to be brought up in Britain and it will be harder to preserve their Tongan heritage than their English.

YuanZhu · 31/10/2023 13:14

Orla is a cultural name, but I think it’s fine to say this time you want your culture to come first. Frankly, it’s not fair that his family’s opinion should come into it.

Gee19 · 31/10/2023 13:14

It’s only fair you get to decide second time round if he got the choice first time.

CecilyP · 31/10/2023 13:15

Says baby needs a Māori name and that if she has an Irish or English name his family will feel hugely disrespected and that it’s important baby holds her culture in her name.

Good grief! What about your family feeling hugely disrespected!

Sugargliderwombat · 31/10/2023 13:15

Well he's just so much more important and cultured than you isn't he ?

What a dick.

Gee19 · 31/10/2023 13:16

In my husband’s culture, there’s an expectation about names which is frankly patriarchal. I refused to perpetuate this but it was important to my husband so we compromised on these names being middle names. I thought that was fair and so did he.

Shoxfordian · 31/10/2023 13:17

Are you married? I assume kiddo has his surname as well as his chosen first name - your part in the whole process is pretty much irrelevant to him

Nicesalad · 31/10/2023 13:18

It's a tricky one. But I agree with CurlewKate.

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